Past few years I've been 'waking up'. My subconscious mind is growing louder, thankfully I have intuitively navigated myself to the people that will and have helped me further with my growth.
As of late, I have realized a need to connect emotionally to another in order for me to have sex. I haven't had sex in almost 10 years and miss being physically intimate with another. Unfortunately, what's been brought to the forefront of my awareness, my conscious mind, is that I am emotionally unavailable and have been for likely 20 years. This. Hurts my heart so much. I felt I was in a psychological thriller when I came to this conclusion. The ending of the movie made previous chopped sequences complete while simultaneously concluding, that I, the protagonist, was actually the killer! So, the conundrum, catch 22, in order for me to have desire with someone to have sex with them, I have a need for emotional connection with them. Yet I'm unavailable. Also, as I am becoming more self aware, walking in my conscious being with intent, the pool of others in this same state is growing smaller. I am finding my interest waning with many I currently know and interest in new connections lose hold fairly quickly as I am made painfully aware another individual is operating mostly from a subconscious loop. I am looking for another to help heal me with my emotionally unavailability. I crave more than shallow surfaced connections; my full bodied being is desiring sacred sex while the pool of conscious beings that I feel can help heal me is growing smaller. I'd like to take my shadow out and get her fucked with someone else's shadow while we both are aware of this dynamic occurring. In this moment, I am safe while on this journey of healing my meat suit and connecting to my conscious mind. please enjoy Peeping Tom's "Five Seconds" a great accompaniment to this post.
0 Comments
When I started this over a year ago coming undone diving into my sexuality, I woke from a dream with a song faintly reverberating in my mind, "Come Undone" by Duran Duran.
"Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin I've been waiting for you Signed with a home tattoo "Happy birthday to you" was created for you Ah, it'll take a little time Might take a little crime to come undone Now we'll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside Hey child, stay wilder than the wind and blow me in to cry Who do you need? Who do you love? When you come undone" I had a fabulous play with him last night. I asked myself why I wouldn't answer him truthfully when he asked me what I wanted more than anything at that moment. Why did I feel myself shut down when I was on top of him. He had his cock in my wet folds against my engorged clit. I rocked back and forth with his hands on my breasts and hip. My left hand pressed into his forearm for support, out in the open on a warm night under the shadow of a canopy of trees. A beautiful place, a beautiful sharing moment and I didn't come. I wanted to come. In fact when I slid down his legs and placed my wet eager mouth on him, tasting myself smeared all over his cock, I placed my fingers on my wet clit and couldn't help but give myself an orgasm. Why away from him? Why not answer truthfully when he asked me what I want more than anything in that moment, and why not have my orgasm on him, from him? Later, I drove off in the warm night, topless jeep...cried that the moon was so beautiful, the air was warm enough while wearing a braless see through top and bare legs in a mini skirt. A beautiful night. This morning a song played in my head while waking...please don't cringe but allow me to continue... "My Sacrifice" by Creed. I mistakenly thought at first it was for and about him, but it's my psyche speaking to me... When my soul I felt split apart from a devastating end to a fun passionate relationship I wrote this poem: "...Cast out from the song of life my heart no longer sings the sorrowful angel on Earth unto yourself what destruction do you bring the light of hope to warm the frozen tear of faith Strike the chord of harmony For this overture, the angel must wait" I know exactly why I didn't answer truthfully and why I didn't, why I couldn't share my orgasm on top of him in that beautiful scene. The year of that song was when I shut myself out. I decided I wouldn't be vulnerable again; hiding became automatic. I knew at that moment last night I was afraid of being vulnerable. I self actualized during the moment; what was a knee jerk reaction to hide, to be emotionally unavailable I recognized I have been hiding and emotionally unavailable. This is remarkable to me. I moved from a subconscious autopilot reaction of fear, to consciously recognizing I was afraid of being vulnerable. Means to me I am returning to myself. "Hello my friend we meet again It's been a while where should we begin?... We've seen our share of ups and downs Oh how quickly life can turn around In an instant It feels so good to reunite Within yourself and within your mind Let's find peace there" My sacrifice is to lose the fear of being vulnerable, to come fully to myself and to just be. "Cause when you are with me, I'm free I'm careless, I believe Above all the others we'll fly This brings tears to my eyes My sacrifice" Circling back to the initial song Coming Undone, "... stay wilder than the wind, stay blind to the hope and fear outside, who do I need and who do I love when I come undone" Who do I need? I need a vulnerable me. Been a while since I posted here. My space when I don't want to share on the kink site as I think less people visit here. I'm hurting a bit. I have been friends with an ex since '97. He was the best lover I had, we explored and he was open to my exploration. Good girl conditioning and attachment disorder messed our relationship up or we likely would've still continued with our sexual relationship.
We've lifted each other up when needed and I have been open and shared a lot of my writing, my kink site experiences, my people experiences, tinder experiences and my podcast. Even talked about having a 3some with him and her. When he and I were a couple this was our fantasy and even after we broke up I kept trying to get in with his girlfriends but they weren't into sharing with an ex. As good as friends as we have been, I'm hurting over our recent fallout. He's in 'the template', a loop of an unhappy relationship but together because of the kid. His child's mother doesn't seem happy either and I bet she's stuck in the good girl conditioning; I have told him I hold compassion for her. Even shared with him about a book, Raising A Secure Child to help break the attachment disorder after he reiterated a story about reacting to his child. He 'disappeared' for a bit. My calls and texts went unanswered. He had covid and I feared the worst of may be experiencing a fatal after effect. I kept calling and one recently he answered. Turned out she found all the text messages and shared pics and shared stories. When he was retelling the event he used words to describe me as "perverted" "perversion" in order to bring me down thinking somehow this would lift her bruised ego. Frog in my throat I wanted to cry. Hurt. Felt ashamed. I know this was a story, his story. And my story. My own attachment disorder has been lately hurting me. My anxiousness wanting and needing just one co-regulator but not feeling good enough for anyone. Someone I could turn to during these difficult moments. I recognized that I was already dealing with wounded feelings. I just messaged him back explaining I needed a break from us. It hurt me to hear him down talk me because she didn't deserve what? Honesty is what she needs. We've been friends for 28 years. I can't describe the hurt my heart feels to hear him use “perverted” to downplay me when I know how sexually unhappy he is. As sad as I often am feeling 'lonely', I'd much rather be here being 'perverted' than in a 'forced' monogamous relationship being sexually unhappy. I'm sure at some point our relationship will mend but now I just feel a little bit lonelier. I trusted the years of our relationship and all we had been through would have left judgement out. Now how can I not have a story run through my mind? He really thinks I'm a pervert? No wonder people continue to hide ‘perversions’ in the shadows. I refuse. I try to keep my monsters in check, it's when others' aren't even trying to self actualize and take ownership of their monsters that cause problems. |
cum hear me on my podcastCategories
All
Archives
May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |