Naked and blindfolded in a room full of men twisting and turning her. Spinning not knowing where to go or where safety is and maybe there aren't many men maybe there's just one. Drowning myself in a looped performance of "Comedown" by Bush. Love and hate, get it wrong She cut me right back down to size Sleep the day, let it fade Who was there to take your place No one knows, never will Mostly me, but mostly you What do you say, do you do When it all comes down 'Cause I don't wanna come back Down from this cloud It's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah I understand these songs I listen to have their original meaning but I use them to interpret my feelings about current events in my life. Helps me capture my mood, and the lyrics often times provide insight through self introspection. The song is likely about drugs, a high, or addiction; see perfect for this spot on my timeline. Back to me spinning naked. I've been on this messy and beautiful journey finding myself and past few months a dom, a Dom. That section never really stopped growing and developing even though I decided to not display this. I was in need of being alone with the process. I didn't need others' eyes on my business quite yet. The image of me naked blindfolded in a room was a conversation I had with him, Dom A. He had at one point been a potential Dom. Don't skip over the subtle nuances I have presented before you either, you blink you'll miss the level of detail. That in of itself is it's own story. I sigh fresh with emotion as I write. Fighting tears. The loop. 'Cause I don't wanna come back Down from this cloud It's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah You see as of this moment I don't know where this is will be. Do I start this at the beginning, leave it here in the middle or unbeknownst to me is this the end? The spinning naked woman. I hopped out of the conversation after I typed this out to him and started my day with my routine of planks, stretching and meditating. I couldn't finish meditating when I saw his reply, "Maybe our dance isn't what you need." Hurts, he's right. I go to type out later: Oy. I knew I'd come to miss you after quarantine but not during it. I feel like I'm in a bad remake of Mulholland Drive but still left with the same beautiful painful scene of her singing Llorando.
Earlier I had asked why he wasn't enthusiastic about me being his sub awhile back when briefly it was established he was to be my Dom. He said he knew my needs were beyond him and time zones didn't help. He wanted to be a mentor or a teacher instead. However this wasn't communicated to me during that time instead, I was left feeling like I couldn't find my footing. I knew something was a miss. He did however, somewhat remain as a mentor. Only lines were blurred. Intensely blurred. I don't feel there was malicious intent but if this were to be a teacher/student relationship, on paper it doesn't look too favorably. I can't help now but feel slightly taken advantage of. Incredibly sad, how I grew close to someone. I look back at his advice and I some how missed it could've included him; inadvertently included himself. It was only today I made the connection when he gave me great advice that I go after men that are quite indifferent to me. Albeit either do to the quarantine or what, he was there, ready with advice, humor, weird coincidences or shared fantasies. I somewhat feel he may have had my best interest at heart. But still this hurts. Someone with whom I shared many intimate details of my life with, about as much as my best friend knows only shared with him in a shorter amount of time. Also where lines were crossed- I shared other details among those were fantasies and such. Being new, I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm gaining experience, learning more about myself and know to set boundaries. Seems to be my reoccurring theme this year, "boundaries". I just feel overwhelmed with a 20 year crush ending recently, my trial dom likely ending because I now recognize what I want and deserve, and now someone I looked up to was hopefully unintentionally crossing lines. I'm right now having a hard time pulling back from this objectively and gaining different perspective outside of myself. Looping "Llorando" is not helping but I have a love for details, so I want fill all the senses with sadness. Lets just rip the guts out and get it all over with so we can start fresh with a clean slate and try not to be jaded, scarred or marred by any of this. If my desire for growth wasn't so strong I more than likely would've thrown in the towel and decided this lifestyle wasn't for me; suck it up and take the life I have and just say my sexless marriage is still a marriage and let it be that way until I die. Either it's growth or it's the 53% masochist in me that keeps me going even when I feel I want to disappear inside myself curled up in a ball of sadness. So naked, blindfolded, spinning in a room full of men trying to find where safety is; no. I take responsibility for being so naive, for being so trusting and so open to a new experience. Maybe I should withdraw and chuck this whole thing as a great big experience; I dabbled. I joined a place thinking I'd protect my heart; I wanted an open experience, defined by parameters where I could be free to be myself and explore myself. Yet my heart hurts just as much for putting myself out there. I left my naked blindfolded self in an empty room and terrified myself. until the flip~ Luego de tu adiós sentí todo mi dolor.
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Last night's dream, not too much to analyze as a lot of it is self explanatory with items strewn in because of previous day's thoughts, sights, sounds or ideas being mulled over. Nonetheless I enjoy when my brain is giving me feedback or psyche is speaking with me creatively; a code to crack. Last night's was an array of colors, sights and sounds. I feel it's been awhile since I had a dream with so many colors. I remember seeing powder blues, muted yellows, dark greens, bright whites, and pinks.
It was a house party with lots of people I felt I knew, but no one in real life was present. The swimming pool was unkept; needed serious cleaning as the water was murky green with a lighter green thick layer of pond scum floating in random spots. I notice chatter from people in the background when I see a box on the ground over on the other side of the longest edge of the rectangle pool. In a flowing long summer dress, I walk over to the box and bend over to lift the hinged lid to find hand made books and notes. Books with child like drawings. In the dream I recognize these to be mine from my childhood. I pull two books out to flip through. One book showed images of a dolphin and a shark. The dolphin was lying back while the shark was performing oral sex. I chuckled at the image not surprised at anything. More impressed at the cute nuances understanding the dolphin was female and the shark was male. The second book I pulled from the box, looked to be maybe partially finished. The book was obviously sex related; because me. It was of a wolf. I mean a Wolf, and a nude woman being taken and copulated. The Wolf grabbed her and faced her to him so she would look into his eyes while he fucked her. The wolf in the story was complete; he was drawn and filled in with faded colors of black, brown, and gray. The woman wasn't finished. As she was drawn in pencil and looks like she started out as an Escher Girl, anatomically exaggerated. But as I turned the pages, she looked to be transforming into something more of a natural representation of herself. After flipping through the book slowly, examining the images and feelings that transpired, I was suddenly inside the house climbing stairs. I began playing with different musical instruments; the drums, guitar, keyboard and even a flute in different rooms of the house. A separate part of the dream I was having a conversation with someone letting them know I had to step away because I caught feelings. I realize this could be the case for someone in my real life and my ego was still processing the hurt trying to make sense of past events. Easier to accept if the other person caught feelings and had to step away rather than facing it was perhaps something within myself that turned the other person off. And can we just stop with the saying 'caught feelings'. It's not a disease or virus. Control the emotions, feelings are developed. And if unwanted or if there is a need to slow down at the time then let the other person know so they too can gauge their own head space and decide how to proceed. This is how we avoid catching anything or ghosting others. Now for the fun: analysis. The house is representing myself, and the party is a celebration of self! The musical rooms, well I play these instruments and the stair climb to the rooms means my subconscious thinks I'm making progress. The murky pool that I was at one point pushed into; water means emotions. I'm in need of exploring some emotions I have left unchecked. Someone gently forced me to examine; the push wasn't malicious it was gentle. The child like books, means exploring, a naive sense of curiosity. Books mean communication or learning. The dolphin and shark represent willingness to explore emotions and fierceness even the oral act is willingness and openness. That is all I will say about the books. I enjoy sharing a large part of myself here but there are some things I want to keep a mystery. You're going to have to get to know me and even more so be special enough privy to certain aspects of me. Until the flip~ live in color Another visit from my psyche; my deep inner self giving me another lesson. Last night, well early morning, I had another dream about She-She bear. My shame bear I found in a warehouse of my things in my dream, "Undone". I haven't been dreaming lately as it was so I was hoping for something funny to come my way, which is why I fall asleep to stand up comedy. It relaxes me and makes me think I can prevent nightmares or at least have a comedic dream.
The scene was set in a theater and the comic was Bert Kreisher. He has a new special "Hey Big Boy" on Netflix, it's hilarious so that's what I fell asleep to. In the dream I'm in the audience enjoying the performance. As with most dreams there are scene changes without explanation and suddenly, in my dream there is an intermission. Bert leaves the stage, for I don't know a wardrobe change I guess, and in his place is a very attractive man with shoulder length dark hair pulled back loosely in a pony tail. I'm suddenly transported to the second floor, in front of the ladies restroom. From the hall facing the bathroom there are no outside walls, however there are a couple of large columns that separate the hall from large bathroom area. There is a row of stalls on the left inside wall and on that same wall, closest to the hall, is a half wall mirror with 3 or 4 sinks underneath. I suddenly feel the urge to pee. Wanting to beat the crowd I quickly walk into the first stall. I open the door and upon turning around to lock the stall door, I notice the door is suddenly shorter by two-thirds. Actually, less than a third of the door is covering the top portion of the stall. I thought this doesn't make sense. The line forming in the bathroom in front of me will see me anyhow. What is the point of the partial door? I shrugged it off and thought I don't care, if someone is going to see me expose myself and if they continue to watch, well that's on them. I pull up my skirt, slide down my panties, squat and pee. When I get up after wiping to flush I see a second toilet in the same stall. Weird, are two people suppose to be in here? Or with reflection maybe it was a bidet. As I leave the stall I see my pink teddy bear. My childhood 'shame' bear, She-She. I hastily grabbed her and laid the bear down next to the sink to wash my hands. I see the handsome intermission actor leading a dance procession on the second floor. Regretfully, I don't remember the music playing. As he is walking by I am having delicious thoughts how enticing he is and I suddenly want him fervently to grind up against me, even more so with those people dancing behind him. My body is aching for him to come up behind me and press himself hard into me, up against my ass. I want to feel his excitement swelling, firmly pressing into my cunt. In front of these people. Right here in the bathroom. Right now. Just as I finish with this secret wish, my attention is back to the bear. I am looking at her in love. I pick her up and hug her with feelings of compassion and how much I have missed her. My next thought is of an overwhelming mothering urge to take her home and care for her. I need to nurture her. I wake. With eyes open, I try to think about the meaning of the dream. If shame was attached to this bear then why was I missing her? Does the reappearance of the bear indicate that I am currently feeling shame? Prior to falling asleep, I was thinking about my event with Skippy and was perhaps postulating that shame is attached to this occurrence. Because immediately right after the incident, I felt he pulled away; the sexting suddenly stopped and even his nonsexual messages to me waned. But, had he and I continued playing and talking I doubt I would have felt this shame. I've always had this relaxed level of comfort with him; but at the same time I'm so nervous around him feeling he's critical and judgmental. I become a juxtaposition of emotions around him. Salty and sweet. Naughty and nice. Regardless, back to the bear. Maybe I'm suppose to take that shame and love her? In the dream I did have thoughts of wanting to care for her and hug her. The bathroom symbolism, could indicate a need to relieve myself from emotional burdens. Me wanting the man to grind up against me shouldn't be shameful, it was a desire. As was the desire I had to enjoy myself with Skippy watching. As I was proof reading before posting, I sharply inhaled from surprise after reading this portion: "What is the point of the partial door? I shrugged it off and thought I don't care, if someone is going to see me expose myself and if they continue to watch, well that's on them." I now smile to myself. because I shouldn't feel any shame. He watched so that's on him. Not for me or anyone else to make me feel in a shameful way. If anything, I feel a regret not knowing there were unspoken boundaries in place. But then again how can I know these things without it being voiced or explained? So now, no shame, no regrets-Energy Helix was absolutely a wonderful experience. I enjoyed having this man, that has me experiencing so many contrasting feelings at once, watch me while I had an orgasm. I never had an experience of being watched without being touched; looked hungrily upon nor instructed to do things before. It was such an amazing magical experience, I might even do it again, maybe. Until the flip~ no shame stay beautiful I want the ground to open and instead swallow:
take my past take my mistakes take the wrongs I made take the roads I traveled take the ones I past over the light that shines on hope take that too No longer will life strip me naked with lessons of being bumped and bruised Filled with fun twisted journeys and the paths I chose to use. Fuzzy will be the memories as the flesh will heal But forever locked is the heart That time managed to steal. Take their pills replace joy with desire to sleepwalk become groggy Doesn't matter as there's nothing to see since life again becomes foggy. Creativity and passion too will soon be gone- Twice a day swallow oblivion. Nothing will be a miss In 6-8 weeks You likely will be free from the hold of his kiss. I used to play the piano, well self taught and not really good. I'm in a mood and drowning in music helps; my ocd needs to obsess and the concentration will help with my tics. Time I dust the keyboard off. Something I can do all hours of the night with headphones. Don't have to mess with drum pads or keep a guitar quiet. And when ever I can get enough money, I could get a cello and play again, there's a violin accompaniment. So here's to Day 1 learning to play Trauma by NF Trauma NF Say you're there when I feel helpless If that's true, why don't you help me? It's my fault, I know I'm selfish Stand alone, my soul is jealous It wants love, but I reject it Trade my joy for my protection Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly Traumas, they surround me I wish you'd just love me back Say you're here, but I don't feel it Give me peace, but then you steal it Watch them laugh at all my secrets Scream and yell, but I feel speechless Ask for help, you call it weakness Lied and promised me my freedom Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly Traumas, they surround me I wish you'd just love me back Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? Songwriters: Nate Feuerstein / Tommee Profitt Trauma lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group Feuerstein , Nate, and Tommee Profitt. “Trauma.” Spotify, 26 July 2019, open.spotify.com/track/0cHAXbQfTlBIJrzIOW8kUv.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |