Been on sensory overload recently. Monday evening I had a cry gaze session with a stranger. He was kind enough to give a stranger space to sit and cry. A few days after a salt tank float transcendental experience and the same night right after I had impact play with the play partner; he even gave me an intense orgasm. And because I felt our dynamic was on the outskirts, our play felt like explosive make up sex without sex and with impact play. Finally, the night after was my first cuddle event. I was excited and looked forward to cuddles and the oxytocin benefit which would help my sub drop from the previous night’s play with the play partner.
However, the morning after the cuddle event, I immediately noticed I felt overstimulated. I craved vanilla sex, without an orgasm with someone I loved. Eye gazing penetration. A safe space, a partner, where he gifts me the space to receive me, and I am his safe space to penetrate and to just be; be still. I will meet his orgasm, his release, his seed and energy spilling inside me with quiet acceptance. After which an embrace, compassionate cuddles, of appreciation for gifting and holding space for the other. Then I wish to bask in this, just be. Do chores near the other person; working in our own meditative motion while our auras are close to each other. I do not have this partner and could easily toil on sadness attaching self to this want. Shifting, I am wishing to rake sand. To get lost in the lines; the sounds, notice the feeling of the grains being brushed against the tines, causing slight vibrations up through the wooden handles to my hands. Integrate this raking sand desire from a calming fantasy to carry out in reality; meditate through chores. I can be present in my body while working. With every step I take, I will notice earth under my feet supporting me. With every repetitive movement, I can complete like the raking of sand. I may not have that person I love doing chores while their aura is caressing mine, but I can have my aura vibrate and undulate with a calming frequency like my body floating in the salt tank. I had no needs, there was nothing I wanted. I was perfect in nothingness. *I wrote all this, this morning and now editing. So fucking lovely and peaceful like. I can call bullshit on self right? Of course. Fuck these masks. I tried hard to talk self into wanting the peaceful raking of the sand, meditate through chores today! Bullshit story. Cause what I told my co-worker what I really wanted was to have a partner and have some quiet vanilla sex then do chores near each other all day; I got misty eyed. Too bad it wasn’t from raking some Zen sand into my eye. Wanting a deep intimate connection experiencing vanilla shit with another…"help me outta this..." ”devil kept poking the parole so I shipped her ass to Mozambique ‘cause I was over it…”
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I kneel on the floor
naked body broken mind leaning for support against your closed door I hear you behind it moving around whispering things while I sit bated breath me for you waiting I won't admit continue to delude project need to protect I on bruised knees I continue to submit too scared to knock you won't answer too afraid to use my voice I might anger the solid door my only support a connection to you my only anchor it's holding me up keeps me close at a distance continue to delude project it's you not me met with resistance triggers my trauma known of this toy what brings great pleasure a heightened joy behind this closed door just a decoy I hear you behind saying things to allude project door kept shut to protect too scared to knock louder you won't answer too afraid to try the handle you might anger I protect project I'm safe behind your door but in danger a closed door solid the wall in between kept at a distance me blind easy for you I'm unseen I hear you behind it moving around whispering things while I sit bated breath me for you waiting I won't admit continue to delude project need to protect avoiding and knowing I'm mistaken a solid closed door and nothing can be taken a glance a chance a supporting door upon I lean just wait longer waiting in hope proving submissiveness the right of the slash common romantic trope cold door hard floor no longer hear you on the other side my bated breath never were you there my prison my own punishment alone to hide I project no longer there I can't protect no longer here Stupid girl to think where I kneel with anyone's help I would heal. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |