A Change Is Gonna Come- Otis Redding….
Back to how I started writing, with music! This song makes my heart smile, I can cry, I just love it so much how it makes me feel happy. Also sad as I wish I could sing...well fuck it! I can sing so what if my cat’s ears flatten back along his head and my dog looked at me like I may need help! A change is gonna come...I can feel something brewing. My shedding. I’m standing nose to nose with my old beliefs and thoughts. Likely why I can’t get rid of this kidney stone or that more keep appearing. My stubbornness to hold onto my beliefs because of fear and the discomfort that goes along with doing something new; only a wet baby likes change. I have had an intuitive feeling he would be valuable to my growth. Sitting here now though, those were just superficial feelings, I sense that there is something more difficult to work through. Last year, I had started to research how to be my cub’s Domme because I knew I needed a D/s dynamic to compartmentalize my emotions and sexual energy. I was too much for myself. Gone at that time was my desire for a traditional romantic relationship. I want to explore connections and let them be just that or flow into something more expansive. Also gone was the cub. I have been on fet for almost a year and I still want the compartmentalization. With current Dom however, him not being the typical Dom, he doesn’t have a Dom rulebook he works from. This was part of my attraction towards him, however I need more structure sometimes. We’ve recently had a hiccup within our relationship. My mental and physical health has not been so great due to more kidney stones and with that comes lots of ruminating and emotional instability. I prefer structure, planning and organization; this is not something I really have with my Dom. What is there, however, is a defined space. A safe space to make mistakes, play and negotiate if need be. He was clear about this basically from the first day I decided to follow him. Playground parameters. Recently I was ready to walk away from the dynamic as was he. Clearly we could do without the other. I heard anger in his voice and I lowered my energy. I gently reminded him about our space and ability to negotiate. What I appreciate about this dynamic is this is not a traditional romantic relationship. I placed myself more into a submissive role connecting with my desire to work trying to find a solution with her Dom. After the 2 hour phone call, the dynamic remained intact with a reminder to each other this adventure we are on is explorative but also make sure paths we decide to venture down are working for both of us and no one is losing their footing. I struggle with good girl conditioning, feeling like I should be wanting more from him and also shaming myself for being just okay with sucking his dick weekly. Unintentionally he feeds into these beliefs just being himself and I don’t want him to monitor himself; I have to work on releasing these old beliefs. These were someone else’s thoughts and ideas. Thoughts that I’m being taken advantage of, being used, paying dues for another’s sins, not being seen, easily discarded, worthless, and forgettable. I could give examples for each but all that really shows is I can prove any narrative I want. So, I am nose to nose with releasing these old negative narratives which are I should be wanting him as a boyfriend or something is wrong with me that he doesn’t want ‘more’ of me and shameful thoughts and feelings for liking the compartmentalization of being a submissive and dick sucker. I am free and capable of replacing these with new ideas and beliefs of observing and enjoying the space. It’s good to be the tool, his tool. I am a really good tool to have around. I know I have helped him. He wrote how I helped him with healing space. He is fun, I enjoy his spirit and energy when we play and he has helped me with growth; we both benefit from this dynamic. I can wholly appreciate being his hole, his weiner cleaner! Fitting to end with….. “On Your Knees” W.A.S.P.
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Detachment. I swallow hard on a thought trying to not let my tears well up. I am reading "personal non-attachment is not needing anyone for acceptance or validation". A thought of him enters. It's just him though. There have been and are others I'm 'attracted' to yet they can come and go, drift in and out, on and off my path, and my 'being' is okay. Maybe they bring in 'love' and leave love with me? Or maybe I should just stop trying to be seen by someone that doesn't want to see me or maybe doesn't want to want to see me?
Was I ever of value to him, did I matter, do I mean anything other than a once a week meeting in the cover of darkness? Initially he would tell me things like he appreciates me and that he likes me, or were these just words for the beginning it maybe wasn't 'me' he was referring to, just the new relationship energy he appreciates and likes. I'm scared of that feeling that if I'm quiet and still he will forget and this will be gone. Clearly anxious attachment. How do I move past this? I loathe this. The sun is out and beautiful today and my head hurts; I'm surprised my heart is open. Yes my heart is open to a male...this makes me smile. However my solar plexus is blocked; power is gone. Makes sense because of these thoughts about being attached to a person, just writing this sentence is a heavy sentence. I'm watching all these thoughts these 'what ifs' and 'should haves'. If I had just picked a person that played a Dom by the book, someone that worshiped me, or just someone to just fuck and go; these don't feel right. I really don't do things the easy way so why would my sexual rediscovering be different. Would all this be less 'painful' if I was less attracted to him or felt less of a connection with him? It's really fucking hard to feel that gravitational pull and not want to crash, and does he feel a pull? I don't know what he feels. And possible to drift too far away there is no longer the feel of the pull? I sometimes question myself if our play is a good idea because I get so high. I don't know. I know nothing but feel and think too much. I can give myself compassion and be gentle to self while I move through this thought for the next few days. I woke up not feeling so great physically and then my mind followed. Filters I have on today hurt me. I meditated, been a couple of weeks since, and full of thoughts I couldn't sit still. I want to cry but have no will. For today I do not want to give, I do not want to extend myself to anything nor anyone. Today I am still. I will receive the gifts Spirit wants for me to have. I will sit back and let those that love and care for me to gift to me their love and care.
I overextend myself and gift invisible labor that is hurting me, I often over share in hopes of getting people to follow suit. My good girl conditioning has me presenting myself like a show pony to those that I want to take notice. The ones that do notice, I'm too busy chasing ghosts. Or they are used to feed my ego from hurt of others. I feel guilt for using another and shame and sadness for myself for having this need to be seen. Ahhh the filter today is not a good one. I don't know how to change this one as it feels very strong. My heart and root chakra both blocked. Okay then, today my voice is quiet and my actions will be stillness. My music choice has been Book M by Secret Chiefs 3- no repeating words just sounds for my ears to receive, I am receiving this gift. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |