My last post about trust falling without a focal point, I found it. It is within me. My honesty and willingness to examine connections are my gauges, my thermometer, this is my north star. I read my rocks today and my chakras are all open and balanced and even my heart is open to male and female energy. While writing, out my chakras and my pulled cards for the day, I found a previously scribbled note or appears to be the start of a poem. But odd how it feels like it was a note to my future self, which is currently now at this very moment. I somewhat remember when I wrote it last summer. The message while listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement: Moderation thoughts the blindfolds within intuitive communication without the noise of miscommunication without the empty space needing a fill of ambiguity This has so much meaning for me now. The cards I pulled current- To Be Fair(protection)- lead with kindness, empathy and courage Heading to- Higher Power (protection)- give to Spirit Action- Loyal Heart- trust divine protection Dynamic- declare feelings I played last night and afterwards, he played a song twice. I don't know what it's called or how to find it but while listening I connected to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement. The song he played I made connections from beyond; thoughts of my deceased brother, and either initials S.H. or a name with 'sh' in it was trying to communicate with me. There was just a yummy cosmic openness. Human vulnerability, honest with feelings and needs and desire to have magical connections with others even if filled with fear. There was a moment last night where there was an intense connection. No walls. No thoughts. Even fear was present. A recognition of connection; I smiled to him for being present with me and this energy. I smiled at him because I saw him; I saw him see and feel this energy. That openness to step to the connection and let it unfold, even if with fear but allow that energy to form and swirl; that's what I want more of. Take that fear, be honest to it and with it; honor it. Honesty and honoring. I honor you and our connected energy by bringing my honesty.
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Two week diary of becoming still, as shit is about to hit the fan...aka find inner peace quickly or you will become undone and won’t return...an almost daily account without too much going back to edit...
1-14-21 Thursday 1st morning- my mantra (no good girl role playing here) “Self care, self love, add boundaries and let go”. My reading today, I am hypersensitive and to say no thank you to those that exhaust me. Clearly my ex. But my play partner,I have let, exhaust me. Maybe in part due to good girl conditioning. Maybe he stimulates me too much and isn’t part of my group that provides me comfort with here and now chemicals. He’s great for dopamine but I need to face facts, maybe not so great after the high comfort. Winter is bad for us both so maybe he can’t be ‘here’ for me; but I’ve felt this from the start and thought he was just very reserved and guarded. Good girl conditioning had me blind thinking: “maybe he just needs more time and more of me and then he’ll come around to like me”. Again, I’m sensitive right now. I decided last night to take two weeks off from social media and remove sexual stimuli from my plate right now. Including him. Can I bring my high down? I’m sad and scared to think it is not possible to have someone in my life that gets me so high and not have me crash all of the time. I somehow feel like I’ve replaced my crush with another. Well, I’m not waiting 20 years to finally decide it’s something that is not good for me to hold on to. So two weeks. Away from sexual stimuli including fet and porn. I don’t know if I will play with him, I really would only miss two sessions. Oy this self chatter shows clearly I am sensitive now! Feeling easier to bring sexual vibration down or bring up? Just rambling with thoughts. Back to meditating, my habits, the gym is now open and back to yoga. Yes good idea to withdraw from sexual stimuli, maybe I can view him as a calming inspiration to me. Possible to have someone that excites me and calms me? Since the incident of me almost crashing my jeep, he will play a song or two for me to sit with him for a few minutes to get grounded in his car before I leave; this is a nice much desired addition that I didn’t recognize I needed. My avoidant attachment prefers to play and run. Here we go...The cursor line blinking and I remember Doogie Howser show...he’s the first blogger! 1-15-21 Friday I couldn’t sleep. Divine has plans for me to settle. After work yesterday I took myself to urgent care. I was bleeding and having pain. Xray showed kidney stones maybe two more again. And he said to call a gynecologist to check out a bump he found, I may need a biopsy. I couldn’t sleep. I wanted some message exchanges with my play partner but he wasn’t available. I sent him 3 minutes of audio on my thoughts and what was going on telling him I may need a biopsy and I was scared and my kidney stones….my good girl conditioning is really in my head scolding me for doing this to him. “To him.” Just wow. Numb before,during and after today’s gynecologist appointment. No biopsy right away. He’s certain it’s herpes. Herpes. Typing this out, the words are blurred from the tears welling up in my eyes. This is the first time in 8 years I have seen my pussy, the first time I felt that my pussy isn’t broken, she is worthy of attention and now this. On my labia. I had visions of my ex using this as ammunition. That was my first thought. I for a second thought did he? Somehow my play partner? No because for the past few years in December or January I remembered having this problem. A weird random bleeding when I wipe. 2 years ago my urologist said it was dehydration that irritated my kidney stone that could’ve caused the bleeding/spotting. Today’s doctor said it was possible this was dormant. So I knew this issue was before play partner. When I was alone in my jeep I cried. Sobbing. Fantasies I had of my play partner and of any worship on me now gone. Who would worship me, now, like this? I’m old too. And now this. My heart is breaking. I kept my pussy to myself all these years in hiding and now that I want to play and I’m ready to play, this happens. I just became excited thinking I finally found someone to not only play with but matched my sexual spirit. We just started playing with my orgasms and now this. Really feels like the end. I really like him too. I’m not even certain before this he liked me, how could he like me now? How can I stay liking myself? How would anyone like me? D called me. He was my bf in my early 20’s. He was one of the best sexual partners I’ve had. When I answered the phone as soon as he started talking I couldn’t speak. I was so choked up, sobbing. He has this way of direct calmness. He said most everybody has it. He got it from his wife. He had a previous play partner before he got married that told him she has herpes and would do a mirror check before meeting up with him. He said her transparency was awesome and did not diminish anything for him. I explained my further fears that no one would want to kiss my pussy certainly now. He with his charming direct manner said, not to worry, someone will want to lick my pussy. Sigh of relief. Maybe he’s right. 1-19-21 Tuesday Panic attacks daily. Yet through this anxiety, I have managed to pull the mirror out and really look at my pussy and tell her I love her. Not regardless. No conditions. Not no matter what. Just, that I fucking love her. She’s beautiful. She doesn't fit the porn mould. She looks different and why I love her; because she is different. She is me. She is mine. I love how my inner labia on the right side has a gradient darker color and peeks out. Kind of gently hiding or a peek-a-boo for my opening. Tears are spilling as I am typing this. Even when I had my homework pussy assignment from my Dom, I did not have this much appreciation, awe, feelings of love and beauty for her, and for me. This was my assignment to myself, out of desperation for fear. I was afraid I would want to shut her out again, thinking she’s ugly, something’s wrong with her, if I in fact have herpes. Doctor was doing a swab test and I would know sometime this week. Yesterday I messaged my Dom. I had a sad dream, I saw him sitting in the dark. I didn’t want him ‘in the dark’, so I reached out to him. I shared a little bit and shared my fears for our connection and dynamic. I was afraid my sexual freeze would permanently disrupt our connection. I also told him I wanted to share with him all that was going on, but was currently emotionally incapable. I could not find wise mind without crying about the future and my past. I was ready to walk away from him. I was too afraid thinking about how maybe this week we may have to have a serious discussion that I have herpes and what then does our dynamic look like? Would he walk away? Would we stop including me in the play? Would I ever experience pussy worship from him? So many thoughts and fears. Killed my happy spirit thinking I had found someone, another in the world like me exists yet this would end before it began. I was going through my phone pics the other day, mainly to keep good feelings about him. I felt, since I couldn’t connect with him in real life, and just like while he is away on his trips, I knew reminiscing could help. I actually found a screenshot of a book I meant to buy; a power exchange dynamic book. I bought it and started to read it and became really excited at the relationship model the author presented. A non adversarial non equal partnership. I feel like he wants more control over me but doesn’t know how much or maybe uncertain how much I am willing to give. Here is what I shared with him my message this morning to him: “Because I tend to gravitate (some call it lean into :-)) to outside sources, now for hope to bring me back to body,(especially now needing a distraction or break from my health stuff) are we surprised it would kind of be about sex? But actually it's not really…. ...Prior to being your sUC, I've had an 'idea' of how I wanted to be used but never understood enough about this lifestyle until I was in it. I came across this book last year and just started reading it yesterday. I'm 43% in this book and 99.9999% certain I can see our dynamic succeeding via this model. Book is $4.99 amazon/Kindle. Since I signed up on fet last February, I wanted to find someone that I could as much as possible, 24/7, give 100% of my participation to. Commit to submit. I've wanted a full, both parties, immersive experience from the start. Before my health crashed last week, I've noticed some things come up in me, with thoughts and behaviors these past maybe 6 weeks regarding you, me and our dynamic. My disney princess good girl conditioned brainwashed brain is at odds with myself which is trying to squash the boyfriend need or all I'll just be is the weekly dick sucker narratives. I've noticed a 'panic' or an itch in me lately, of feeling like there "should" (society's programming) be either something 'more' or I should leave and get more elsewhere. I'm dispelling any narratives either you or part of my conditioned brain may have, I do not want 'the boyfriend'. Which is why when I separated last year I wanted to explore bdsm and poly lifestyles. I had envisioned committing to a primary for a deep connection and open exploration based around sex first with the option to be open towards others through light connections. As you can tell I have given this zero thought since yesterday. I'm thinking with how I have been feeling the last 6 weeks, a non adversarial non equal partnership approach seems like good business, giving me structure for my conditioned brain that is wanting to either boyfriend you or wanting me to run to find the boyfriend. During these last 8mos I have enjoyed the play and appreciate my growth thus far. As you've said before, I don't think a lot of others would get it, the CW, which is the main attraction for both of us. And as I have said before I like what I bring, I like what you bring and like what happens when it comes together. ...It's an interesting book to say the least. :-) Just more good additional incentives for me to get better with hope that my health will recover fully.” End Message I used the book to keep me excited and hopeful and to stop my “we are likely going to end thoughts if I have herpes”. Also to give me a break from my thoughts about my health. I wanted to show him how serious I have been about committing to this dynamic and that if I have herpes I will be vigilant and serious working through that as well. Afterwards I began making doctor appointments for me and my daughter. I was curious to see if my HSRV test results came back. Doctor said later this week but no harm checking. My heart started pounding when I saw the results were ready. I started positive self talk, that whatever this is, I can and will take this step by step and to look outside literally and see that the sun is still shining. If it’s positive there will be work. If it’s negative means there is still work; I still need to work towards having a responsible upfront open transparent discussion with my play partner. I click on the link, I am taken to an error page, the page needs refreshing. I can back out now and finish my work and when I’m with my friends I can check the results. No, I can do this, myself. I remember the dream I had the other night; my gonorrhea test came back negative. I don’t know why gonorrhea was in the dream but it was negative. My friend, she said it would be negative too. I refreshed the tab. I double check the word, “negative for 1 negative for 2”. I shut my door to my room and broke down sobbing. I'm crying for me in another universe that received the positive test and crying for me for having been so scared. And what I want to do is call him now for a worship session to congratulate me. I have a negative std result and how I want to celebrate- let’s suck my Dom’s dick of course! I am happy at this moment. My breath right now is a kiss with this moment. I see he has read my above message. I’m sure there's a lot to take in. I have been told I am handful and all consuming, certainly too much for some that are not capable of being in my world. The card I pulled today, “Blessed”. The relationship section says a deeper intimacy is developing, yes certainly with self. Becoming brave. Becoming blessed. I had thoughts when I was told I likely had herpes how silly I was to think she, my pussy, was ugly and unworthy of love, cuddles and kisses. That if I had herpes I would have to be very transparent every time I played and I would have to check myself. How lucky to have the ability to be ‘relaxed’ to receive. Now I am free of feeling like I have extra work at transparency. Now I have thoughts of wanting to smash his face into my pussy and kiss her; how I dream of having her kissed by him. 1-19 Tuesday He messaged me late, said he appreciated my research but to focus on my health right now as that is more important. My heart sank. I put a lot of thought into my message to him about how I would like our dynamic to be and feel blown off. He messaged me again, but being disheartened I didn’t feel like reading it. 1-20 Wednesday I opened it this morning and said he saw a video and thought of me and my daughter. A Kamala Harris video, “A Girl in the Mirror”. A girl in the mirror...seems a direct message from my higher power. I’ve been looking at my pussy daily a few times still. Telling her I love her. And I have a sinking feeling he won’t get an updated test nor will he be transparent about his other current partners. There will be a standoff situation I think. And it sucks. My heart hurts with a want to close up to him and leave this dynamic. 1-21 Thursday We talked for 2 hours. The good girl conditioning that wants a boyfriend or run from this, is high. I have “should” thoughts in my head; that I should want more, that being just a weekly dick sucker is a bad thing. Yet I don't want someone that wants me more than I want them. I don’t do well with men that want me more. His words keep repeating in my head. I mentioned our first discussions how he would like to have and how great it would be to have a reverse dating experience- sex first then slowly get to know. In his voice, he said, “I didn’t mean you, that was not meant for you”. I didn’t mean you...keeps repeating in my head. His profile about dating the right woman that represents the holy trio of love, sex, friendship- if he sees potential then he will date them...again, he doesn’t mean me; “I didn’t mean you” repeats in my head. The call, it’s made clear, he doesn't want me, why do I feel like I’m choking back tears. Ugh clearly I’d rather be choking on cock. Choking on cock is easy; choking from emotions sucks. He doesn't 'want me'. This could be good to protect the dynamic. I am a bit relieved, this makes sense why I am different around him. My relief explained somehow my good girl conditioning still had me thinking I needed to impress him. Maybe this gives me the playground I want with space and security to find and use my voice. 1-22 Friday I sent him some screenshots of the dynamic book I’m reading, highlighted some important things. Then he drops out. He left quiet on his end. I’m failing and flailing. He said he’s leaving town for a few days. His trips again. Difficult for me. Now that I know there is someone, a woman he is emotionally connected to that he goes on trips with, seems harder. My good girl conditioning has me frozen and unable to ask questions, I can’t think. I could use a break from him anyhow. I need to get better. I fell back to good girl conditioning and apologized for something he also likely took part in. Clearly I could use a detox from my drug of choice. 1-24 Sunday Today Alice In Chains Don’t Follow is hitting me hard...I pulled rocks and cards...my crown, heart and root are blocked. My sacral is almost too open. Mantra….renewed clarity and strength Take one step towards the gods and they will take ten steps towards me…. 1.31 Sunday I momentarily went on kik but reading what my friend was up to with her ‘man’ and how she was speaking with me about him is just so much good girl conditioning I was triggered. I haven’t spoken to any of the male “friends” on kik nor fet. I think I read a few posts and only a couple of days of viewing porn. I played with him last night for 3 hours. One hour I spent just exploring his cock without even having him fully in my mouth. We sat and listened to some music-it was a nice space, being in the here and now feel good chemicals. I grabbed my things to leave and he pulled me back. He turned me and pulled me down to him...oy! My heart was pounding at a natural feeling I had of him pulling me in to kiss me then panic because we haven’t kissed! None to worry it’s covid season...no kissing! I’m transported back to our phone call when he said maybe we shouldn’t fuck, ever and not kiss because I mentioned these could make my feelings for him complicated or just have feelings for him. And back to his words, he doesn’t mean me, he doesn’t want me. Makes sense now why I have felt he’s not attracted to me. He pulled me back towards him and back down on him and his partial soft cock. My favorite is to cradle. He was too distracted with the noises outside to have me finish and it was getting late I had to get home. But that would be some really good aftercare...more cockworship! During that 2 hour call, he brought up a bull. I should go find a bull to fuck. I haven’t had sex in 9 years. Bulls are dime a dozen. Rare is matching with someone sexually and having smaller connections spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Ugh so yes I had this weird yet yummy comfortable feeling of him drawing me in to kiss me tenderly before he smashes my face on his balls….ahhh a girl can dream. ****End Reflection: I either had a premonition I was going to be forced to take some time off from my sexual stimuli or I had known I needed this and the universe helped guide me on this path of limiting my sexual self. I didn’t die from being without sexual stimuli. “Cumming” away from these two weeks, I can feel my intense vibration lowered and less spikey. I feel like I was able to pull back into quiet without panic. I even had a few good orgasms. He didn’t go away. I previously had envious thoughts wanting to be just a female friend of his, what it would be like to have him in that manner and how lucky they are. I don’t feel that so much anymore. He matches my sexual intensity and creativity that if he and I were just friends it would be such a waste to not explore sex with him; I couldn’t be just his friend. I am seeing I am hypersexual and notice the spikes are hurting me. I’m no good as anyone’s friend if I’m not my friend first. A Change Is Gonna Come- Otis Redding….
Back to how I started writing, with music! This song makes my heart smile, I can cry, I just love it so much how it makes me feel happy. Also sad as I wish I could sing...well fuck it! I can sing so what if my cat’s ears flatten back along his head and my dog looked at me like I may need help! A change is gonna come...I can feel something brewing. My shedding. I’m standing nose to nose with my old beliefs and thoughts. Likely why I can’t get rid of this kidney stone or that more keep appearing. My stubbornness to hold onto my beliefs because of fear and the discomfort that goes along with doing something new; only a wet baby likes change. I have had an intuitive feeling he would be valuable to my growth. Sitting here now though, those were just superficial feelings, I sense that there is something more difficult to work through. Last year, I had started to research how to be my cub’s Domme because I knew I needed a D/s dynamic to compartmentalize my emotions and sexual energy. I was too much for myself. Gone at that time was my desire for a traditional romantic relationship. I want to explore connections and let them be just that or flow into something more expansive. Also gone was the cub. I have been on fet for almost a year and I still want the compartmentalization. With current Dom however, him not being the typical Dom, he doesn’t have a Dom rulebook he works from. This was part of my attraction towards him, however I need more structure sometimes. We’ve recently had a hiccup within our relationship. My mental and physical health has not been so great due to more kidney stones and with that comes lots of ruminating and emotional instability. I prefer structure, planning and organization; this is not something I really have with my Dom. What is there, however, is a defined space. A safe space to make mistakes, play and negotiate if need be. He was clear about this basically from the first day I decided to follow him. Playground parameters. Recently I was ready to walk away from the dynamic as was he. Clearly we could do without the other. I heard anger in his voice and I lowered my energy. I gently reminded him about our space and ability to negotiate. What I appreciate about this dynamic is this is not a traditional romantic relationship. I placed myself more into a submissive role connecting with my desire to work trying to find a solution with her Dom. After the 2 hour phone call, the dynamic remained intact with a reminder to each other this adventure we are on is explorative but also make sure paths we decide to venture down are working for both of us and no one is losing their footing. I struggle with good girl conditioning, feeling like I should be wanting more from him and also shaming myself for being just okay with sucking his dick weekly. Unintentionally he feeds into these beliefs just being himself and I don’t want him to monitor himself; I have to work on releasing these old beliefs. These were someone else’s thoughts and ideas. Thoughts that I’m being taken advantage of, being used, paying dues for another’s sins, not being seen, easily discarded, worthless, and forgettable. I could give examples for each but all that really shows is I can prove any narrative I want. So, I am nose to nose with releasing these old negative narratives which are I should be wanting him as a boyfriend or something is wrong with me that he doesn’t want ‘more’ of me and shameful thoughts and feelings for liking the compartmentalization of being a submissive and dick sucker. I am free and capable of replacing these with new ideas and beliefs of observing and enjoying the space. It’s good to be the tool, his tool. I am a really good tool to have around. I know I have helped him. He wrote how I helped him with healing space. He is fun, I enjoy his spirit and energy when we play and he has helped me with growth; we both benefit from this dynamic. I can wholly appreciate being his hole, his weiner cleaner! Fitting to end with….. “On Your Knees” W.A.S.P. I'm not looking for
the man behind the mask. I'm looking for the beast that you bridle. This is who I want to experience. My fear is the depths of my depravity That you'll have me discover and to love. Winter came early it seems. I experience SAD during the winter months and this is the first year without my pharmaceutical crutch. Not even winter yet and I am feeling I am failing. Miserably. Monday night terrible night. The day started really really nice. In the morning I was figuring out my new toy from him. I tortured my clit for an hour, made my tits hard and ended up sending pics to him; I wasn't going to as it never ends favorably for me. He didn't comment on them as usual and I instead messaged him and directly asked about this. Then got the reaction one would hope from their Dom albeit it felt less like a natural reaction and more that he was just fulfilling my request to take notice of my tatas.
Later in the morning he and I were figuring out how the toy connected remotely and then it worked! Amaze balls! Fucking technology is fucking very amazing! He played with me remotely. I may have to write about the experience or share my audio clips of the play! Then he continued with messaging about meeting later in the evening and even spoke about funishment! My favorite! For some reason I was in 'trouble' and had a feeling I was going to get a lecture with his dick in my mouth...another favorite. But in a span of two hours I crashed hard with his message about a heads up not knowing if later the play would happen. I was triggered with his parsing of words however we did meet up later but it was more out of maybe emotional necessity and to save the dynamic rather than our dynamic playing. It was a great play and very open hearted. My drop was great this time because it seemed as soon as I come to terms, his terms really, for his unavailability I am met with another obstacle that takes his time. I am learning fucking patience at an alarming fucking rate! I feel like I finally found my sexual match and want so badly to gorge myself on the delectable treat in front of me! But if someone doesn't have the time, well we all are allotted the same amount of time it's just priority, regardless if it's not there I can't magically give him extra time for me. This latest that has taken his time is fairly serious as he's become part caregiver of his friend that is going through a serious health crisis. And I commend him for being a wonderful human being to care for another. I forget to shield myself from other's emotions and found I am very connected to him...likely swallowing his essence has some energetic connections likely....ahhhh swallowing him. oy. ouch. So I am very connected to him. The next day I wasn't feeling well. Sore throat, a two day old headache I couldn't get rid of grew worse, low grade fever, chills, runny nose and my chest was feeling wheezy. My first thought was how dumb we were when he has to take care of someone and what if I have covid. In my panic I called around and found a place that would test me as I met the requirements for a test. What of course this did was also keep me home from work. I like my job and the people I work with. Getting out of the house alone is nice. But I can't until my results are in. Gyms are closed I don't even have this to look forward to when I get my results. I feel like that will be negative. I panicked for the sake of his housemate. I felt guilty that I succumbed to my emotions and that someone I didn't even know existed until a few days prior could be affected by my actions. Communication has decreased as he said he would have very little availability and little headspace for me or this dynamic. He's being a decent human being and I'm feeling shitty because my brain is making this all about 'me'. I don't know if I should feel sorry for myself. I can't determine if how I look is because I'm sick or for crying so much. I don't have test results yet. Can I cry because I feel like shit and I feel like I keep getting shitty deals? I get I can't be in the happy sphere all of the time but I feel like those moments are few and far between. I am having a hard time sitting still, being still. What refuses to be still is my sex drive. My touchy feely side, my cuddle side my salacious about insatiable fuck side isn't sick, isn't sitting still, isn't wanting to take a break doesn't understand lockdown or titrating or lack of someone else's availability. I react now negatively to heterosexual porn my jealousy is off the charts of watching other women getting fucked, sucked, cream pie'd on, even kissing and now some thoughts are turning towards my body image...if only I looked like them then maybe I too would be getting fucked, sucked, cream pie'd on and kissed! Logically this isn't true but my body reacts. I loved cuckolds. I can't watch those anymore. Slightly jealous of gay cockworshiping now. I'm down to watching men jerk off. And really I don't need to see them. I just want to hear a man's voice cum as I cum. I'm very careful to not burn up my dopamine receptors and keep my visual porn to a few times a week or one binge a week. My binge is 6 orgasms in a short period of time watching porn. Even being sick doesn't really hold me back but maybe 2 days this week. I've exceeded my limit for the week. Luckily it's Friday. I may just put myself in the corner. until the flip. nose drip. sniff sniff. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |