Tonight I've been researching sub drop; technically could be just called 'drop'. I was searching in particular for anything written about dropping from online D/s play. Luckily there are plenty of articles or I would just be even more confused feeling like shit something was 'wrong' with me. He told me, I have a wave of needs which is why I like having different men in my life. This is true. I have a poly nature and enjoy many for different reasons; I don't want to limit nor be limited experiencing or loving. The few I do have, fill me differently. But I feel even for myself I've reached a limit, or that I have quality ones and don't feel a need to want any more and just explore more with them. I played with Dom A over the weekend. First time on the phone. Not the first time we spoke but first time we played on the phone. It was amazing.
Now because my people pleasing side will push her way to the forefront and without her voice will likely delay this post as to not 'hurt' others. So let me preface with her voice: I don't play a lot with a lot of men. There had to have been a multifaceted connection and we exchanged many messages. Cub, he and I spoke for sometime playing Fallout76 before we played once, an ex boyfriend a few times, and past crush just once. Now from the website- the first phone sex play was with Primal and I had already been on the website for two months. With Dom A we would text role play and I'd give a recorded audio. My trial dom I'm not sure I would include since we had a brief time with a few tasks and we didn't have phone sex. Clarifying phone sex-it's me having an orgasm while on the phone regardless if the other party had an orgasm. Although I'd hope it was enjoyed as much as I enjoyed myself. And finally is potential Cub Dom. So it's just those men a few times or just once. The memorable ones likely got their own section-memorable good, bad or indifferent; I write about those that left their mark. I think I appeased my pp side (people pleasing) giving attention where she felt needed to go. There are some on the fringe, that could be potential play partners or maybe future doms. I just am not certain because I am feeling complete right now, nonetheless I enjoy the message exchanges even without play. With that out of the way. Why am I here tonight? I was searching sub drop resources in particular for online play. Even with little play, I'm not even speaking of phone sex, initially when I started the online journey I would experience a drop in the feel good chemicals just from hot texting. I had figured because it's been so long since I've had sex it makes sense why I can get such an intense high from any kind of play. I determined, with more play the extreme highs and lows would dissipate. I'm pretty sure within the last few weeks I did experience a drop with Primal at one point, but dismissed it as being something else. In my head I envision my footing climbing a rock wall. If I know where the locations are to place my feet I won't feel apprehensive and insecure about moving forward. Maybe during the time with Primal I felt I didn't know where my feet were heading however with his help I felt more secure and in turn felt 'the drop' concluded. It's what I love about this process; I can discover my likes and dislikes, also what works and what doesn't work. Writing also helps me process; giving me a diary. Writing out my thoughts I can dissect my emotions pulling back from them. Rather than becoming the emotion I can see it as an experience. Good or bad, experiences don't last. Tonight, however I'm feeling some type of way. My blood sugar crashed earlier to the point I almost called for help. It was low, I was actually out on a walk/run and had started feeling confused. It's been so long since this happened I missed my symptom that would've prevented the incident. Insulin is a hormone. Drop in hormone levels is 'the drop'. My sub drop symptoms are usually insecurity, sadness, insomnia, feeling empty and 'this-is-a-sad-pathetic-life-and-this-is-it' feeling. I likely could've been pushed over tonight by today's earlier insulin drop. Even at this moment while writing and dissecting I am experiencing sadness maybe a good cry would help alleviate the crash. I will keep a running list somewhere on good aftercare steps and write about that in another post. Also helpful is I'm tracking my moods and sexual energy, I could include any possible drops, see if there is a correlation. There likely is, for future reference I can see where I am with my energy and know what days I would require more aftercare. I enjoy all my play experiences, if I didn't I wouldn't want for another play time. Dom A, I've been wanting for months to play with him. Time zones are a big deal. Maybe he felt I should finally be rewarded; good psychological mind play. But he never used it as a way to punish he doesn't he's a rewarding Dom; never really an ultimatum either. And he's not my dom, either. I had asked why we hadn't and eventually we planned. We played Saturday night, details may be at another time and post. After Saturday play, on Sunday we messaged off and on. I was also experiencing a spiritual high (maybe a sub drop symptom or subspace?); I was doing some introspection that day. I'm going to keep an eye on when I like to introspect. I suspect maybe instinctively, I know I'm dropping and introspection with or without writing is a means of pulling out of the emotions through examination. I was looking at dating and what it means. Earlier Sunday morning an ex called drunk- well proceeded, in the 3 or 4 hour conversation, to get drunk. I was sucked into trying to make him feel better and when I pulled out to take care of myself he got defensive. I ended the call told him I'm sorry he's feeling vulnerable but with a depressant in his system nothing I can say will help him feel better. Later Sunday I spent a few hours in an emotional discussion with my child's father. These two men essentially needing from me something I couldn't give. I was emotionally spent. Message exchanges from Dom A triggered me back up again to the point I made an audio for him of my own play. Tonight is Tuesday, within the possible 72 hours window of a drop. I had extreme emotional highs and lows and with today's insulin crash I more than likely am experiencing 'the drop'. The extreme highs I felt from the intensity I feel with Dom A, us finally playing on the phone, asmr also at play, to the extreme lows with two needy men, interspersed are messages from Primal who also can accelerate my intensity. When I figure out what works for me I will insert here as to help others and to my future self or curious potential partners. I no doubt require aftercare; I'm one of those that can accelerate very easily and intensely, 16% of women according to Emily Nagoski, "Come As You Are". Next time after phone sex I will try a ten minute talk and see if that alleviates anything. I notice, so far with every phone play I have had, we hang up within a minute or two after orgasm. I feel tired usually after or I feel I've taken too much of their time so best to just jump off the phone quickly to mitigate any awkward conversations. This is something I need to work on and suspect it's part of pp (people pleasing). However, Dom A stayed on the phone with me a bit longer. He started a conversation about my definite need for aftercare. How fortuitous he stayed on the phone with me to discuss my need for aftercare in real life. Which brings me to this nugget. My aftercare in real life is going to be required, I even need some for online/phone sex play. I have not been intimate physically with anyone in almost now 8.5 years. But what will play look like? Will it have to be small sessions? I imagine so as too much could be overwhelming to me. This is why I feel I'm picky for a good reason. This man is going to have someone on his hands (oy. my visuals.) that is already an intense emotionally sexually charged being and has been without sex for 8.5 years. I knew aftercare would be high on my priority list but now I'm giving thought about actual in person play. Primal had mentioned this to me but it didn't sink in. So who I physically connect with will need to know and not only provide aftercare but will have to check in with me quite frequently during play. Also I think about the person I play with; if they already can bring about a drop through online or phone play then playing in person will be more intense for me. Now with the release of covid lockdown on the horizon I need to get my aftercare research in order by finding what I need and what works for me. I read chocolate is always a good choice, great excuse to try that for next play! Until the flip~ check in, play, check in, play aftercare
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My psyche at work again- Sleep To Dream I got my feet on the ground And I don't go to sleep to dream You got your head in the clouds You're not at all what you seem This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways So don't forget what I told you Don't come around, I got my own hell to raise I feel this isn't directed towards anyone just for myself; to my negative self, my self filled with doubts; an internal conflict. My struggle that's been brewing likely since I realized I had been without touch for far too long. This also includes my own touch. I remember discussing with my therapist a time I cried just for putting lotion on my body after a shower; I had even refused to lotion up my body fully. For years somewhere inside me I felt my body didn't deserve touch from anyone else including myself. Lately, I've been allowing self judgement to try to seep in; trying to refill places where I had successfully removed negative thoughts. This past year I have been filling myself with an openness to find my curiosity again and explore. My writing has helped me process, and my exploration these past few months inside the BDSM world just exploring my sexual self has done more for me than a year's worth of cognitive behavioral therapy. I have met a couple of great guides through this process helping me navigate this world and have even helped me explore my inner self. One in particular is my sounding board to my curiosity. This journey isn't just about my body, to feed the physical need as I once thought; but I'm realizing it's really about reconnecting my body and my mind. The dissection I performed years ago was a way to live in my choices without a fight; my way of coming to terms of me giving up to settle. My mind has been waking up this past year when a young cub started to flirt with me; I remembered how good it felt to feel aroused. Memories of me loving sex came back. Then deeper still were memories how I loved dirty sex. All but one of my sexual partners were vanilla and I continuously settled. My reawakened curiosity to explore has me realizing further, it's not just conventional society's vanilla definition of dirty sex I want; but I want to try just about everything I can. I feel I've been locked away for years and I'm coming out now, free to seek. The voices of opposition in my head are telling me this isn't going to work. To just stay locked away it'll be easier and less messy. I tell you how I feel, but you don't care I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare You say love is a hell you cannot bear And I say gimme mine back and then go there, for all I care Makes sense now this song and why it was in my head upon waking. I'm trying to explain to myself in order to be whole I need to feel, I need to discover my truth, and the experience of every emotion is a beautiful thing it's part of what makes me feel alive. All of me should want this for myself. Carl Jung said, "Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one's being, but by integration of the contraries." I'm reconnecting mind with body and this is starting to feel amazing. I want to explore with all of my senses to make up for lost time; slowly savor and enjoy every moment sexual or not. Let this journey unfold. The tension within myself that has been built up no longer has to remain restrained, it is now able to expand and fall open the way petals on a flower splay apart; blooming. With this song in my mind and warm thoughts of those that have helped me and currently are helping me, I begin to ache. I want to be touched. A desire to be caressed begins to build. I reach out to touch my own body, I feel the softness of my breasts. Noticing and appreciating the difference between my pre baby breasts and after baby breasts; sexy squishy now. My nipples harden. Hands eager to explore my body while my mind is swimming in delicious thoughts; wanting to have an orgasm. With my left hand on my sexy tits, my right hand slides under the blanket gliding down to feel the dip of my waist. Next, my hips, my beautiful wide hips yearning for the pressure of his hands to bear down upon them using them to drive deeper inside me. Legs splayed, I'm so wet this morning. Fingers explore outside of my panties feeling the wetness; soaked. My internal muscles are throbbing. I press around my vulva dragging my fingers against the fabric feeling the slight bulge from my full outer lips. My vaginal muscles opening in anticipation having an urge to be penetrated. The thought of whether I want a slow tease of his cock entering me or a quick plunge deep diving into my wetness; makes me more wet. I'm close to cumming. I can feel my vulva becoming more sensitive; the brush of fabric falling concave and slight air changes on my pussy is increasing my sensitivity. Frantic finger circles with visions of his forearms at either side of my head pumping himself inside me, meeting my bucking hips; I cry out softly as I cum intensely. "This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways" I won't be stifled any longer now that I'm becoming fully present in my mind and my body. However, as I reach for further growth and exploration, I do hope to be encouraged by some deviant ways. Until the flip~ don't sleep to dream stay aroused Apple, F. “Sleep to Dream.” Spotify, 23 July 1996, open.spotify.com/track/51HiIbv8gO0HvwpmAxXAFe.
I read divination cards and stones because I often can't see the forest for the trees. This activity helps me step back from myself and therefore methodically pull situations apart for self analysis. If I can't improve upon myself why am I here? Today's card was about flexibility. Only it was in protection position meaning I was holding onto a rigid belief. I needed to meet someone or a situation half way; I was not being flexible. I quickly ran through possible people or situations that I needed to meet half way.
I know exactly who and what this is about. Someone I was metaphorically in a room with while I was naked and blindfolded being spun. He wasn't spinning anything, I was. The realization I was just his mentee and this would become nothing more of course had me experiencing sadness for feeling rejected. But I was more upset about the confusion I had from my emotions about playing. Knowing I'm the only mentee he's played with and not his sub, made me feel I was less than and I was not being honored. If I'm not honored then I'm not being respected. I have another potential or mentor with whom I just recently shared a picture of my face; I met him before mentor. He and I have never played. He's never once hinted at playing and still wants me to consider him to become my Dom as he thinks of me as his potential sub. I feel there is an unspoken level of mutual respect. He and others have said to not play first because it could likely never progress beyond that. We reach out to the other every few days or sometimes it's daily. He asks questions about my day or we discuss current events. He's even offered advice about trial dom when I had questions. Trial dom and I did play a little prior to deciding I would like a trial with him, but not to the extent the mentor and I played. After deciding the trial period, I was given tasks that were fun and unlike how we played. My decision to end the trial was because I realized I wanted more time than the random moments in a 40 hours work week. Also I felt the level of detail in my completed tasks went unnoticed and underappreciated. Even though he and I played a little prior to trial I don't feel that made a negative impact on the trial process. However, long before trial dom, I had already concluded how much I would share and play with the mentor. Being naive I also felt eventually he may become my Dom; perplexing yet because I was attracted to the play. Because he didn't have me as his sub I felt only subs and mentees, that aren't played with, get the respect. Not a mentee that plays with her mentor. So I began to fill myself with doubts and feelings of insignificance. Here is where I realized I had rigid beliefs and it was I that needed to meet myself in the middle. I already had my boundaries in place. I already knew how far I would take our play. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do. This isn't one sided. He's not taking advantage of me as I haven't exposed more than I wanted. I feel now I'm trying to convince myself. I for a few hours struggled to complete this writing. I was filled with thoughts of others seeing this as someone taking advantage of me. If someone else is seeing this then I should also see the same. Tonight, I just made a female friend on the site who also writes; she wrote a piece about feminism and submission. She helped me articulate what I had been feeling all along. I have all the control; myself and of my thoughts. He can suggest how to play but it's still I that decides whether or not I will play and how much I will play. My rigid belief was I somehow felt because I wasn't his actual sub I shouldn't be respected because we played. On the same token then I shouldn't have respect for a mentor that plays with their mentee. This is not the case at all. I respect him. I appreciate all his time he has given to me, questions he's answered, his advice, I enjoy our similar sense of humor and our play. My internal struggle was my psyche at work: id, super-ego, and ego. Id had the desire to play; libido was being fed and cared for. Yet, super-ego came in and said no, no, no this is all wrong you're not being honored, nor respected, there's an imbalance here. When I write or have an urge to write it's because ego wants to process internal conflict. Ego has made me realize I can please id while tone down super-ego. There isn't an imbalance. He and I had a prior discussion making sure both of us was comfortable with how things were. There was a mutual give and take. I'm not giving myself to him and receive nothing; I am being refilled. Wow. Been awhile since my own writing has made me want to cum. My brain is deliciously humming for working this process out, and for writing it out. I am giving and receiving and being filled. Now excuse me while I go fill myself. Until the flip- stay flexible give AND receive Naked and blindfolded in a room full of men twisting and turning her. Spinning not knowing where to go or where safety is and maybe there aren't many men maybe there's just one. Drowning myself in a looped performance of "Comedown" by Bush. Love and hate, get it wrong She cut me right back down to size Sleep the day, let it fade Who was there to take your place No one knows, never will Mostly me, but mostly you What do you say, do you do When it all comes down 'Cause I don't wanna come back Down from this cloud It's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah I understand these songs I listen to have their original meaning but I use them to interpret my feelings about current events in my life. Helps me capture my mood, and the lyrics often times provide insight through self introspection. The song is likely about drugs, a high, or addiction; see perfect for this spot on my timeline. Back to me spinning naked. I've been on this messy and beautiful journey finding myself and past few months a dom, a Dom. That section never really stopped growing and developing even though I decided to not display this. I was in need of being alone with the process. I didn't need others' eyes on my business quite yet. The image of me naked blindfolded in a room was a conversation I had with him, Dom A. He had at one point been a potential Dom. Don't skip over the subtle nuances I have presented before you either, you blink you'll miss the level of detail. That in of itself is it's own story. I sigh fresh with emotion as I write. Fighting tears. The loop. 'Cause I don't wanna come back Down from this cloud It's taken me all this time to find out what I need yeah You see as of this moment I don't know where this is will be. Do I start this at the beginning, leave it here in the middle or unbeknownst to me is this the end? The spinning naked woman. I hopped out of the conversation after I typed this out to him and started my day with my routine of planks, stretching and meditating. I couldn't finish meditating when I saw his reply, "Maybe our dance isn't what you need." Hurts, he's right. I go to type out later: Oy. I knew I'd come to miss you after quarantine but not during it. I feel like I'm in a bad remake of Mulholland Drive but still left with the same beautiful painful scene of her singing Llorando.
Earlier I had asked why he wasn't enthusiastic about me being his sub awhile back when briefly it was established he was to be my Dom. He said he knew my needs were beyond him and time zones didn't help. He wanted to be a mentor or a teacher instead. However this wasn't communicated to me during that time instead, I was left feeling like I couldn't find my footing. I knew something was a miss. He did however, somewhat remain as a mentor. Only lines were blurred. Intensely blurred. I don't feel there was malicious intent but if this were to be a teacher/student relationship, on paper it doesn't look too favorably. I can't help now but feel slightly taken advantage of. Incredibly sad, how I grew close to someone. I look back at his advice and I some how missed it could've included him; inadvertently included himself. It was only today I made the connection when he gave me great advice that I go after men that are quite indifferent to me. Albeit either do to the quarantine or what, he was there, ready with advice, humor, weird coincidences or shared fantasies. I somewhat feel he may have had my best interest at heart. But still this hurts. Someone with whom I shared many intimate details of my life with, about as much as my best friend knows only shared with him in a shorter amount of time. Also where lines were crossed- I shared other details among those were fantasies and such. Being new, I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm gaining experience, learning more about myself and know to set boundaries. Seems to be my reoccurring theme this year, "boundaries". I just feel overwhelmed with a 20 year crush ending recently, my trial dom likely ending because I now recognize what I want and deserve, and now someone I looked up to was hopefully unintentionally crossing lines. I'm right now having a hard time pulling back from this objectively and gaining different perspective outside of myself. Looping "Llorando" is not helping but I have a love for details, so I want fill all the senses with sadness. Lets just rip the guts out and get it all over with so we can start fresh with a clean slate and try not to be jaded, scarred or marred by any of this. If my desire for growth wasn't so strong I more than likely would've thrown in the towel and decided this lifestyle wasn't for me; suck it up and take the life I have and just say my sexless marriage is still a marriage and let it be that way until I die. Either it's growth or it's the 53% masochist in me that keeps me going even when I feel I want to disappear inside myself curled up in a ball of sadness. So naked, blindfolded, spinning in a room full of men trying to find where safety is; no. I take responsibility for being so naive, for being so trusting and so open to a new experience. Maybe I should withdraw and chuck this whole thing as a great big experience; I dabbled. I joined a place thinking I'd protect my heart; I wanted an open experience, defined by parameters where I could be free to be myself and explore myself. Yet my heart hurts just as much for putting myself out there. I left my naked blindfolded self in an empty room and terrified myself. until the flip~ Luego de tu adiós sentí todo mi dolor. I came out of a dream or I was still in a dream state when I had some delicious thoughts; a submissive and the relationship she has with her Dom. The focus could be most of the time about how the Dom knows so much about her, his sub. He understands her likes, her wants, her desires, how far he can push her and what may break her. He knows how to comfort her and can usually see when she needs to be comforted. He even knows her limits well enough he will use the safe word for her when she can't or doesn't. But this 'dream' I had, sheds light for me how she could know him just as well. In a scene she's the good submissive doing as she's told and behaving as expected. But she knows his kinks intimately and can see the exact moment when and how to change the play to benefit him, her Dom. But she does it in a way he doesn't even notice. His subconscious will automatically play his new role. When he realizes what she had done it feeds his primal side and he wants to consume her. The theme song from The Lost Boys movie "Cry Little Sister" was playing in my head upon waking along with these thoughts. The scene was in black and white, maybe even a little grainy. It was night or at the end of dusk in a wooded area with lots of dry brush. Branches and twigs every where. Rolling fog drifting through the trees acting like acoustic panels dampening the loud crunching of leaves from their footsteps. Play felt like a contented repetitive scene; switches leaving soft barely noticeable markings, general dirty talk and light leash leading. and just like that the good sub falls on bended knees And becomes the prey I got the impression he may have let his guard momentarily slip maybe because she dropped to her knees; hence the leash fell. Also felt her heart pounding in her throat at a rapid pace as she made the decision she was going to use this opportunity to run and hide. It was delicious. The power possession she performed. She dutifully behaved as the submissive but then turns it on him by stealing enough control to ignite his primal side when he recognizes a quiet takeover took place. She observed the split second he unconsciously relinquished his power, because of which made him more primal and more hungry for her. Filled him with an overwhelming need to punish her for taking it from him and the desire to consume her to be certain he has all of his power back. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |