My test. I am learning a great deal in compassion for self and others as well as releasing judgement. I am reminding myself about others having stories. In particular my ex. I live on his property. He provides me now with conditional access to his shower and to sleep in his house if it is too cold outside. His messages lately to me I observe are very detailed oriented to stories of his. The more I don't deny nor confirm the more detailed he becomes about his stories. I see where his focus is, control or now lack thereof.
I was told if I have special circumstances, I am to not get ready in his house it makes him uncomfortable. If I am sleeping in his house, I am not to leave his house. This makes him uncomfortable when I go out at night. He reminds me this is his house, and he is putting up his boundaries. Even weeks ago, this conversation would have had me crash into a state depression or panic with anxiety. However, I see his stories, the details he puts into his thoughts and more importantly I see his need to have control over his feelings. The difficult feelings that make him uncomfortable he has to control, becomes prevention rather than processing. He thinks controlling people, me specifically by not going out at night, prevents these difficult feelings from happening. I am not his person to help him regulate his feelings. I tried this almost 10 years ago when I told him to go to therapy. He refused saying nothing was wrong with him. In his eyes because I want the divorce this is all my fault. I am releasing my old stories of trying to convince and remind him I wanted to leave no stone unturned helping our relationship years ago. I am releasing my stories that I need to show him what his thoughts are doing and how he is stuck in his thoughts. I am releasing my stories of panic because he is emotionally unstable. Releasing stories, I may lose myself or he in fact still has control over me. Instead, I am in a learning space to continue to remind myself to hold compassion for myself while I transition from my old stories. To remain aware and see others' stories and now to not judge their thoughts nor my own. Cultivate curiosity and observe. I am approaching my 10 years mark, no, I will rephrase, I am approaching 10 years, not 'my' mark but it has been 10 years since I had cock invited inside me, my divine sexual space. I see maybe I have been in a panic of wanting to get laid, needing pussy sex because I did not want to say I went 10 years without it. I feared it wouldn't happen again, that I wouldn't have sex as I was too much in my head with thoughts. Judgment. Fear. I too had lack of control fears. I invite myself to sit without judgement. Instead, be with compassion. You are safe.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |