I messaged my friend last night after he commented on a tree pic I sent him. I had a memory about a movie I saw as a kid. It was of a man that wanted to become a tree. I remember distinctly his happy face when one day he felt he was taking root. I would often dig my feet into the ground, bury my feet also wanting to take root. The movie is Mr. Sycamore and I plan on watching it soon. My love for trees. Makes me smile. I have written a post about it. Today my guides showed me all is well. I'm experiencing SAD and I think the winter holidays are ass backwards, I loathe consumerism because it brings the worst traits out of humans. I have to work the day after thanksgiving day. I'm thankful every fucking day I don't need a white washed holiday to have me thankful, another reason I'm feeling discomfort. Crown and Brow both blocked- feelings of depression, lack of visions Very grounded- root chakra very open Throat chakra also open- My card Flexible: The book's example was based on a tree to stay flexible. Reminds me of a saying I have that makes me think of trees- "I bend so I don't break." Card for my dynamic: Tick-Tock in protection mode. I have fears that it's too late for me. And my guides are telling me I am in capable hands with guides in the invisible spaces making sure I am receiving all kinds of good things during my journey; I don't have to fear that I have run out of time. My prescription: Write down all the good things in my life, set intentions, connect with my higher self and meditate. Hold back a few words. I'm going to get a good night's sleep. Meditate for work. Maybe use a little dopamine induced fantasy to give me the motivation I need to get through tomorrow. Connect with at least one person tomorrow. Find one thing an hour to make me smile- this will be my goal for tomorrow!
Until the flip- stay grounded and bend to not break
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Went to the gym at 4am, been awake since 1 am. This is the time I normally come home after play and this morning I'm awake and in need of physical exertion. Prior to deciding to get dressed, I spent an hour in a masturbating emotional purge session. A very long climb as I had only slight arousal, no porn nothing visual but I looped Korn's The Darkness Is Revealing, at 2:53 a great part I wanted the end of my orgasm wave to hit and roll into- his slow screaming then at 3:21 he starts yelling "GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT GET THE FUCK OUT" here is where my aftershocks from my orgasm pulsate rapidly perfectly in sync- a terrific song to purge to. Without saying too much, yesterday was difficult. Already stressed with the election, recently my head and heart at odds with my intuitive voice. My intuitive voice had won and even more recent my heart I felt was now siding with my intuitive voice. However yesterday late afternoon, someone shared with me some of their thoughts and ideas. A complete gut punch to my solar plexus, powerless and feeling a high probability I will be abandoned. I tried to respond with some thoughts of my own in response but could not; only left a few words about me withdrawing for a few days. I immediately shut down. My intuitive voice shrank away, my head I feared had been wanting to yell, "I told you so", thankfully only whispered some unintelligible words. My heart is the only one left standing, not knowing what to do, where to go or which of me to listen to. "Everything I had to hide is all on my sleeve. And behind the curtain lies my soul, I'm bleeding." All I could and can do now is withdraw. Take cover. Protect and coax my intuitive voice back out. I feel tonight I might be going to the gym again maybe twice a day every other day will help with my need to be used physically. Turn off all electronics, well except to write as this helps me greatly. But I don't even want the election results to determine anything that goes on in my life; I need to be the one that gets to decide how I want something to play out, continue, or discontinue. Inside me; not outside of me where I have no control. I have control over me, my thoughts, my decisions and my reaction. I need this, I need to have this ability to decide what "I" want. Feel me, heal me All that's in me Give it all back I can't have this Feeling, failing All that's creating So I read myself this morning as I do every morning. No pics because I turned my phone off. In between bouts of sobbing I managed to pull chakra rocks and a card. I was also pulling cards to read about my dynamic but I don't want to do that today, today it's just me. Stones: my throat and root chakras are blocked- indecision not speaking up and low self esteem not feeling grounded My heart is showing open with a male. My card in protection position is "Time To Go"- ...small self has doubts but soul has the map of my destiny, Spirit loves me and to trust this. This isn't the end of the line as all is not lost, destiny is in charge here. So cocoon until I have the strength to deal with the world's current events and the strength to deal with my personal life. I'm hurting badly. But hopeful my higher self knows what's best for me, just waiting for her return. Heart is holding out and holding on she's desperately making sure 'this' doesn't change me..... And the sun goes down Taking my heart What is this I'm feeling? Is it a new beginning? Am I purging past regrets Facing the hurt I'm dealing? How does one start healing? The darkness is revealing The bittersweet reality That this is the help I'm needing I suppose I shall start a readings section! I read chakras through rocks/crystals. I tell my clients "Let's get stoned!" Today I'm called to sit and be still. I had a very difficult time after waking this morning. My monkey mind running desperately and frantically chasing away ghosts of the past and future monsters that do not exist. See? Where is 'present'? I couldn't meditate it was so noisy in my head. I did my best then yoga head stand to help those thoughts fall out. Then I read myself.
I read on my current situation:
Until the flip~ monkey sit |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |