At this time I was happy in a semi functional relationship. Our chemistry was great, we were friends and had known each other since 16. We would come home for a few weeks then return on tour for another few weeks. Great sex for lost time. We were cute together. He made me laugh and I made him cry from laughter. A few months from now from the time this album was released...on Halloween the girl I knew would break. And all this time wasted. I'm so sad and heartbroken I took that 'moment' and let it destroy me. A moment. All I had to do was sit in the hurt and gather my tribe and support to help me. Here I am now sad about this wasted time. Others having such a vibrant colorful life learning and exploring and here I was just trying to fit in with fucking grey shit. Interesting these thoughts as I pull my stones and card for a chakra reading....
I don't need to worry about my age when that's all really just how many times the Earth went around the sun while I have breath in me. My higher self is telling me now is the time and nothing is lost. I'm where I need to be at the time I need to be. This is great! I hope to 'feel' this message?! Prescription for self: Hug a tree! Sit under the tree and forgive self... Save me The heavens have opened The storm is over So let's start the parade Raindrops Will turn to laughter Forever after In your technicolor heartbeat And they say That it helps you forget everything Sweet charity Mr. Bungle- Sweet Charity Songwriters: Michael Allen Patton Sweet Charity lyrics © BMG Rights Management Patton, Michael Allen. “Sweet Charity.” Spotify, 2 July 1999, open.spotify.com/track/7GPkaA7ZYLKOsZylGPoxDQ?si=nz5T7NZBTBCLXQB0j7XApw.
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Soft blue gray light
cold floor empty room A dark night She’s on her knees restless Head won’t stay down A smile fades from her panicked lips Master enters her eyes avoid his The quiet storm Crossing over he walks with purpose Towards the circle where she sits Folded in his gentle hand is a bull whip… New for her New for them The whip slowly threading from his hands She’s antsy and wants to rise Her hands forward flat on the floor Readying herself to a lift She smiles as he circles deliberately behind her He knows her every thought He knows her every need She wants to protest instead bites her lip For he is not a sadist This is not him She knows he will not use the whip She moves to rise CRACK She feels the breeze whip by The tail strikes the air next to her ear Back down she sits Unsure Needing to move Or Aching to quit She tests She moves CRACK She feels the vibration the sound the whip created On bended knees she still sits Quiet Silent Noticing her beating heart Now mindful of her breath A slow inhale drawing in an energetic hug An exhale letting go untwisting All knots from her hallucinations That act like a drug Nothing sexual empty Nothing crosses her mind tranquil She smiles understands This was Master’s intent Forced serenity Not repent Eyes draw close as a tear falls free For old stories And past races No running Towards a win Patience Finding a peace here Within Eyes blink open Empty is the room This master for he did not exist A smile crosses her calm lips She realizes it was she That made herself sit I have never experienced impact play other than vanilla boyfriends 'spankings'. Luckily, my Meta has introduced me to impact play. And not once did our impact play trigger self harm. The impact play either threw me quickly into subspace and brought me back to body just as quickly or if I'm already emotionally high it brings me back. But there is always a sexual component for me here in the play initiated by him.
However, today I was triggered; so many emotional things happening at once and I felt like my emotions were going to cause me to snap. Suddenly I had thoughts about my past self harming coping behavior that I hadn't done in almost 30 years. But even then instead of wanting to self harm I craved intensely impact play; starving for it, my body hungry to hurt. I felt if I had impact play it would've given me permission to set free the emotional pain I had been feeling through the physical pain someone else was 'gifting' to me. Guilt free for me if someone else is doing it to me. Freedom. Like with a manual transmission and under shifting: I felt my emotions compiling, and my brain unable to process quickly enough instead it accidentally under shifted causing me to redline...rev up! I felt a few good whippings would have been very much like punching the clutch in allowing my emotions to disengage long enough the brain could come back online with logical thoughts and take back control. I'd love to experiment with this theory! But also recognize I would need to be careful and not use this as a coping method for dealing with intense emotions; a few times would be okay. Sadly, no sadistic spankings...instead I tried for a runner's high. A girl can dream. Made up for the makeups
stillness lying on back Head up high in subspace bring me down back Hand up towards my breasts reaching back smacking slapping spanking Me back in my body feeling connected feeling orgasmic Breasts both dappled with your markings green yellow blue Days of drop just look down your presence there in the dappled hues Monthly Challenge "Dappled" Because monkey mind wants to run and have me chase after old ghosts... Pantera Love If ever words were spoken Painful and untrue I said I loved but I lied In my life All I wanted Was the keeping Of someone like you As it turns out Deeper within me Love was twisted and pointed at you Never ending pain, quickly ending life You keep this love, thing, child, toy You keep this love, fist, scar, break You keep this love I'd been the tempting one Stole her from herself This gift in pain Her pain was life And sometimes I feel so sorry I regret this the hurting of you But you make me so unhappy I'd take my life and leave love with you I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself You keep this love, thing, child, toy You keep this love, fist, scar, break You keep this love No more head trips Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Vincent Paul Abbott / Darrell Lance Abbott / Rex Brown / Philip Anselmo This Love lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Warner Chappell Music, Inc Maybe I'm dropping and like quicksand I'm finding and grasping and pulling and dragging drowning... I'm no longer attached to you...you momentarily returned and I finally saw you for you and felt sadness for your struggles. I'm having difficulty letting go of how that time broke me. Thought I found my home in your arms...my playful spirit meeting another playful spirit with hours of playing, exploring, touching, cuddling, caressing and talking. I left her there with you Left her there heart broken spirit battered soul bruised Finally in a place wanting her back her smile her laugh her silliness her trusting of others her ability to be open her desire to touch be touched share give and love I see her return struggles staying in place I'm sorry I left her behind hiding running unable to face shining light on my dark coming to terms I left myself is the hardest part now in this spot here I stand I don't want with fear I'm with growth now able to face the mirror I have no want to tip toe on egg shells nor seek treatment with the white glove I want raw deep and the dirty as I take back my life I can stay open to my love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTLqj4fo4gQ |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |