I'm leaving in a couple days to go back home for a visit. Bitter sweet as this trip really was to connect with a crush I had for 20 years. It's been a couple of months since he finally said he didn't want to be a side piece and didn't want to wait 2 years (I suppose he's thinking about the process of a divorce). He didn't want to wait 2 years. I've had a crush on him for 20 years. But he didn't want to wait 2. We kissed once and it was enough to hold my attention for 20 years. His voice. His laugh. The day dreams, night sex dreams and fantasies from the past 20 years I had to say good bye. It's going to be difficult returning to my hometown and not having that want to reach out to him for a last time what if. It's going to be hard going home visiting places and not think about him. For 20 years we'd connect and lose the connection, I've learned to lose him over and over again during these 20 years. I'm having a difficult time as this is the final time to lose him- I know he's gone, it's gone and likely never really was. I can't have him back in my life. Hard to go back home to not whisper his name. "But nothing is better sometimes Once we've both said our goodbyes Let's just let it go Let me let you go Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own"
When The Party's Over- Billie Eilish Don't you know I'm no good for you I've learned to lose you, can't afford to Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin' But nothin' ever stops you leavin' Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that Don't you know too much already I'll only hurt you if you let me Call me friend but keep me closer (Call me back) And I'll call you when the party's over Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that Yeah I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that But nothing is better sometimes Once we've both said our goodbyes Let's just let it go Let me let you go Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that Finneas Baird O'Connell
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He said he doesn't want to be a side piece; my marriage is over and I'm not feeling any guilt why would anyone else carry what would be my burden?
I won't put anyone above me, yes so be at my side- a side piece. Be within my vicinity or you're left behind. He's perceived I'm too kinky for him. 20 years- my then pathetic weak ass held out hope for one. With such clarity no longer wasting my time on one person. No longer limiting: love affection attraction friendship inspiration on one person. Many Multiples Love all. It's okay if that one person doesn't feel back that's just one person one feeling Don't hope Demonstrate Don't wait Act Non concurrence Move on A month ago I likely would've handled this finality crumbling. It did fucking hurt but this isn't going to break me. I bend. So I won't break. How's that for kinky. Until the flip~ multiples Another visit from my psyche; my deep inner self giving me another lesson. Last night, well early morning, I had another dream about She-She bear. My shame bear I found in a warehouse of my things in my dream, "Undone". I haven't been dreaming lately as it was so I was hoping for something funny to come my way, which is why I fall asleep to stand up comedy. It relaxes me and makes me think I can prevent nightmares or at least have a comedic dream.
The scene was set in a theater and the comic was Bert Kreisher. He has a new special "Hey Big Boy" on Netflix, it's hilarious so that's what I fell asleep to. In the dream I'm in the audience enjoying the performance. As with most dreams there are scene changes without explanation and suddenly, in my dream there is an intermission. Bert leaves the stage, for I don't know a wardrobe change I guess, and in his place is a very attractive man with shoulder length dark hair pulled back loosely in a pony tail. I'm suddenly transported to the second floor, in front of the ladies restroom. From the hall facing the bathroom there are no outside walls, however there are a couple of large columns that separate the hall from large bathroom area. There is a row of stalls on the left inside wall and on that same wall, closest to the hall, is a half wall mirror with 3 or 4 sinks underneath. I suddenly feel the urge to pee. Wanting to beat the crowd I quickly walk into the first stall. I open the door and upon turning around to lock the stall door, I notice the door is suddenly shorter by two-thirds. Actually, less than a third of the door is covering the top portion of the stall. I thought this doesn't make sense. The line forming in the bathroom in front of me will see me anyhow. What is the point of the partial door? I shrugged it off and thought I don't care, if someone is going to see me expose myself and if they continue to watch, well that's on them. I pull up my skirt, slide down my panties, squat and pee. When I get up after wiping to flush I see a second toilet in the same stall. Weird, are two people suppose to be in here? Or with reflection maybe it was a bidet. As I leave the stall I see my pink teddy bear. My childhood 'shame' bear, She-She. I hastily grabbed her and laid the bear down next to the sink to wash my hands. I see the handsome intermission actor leading a dance procession on the second floor. Regretfully, I don't remember the music playing. As he is walking by I am having delicious thoughts how enticing he is and I suddenly want him fervently to grind up against me, even more so with those people dancing behind him. My body is aching for him to come up behind me and press himself hard into me, up against my ass. I want to feel his excitement swelling, firmly pressing into my cunt. In front of these people. Right here in the bathroom. Right now. Just as I finish with this secret wish, my attention is back to the bear. I am looking at her in love. I pick her up and hug her with feelings of compassion and how much I have missed her. My next thought is of an overwhelming mothering urge to take her home and care for her. I need to nurture her. I wake. With eyes open, I try to think about the meaning of the dream. If shame was attached to this bear then why was I missing her? Does the reappearance of the bear indicate that I am currently feeling shame? Prior to falling asleep, I was thinking about my event with Skippy and was perhaps postulating that shame is attached to this occurrence. Because immediately right after the incident, I felt he pulled away; the sexting suddenly stopped and even his nonsexual messages to me waned. But, had he and I continued playing and talking I doubt I would have felt this shame. I've always had this relaxed level of comfort with him; but at the same time I'm so nervous around him feeling he's critical and judgmental. I become a juxtaposition of emotions around him. Salty and sweet. Naughty and nice. Regardless, back to the bear. Maybe I'm suppose to take that shame and love her? In the dream I did have thoughts of wanting to care for her and hug her. The bathroom symbolism, could indicate a need to relieve myself from emotional burdens. Me wanting the man to grind up against me shouldn't be shameful, it was a desire. As was the desire I had to enjoy myself with Skippy watching. As I was proof reading before posting, I sharply inhaled from surprise after reading this portion: "What is the point of the partial door? I shrugged it off and thought I don't care, if someone is going to see me expose myself and if they continue to watch, well that's on them." I now smile to myself. because I shouldn't feel any shame. He watched so that's on him. Not for me or anyone else to make me feel in a shameful way. If anything, I feel a regret not knowing there were unspoken boundaries in place. But then again how can I know these things without it being voiced or explained? So now, no shame, no regrets-Energy Helix was absolutely a wonderful experience. I enjoyed having this man, that has me experiencing so many contrasting feelings at once, watch me while I had an orgasm. I never had an experience of being watched without being touched; looked hungrily upon nor instructed to do things before. It was such an amazing magical experience, I might even do it again, maybe. Until the flip~ no shame stay beautiful I want the ground to open and instead swallow:
take my past take my mistakes take the wrongs I made take the roads I traveled take the ones I past over the light that shines on hope take that too No longer will life strip me naked with lessons of being bumped and bruised Filled with fun twisted journeys and the paths I chose to use. Fuzzy will be the memories as the flesh will heal But forever locked is the heart That time managed to steal. Take their pills replace joy with desire to sleepwalk become groggy Doesn't matter as there's nothing to see since life again becomes foggy. Creativity and passion too will soon be gone- Twice a day swallow oblivion. Nothing will be a miss In 6-8 weeks You likely will be free from the hold of his kiss. I used to play the piano, well self taught and not really good. I'm in a mood and drowning in music helps; my ocd needs to obsess and the concentration will help with my tics. Time I dust the keyboard off. Something I can do all hours of the night with headphones. Don't have to mess with drum pads or keep a guitar quiet. And when ever I can get enough money, I could get a cello and play again, there's a violin accompaniment. So here's to Day 1 learning to play Trauma by NF Trauma NF Say you're there when I feel helpless If that's true, why don't you help me? It's my fault, I know I'm selfish Stand alone, my soul is jealous It wants love, but I reject it Trade my joy for my protection Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly Traumas, they surround me I wish you'd just love me back Say you're here, but I don't feel it Give me peace, but then you steal it Watch them laugh at all my secrets Scream and yell, but I feel speechless Ask for help, you call it weakness Lied and promised me my freedom Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly Traumas, they surround me I wish you'd just love me back Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? Songwriters: Nate Feuerstein / Tommee Profitt Trauma lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group Feuerstein , Nate, and Tommee Profitt. “Trauma.” Spotify, 26 July 2019, open.spotify.com/track/0cHAXbQfTlBIJrzIOW8kUv.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |