I've wanted the ones that don't want me.
It's because of rpe/dopamine (reward prediction error). These men that appear to not want me, give me crumbs- hits of dopamine. They feed me with minimal rewards. They become my slot machine I plant my ass in front of, pulling the lever excited at my little wins and hopeful for a jackpot. Some machines I stay connected to for far too long. I'm a dopamine addict. Makes sense how I was hooked to a 20 year crush and the most we did was kiss. So, I could theoretically then just find one that does want me as much as I want him and teach him how to pull back the dopamine by creating reward errors within my predicting. Or play many machines...maybe just move to the tables and put it all on black. "("Fuckin' kiss me")... A weather-beaten angel descending to embrace the cemetery Got love—so mystifying "God damn, swept away... Planet pretty kill Motherfucker hang me on the thrills Psychoholic slag... No small heaven, baby, I got the left hand of the keeper"
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*A lot of this was a dream I had this morning and at the end is dictation as I will often record right away thoughts or memories of dreams. Please would love to hear interpretations!
I felt the warm sunlight stream through your skylight as I started to stir awake. With my breath being the only sound, I realized you were gone. I’m left alone. Your scent permeates your bedding. I roll to your side of the bed in hopes of gathering more of you, all over me. My naked body pressing into the impression left by your body, I wished you were here with me. Me pressing against your naked body. Last night was our first night for us sleeping together, but not first for our fucking. Magickal night, I smile slyly with flashes of memories of our bodies intertwined dripping in sweat. I slipped my panties on and found your t-shirt; ahhh the smell of you. I make my way down the hall of your apartment to the bathroom when I hear your key slip into the lock. You left me while you went to work. Maybe this is a warm up to an actual time when you will leash me and leave me to your bed for the day. I poke my head around the corner from the bathroom as you enter your place. I smile to myself watching you in your habitat, unsure of your routine, I stay back and observe. You lay down your mail and papers on your bed and I continue to watch you as you change into shorts and a t-shirt. Licking my lips as I saw your cock briefly and now I’m filled with lustful memories of last night; I need you back in my mouth. You sit on the bed when I make my way from the hall and walk towards the long edge of your bed. I’m unsure if I should sit or ask first when you look up at me and smile. I’m genuinely just overjoyed to see your smile. “Do you want company?” I ask nervously. You pause before answering. “From you? Always of course.” I’m excited. Happy and giddy, I want to be with you and as I walk closer to the bed you stop me with a hand up. “Not like that. I want you to go around and crawl. In fact start down the hall. Crawl to the foot of the bed, over the chest and then up to me.” A sly smile spreads across my lips, and I can feel wetness forming in between my thighs, “Yes?” “Yes.” I can see your erection growing through your shorts as I turn and pad gently down the hall in my tshirt and now wet panties. I gradually turn to face you, biting my lower lip and with my eyes locked onto yours intently, I slowly lower myself down to the hardwood floor. My knees will not like this, however my pussy is throbbing before I’m fully on the ground. With my right arm outstretched, I place my hand a few inches ahead of me and my right knee follows sliding forward. Eyes still locked onto yours, I lick my lips and smile; this makes me wet crawling to you, for you. So if you think this would humiliate me or is some kind of punishment, it is not. With a cat-like grace quietly ready to stalk and pounce, I slide my left hand forward and jut my right hip out. My back drops and my ass is up; I can’t wait to get this body to you. I made my way to the chest at the foot of the bed, climbed up then onto the bed. Your smile says I’m a very good girl; nice to see your smile. Your eyes are so very warm and gentle. With your arms outstretched I climb onto your lap and drape my thighs onto your thighs pressing my wet cunt up against your hard cock... *here is the dictation... “I crawled slowly. And I crawled to you. It's nice to see your smile. And his brown eyes (are) very warm. And he takes me in his arms and he hugs me. I was thinking, hmmm I like this so much I almost wished I was monogamous and what it would be like to just drown in this feeling exclusively.” no role playing
just me the woman the flaws the sadness the vulnerability and fears come to you her partner counterpart the man held in suspension your flaws sadness vulnerability and fears affording strength creating space a place for me to feel safe while I'm feeling nude broken misused unsure lost abused allow me a moment to draw in gather inhale strength return to me to find myself so I may turn to face the world again and return to you whole renewed gift my softness so unto you through my worship you may heal I'm not looking for
the man behind the mask. I'm looking for the beast that you bridle. This is who I want to experience. My fear is the depths of my depravity That you'll have me discover and to love. Learn Me Guide Me
Virginal and whore, calculator and victim: I'm a perfectly imperfect tangled mass of paradoxes looking to be untangled, guided, molded and tied. Pensive and reflective, always wanting to learn and improve myself physically, psychologically, spiritually, and mentally. My interests are music, arts, history, sciences, literature craving to continue my growth intellectually. As a sensualist I enjoy ASMR, for example [Fred's Voice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbqY7w0meLg) is one of my favorite artists. \-cerebral, detail oriented, creative writer, and an active imagination I'm full of potential and of great depth. **Seeking a cerebral Dom-** I need a committed gentleman Dom who is intelligent, interested in academic subjects, music or the arts, interested in playing, training, guiding, and praising. Would prefer same time zone PST, as I need accessibility with a desire to meet in person eventually. If you have an ASMR voice that could give me tingles this can certainly be used for me or against me. I'm not quick for pic exchange-this is cerebral first-you won't be disappointed. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |