I found my book of poetry from 1994- 2000.
The final poem where I remember my soul breaking is here and reading this now I feel my heart back then and how hurt I was. Hurt and so lost. And all I can do now is weep for her, for me back then. I wish to send back in time a message to just hold on. Hold onto another day, look for another sunrise, share another smile. To not settle. Don't wait, instead create- be your reason, your sunrise and your smile. Don't listen to them. Don't hide. I'm yourself 20 years in the future. It's okay 'at this moment' but that road to 'here' didn't have to be this hard, this long, nor this bleak. You've got this... And without further ado my poem of heart break I didn't even have a title nor share with another soul until now...thank you for being here. Maybe post 'here' for my 28 year old self- if you really were... The tarnished halo The broken wings The angel you once adored aches for your sweet words she no longer hears anymore The spirit that was tickled is burdened with a heavy heart laughter of the soul music of the heavens I fear my shroud of indulgent darkness has torn me apart Cast out from the song of life my heart no longer sings the sorrowful angel on Earth unto yourself what destruction do you bring the light of hope to warm the frozen tear of faith Strike the chord of harmony For this overture, the angel must wait
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Because monkey mind wants to run and have me chase after old ghosts... Pantera Love If ever words were spoken Painful and untrue I said I loved but I lied In my life All I wanted Was the keeping Of someone like you As it turns out Deeper within me Love was twisted and pointed at you Never ending pain, quickly ending life You keep this love, thing, child, toy You keep this love, fist, scar, break You keep this love I'd been the tempting one Stole her from herself This gift in pain Her pain was life And sometimes I feel so sorry I regret this the hurting of you But you make me so unhappy I'd take my life and leave love with you I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself You keep this love, thing, child, toy You keep this love, fist, scar, break You keep this love No more head trips Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Vincent Paul Abbott / Darrell Lance Abbott / Rex Brown / Philip Anselmo This Love lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Warner Chappell Music, Inc Maybe I'm dropping and like quicksand I'm finding and grasping and pulling and dragging drowning... I'm no longer attached to you...you momentarily returned and I finally saw you for you and felt sadness for your struggles. I'm having difficulty letting go of how that time broke me. Thought I found my home in your arms...my playful spirit meeting another playful spirit with hours of playing, exploring, touching, cuddling, caressing and talking. I left her there with you Left her there heart broken spirit battered soul bruised Finally in a place wanting her back her smile her laugh her silliness her trusting of others her ability to be open her desire to touch be touched share give and love I see her return struggles staying in place I'm sorry I left her behind hiding running unable to face shining light on my dark coming to terms I left myself is the hardest part now in this spot here I stand I don't want with fear I'm with growth now able to face the mirror I have no want to tip toe on egg shells nor seek treatment with the white glove I want raw deep and the dirty as I take back my life I can stay open to my love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTLqj4fo4gQ After I reconnected with an old flame, I talked to Mr. Pickle again. However my only thoughts were wishing I was talking to old flame. So, this clearly tells me I'm ready to end this sextion. I hadn't written about Mr. Pickle in awhile anyhow. What we had was good. Should stay and will remain there. Even if flame hadn't entered the picture I had decided it wouldn't work. Mr. Pickle hasn't changed, he says he's drug free but drinks and I'm not into that among other things.
The rekindle was nice but it burnt itself out. Maybe the fuel and ignition was there to begin with, but there isn't any oxygen to sustain itself. I don't have the desire to fan this flame. I don't have the breath in me to resurrect anything. He's my past and no ill will just hope he has the life he wants. My 28 year old self should smile knowing when she was drinking heavily because of a broken heart from him that he wasn't the one that got away. My soul has found peace from this release. His phone apparently died last night, well early Saturday morning. Hadn't heard from him Saturday figured life, his life interrupted. Threw him a text in the middle of dom researching to just make sure he was okay. Texted immediately he was okay but yes his life was acting up, he asked if I can talk tonight. Yes, I respond give me 30 minutes. Needed to do dishes.
Grab my laptop, speaker, phone, earbud mic and couple of beers head to the she shed. Excited to either talk to him or getting to write. Last night I sent him an excerpt of the first post of his section to read. Like a hot section. I can double check now but I will later before posting. I'm buzzing with energy to write I have, I am experiencing so many emotions or just a few emotions just very strongly right now and I just want and need to write. He read it and said it was really good and I should be actually writing. I said I'd give him more to read as I really don't want him here in this space reading stuff; as I want this to transpire organically. I don't want to write as if he's reading any of this. So we talked again tonight. I was worked up from researching D/s lifestyle. I had started to write as if Dv was going to dom me. But just on a whim I asked him, Mr. Pickle if he was interested. He's so agreeable. He said, "Yes of course. No idea how, but I will." And with that I started shaking. So many thoughts. Gawd he'd go along with any sexual request I had without fucking question. He'd get happy just knowing if it was something that would make me come he'd do it, he'd basically just ask what to wear; naked or not. I'm busy writing away and texting him that I was ready. He replies he's talking to his mom. I respond with no worries I was getting caught up in my writing and wanted to continue the flow. He calls. I can hardly speak, my smile is interfering with my ability to just say hello. Can't contain my smile. This dopamine feels good. We get lost in normal talk. He then works on a rubix cube. I tell him how in 2 moves repeatedly he can get it to work. He's talking and I've got System of a Down Toxicity album playing and I'm feeling good. Really good after two beers. Warm and fuzzy but worried because of the alcohol it may take me awhile to have an orgasm. Can't help myself. The sound of his voice. Just saying words. I'm getting heated. His laugh is sexual to me, but it's just his normal laugh. Sigh. I'm thinking it won't happen with him tonight. Maybe tonight I finish myself after we get off the phone? Chop Suey is playing, such good fucking fuck music. I remember he knew this was my favorite song and band and while on the road he brought this back as a gift to me. Memories again, that got me going. My hand slides down my pants. Only this time I don't want panty play. I take my fingers and lick them in case I'm not wet enough. No worries his voice took care of that and I slide my fingers down past my underwear waist band. I'm completely wet. Unassuming circles start. He's still talking about things, about stuff, it doesn't matter. I feel like he has to go soon so I do this now or have to without him. I really want to come with him on the phone. I want him to talk to me while I'm coming. He exclaims how late it is and he has to go but yet he says he doesn't want to. I've been getting close and tell him no please not yet I just need a few more minutes. He laughs, he knows. He starts talking dom stuff. He could tell me what to do. I'm listening to the music and his voice swirling together wishing he was here with me. Pulling my pants off. Sliding my panties down. Looking at me, eyes locked with intent to pull me to him and get inside of me. We spoke earlier that we each would come with medical paper work. Since I can't get pregnant he would not have to use condoms. The thought of him coming inside of me was bringing me to the brink. So close and I hear him struggling with something. I'm asking him what's going on and he's telling him he hadn't planned on coming but he's now getting there he needs to come. Hearing my heavy breathing and me sucking on my fingers has him now wanting to come with me. I thought I had too much to drink that the two beers would stop me but hearing him getting worked up made me wetter. And with that I started, my wave. Coming. I slowed my circles and pulled back some pressure to keep the orgasm going until he came. I just kept going. Climbing. Riding. Writhing. I can hear him building up as I held on to my wave. His breathing quickens and then he reached his peak. As a good sub would, I moaned if I could finish cuming, he said yes. (Dom work there and he didn't realize it) With that my stomach muscles started to relax and my shaking thighs started to slow down also starting to relax. Catching heavy breaths, he said he needed this. I laughed said me to every week. Feels good to have a weekly release. With someone else. Breaths caught, and conversation turned to about meeting up. What would work. I told him I wanted him all to myself all weekend. If we met in our hometown could he hide for the weekend or would be easier for him to fly where I live and stay with me for a weekend at a hotel. Spring break or summer and he's got an upcoming surgery. He wants to see me just as bad. Silence. No one wants to get off the phone. He breaks the quiet wanting to know if I can talk to him tomorrow. Yes I can. And with that we hung up. I'm lying on my stomach, my shirt is partly off, lights and heat is off in my studio/she shed and I'm lying here. The music reached it's end as we got off the phone. Complete silence. Just me partially nude and my thoughts. Exposed thoughts. I wanted to tell him I love him as we got off the phone; unsure if it was just from an old habit or because I did. I really have missed him so much. With that tears fall. My after coming cry that he can get from me starts. He would hold me. Twenty years later and he's still managed to make me have a good cry and he's not even here with me. Instead, we are hundreds of miles apart. until the flip~ don't fucking waiting 20 years to flip anything Okay. So I've been doing a little research about D/s. Dom and sub relationships. How to have one online. Rules. Rewards. Punishments. Tasks. Contracts. Everything, because Dv popped into my head when he sent me the thank you message. I did tell him, well I copied and pasted a line from his birthday post, about my leveling up sometime to play again with him. The research alone was hot, let alone envisioning him dom'ing me. Reading about tasks a dominant can give and coming up with my own ideas.
Planned on creating a special "Daddy" space for only him to read and maybe want to play with me. I don't know but it was some sexy research thinking of tasks that can be accomplished since this is all based online. The ideas for tasks were pouring out of me. Rewards not so much and punishments even less. But for instance a reward for me would be for him to just read me something from a sexy novel. Punishment would be me writing for him what it means to be a good sub. That still needs work. Last night however after I wrote the Dic Pic Piece, Mr. Pickle rang. I had just two beers and that was enough for me, I was full of giggles and jokes. Sadly, or maybe it was okay I guess, there was no session for me. We actually had a nice time talking deeply about life and how we met as teens, then in our late twenties and twenty years later reconnecting. He told me he remembers a specific time we were at my friend's house. I went into her mom's bedroom with his friend and he went into my friend's bedroom to be with her. Only nothing much happened with him because he wanted me and didn't want his friend to be with me. My friend did tell me her attempts at oral weren't that great, he confirmed why. I couldn't believe he remembered a time back when we were 17. I too had a crush but pushed it out because I was dating and had been dating his friend for sometime. But I told Mr. Pickle had he tried to get with me my boyfriend at the time would not have likely reached out 10 years later to go see Mr. Pickle play. Which in turn gave us a year of being together. I will never forget before me and my ex entered the club, he told me to not fall in love with Mr. Pickle or hook up with him. Mr. Pickle and I didn't hook up that night or even days later, but I made Mr. Pickle tell his friend what we were about to do. And oddly enough some girl after the show saw me talking to Mr. Pickle and when he stepped away from me she approached me and told me good luck with that one. However I had a question I had always wondered. I lived downtown on 10th next to a bar he would visit but also he had friends that lived a few doors down. After we broke up I was chasing after emotionally unavailable men, and at the time a married guy was playing with my head. Really worked me into running out of state to get away from him and from Mr. Pickle. I planned on moving to Georgia to go to the art school in Savannah. Before my planned move Mr. Pickle showed up one night at my apartment out of the blue. He knew I was moving as we were still writing to each other. He seemed out of it drunk or high or on something. My heart skipped a beat seeing him though. He stood outside my building on the porch telling me he was doing just okay. He had a new girlfriend but she was young and does drugs. However with that he said, that I would like her. Annoyed as fuck because he really hurt me and here he is on my porch talking about not only his new life, his new girlfriend but that I would really, really, like her. So mad. I couldn't look at him and just hurried the conversation along so he would leave. Clearly there to brag? So last night I had an opportunity to clear this up. I asked him. Always wondered why he did that. What was he expecting me to do or say? He remembers the incident. He told me he was down at the bar. He missed me and wanted to see if I was home to say hi. He told me he was testing the waters, he wanted me back. Back in his life but was too afraid and unsure how I would react. So he brought his current girlfriend up, who he wasn't serious with and would've dropped her had I asked. My eyes welled up. I started to cry, "Why didn't you just tell me you wanted me back. You missed me. You wanted us back?" He said he was afraid. After which he said then his life spiraled out of control and ended up in rehab. My heart hurt a little, or maybe a whole lot because my mind started with what ifs. Fantasy took over. I feel like there was a missed opportunity for us. It hurts because at that moment I saw him at my door I thought he was there because he wanted me back and he was willing to work for me to come back. Not only that but I would've taken him back. My heart has missed him all these years. I am in a current situation but I think I can work it out to an amicable place. I would tell my child it's not important to have children, it's not important to get married but it's important to build a tribe of good friends. I still believe this. But when my child comes to me with questions about love or logic, follow heart or head, I thought I'd be of the head camp. However, I'm going to now say go with love. Passion drives us to grow, makes life enjoyable even when life hits a rough patch; passion can help. Logic is safe. If you're feeling safe you likely won't grow as a person. Get out of that comfort zone. Fear is good, it's a fire to get you moving. And passion is worth the flames. Until the flip keep a fire lit~ |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |