Akin to the weekend all three of my attention objects were gone at the same time; I was left alone with myself! This time my only attention object is gone but I can’t even fuck with myself! No porn, no orgasms, nothing. The universe handed me a big time out during my recovery from kidney stone surgery.
I ended up back at urgent care for an emergency check up because of severe pain; they surmised I may have passed a blood clot. The pain and the drugs triggered depersonalization and derealization episodes. Frightening because it had been years since I had experienced these. Anyone that suffers mental illness and has experienced either one of these knows how terrifying these are. I’m usually thorough with follow through when I have a panic attack; I know where to go for self care tools. But when experiencing something so out of body like depersonalization I was lost and unsure what was happening; I felt life wasn’t real. While my daughter was talking to me I felt no connection to her, I was scared I was losing my mind. In fact because of so much stress my mind was trying to protect me hence this depersonalization episode; my mind needed space. Her father and I fought horribly the night before. I was heavily under the influence of pain medicine and I have very little recollection of exact conversations. The fight, the severity of my physical pain, and the stress of surgery, no wonder my mind felt a vacation was in order. While I still have a prescription for anxiety medicine, however even in my out of body state, instinctively I knew my body could not tolerate any more pharmaceuticals. I turned my phone on. I was going to leave it off for the weekend but something was calling me to read messages. A message from him. My Meta. I had received a pic yesterday from him and today his message was he had hoped the pic of his hat brought me a smile. Also he said when he returns home Godcock will need a lot of worship. There. In my confused out of body state, my mind quickly latched onto the word “Godcock” then further expanded to “will need a lot of worship”. During a depersonalization episode, I am very much out of body and my mind feels it’s in free fall, desperately and not desperate enough at finding anything remotely safe or familiar to latch onto until stabilization is recovered. I can see myself detached and I can feel fear that I’m losing my mind and going ‘crazy’ and yet nowhere inside of me is there a voice to help me navigate to safety; no voice of reason or logic . My ability to gain any semblance of control is solely relied upon through intuition and maybe chance. Godcock. Immediately my mind tunnelled to the word and memories of worship came flooding. This provided immense assistance. From the physical moment we met, well, more like during the second half of our first meeting in the back of his car when I dropped into my body, the space between his legs, his cock, became my place of solace. Backing up here to explain, during a panic attack, a great tool to use is the use of your senses to bring you back to body. I use a 5-4-3-2-1 technique: to see 5 things, touch 4 things, listen for 3 things, smell 2 things and taste 1 thing. This technique does the trick for me. However, during depersonalization/derealization reality is skewed and my senses are inactive because I am out of body and my mind is floating; therefore to my floating mind, there is nothing in my physical space to connect with so I can not ground myself. But when I saw his message in particular “Godcock'', I was able to connect with memories of worship. I connected with my memory of my senses. I was able to ‘see’ five things from memory. Our last play I am pulled to see the beer can I was holding, my black boots I slipped off, his kind eyes, the sexy red glow from his jeep dash light, and glorious Godcock when he used the light of his phone wanting to see my mouth. The four things I remember touching: the cool smoothness of the beer can I held for a few minutes, the contrast of how hard his cock was through the softness of his cotton underwear, and the feel of Godcock on my tongue. The three things I remember hearing: my music selection I chose for my Suc’session in particular Metallica’s “Orion”, I love that song, the sound of his chuckled breaths when he was close to the edge, and how loud he moaned when he came so violently in my mouth. The two items I remember smelling: his scent it’s so calming although I can’t physically remember it I would be able to pick him out of a smell line up, and the smell of the beer. The last item of remembering is the one of taste. After he had me on my back with my thighs splayed and pussy exposed to his light and gentle touches, it was then “back to work”; the instant I placed my mouth on him he had so much delicious precum, salty with a small amount of sweet. I was so eager to take him back in my mouth I forgot about my pussy all together. Look at that! My 5-4-3-2-1 technique! While I was ‘floating’ out of my body during a depersonalization panic attack episode, I was able to take my detached mind and attach it to something in order to bring me back to my body. In years past when I had these episodes all I could do was sit in a shower and cry from fear I would lose my mind, remember to take a pill; medicate and fall asleep. This time however, I was able to literally use my memory of his tool, Godcock; the memory of worship gave me the ability to reconnect back to my body. My mind that was in free fall was able to attach to distinct pleasurable moments and bring me back to body; cock worship. My attention object although not here physically has helped me while away, much appreciation to Godcock. Now to figure out why the Universe is having me to sit...
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The three of us need a break.
-reign it in slow your roll -nah let's fuck suck our way through this mess -better yet meditate don't medicate Respectfully, Ego- Id- Superego- The Dead Milk Men "Leggo my Ego" Thank you Meta for taking my lipping liking my tipping I do not like it I do not like it one bit I do not like being called out I do not like being called out to sit. Nonetheless I appreciate you~ I had a rough time yesterday with my child’s father; having to get someone to realize he is manipulating himself is difficult. I hope he can stay with this thought and be more aware. I’ve also for days been wanting to play, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve been struggling with my place, it seems, in more than one relationship. I readily admit I use and crave and want sex when I’m stressed. With current events in politics I’ve been stressed. Fuck yes, I would like to fuck that away for a few hours, especially since it’s been years since I’ve fucked. Jesus it was before the previous administration’s second term the last time I had sex! My deceased brother’s birthday was over the weekend. Ah, yes please I would like a load of cum shot down my throat in honor of my gay brother who would’ve been proud of me for the way I worship cock! My recent blow up with my child’s father, yes I would like to trade a blow up for a blow job as it is much nicer to have dick in the mouth than to be mouthed by a dick! And my kidney stone surgery that is coming up; I’d prefer to be cumming stoned instead! But none of that. Instead wake up in the morning with Fleetwood Mac’s song “Go Your Own Way” in my head. Pulled chakra stones and I saw how my power was gone along with my heart. And the 3 cards I pulled all in a protection position meaning dishonest to self and/or being misled by others, others withholding acting on hidden agendas, ask for the truth even if it’s not what I want to hear and try to be calm. I’ve had thoughts since Saturday percolating. My stomach hurts so bad I have to get out of the house. I thought it was a bad salad but I knew it was my power, as my solar plexus and heart both felt painfully blocked. Beastie Boys “Paul Revere” on loop...I can spit it from the top of my lungs and it makes me happy; maybe someone will get to laugh with me while I rap to it! Hopped in my jeep and drove to the chapel. He did message me, I told him where I was going and why. I desperately needed to cry loudly. Seems fitting there at the chapel. I can whisper to my old ghost to tell her things about things that she’s thinking. I pull up and fitting, the lights are off...is anyone even home? Does someone even hear me when I pray? I sit inside. A deep breath and I immediately think about my brother and start crying about how much I miss him. I regret that I didn’t call him. I cry for having only the back of a pew to lean on while I sob as no one is around. Alone, I feel always. I cry out for help, for a message. I don’t even know what to ask for, just that I feel lost and don’t know much of anything anymore. He messages me asking what’s wrong. I tell him about my child’s father. And I made a statement about us but I think he missed it. He was focused on sending me a podcast link. I listened and cried; it was about fires and serotinous cones that only open and drop seeds when there is a fire. I cried harder as I can see in the midst of this uncomfortable uncertainty, my fire, maybe seeds are being dropped and planted. I’m okay to just be in this uncomfortable feeling. My ‘world’ and my being won’t end here; I don’t need to, this very second, figure ‘this’ out. I am okay to feel this discomfort while I sort my feelings out. Sobbing in the darkness of the chapel with car lights casting dancing shadows across the walls, I smile warmly as I see my ghost doing things without shame; I’m envious of the excitement and the newness of what she gets to experience. I look towards the door and start to visualize my future ghost, maybe she’s standing in the doorway watching me sob trying to let me know to just be, those seeds dropped, growth has already started; I've been heard. Made up for the makeups
stillness lying on back Head up high in subspace bring me down back Hand up towards my breasts reaching back smacking slapping spanking Me back in my body feeling connected feeling orgasmic Breasts both dappled with your markings green yellow blue Days of drop just look down your presence there in the dappled hues Monthly Challenge "Dappled" 8/8/2020- Fitting yesterday's post, "I'm Coming Out". His homework, he had wanted me to send him a pussy pic. No. I haven't seen her in years- since days after I gave birth. His response was I'm not ready/worthy. Ouch. 'worthy'. Okay Wayne's World-I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy. He wants me to take pictures of my pussy for me. Write my first thoughts. Then write what I would want him to say about my pussy, what others might say if I posted the pics and write a conversation of me having with my pussy.
Yes work. Inner work. Pussy work. This is what I signed up for. After spending an hour trying to find my selfie stick, I realized I was just avoiding. Shower, shaved the legs as it had been awhile since last play; I felt like I was going on a date! Remembering the shower I took when I got ready for the first time I played with Meta. Went to my room. Decided to set up the chair in front of my chakra tapestry; my meditation spot seems fitting. Oy! I'm excited and nervous. I don't know why I'm nervous. It's just a pussy picture. Mine. I got this. And I don't have to send it to anyone. He didn't say he wanted it anyhow. I really don't want my pussy pictures floating around nor collected. Camera setup would be easier if someone else could do the shots but this is for me and my eyes and for her. Awkward I have to put a pillow under my ass to lift me up enough for the camera to get a good shot. I see her. I haven't seen her in years. Almost 9. Nothing like I remembered and so much more. I just started crying. Like a long lost relative being found; separated at birth. Literally the last time I saw her was when I gave birth. Lots of shots and I feel like now I can't stop. Can't stop looking and staring! So now my own comments on her: Even the blurry ones are pretty. “Nice long slit, I'm attracted to long slits I realize, I'm a slit girl!” “My inner labia right side is larger, like a petal peeking and has a beautiful gradient dark color.” “I love that my clitoral hood can be seen when the mound is slightly pulled away; sexy peek-a-boo.” “I really love the natural look- men and women; especially for myself. Something primal, raw, nature.” “I love that my hole partially can be seen- alluded to- a sexy come hither hint!” “I have a blurry one spreading my labia and looks like a pink heart!” “I'd totally worship her!” Now what I would want him to say: “I can't wait until you are worthy enough to have me worship that pussy.” “I want it wet!” (Demanding voice testing me if I could on cue make her wet-likely especially with his voice...maybe reading a jeep manual even!) “I want to place my hand on your pussy with my middle finger cradled in your slit.” (He called me while on my vacation to give me a guided meditation and he had me do this.) “There needs to be a Godcock introduction- a teas'mony teasing introduction ceremony!” (oh my gawd a fucking t.i.c.! Homage to my sex tics!) “I want to rub Godcock around your pussy, then you must lick him clean so you may taste yourself...if you are worthy!” “Godless pretty pussy!” What others would say if I posted the pics: “Juicy pussy” “I want some of that” “I'd rub my cock all over you” “I'd bury my face in that” “Nice pussy” ”Pretty pussy” “Let me lock my mouth on that” “Delicious slit” My conversation with my pussy: Crying, I haven't seen you in years. I don't know why I kept you away from others let alone from myself. I never once did not, not like you. I remember all those times fucking in our early 20's I loved watching when he would pump in and out. The mirrors. The video, but it was bad quality and we agreed not our best angle. But I'm sorry I never found another partner as worthy, and fun; I kind of gave up searching and just stopped caring to play. Having stopped caring, I didn't need to see you as you just became a reminder that I settled and didn't care enough about me or us. Then it just became easier. I got older so it was time to literally settle down; family pressured me to find someone to get married and start a family. So I found someone that had no passion, easier this way for me; I wouldn't set myself up for disappointment somehow. And he didn't care. I forgot this memory! Remember when we hid in the closet dressed in the nurses outfit? Well, it was my phlebotomy jacket and some white wedge stripper shoes! I thought for sure he'd be excited! It was hot that day when he came home, we were sweating and couldn't breathe in that closet. I left a sexy path of notes for him to follow and find us. And all he did was pick up the notes and not look for us. He had his routine and preferred that than us. We were too hot in there and jumped out in frustration and left emotionally hurt. He was surprised, but because I was hiding and didn't know why I had a costume on. I did this thinking he had a playful side. I felt so dumb. And disappointed. Last time I showed my playful side too, hid you as well. I said no more and ignored you. Then the miscarriages. Thought you hated me and I was being punished somehow, we both were. I should've left after 6 years trying for a baby. But then she came. I looked at you days after and no one told me how different you would look. I thought I messed you up and now no one would really want us ever again. So again I put you away, ignored you and put us down. All this time I felt a bit guilty that it was me not wanting him, but I did try with him. I thought he would play and appreciate us and my playful side. He didn't appreciate you, I don't even remember if he even kissed you. He hardly kissed me so no matter. I had no money to get back home so I settled not knowing what else to do. Figured this was my life, the rest of it. And now. I signed up for a fet account looking for a Dom not sure but figure I’d fuck and finally be used and here I am falling back in love with you. Cried some more, because I have missed you and am terribly sorry for ignoring you, us. And from now on you are worthy of being cared for, by me. You are worthy of being appreciated by another. Kissed, caressed, fondled and fucked you deserve this and more. I won't put you away nor stop looking at you. You are here. I am here. No longer separate. I care. I read my chakra stones and card for the day. I received The Fates card- Love unconditionally, and the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. My stones showed my throat chakra, heart chakra is blocked. My prescription for self: Write about this experience, forgive self- reach out and help another. Also understand the difference between what I can change and what I can’t. Love and friend self and others unconditionally. I thank the fates for guiding me to you, Meta. Yes likely I would've found my way back to my pussy eventually but when I signed onto fet I had hoped I would find a good Dom that wouldn't just make this just about sex but a deeply personal evolution. "I can't thank you, enough." ;-) And just realized- this was four months to the day we met. When we first spoke, I had a feeling you'd bring me back. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |