“...spontaneity is a myth, committed sex is premeditated sex, it’s willful, it’s intentional, it’s focus and presence.” Esther Perel“
I would like another ‘crack’ at a long term relationship. In the last 6 years I have done a lot of work and a lot of growth; in relationships is where I learn best, reveal, heal and release old stories. I’m driven to find a certain type of partnership, open to finding who would help attain the partnership I desire. I’m very excited to write this down, it feels like I’m casting a spell! Sexual chemistry is a must, because sex motivates me. Sex is play and it is where I have been hurt and is a vulnerable place for me. Sex is a place we go, not this thing we try to do weekly. It's where we explore and share new parts of ourselves; exploring, experimenting and playing. Also necessary is compatibility. Here we genuinely want to know the other and learn of ourselves in this space. Presence, without it we’re just on autopilot not connecting learning another’s internal experience. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist specializing in human relationships, has a great ted talk about creating longevity in relationships. Through her work she discovered that there are 3 influences that draw partners to each other.
I’m a natural sub, guided by and leaning onto a self actualizing Dom type; not codependent rather interdependent. The relationship will be a 51/49; with myself as the 49, you will always have the deciding vote if you choose. This helps eliminate a lot of power struggles that usually take place in relationships. The undertone of the relationship is always D/s. As in bdsm there is a safe word to halt or slow a scene. I would like in this partnership an “escape word” to switch from vanilla life immediately into play. This does not necessarily mean intercourse or straight sexual play right away, although that’s not ruled out, it's connecting and remembering the reason we’ve come together; because of play and chemistry. What would an agreed core value(s) for the relationship look like? Enm- ethically non-monogamous, something I am open to exploring with the right emotionally intelligent, transparent partner with current and history disclosure. And open to exploring a monogam’ish dynamic Spirituality is important. Personal development and growth is a must; a conscious partner. This space is safe for mistakes and differences are allowed. Conflict is safe. What does a disagreement agreement look like to you? In agreement the relationship is slightly more important than ourselves individually. We are not becoming one, we are parallel recognizing we are greater together. We have friends of the opposite gender, inside and outside of the relationship. Time apart; short and long amounts. Genuine desire to know and see the other in their happy places, open heart. Keeping the play/sex a priority, learning new things about ourselves, each other and of the relationship. This partnership is physical and emotional connectedness. A place to lean on in difficult times, to share wins, individual and relationship growth, a safe space full of ebbing and flowing, to introspect, caring and most important play. It evolves as we both grow. "...love consists of this; two solitudes protect, border and greet each other." Rainer Maria Rilke This means when I meet you I come with stories but I greet you with a vulnerable honest space sharing these with you. I share to not hurt nor trigger. I am the safe space for your honesty and vulnerability; I don't scare easily nor run from difficulty. I remain myself. You remain you. Not blending nor losing ourselves, but actually experiencing each other with awareness to not project; individual solitudes. I’m looking for another spirit living in their weirdness, able to accept and appreciate mine just as I accept and appreciate his weirdness!
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The sun is shining and it is fucking beautiful.
There is a lovely gentle vibrational hum in my body oscillating from root to throat. A low hum, like the slow drag of a bow against the taut strings on a cello. I'm sinking into this feeling, something or someone is coming. Phone vibrates. I look down to see it is our app that we communicate through, it is him. I answer the phone with baited breath for the sound of his voice, also a delicious low hum that vibrates my core, more importantly my cunt. Slow deep inhalation through my nose, deliberately I answer curtailing my excitement, "Hello. Yes, Sir?" He doesn't often call and never, well, albeit years ago when we first met, does he call me during the morning hours. Butterflies form in my now warm belly. I can hear the slow calculated inhalation of his breath readying with full purpose to say something. His pause, means business. I tremble slightly. I can hear the subtle wetness click from the tongue leaving the roof of his mouth as he beings to speak, "Good morning. Be a good girl and meet me at our usual spot in 2 hours. Dress for an easy hike, Level 2 type. We're going to be in our bodies, enjoying the company while taking in the beautiful scenery." After a breathy pause, I can hear on him a grin forming, "or is it, taking in the company, while enjoying the beautiful scenery with our bodies." He lets out a breath. "Now." The app disconnects. That is my cue to start the timer, to not be late. My mind is a scrambled mess of excitement from sexual arousal, confusion and pure elation. Daytime. And a vanilla activity. Neither of which has this dynamic seen. I can feel my heart and my pussy pulsating. Reaching for my play bag carrying play essentials of lube, a cord, small whip, wipes, lip balm, condoms, anal plug, anal lube and vibrators, I also grab my pack. Years ago he said to have on hand gloves and knee pads, I had placed these items in a backpack with other essentials for an easy hike. Shaking, I change my clothes from my sweats into a sexy comfortable outfit comprising of black thong panties, that incidentally now are getting wet and the favorite powder pink demi bra that has my breasts spilling over eager for his touch. Completing the outfit: form fitting yoga pants, a deep v black shirt, and I top it with a tight zip up fleece jacket that further pushes my breasts together, accentuating a deep slit perfect for fingers or for cock to fit. Keys in hand and a last primp at the mirror. I take in my soft waist length long straight wine colored hair that is ready for his yanking. Suddenly an insatiable hunger to masturbate washes over me, a need to release some of this sexual tension. Instead, I decide I will sit on my vibrator, a slow pulsing while driving to our location; preparing myself to be delivered wet and swollen, edged, ready for him and his daytime hike. My test. I am learning a great deal in compassion for self and others as well as releasing judgement. I am reminding myself about others having stories. In particular my ex. I live on his property. He provides me now with conditional access to his shower and to sleep in his house if it is too cold outside. His messages lately to me I observe are very detailed oriented to stories of his. The more I don't deny nor confirm the more detailed he becomes about his stories. I see where his focus is, control or now lack thereof.
I was told if I have special circumstances, I am to not get ready in his house it makes him uncomfortable. If I am sleeping in his house, I am not to leave his house. This makes him uncomfortable when I go out at night. He reminds me this is his house, and he is putting up his boundaries. Even weeks ago, this conversation would have had me crash into a state depression or panic with anxiety. However, I see his stories, the details he puts into his thoughts and more importantly I see his need to have control over his feelings. The difficult feelings that make him uncomfortable he has to control, becomes prevention rather than processing. He thinks controlling people, me specifically by not going out at night, prevents these difficult feelings from happening. I am not his person to help him regulate his feelings. I tried this almost 10 years ago when I told him to go to therapy. He refused saying nothing was wrong with him. In his eyes because I want the divorce this is all my fault. I am releasing my old stories of trying to convince and remind him I wanted to leave no stone unturned helping our relationship years ago. I am releasing my stories that I need to show him what his thoughts are doing and how he is stuck in his thoughts. I am releasing my stories of panic because he is emotionally unstable. Releasing stories, I may lose myself or he in fact still has control over me. Instead, I am in a learning space to continue to remind myself to hold compassion for myself while I transition from my old stories. To remain aware and see others' stories and now to not judge their thoughts nor my own. Cultivate curiosity and observe. I am approaching my 10 years mark, no, I will rephrase, I am approaching 10 years, not 'my' mark but it has been 10 years since I had cock invited inside me, my divine sexual space. I see maybe I have been in a panic of wanting to get laid, needing pussy sex because I did not want to say I went 10 years without it. I feared it wouldn't happen again, that I wouldn't have sex as I was too much in my head with thoughts. Judgment. Fear. I too had lack of control fears. I invite myself to sit without judgement. Instead, be with compassion. You are safe. “I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us We’re far from the shallow now” These lyrics were in my mind while waking up...I want to tell him, I want to be a safe space for him, I do not want to miss what he, of himself, wants to reveal to me. This is for anyone I meet and greet. Two solitudes meeting and greeting the other; your authenticity is safe with me. I'm here but briefly. Soul mate card was revealed to me today. I haven’t seen this in a long while, which means I am evolving with the help of others and to pay attention to opportunities of growth. My mantra today…”Evolve with help of others, be present, surrender, crash through surfaces”. I refuse to remain small because of your fears, rise up to meet and greet me with all of you...a solitude, I crash through surfaces, let’s not miss a chance to learn from another through this shared experience. Thank you for being here. Minutes before I leave for work, I'm having a day. Just finished writing my mantra, "stand up, courage, compassion, observe, be with chores, honor self". I have been in a horrible funk for the past few days and one of those days was my worst. Last night I found the paper he left me with at our last play, I laughed and smiled reading, "The Heart of Worship Giver yourselves to God (he wrote 'cock' after God) Surrender your whole being to him..." made me laugh and realized this is the first time I have seen his handwriting. Ugh why am I missing him.
He's on a quick trip and this is where I come back to self and think I did it again. I got caught up in my distractions, my play person. Major stuff going on in my life, I'm losing myself and my balance again. I'm sensing this is a good time to just be and for a few days be with my chores, create a template for chores and lose myself in that loop. That's a good place to be with, a template of doing. I don't need to shut down or shut others out, instead just be with self purging and cleaning. Wow. The above mindless chatter forced to fill up something. More importantly I haven't masturbated in days. I feel like it drains me or this is a form of punishment, rejection or maybe I'm abandoning myself. So today mindless work, return home for some chores getting back into a mindful mindless cleaning routine and maybe later read something sexy or write up some of past highlights. noise. nonetheless thanks for being here~ |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |