I'm scared. I hate this feeling. Today's mantra is long, "extreme self-care, let nature take over, receptivity releases attachments, speak truth."
My cards show I'm in a current state of seeking comfort to avoid my painful struggle. I am in such a hungry starvation of want to either contact most recent attention object or contact crush. I'm hurting emotionally and so unable to find my love for myself. I'm lacking self compassion and this hurts me greatly. I even thought to lose myself in fantasy and create a story to start writing fiction again. But my imagination it seems has left me; rightly so as I really need to just walk through this. Loneliness. Big life changes around the corner and I am still so afraid. God, even questioned myself and choice of staying off of my antianxiety and antidepressants. Momentarily thought last night I should get back on these. Being numb would be so much easier than to feel this nothing for self other than fear. Being in a pharmaceutical coma would be a nice vacation from feeling and thinking and planning and wondering. I hate having been awoke to feeling good and this bullshit new relationship energy. I hate having had dopamine highs. This is hurting me so much. Addiction. My addicted brain unable to cope without it wanting and craving that when I'm without I feel I create these absolute lows to trick myself and convince myself I really do need a dopamine bump to get through 'this'. Maybe this isn't really a low, a true low and really is a trick. How fucked am I then to do this to myself? Fuck it sucks right now.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |