I had to work one of the worst shopping days of the year. Consumerism sucks. Or He has told me I am a cumsumer...
I started the day waking up after I had a delicious almost deep throat dream... I gave myself a "Happy Hour" - every hour I would find a reason to smile or laugh. My shift started at 4 am the rundown: **3am** Metallica blasting **4am** N she's the lead this morning and is so sweet and so soft spoken but know she's tough **5am** noticed He read my kik up late or up early **6am** T showed me pics of her cat Lollipop- so cute! **7am** Jenny. Asked where she was if she made it to Florida. And she did! She's an older lady that stopped me when I had my jeep top off during the summer and asked if my jeep was for sale and that it looked like it was a lot fun! Told her not for sale and yes lots of fun especially topless! So happy for her! **8am** car customer wanted to slip me $5. I said no thank you but donate to a local animal shelter in my name...he actually looked at my name badge and said he would! **9am** N the lead didn't want to share me with another department, she said she wanted me all to herself! **10am** 2nd break **11am** I haven't seen my co-workers for a week being sick and waiting for covid results, I missed everyone and told them! P he's a sweet young kid who triggers my tic's when he starts saying fuck. I said I missed him and he said he missed me too **12pm** was informed I could leave early The sun was out and cleaned up the garage as it looks like Wednesday will be nice so I made room to take the top off. Maybe I can go topless for a few hours on a drive. I filled my day with smiles, it helped to not give so much attention to the negatives. Now if someone could fill me, someone top me, that would top the day off nicely! I did have a fucking hot dream this morning. I was sitting on his lap with my legs around him and I could feel myself getting hot and wet just with my cunt so close to his crotch and my face so close to his face. I could smell my heated pussy, which is odd because I usually don't smell anything or talk about smells in my dreams. With me straddling him and my legs around his waist, I made a breathy whisper near his ear hoping to seduce him with my voice and my sweet warm scent wafting up from my crotch, "Hhhhaaaay, I'm hot. Can you smell me?" I smile confidently, as I'm sure he can't resist wanting to taste me. His presence though, he has a way of putting me in my place. He sees right through my seduction and knows he holds the power. He smirks and leans in to my ear, moving below to my neck close enough I can feel light feathery touches of his lips brushing up against my skin. He says calmly, deliberately, enunciating every letter in each word knowing what effect this has on me, my ears and my pussy. Licking his lips, "Yes. I've noticed the scent of your pussy wanting me." He pulls back and his lips are so close to mine, he's staring into my eyes making me fucking wetter. In a more quiet tone to really draw me to him, breathy he says, "But you're going to be a good girl first, get off of my lap and put my cock in that happy mouth of yours." He pulls my legs abruptly from his waist as he gets up pushing me off of him. Then he gently lays me back. My eyes are locked onto his unsure what he's going to do next; I watch his smile as he licks his lips. His eyes fall to the hem of my skirt. With his firm gentle hands he pushes my skirt up my thighs then he leans down placing his mouth on my inner thigh at my knee. I mewl softly as he is now leaving slow, gentle kisses up my soft quivering inner thigh near and near my cunt and he tells me, "Your scent has made my cock hard, the smell of your pussy wanting me has excited me. Yes I want you." With his mouth he cups my mound and leaves a kiss on top of my lacey black panties. He comes up and pushing my legs down. Unzips his pants freeing his cock. His beautiful cock bobs free, wanting me, my eager mouth instantly salivates, wanting his cock. He climbs on top of me pinning my arms down with his knees...
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I messaged my friend last night after he commented on a tree pic I sent him. I had a memory about a movie I saw as a kid. It was of a man that wanted to become a tree. I remember distinctly his happy face when one day he felt he was taking root. I would often dig my feet into the ground, bury my feet also wanting to take root. The movie is Mr. Sycamore and I plan on watching it soon. My love for trees. Makes me smile. I have written a post about it. Today my guides showed me all is well. I'm experiencing SAD and I think the winter holidays are ass backwards, I loathe consumerism because it brings the worst traits out of humans. I have to work the day after thanksgiving day. I'm thankful every fucking day I don't need a white washed holiday to have me thankful, another reason I'm feeling discomfort. Crown and Brow both blocked- feelings of depression, lack of visions Very grounded- root chakra very open Throat chakra also open- My card Flexible: The book's example was based on a tree to stay flexible. Reminds me of a saying I have that makes me think of trees- "I bend so I don't break." Card for my dynamic: Tick-Tock in protection mode. I have fears that it's too late for me. And my guides are telling me I am in capable hands with guides in the invisible spaces making sure I am receiving all kinds of good things during my journey; I don't have to fear that I have run out of time. My prescription: Write down all the good things in my life, set intentions, connect with my higher self and meditate. Hold back a few words. I'm going to get a good night's sleep. Meditate for work. Maybe use a little dopamine induced fantasy to give me the motivation I need to get through tomorrow. Connect with at least one person tomorrow. Find one thing an hour to make me smile- this will be my goal for tomorrow!
Until the flip- stay grounded and bend to not break "Zen And The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" Robert M. Pirsig. I was given this book by a guy named Sean, from Santa Barbra over 20 years ago. I was working at a bank and he came in from out of town to work on something at our office. Maybe it was the heating system as this is starting to get a brown-chicken-brown-cow porn feel. So, perfect the heating system it is. He really did exist and parts of this did really happen.
I was trying to move through my life after a broken heart. Pushing the lunch room doors open, not looking forward to the bland lunch I made along with the loud noise of the television, blaring the latest soap opera some of the women at work like to force others to watch, I was pleasantly surprised the tv was off and I was alone. As the doors swung shut behind me I realized I wasn't alone. Startled, I saw him and said, "Hello." First thing I noticed was his bright smile. Friendly smile, the kind of smile that says he can get under the hood of your jeep, fix any problem you have and not rip you off. But the corners upturned just slightly enough that says you want him under your hood ripping something off. There is something just below the surface. Next I noticed his jawline, he has a great handsome face. This good looking blue collar type, dirty hands but looks like he cleans up nicely has auburn long'ish hair. Hmmmm long enough to pull on I bet. A nice physique not overly muscular but looks like he's born with good genes to not have to spend too much time or any time working out. I like the natural bodies, the healthy ones not the ones that scream gym rat even the ones that may push the line towards dad bod are lovely. "Hi ya, how's it going?" his nice voice carried a bass cadence that seemed to reverberate in the empty lunch room and leave the hairs on my neck stand giving notice. I chuckle nervously somehow unsettled with the realization it's just him and I. My, maybe in an overly confident, voice responds, "Ha! What no soap operas for you? It's usually on when I arrive." "Nah," rolls out of his full lips while my eyes try to unlock from the sight of his slightly opened mouth exposing a hint of his tongue, "the noise was too much and no one else was here, I prefer to work in quiet." I'm suddenly made aware of my inner thighs now as I slowly walk over to my usual table. The air between my thighs seems to be parting my legs. The pantyhose I have been wearing now feels deliciously constricting around my shapely thighs, my almost buckling knees, and my small calves. My matching wine colored skirt suit suddenly feels like it is falling off of me, or it is me wishing for it to fall off. I'm feeling nervous. And hot. I have this sudden overwhelming feeling that we, that he and I should not be left alone. Nonsense. I thought, enough about this feeling. "Well, sorry to disrupt your solitude, but I am here now." I say half confidently testing my flirting abilities. "Yes. I see and take notice." Ah fuck. He's hot and I'm wet... Winter came early it seems. I experience SAD during the winter months and this is the first year without my pharmaceutical crutch. Not even winter yet and I am feeling I am failing. Miserably. Monday night terrible night. The day started really really nice. In the morning I was figuring out my new toy from him. I tortured my clit for an hour, made my tits hard and ended up sending pics to him; I wasn't going to as it never ends favorably for me. He didn't comment on them as usual and I instead messaged him and directly asked about this. Then got the reaction one would hope from their Dom albeit it felt less like a natural reaction and more that he was just fulfilling my request to take notice of my tatas.
Later in the morning he and I were figuring out how the toy connected remotely and then it worked! Amaze balls! Fucking technology is fucking very amazing! He played with me remotely. I may have to write about the experience or share my audio clips of the play! Then he continued with messaging about meeting later in the evening and even spoke about funishment! My favorite! For some reason I was in 'trouble' and had a feeling I was going to get a lecture with his dick in my mouth...another favorite. But in a span of two hours I crashed hard with his message about a heads up not knowing if later the play would happen. I was triggered with his parsing of words however we did meet up later but it was more out of maybe emotional necessity and to save the dynamic rather than our dynamic playing. It was a great play and very open hearted. My drop was great this time because it seemed as soon as I come to terms, his terms really, for his unavailability I am met with another obstacle that takes his time. I am learning fucking patience at an alarming fucking rate! I feel like I finally found my sexual match and want so badly to gorge myself on the delectable treat in front of me! But if someone doesn't have the time, well we all are allotted the same amount of time it's just priority, regardless if it's not there I can't magically give him extra time for me. This latest that has taken his time is fairly serious as he's become part caregiver of his friend that is going through a serious health crisis. And I commend him for being a wonderful human being to care for another. I forget to shield myself from other's emotions and found I am very connected to him...likely swallowing his essence has some energetic connections likely....ahhhh swallowing him. oy. ouch. So I am very connected to him. The next day I wasn't feeling well. Sore throat, a two day old headache I couldn't get rid of grew worse, low grade fever, chills, runny nose and my chest was feeling wheezy. My first thought was how dumb we were when he has to take care of someone and what if I have covid. In my panic I called around and found a place that would test me as I met the requirements for a test. What of course this did was also keep me home from work. I like my job and the people I work with. Getting out of the house alone is nice. But I can't until my results are in. Gyms are closed I don't even have this to look forward to when I get my results. I feel like that will be negative. I panicked for the sake of his housemate. I felt guilty that I succumbed to my emotions and that someone I didn't even know existed until a few days prior could be affected by my actions. Communication has decreased as he said he would have very little availability and little headspace for me or this dynamic. He's being a decent human being and I'm feeling shitty because my brain is making this all about 'me'. I don't know if I should feel sorry for myself. I can't determine if how I look is because I'm sick or for crying so much. I don't have test results yet. Can I cry because I feel like shit and I feel like I keep getting shitty deals? I get I can't be in the happy sphere all of the time but I feel like those moments are few and far between. I am having a hard time sitting still, being still. What refuses to be still is my sex drive. My touchy feely side, my cuddle side my salacious about insatiable fuck side isn't sick, isn't sitting still, isn't wanting to take a break doesn't understand lockdown or titrating or lack of someone else's availability. I react now negatively to heterosexual porn my jealousy is off the charts of watching other women getting fucked, sucked, cream pie'd on, even kissing and now some thoughts are turning towards my body image...if only I looked like them then maybe I too would be getting fucked, sucked, cream pie'd on and kissed! Logically this isn't true but my body reacts. I loved cuckolds. I can't watch those anymore. Slightly jealous of gay cockworshiping now. I'm down to watching men jerk off. And really I don't need to see them. I just want to hear a man's voice cum as I cum. I'm very careful to not burn up my dopamine receptors and keep my visual porn to a few times a week or one binge a week. My binge is 6 orgasms in a short period of time watching porn. Even being sick doesn't really hold me back but maybe 2 days this week. I've exceeded my limit for the week. Luckily it's Friday. I may just put myself in the corner. until the flip. nose drip. sniff sniff. I found my book of poetry from 1994- 2000.
The final poem where I remember my soul breaking is here and reading this now I feel my heart back then and how hurt I was. Hurt and so lost. And all I can do now is weep for her, for me back then. I wish to send back in time a message to just hold on. Hold onto another day, look for another sunrise, share another smile. To not settle. Don't wait, instead create- be your reason, your sunrise and your smile. Don't listen to them. Don't hide. I'm yourself 20 years in the future. It's okay 'at this moment' but that road to 'here' didn't have to be this hard, this long, nor this bleak. You've got this... And without further ado my poem of heart break I didn't even have a title nor share with another soul until now...thank you for being here. Maybe post 'here' for my 28 year old self- if you really were... The tarnished halo The broken wings The angel you once adored aches for your sweet words she no longer hears anymore The spirit that was tickled is burdened with a heavy heart laughter of the soul music of the heavens I fear my shroud of indulgent darkness has torn me apart Cast out from the song of life my heart no longer sings the sorrowful angel on Earth unto yourself what destruction do you bring the light of hope to warm the frozen tear of faith Strike the chord of harmony For this overture, the angel must wait |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |