“I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us We’re far from the shallow now” These lyrics were in my mind while waking up...I want to tell him, I want to be a safe space for him, I do not want to miss what he, of himself, wants to reveal to me. This is for anyone I meet and greet. Two solitudes meeting and greeting the other; your authenticity is safe with me. I'm here but briefly. Soul mate card was revealed to me today. I haven’t seen this in a long while, which means I am evolving with the help of others and to pay attention to opportunities of growth. My mantra today…”Evolve with help of others, be present, surrender, crash through surfaces”. I refuse to remain small because of your fears, rise up to meet and greet me with all of you...a solitude, I crash through surfaces, let’s not miss a chance to learn from another through this shared experience. Thank you for being here.
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Minutes before I leave for work, I'm having a day. Just finished writing my mantra, "stand up, courage, compassion, observe, be with chores, honor self". I have been in a horrible funk for the past few days and one of those days was my worst. Last night I found the paper he left me with at our last play, I laughed and smiled reading, "The Heart of Worship Giver yourselves to God (he wrote 'cock' after God) Surrender your whole being to him..." made me laugh and realized this is the first time I have seen his handwriting. Ugh why am I missing him.
He's on a quick trip and this is where I come back to self and think I did it again. I got caught up in my distractions, my play person. Major stuff going on in my life, I'm losing myself and my balance again. I'm sensing this is a good time to just be and for a few days be with my chores, create a template for chores and lose myself in that loop. That's a good place to be with, a template of doing. I don't need to shut down or shut others out, instead just be with self purging and cleaning. Wow. The above mindless chatter forced to fill up something. More importantly I haven't masturbated in days. I feel like it drains me or this is a form of punishment, rejection or maybe I'm abandoning myself. So today mindless work, return home for some chores getting back into a mindful mindless cleaning routine and maybe later read something sexy or write up some of past highlights. noise. nonetheless thanks for being here~ Paired looping to "Hysteria" by Muse 90 day boyfriend?
Can I make a thing, a kink, from a momentary craving of wanting certainty of having a person? I miss having a person. I thought I had a person, turns out it was just a projection. Something to help my craving is a sample, a 90 day sample. A 90 day only boyfriend. Our first date is also when we will establish our “conclusion cuddle”, our final date. If you knew there is only to be 90 days could you, would you be able to relax into vulnerability sharing your authentic self? These 90 days we can fall into our gravitational pull or slowly draw it out. Would we be much kinder to each other knowing our final days as a “couple”? Because we already established the end date neither of us will be surprised or have the rug pulled out. No traumatic event takes place either real or perceived; we already decided together our final day as a couple. We will agree in advance how our time together is spent cultivating the temporary dynamic. I propose the following:
I sometimes miss having “my person”, that one I can call when I have a shit day, or call when I have an absolutely awesome day. My person that is a friend I fuck and cuddle. Less of my energy is spent getting my needs filled from others when I can get most of my intimacy cups filled from one person. Why just 90 days and not just get an actual boyfriend? I think having it time stamped helps me with areas of intimacy that I feel are a bit uncomfortable. This way I just dive in. Also it seems new relationship energy fizzles out around the 3 or 4 month mark when realness and masks are removed. So why not just start with realness and without use of masks? For 90 days could you just bare yourself, would it be easier knowing there is an end date or what if you wouldn’t see that person ever again? Isn’t this the same as a regular relationship only difference is the end date is decided on together and maybe masks are removed from the start Food for thought...my anthropological mind is super curious and contemplating. My response to a reply to a commenter that it would be difficult for an ending- Yes! It would be difficult to have an attraction to another and they suggest this idea; but if I have an ad my intention is not a surprise. If I answered an ad for a 90 day girlfriend I would be so curious and go openly! And that's beautiful too, when we have our final "date" what if we suggest we renegotiate another 90 days?! I think having an end date is freeing, wondering, "okay how is this relationship going to fail?" Because oftentimes relationships do not end peacefully likely due to failed expectations, poor communication and or masks coming off. I'm tired too when I meet someone I like, immediately, my thoughts due to an anxious attachment style, already have me thinking about the ending. Wondering when and how it will end, I think subconsciously and consciously I will start to filter the negative to confirm I'm on-track to it ending. If I already know of the date it will 'end' then I feel, theoretically, I can just relax into the 90 days and instead focus on the connection. Also with attachment insecurities, for example, a person with an anxious style is getting somewhat of a more secure attachment with a 'certainty' of 90 days. And someone that is of an avoidant nature knows in 90 days it'll be over. Of course these are very black and white examples. The conditioning from religion and society really has it fixed in my brain still, I should want to find a person and happily ever after. When really, it is okay and healthy to quit and end relationships. I have stayed in far too many relationships with a for better or worse mentality. It is a thought, life is what we make it and being an anthropologist at heart and for the love of watching myself grow, I think this would be a fun, fantastic and possibly an emotional experience! I just might be crazy enough to try it. I will definitely share. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |