Tonight I've been researching sub drop; technically could be just called 'drop'. I was searching in particular for anything written about dropping from online D/s play. Luckily there are plenty of articles or I would just be even more confused feeling like shit something was 'wrong' with me. He told me, I have a wave of needs which is why I like having different men in my life. This is true. I have a poly nature and enjoy many for different reasons; I don't want to limit nor be limited experiencing or loving. The few I do have, fill me differently. But I feel even for myself I've reached a limit, or that I have quality ones and don't feel a need to want any more and just explore more with them. I played with Dom A over the weekend. First time on the phone. Not the first time we spoke but first time we played on the phone. It was amazing.
Now because my people pleasing side will push her way to the forefront and without her voice will likely delay this post as to not 'hurt' others. So let me preface with her voice: I don't play a lot with a lot of men. There had to have been a multifaceted connection and we exchanged many messages. Cub, he and I spoke for sometime playing Fallout76 before we played once, an ex boyfriend a few times, and past crush just once. Now from the website- the first phone sex play was with Primal and I had already been on the website for two months. With Dom A we would text role play and I'd give a recorded audio. My trial dom I'm not sure I would include since we had a brief time with a few tasks and we didn't have phone sex. Clarifying phone sex-it's me having an orgasm while on the phone regardless if the other party had an orgasm. Although I'd hope it was enjoyed as much as I enjoyed myself. And finally is potential Cub Dom. So it's just those men a few times or just once. The memorable ones likely got their own section-memorable good, bad or indifferent; I write about those that left their mark. I think I appeased my pp side (people pleasing) giving attention where she felt needed to go. There are some on the fringe, that could be potential play partners or maybe future doms. I just am not certain because I am feeling complete right now, nonetheless I enjoy the message exchanges even without play. With that out of the way. Why am I here tonight? I was searching sub drop resources in particular for online play. Even with little play, I'm not even speaking of phone sex, initially when I started the online journey I would experience a drop in the feel good chemicals just from hot texting. I had figured because it's been so long since I've had sex it makes sense why I can get such an intense high from any kind of play. I determined, with more play the extreme highs and lows would dissipate. I'm pretty sure within the last few weeks I did experience a drop with Primal at one point, but dismissed it as being something else. In my head I envision my footing climbing a rock wall. If I know where the locations are to place my feet I won't feel apprehensive and insecure about moving forward. Maybe during the time with Primal I felt I didn't know where my feet were heading however with his help I felt more secure and in turn felt 'the drop' concluded. It's what I love about this process; I can discover my likes and dislikes, also what works and what doesn't work. Writing also helps me process; giving me a diary. Writing out my thoughts I can dissect my emotions pulling back from them. Rather than becoming the emotion I can see it as an experience. Good or bad, experiences don't last. Tonight, however I'm feeling some type of way. My blood sugar crashed earlier to the point I almost called for help. It was low, I was actually out on a walk/run and had started feeling confused. It's been so long since this happened I missed my symptom that would've prevented the incident. Insulin is a hormone. Drop in hormone levels is 'the drop'. My sub drop symptoms are usually insecurity, sadness, insomnia, feeling empty and 'this-is-a-sad-pathetic-life-and-this-is-it' feeling. I likely could've been pushed over tonight by today's earlier insulin drop. Even at this moment while writing and dissecting I am experiencing sadness maybe a good cry would help alleviate the crash. I will keep a running list somewhere on good aftercare steps and write about that in another post. Also helpful is I'm tracking my moods and sexual energy, I could include any possible drops, see if there is a correlation. There likely is, for future reference I can see where I am with my energy and know what days I would require more aftercare. I enjoy all my play experiences, if I didn't I wouldn't want for another play time. Dom A, I've been wanting for months to play with him. Time zones are a big deal. Maybe he felt I should finally be rewarded; good psychological mind play. But he never used it as a way to punish he doesn't he's a rewarding Dom; never really an ultimatum either. And he's not my dom, either. I had asked why we hadn't and eventually we planned. We played Saturday night, details may be at another time and post. After Saturday play, on Sunday we messaged off and on. I was also experiencing a spiritual high (maybe a sub drop symptom or subspace?); I was doing some introspection that day. I'm going to keep an eye on when I like to introspect. I suspect maybe instinctively, I know I'm dropping and introspection with or without writing is a means of pulling out of the emotions through examination. I was looking at dating and what it means. Earlier Sunday morning an ex called drunk- well proceeded, in the 3 or 4 hour conversation, to get drunk. I was sucked into trying to make him feel better and when I pulled out to take care of myself he got defensive. I ended the call told him I'm sorry he's feeling vulnerable but with a depressant in his system nothing I can say will help him feel better. Later Sunday I spent a few hours in an emotional discussion with my child's father. These two men essentially needing from me something I couldn't give. I was emotionally spent. Message exchanges from Dom A triggered me back up again to the point I made an audio for him of my own play. Tonight is Tuesday, within the possible 72 hours window of a drop. I had extreme emotional highs and lows and with today's insulin crash I more than likely am experiencing 'the drop'. The extreme highs I felt from the intensity I feel with Dom A, us finally playing on the phone, asmr also at play, to the extreme lows with two needy men, interspersed are messages from Primal who also can accelerate my intensity. When I figure out what works for me I will insert here as to help others and to my future self or curious potential partners. I no doubt require aftercare; I'm one of those that can accelerate very easily and intensely, 16% of women according to Emily Nagoski, "Come As You Are". Next time after phone sex I will try a ten minute talk and see if that alleviates anything. I notice, so far with every phone play I have had, we hang up within a minute or two after orgasm. I feel tired usually after or I feel I've taken too much of their time so best to just jump off the phone quickly to mitigate any awkward conversations. This is something I need to work on and suspect it's part of pp (people pleasing). However, Dom A stayed on the phone with me a bit longer. He started a conversation about my definite need for aftercare. How fortuitous he stayed on the phone with me to discuss my need for aftercare in real life. Which brings me to this nugget. My aftercare in real life is going to be required, I even need some for online/phone sex play. I have not been intimate physically with anyone in almost now 8.5 years. But what will play look like? Will it have to be small sessions? I imagine so as too much could be overwhelming to me. This is why I feel I'm picky for a good reason. This man is going to have someone on his hands (oy. my visuals.) that is already an intense emotionally sexually charged being and has been without sex for 8.5 years. I knew aftercare would be high on my priority list but now I'm giving thought about actual in person play. Primal had mentioned this to me but it didn't sink in. So who I physically connect with will need to know and not only provide aftercare but will have to check in with me quite frequently during play. Also I think about the person I play with; if they already can bring about a drop through online or phone play then playing in person will be more intense for me. Now with the release of covid lockdown on the horizon I need to get my aftercare research in order by finding what I need and what works for me. I read chocolate is always a good choice, great excuse to try that for next play! Until the flip~ check in, play, check in, play aftercare
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My psyche at work again- Sleep To Dream I got my feet on the ground And I don't go to sleep to dream You got your head in the clouds You're not at all what you seem This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways So don't forget what I told you Don't come around, I got my own hell to raise I feel this isn't directed towards anyone just for myself; to my negative self, my self filled with doubts; an internal conflict. My struggle that's been brewing likely since I realized I had been without touch for far too long. This also includes my own touch. I remember discussing with my therapist a time I cried just for putting lotion on my body after a shower; I had even refused to lotion up my body fully. For years somewhere inside me I felt my body didn't deserve touch from anyone else including myself. Lately, I've been allowing self judgement to try to seep in; trying to refill places where I had successfully removed negative thoughts. This past year I have been filling myself with an openness to find my curiosity again and explore. My writing has helped me process, and my exploration these past few months inside the BDSM world just exploring my sexual self has done more for me than a year's worth of cognitive behavioral therapy. I have met a couple of great guides through this process helping me navigate this world and have even helped me explore my inner self. One in particular is my sounding board to my curiosity. This journey isn't just about my body, to feed the physical need as I once thought; but I'm realizing it's really about reconnecting my body and my mind. The dissection I performed years ago was a way to live in my choices without a fight; my way of coming to terms of me giving up to settle. My mind has been waking up this past year when a young cub started to flirt with me; I remembered how good it felt to feel aroused. Memories of me loving sex came back. Then deeper still were memories how I loved dirty sex. All but one of my sexual partners were vanilla and I continuously settled. My reawakened curiosity to explore has me realizing further, it's not just conventional society's vanilla definition of dirty sex I want; but I want to try just about everything I can. I feel I've been locked away for years and I'm coming out now, free to seek. The voices of opposition in my head are telling me this isn't going to work. To just stay locked away it'll be easier and less messy. I tell you how I feel, but you don't care I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare You say love is a hell you cannot bear And I say gimme mine back and then go there, for all I care Makes sense now this song and why it was in my head upon waking. I'm trying to explain to myself in order to be whole I need to feel, I need to discover my truth, and the experience of every emotion is a beautiful thing it's part of what makes me feel alive. All of me should want this for myself. Carl Jung said, "Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one's being, but by integration of the contraries." I'm reconnecting mind with body and this is starting to feel amazing. I want to explore with all of my senses to make up for lost time; slowly savor and enjoy every moment sexual or not. Let this journey unfold. The tension within myself that has been built up no longer has to remain restrained, it is now able to expand and fall open the way petals on a flower splay apart; blooming. With this song in my mind and warm thoughts of those that have helped me and currently are helping me, I begin to ache. I want to be touched. A desire to be caressed begins to build. I reach out to touch my own body, I feel the softness of my breasts. Noticing and appreciating the difference between my pre baby breasts and after baby breasts; sexy squishy now. My nipples harden. Hands eager to explore my body while my mind is swimming in delicious thoughts; wanting to have an orgasm. With my left hand on my sexy tits, my right hand slides under the blanket gliding down to feel the dip of my waist. Next, my hips, my beautiful wide hips yearning for the pressure of his hands to bear down upon them using them to drive deeper inside me. Legs splayed, I'm so wet this morning. Fingers explore outside of my panties feeling the wetness; soaked. My internal muscles are throbbing. I press around my vulva dragging my fingers against the fabric feeling the slight bulge from my full outer lips. My vaginal muscles opening in anticipation having an urge to be penetrated. The thought of whether I want a slow tease of his cock entering me or a quick plunge deep diving into my wetness; makes me more wet. I'm close to cumming. I can feel my vulva becoming more sensitive; the brush of fabric falling concave and slight air changes on my pussy is increasing my sensitivity. Frantic finger circles with visions of his forearms at either side of my head pumping himself inside me, meeting my bucking hips; I cry out softly as I cum intensely. "This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways" I won't be stifled any longer now that I'm becoming fully present in my mind and my body. However, as I reach for further growth and exploration, I do hope to be encouraged by some deviant ways. Until the flip~ don't sleep to dream stay aroused Apple, F. “Sleep to Dream.” Spotify, 23 July 1996, open.spotify.com/track/51HiIbv8gO0HvwpmAxXAFe.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |