The three of us need a break.
-reign it in slow your roll -nah let's fuck suck our way through this mess -better yet meditate don't medicate Respectfully, Ego- Id- Superego- The Dead Milk Men "Leggo my Ego" Thank you Meta for taking my lipping liking my tipping I do not like it I do not like it one bit I do not like being called out I do not like being called out to sit. Nonetheless I appreciate you~
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I had a rough time yesterday with my child’s father; having to get someone to realize he is manipulating himself is difficult. I hope he can stay with this thought and be more aware. I’ve also for days been wanting to play, but that hasn’t happened. I’ve been struggling with my place, it seems, in more than one relationship. I readily admit I use and crave and want sex when I’m stressed. With current events in politics I’ve been stressed. Fuck yes, I would like to fuck that away for a few hours, especially since it’s been years since I’ve fucked. Jesus it was before the previous administration’s second term the last time I had sex! My deceased brother’s birthday was over the weekend. Ah, yes please I would like a load of cum shot down my throat in honor of my gay brother who would’ve been proud of me for the way I worship cock! My recent blow up with my child’s father, yes I would like to trade a blow up for a blow job as it is much nicer to have dick in the mouth than to be mouthed by a dick! And my kidney stone surgery that is coming up; I’d prefer to be cumming stoned instead! But none of that. Instead wake up in the morning with Fleetwood Mac’s song “Go Your Own Way” in my head. Pulled chakra stones and I saw how my power was gone along with my heart. And the 3 cards I pulled all in a protection position meaning dishonest to self and/or being misled by others, others withholding acting on hidden agendas, ask for the truth even if it’s not what I want to hear and try to be calm. I’ve had thoughts since Saturday percolating. My stomach hurts so bad I have to get out of the house. I thought it was a bad salad but I knew it was my power, as my solar plexus and heart both felt painfully blocked. Beastie Boys “Paul Revere” on loop...I can spit it from the top of my lungs and it makes me happy; maybe someone will get to laugh with me while I rap to it! Hopped in my jeep and drove to the chapel. He did message me, I told him where I was going and why. I desperately needed to cry loudly. Seems fitting there at the chapel. I can whisper to my old ghost to tell her things about things that she’s thinking. I pull up and fitting, the lights are off...is anyone even home? Does someone even hear me when I pray? I sit inside. A deep breath and I immediately think about my brother and start crying about how much I miss him. I regret that I didn’t call him. I cry for having only the back of a pew to lean on while I sob as no one is around. Alone, I feel always. I cry out for help, for a message. I don’t even know what to ask for, just that I feel lost and don’t know much of anything anymore. He messages me asking what’s wrong. I tell him about my child’s father. And I made a statement about us but I think he missed it. He was focused on sending me a podcast link. I listened and cried; it was about fires and serotinous cones that only open and drop seeds when there is a fire. I cried harder as I can see in the midst of this uncomfortable uncertainty, my fire, maybe seeds are being dropped and planted. I’m okay to just be in this uncomfortable feeling. My ‘world’ and my being won’t end here; I don’t need to, this very second, figure ‘this’ out. I am okay to feel this discomfort while I sort my feelings out. Sobbing in the darkness of the chapel with car lights casting dancing shadows across the walls, I smile warmly as I see my ghost doing things without shame; I’m envious of the excitement and the newness of what she gets to experience. I look towards the door and start to visualize my future ghost, maybe she’s standing in the doorway watching me sob trying to let me know to just be, those seeds dropped, growth has already started; I've been heard. Critical self-care.
I turned off my phone 24 hours ago. No connection to apps. No connection to dopamine fillers from saved messages. No connection to pictures that also provided dopamine hits. And no connection to saved audio or video clips that gives me the same chemical high. My attention objects A much needed break from my stimulus my head heart and sexual parts wanting to possess obsess while I miss I become a mess I fucking can't tell you how many times I heard my notifications go off...then realized it's in my head because the damn phone is completely off. Not airplane mode. Not silent. Completely off. Hurtful words from my child's father too. His codependency is choking me. He sharpens his blade of words and stabs me. I have seen his dark side peer; peek and bolt back in hiding from fear. But growing bold and he no longer cares to keep this evil in check, coming for me to include me in his wreck. I surrender raise my hands for help from the Divine please give me a reprieve tell me how give me a sign... Been making my way back to my healthy habits. And the evening of turning my phone off I grabbed my bike. Dilemma, I use my phone to listen to music while I ride. New concept, instead of drowning self in noise to stimulate the self induced drama feeding masochistic ego in need of a high, let's 'just' fucking ride? Allow the moment, the real world moment and nature and Earth provide 'music'. Stop fucking controlling every minute. Stop controlling every fucking emotion. I rode. I rode and cried. I cried from thoughts and cried for noticing. Touching the beautiful thick soft semi moist bright green and dull brown moss that hugged and clung to a tree I always pass by on my ride. I have a thing for trees. And I'm going to follow this thing. Strong Tall Phallic rooted deep in the Earth reaching far above for the sky critters seek refuge a place to call home a harbor a den I hug when in need of a chakra to open One day I'd like to go exploring with my camera and paper and charcoal in hand for some pictures and bark rubbings. Quiet exploration. Touching. Feeling. Caressing and sensing. Realizing awakening to my presence here on this Earth. I share this space with magnificent beauty the sky and the dirt. Such a thing for trees I wanted to draw the trees I 'see' when I read science fiction books from the Nebula Awards list...maybe I will start that since I'm not too far down the list. I will always enjoy rereading Dune! I have an audio, on my tablet, once I had accidentally and wonderfully induced an astralgasm. I should write about my experience. This morning after reading some of Betty Dodson, "Sex For One: The Joy of Selfloving" it was her art and the story of how her and her lover opened their worlds through mutual masturbation experiences; I was aroused and felt a desire to love myself. I used the same audio that helped me the first time. No expectations just experiencing the self induced sensations in my body. I left my body the pains aside sliding to my middle my center my heart inside met with ripples and waves i danced with myself a smile to my soul i gave her a break a reprieve much earlier the sign that I need i went above and saw below in or out of physical or emotional pain i'm held firmly and securely in the safety of my inner Divine My astralgasm this morning, a fantasy did escape my mind before my orgasm climbed...me and another experiencing and achieving an astralgasm in the presence of each other. I cried as my mind floated back to my body wanting to stay 'up' there. Cried for the heaviness of being human and all that I've been made to feel. I needed this time this space from outside stimuli and just be with myself. I needed to curl up in a ball to cry. Sweat it out on bike rides. After every bike ride, I load my bike in the back and once in the driver seat, I lower the seat and lean back with legs splayed and give myself an orgasm- the bike seat presses so hard against me it makes my vulva swell. Once the blood returns it about gives me an orgasm. Without the phone without his pictures, messages, audios or videos, without porn even...I used the sensations of my body and in my mind a few pictures to give me orgasms. Delicious to just be still and follow my sensations. To be alone outside and inside. I will turn my phone back on and reconnect tomorrow about 45 hours later. I'm not worried if my attention object left. He'll understand. My close friends know I'm in and out a lot but I always return. First time though I forced myself to remove stimuli, the quiet made me cry I want to be still I want to just be, needed this quiet time to reflect and make it all about me. I was in crisis. Melting feeling rejected rejecting myself stimulus too much needed to sit inside myself beside myself needing to get in touch to not think to not react calm the loud chaos with multitude of minutes with quietness of solitude to shift my focus to reclaim my attention the world wasn't rejecting me divine was gifting me abstention Mr. Bungle Retrovertigo I thank your spirit for being here... Until the flip~ hang up that phone sit still be left alone Finding my center
Trying not to flounder Holding at arm's length Until I feel secure enough Allowing my outer layers to slowly melt Away like the chocolate coating of the chocolate candy You gently place in my mouth While I'm sucking on your cock Then it fully explodes in my mouth Giving way to a creamy filled center Pick a flavor! Dark https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvoTktdpIiI Light https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcF7R4RKBI Mitch Hedberg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt-xcfyVmLU How I explained my subspace, my out of body experience before I drop in my body~
Being out of body feels so good! Being human is hard. Having the meat suit is heavy. I feel so much and intensely feel. Being out of my body gives me a break. Coming out of body, feels natural like combustion. Like striking a match. The combustion is great because there is more energy, reactants and potential energies, generated than can escape. With his touch, I shake. With his voice, I quake. Energies building within me. Swirling Heating Igniting Once the reactants and energies and the products of kinetic energy becomes balanced then combustion stops- this is equilibrium; this is when I can then drop in my body and experience the moment. With his touch, I become calm. With his voice, I become tranquil. Sensations experienced and remembered. Aware Awake Responsive Ahhh and what does crashing into another's gravitational field like? Burn up on impact?! Fun for a second. But I am looking for something to last longer. Stick Boy and Match Girl Stick boy liked Match Girl He liked her a lot He liked her cute figure He thought she was hot. But could a flame ever burn for a match and a stick? It did quite literally he burned up quick. -Tim Burton |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |