I don't know where to put this but I want it out of my head. Today's mantra, "My heart has what I need to feel joy of love, here and now." Miscommunication. Not listening. Assumptions. It's been made clear to me I was to read someone else's enthusiasm levels or lack thereof and understand their need. Clearly this is a mistake to have someone else guess a need through their reaction or lack of. Instead of me seeing this just as a mistake and having them clarify I emotionally reacted.
I'm hurting- because of my hurt it rippled out from me and I do not want to be this for another, towards another human that is working on there stuff; cause suffering. Today no thoughts of fictional futures or false memories; today just prayers staying present, chanting. My body has been hurting, my heart has been heavy and my mind has been suffering. I'm done. I am my beginning. I am my end. I am. Here. Just for today.
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My last post about trust falling without a focal point, I found it. It is within me. My honesty and willingness to examine connections are my gauges, my thermometer, this is my north star. I read my rocks today and my chakras are all open and balanced and even my heart is open to male and female energy. While writing, out my chakras and my pulled cards for the day, I found a previously scribbled note or appears to be the start of a poem. But odd how it feels like it was a note to my future self, which is currently now at this very moment. I somewhat remember when I wrote it last summer. The message while listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement: Moderation thoughts the blindfolds within intuitive communication without the noise of miscommunication without the empty space needing a fill of ambiguity This has so much meaning for me now. The cards I pulled current- To Be Fair(protection)- lead with kindness, empathy and courage Heading to- Higher Power (protection)- give to Spirit Action- Loyal Heart- trust divine protection Dynamic- declare feelings I played last night and afterwards, he played a song twice. I don't know what it's called or how to find it but while listening I connected to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement. The song he played I made connections from beyond; thoughts of my deceased brother, and either initials S.H. or a name with 'sh' in it was trying to communicate with me. There was just a yummy cosmic openness. Human vulnerability, honest with feelings and needs and desire to have magical connections with others even if filled with fear. There was a moment last night where there was an intense connection. No walls. No thoughts. Even fear was present. A recognition of connection; I smiled to him for being present with me and this energy. I smiled at him because I saw him; I saw him see and feel this energy. That openness to step to the connection and let it unfold, even if with fear but allow that energy to form and swirl; that's what I want more of. Take that fear, be honest to it and with it; honor it. Honesty and honoring. I honor you and our connected energy by bringing my honesty.
Thoughts of crush with an urge to reach out to him to see how he's doing flooding my mind this morning as I woke up. Memories of his voice and smile make me want to contact him. I'm thinking why? I'm floundering for a focal point, a familiar and comfortable attention object. Reliable with certainty. Comfort in the known constant chaos.
I have new chaos sprinkling in starting to flood my area and this new chaos is uncomfortable because it's not familiar to me. These attention objects I have clung to trying not to see them as lifesaving implements; I have been using them to try to save me. I have been working on saving myself but still have a want to have a constant focal point. Scared. First time I am feeling really alone. Afraid those in my outer circle are there in their permanent places because they aren't and never meant to come to my inner circle, my inner space. Today's mantra I've been repeat writing this morning, "Let go & see, flow, relax, trust. Give & receive heart & soul, heal old stories." So I really need to trust fall here and commit to trust falling with my heart and soul. On my fet profile along with the attachment theory subject I included, "If wanting a deeper connection with me-do your trauma work and work on your insecure attachments because if you're going to lose interest as I gain interest then my interest in any further conversations/connections is going to be zero. Otherwise I'm ok with light passing by flirty connections!" Easy checks and balance for me especially with those that don't show or want a deeper connection with me, there is no need to waste my energy. Sharing myself to those that wish to not see me or share themselves with me is a waste of time and energy. Wow maybe this is an old story? Tit for tat? Do others as they do me? I don't know. And because I don't know is why I think I have this strong desire to reach out to him, my 20 year crush. Because I know that dance, he gives enough to distract me from my current chaos of my life. Frightening when realized I almost replaced my 20 year crush with another. Same story. Getting comfortable in the good enough this is it dance. Take the little comfortable bits because pining is what is comfortable and what I had done best. Reliability would be scary. This is what I am needing; I'm tired and scared just want one place somewhere to call 'home'. A safe place I can run to anytime even if for a little while. I could just stop running, hold fast, hug self and trust fall. Let go and see what Spirit has in store for me, better than my imagination? My time now to learn to flow and relax even if the flood is starting to feel like it's turning into a tidal wave; draw in a deep breath, hold still and let go of focal points. Close eyes and set sights inward. New attention object, new focal point; self. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |