As part of my morning routine after waking I will meditate for at least 5 minutes, this is before I use the bathroom or leave my bedroom. On this particular day I was super stressed and could think of nothing else but just to sit. I meditated in the shower for 30 minutes. Then later sat on the floor in my room and mediated for another 30 minutes. Started to feel better after some profound revelations with tears that followed.
Later, stress crept up and found I could use 20 minutes of another meditation session but this time blindfolded. Lying on my bed with a looped song of Tibetan bowls fed through my earbuds, I settled. A few minutes into the singing bowls I could start to feel a vibration in my sacral and solar plexus chakras. The circular humming and the striking of the bowl had me in a deep state. I had a desire of wanting my own singing bowl above my stomach on my solar plexus chakra area; I wanted to feel the vibrations on me. While deep in my sacred meditative space, thoughts of him entered. I smiled. Fucking delicious. His image appears and whispers, "How may I assist?" All I can think of is, yes I am stressed and I am willing to receive; you may assist. I could use the bowl as a tool for him. Guide him. Now with him kneeling in between my legs the image of my clothing vanishes. My legs, now bare, are bent at the knees with feet flat on the bed. I can feel his hot breath at my exposed pussy. I'm getting wet. The cold hard metal bowl is a nice contrast to my soft warm skin. With the bowl on me, I slowly drag the mallet near the rim of the bowl clockwise. He looks up at me and smiles. As I circle the bowl with the mallet making it sing, he takes his fingers and presses gently onto my pussy. With every rotation the mallet makes around the singing bowl, he circles my vulva with his fingers. A soft moan escapes me as the bowl continues to sing. As he's smearing my wetness all around my pussy and encircling my clit, I'm having a hard time holding the mallet firmly against the bowl. He's picked up on the cues, when I speed up the mallet his fingers pick up the pace. So if, when I circle the mallet faster and he quickens his circling fingers, what will happen when I strike the mallet against the bowl? As the bowl is still singing I draw the mallet up and hit it lightly against the side of the bowl. The gong vibrates. Without hesitation he stops his circles gently plunging one finger inside me. I quiver and smile at his understanding. Bringing the mallet back to the edge of the bowl I circle slowly. His now wet finger slides out of me and back with his other fingers to the rest of my aching pussy. Slowly matching my pace; a dance. He's actually becoming an extension of the bowl. When I glide the mallet quickly, his fingers glide quickly around my pussy. When I slow down, he slows his pace, caressing his fingers in between my wet folds. Without warning I strike the bowl. I mew from my throat as two of his fingers this time plunge deeply inside me. I see what he's doing. I return, making the bowl sing. As he returns matching my pace, circling every slippery part of my pussy. Sliding all over me, his fingers work me in circles. I can't help but strike the bowl again. This time three fingers dive into my warm, wet, tight cunt. My vaginal muscles squeeze his fingers, wanting to pull him in deeply. I gong again; with his fingers already inside me, he sinks deeper. I moan as I don't want him to leave my tight canal. His fingers gradually slide out of me dragging my wetness with him. I hesitantly start making the bowl sing again. He stops suddenly, pulling back his hands placing them under my round ass. He replaces his fingers with his eager tongue. Encircling my clit matching my rotation and plunging inside me every time I strike the bowl. I'm having a hard time concentrating on the bowl making it sing, when I'm wanting to sing myself. The more he's gripping, pinching and pulling on my ass I know he wants to plunge his hard dick inside my soaked pussy. I stop circling the mallet on the bowl. While the vibrating tones fade, I place the mallet inside the bowl. I see his head come up to look. Taking a cue from the bowl he scoots back and comes up on his knees. Pulling himself close to my exposed glistening pussy, he smiles at me then his eyes dart back at the quiet bowl. I take his lead. I pick the mallet up and strike the side this time first. Just as the sound of the gong is made he, pops the tip of his throbbing cock inside me. I lose my breath and squeeze around him. I drag the mallet now around the bowl. He pulls out; slowly smears his wet head around my pussy, matching my pace. I strike the bowl and he plunges inside me deeper this time, holding himself still, while watching me. He's testing me. He knows I can't hold out much longer. I smile and run the rim in circles; reluctantly he pulls out. Now he's circling right around my opening, he's teasing me. He wants me to call it. I keep the mallet going in circles. Now he's pressing up against my clit. He knows the side of me that pushes me over the edge and goes directly to that spot. I'm so close to coming I need him. I hit the bowl and he pile drives balls deep inside me. As he's pressing himself deeply inside of me he lowers and takes the bowl from me. Instead of the bowl singing and vibrating, I'm now moaning from his vibration. He's pumping himself in my swollen ready to cum pussy and he's pulling my flesh in with his cock with every slow plunge. I can't hold it in so I wrap my legs around him to pull him deeper in me and hold onto him while I'm cumming; I can feel him shoot his hot load inside me. My timer wakes me from my fantasy and my meditation is now over. I remove the earbuds and blindfold and get up to grab my singing bowl. I drag the mallet just below the rim and get the bowl to start singing; I feel a definite vibration in my stomach. And when I strike the mallet against the side of the bowl, my pussy throbs.
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loop Nine Inch Nails Hope We Can Again Sounds good On top of each other We would sound good on top of each other This ethereal energy exchange between us Slowly a shimmering faint light undulating when you reached out to me Building and billowing into manifestation when you said you wanted to hear me A vibration unlike any I can remember A Low frequency hum Oscillating curves gentle and reaching A delicate dance, movement without moving Feeling the song without hearing the music Presence without being present Filled with mindfulness The Pillars of Creation reaching out Fine tuning the connection Energy is higher the closer we are The first seconds when we say hello Electrical charges and I could release an orgasm With every heightened energy exchange Edging the amplitude Too high shortens the time Too low may dissipate Staying present to the phases Filled with mindfulness Esoteric humming Vibrating my being at a cosmogenic depth Auditory of the senses only thus far Unfathomable Our touch Becomes The Hand of God On top of each other Feels good My psyche at work again- Sleep To Dream I got my feet on the ground And I don't go to sleep to dream You got your head in the clouds You're not at all what you seem This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways So don't forget what I told you Don't come around, I got my own hell to raise I feel this isn't directed towards anyone just for myself; to my negative self, my self filled with doubts; an internal conflict. My struggle that's been brewing likely since I realized I had been without touch for far too long. This also includes my own touch. I remember discussing with my therapist a time I cried just for putting lotion on my body after a shower; I had even refused to lotion up my body fully. For years somewhere inside me I felt my body didn't deserve touch from anyone else including myself. Lately, I've been allowing self judgement to try to seep in; trying to refill places where I had successfully removed negative thoughts. This past year I have been filling myself with an openness to find my curiosity again and explore. My writing has helped me process, and my exploration these past few months inside the BDSM world just exploring my sexual self has done more for me than a year's worth of cognitive behavioral therapy. I have met a couple of great guides through this process helping me navigate this world and have even helped me explore my inner self. One in particular is my sounding board to my curiosity. This journey isn't just about my body, to feed the physical need as I once thought; but I'm realizing it's really about reconnecting my body and my mind. The dissection I performed years ago was a way to live in my choices without a fight; my way of coming to terms of me giving up to settle. My mind has been waking up this past year when a young cub started to flirt with me; I remembered how good it felt to feel aroused. Memories of me loving sex came back. Then deeper still were memories how I loved dirty sex. All but one of my sexual partners were vanilla and I continuously settled. My reawakened curiosity to explore has me realizing further, it's not just conventional society's vanilla definition of dirty sex I want; but I want to try just about everything I can. I feel I've been locked away for years and I'm coming out now, free to seek. The voices of opposition in my head are telling me this isn't going to work. To just stay locked away it'll be easier and less messy. I tell you how I feel, but you don't care I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare You say love is a hell you cannot bear And I say gimme mine back and then go there, for all I care Makes sense now this song and why it was in my head upon waking. I'm trying to explain to myself in order to be whole I need to feel, I need to discover my truth, and the experience of every emotion is a beautiful thing it's part of what makes me feel alive. All of me should want this for myself. Carl Jung said, "Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one's being, but by integration of the contraries." I'm reconnecting mind with body and this is starting to feel amazing. I want to explore with all of my senses to make up for lost time; slowly savor and enjoy every moment sexual or not. Let this journey unfold. The tension within myself that has been built up no longer has to remain restrained, it is now able to expand and fall open the way petals on a flower splay apart; blooming. With this song in my mind and warm thoughts of those that have helped me and currently are helping me, I begin to ache. I want to be touched. A desire to be caressed begins to build. I reach out to touch my own body, I feel the softness of my breasts. Noticing and appreciating the difference between my pre baby breasts and after baby breasts; sexy squishy now. My nipples harden. Hands eager to explore my body while my mind is swimming in delicious thoughts; wanting to have an orgasm. With my left hand on my sexy tits, my right hand slides under the blanket gliding down to feel the dip of my waist. Next, my hips, my beautiful wide hips yearning for the pressure of his hands to bear down upon them using them to drive deeper inside me. Legs splayed, I'm so wet this morning. Fingers explore outside of my panties feeling the wetness; soaked. My internal muscles are throbbing. I press around my vulva dragging my fingers against the fabric feeling the slight bulge from my full outer lips. My vaginal muscles opening in anticipation having an urge to be penetrated. The thought of whether I want a slow tease of his cock entering me or a quick plunge deep diving into my wetness; makes me more wet. I'm close to cumming. I can feel my vulva becoming more sensitive; the brush of fabric falling concave and slight air changes on my pussy is increasing my sensitivity. Frantic finger circles with visions of his forearms at either side of my head pumping himself inside me, meeting my bucking hips; I cry out softly as I cum intensely. "This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways" I won't be stifled any longer now that I'm becoming fully present in my mind and my body. However, as I reach for further growth and exploration, I do hope to be encouraged by some deviant ways. Until the flip~ don't sleep to dream stay aroused Apple, F. “Sleep to Dream.” Spotify, 23 July 1996, open.spotify.com/track/51HiIbv8gO0HvwpmAxXAFe.
I finally had a sex dream; I mean a full on sex dream. To top that, it was the first time in a long time I had dreamt of an actual person I know. Last sex type dream had no sex and that was in January. I'm not even sure I want to put this here. Afraid it will be spoiled. Or writing it here seals intent when I don't want it sealed. I want to place a seed and have it flourish into something. Okay back to the dream. It was definitely him. Hotel. In the dream when I 'woke' to the dream world, he and I just got done fucking. Fucking in the rawest sense of the word. I was on my back when he pulled out slowly and came down next to my left side leaning propped up by his right elbow. He smiles, "hey you". I smile. I drawl, purr like, "Hiiii". His eyes light up when he asks, "Should we kiss finally?" He leans over to me, my heart is pounding I just fucked him deliciously and yet I'm getting just as turned on thinking about now we will finally kiss. We haven't kissed yet. This is the first time we are meeting in person. We just spent, I don't know how long, I have no concept of time when it comes to him, we spent some amount of time straight fucking. Primal, animalistic fucking. I got here hours ago as there was no set time to meet. He actually comes over on top of me. Crushing me, then pushes his upper body up away from me. He slides himself down me. Grabbing my tits he licks my nipple of my left breast. Slides down and kisses my navel. Scoots further and presses gently my legs apart and places one kiss on the inside of my left thigh. I'm thinking he's going to lick my aching pussy. It's what he wanted me to think. Instead he comes up and situates himself between my legs looking at me. I see he's stroking himself. I want that in me. I need that dick back in me. As if he reads my mind he takes the tip and slowly enters me. My flesh dragging along with him slowly as he enters me. He comes down on top of me, crushing me, pinning me under him and then he smiles as he gently places his mouth on mine. This was such a great start to what could've been a really good graphic post of us meeting in person for the first time. He enters the room without knocking. No talking we fall into to fucking. No kissing either. Initially, I didn't want to write this dream for fear of spoiling some preordained plans; I wanted some version of this to come true. A first meeting between two sexually intense charged individuals. With one shot at an awesome first meeting. A Dom? A new muse on the horizon, a new section for my writing; however nothing to spoil here as I no longer hold this fear. I no longer even have desire to finish this fantasy. No new section. No new muse. And the horizon? Deep, black velvet sky with a waning crescent moon, presenting colors of wheat and pastel oranges, moving slowly gliding across the sky. Looking unusually large at the horizon, moon illusion, my breath escapes me at it's beauty and hypnotic magnitude. However, as it climbs higher into the dark sky the magnitude is waning. Losing it's magic as the brilliant yellows and oranges are fading fast, replaced with the expected insipid luminous glow that the moon typically displays. My journey to find 'him'. To find a Dom. Am I too picky? Currently not picky enough maybe. But I haven't had sex in 8 years and this will be my first Dom so I want to make sure 'he' is appreciative of this nugget of information. As this moon phase continues, so shall I; not jaded, maybe wiser, I will certainly be more cautious wanting to howl from any moon. Until the flip pull it to the side, keep it up & stay slow and just be. I've been meditating a lot; twice a day usually. Helps so much with my anxiety and keeps me off of pharmaceuticals. I'm finally feeling mentally well even amidst the pandemic. Not fear. There is no way I will go back to being dead inside, left to sleep walk through life. I feel good even on bad days. And on my really good days, I vibrate. So much so others notice. I receive comments as: I look happy, I appear vibrant even had someone say they felt I was surrounded by yellow and orange light.
On my days I'm really vibrating my sacral chakra is hot and pulsating; my sexual energy is palpable. My nipples remain hard all day. I'm wet and throbbing. My thighs tremble and when I sit, my legs won't be still. I can feel chemicals swirling in my brain. When I'm in public like this it can be draining because I'm constantly having to pull my energy back to my center making sure I am not molesting others with my vibration. Often times my solar plexus is charged up too; which governs self-esteem and personal power; I feel like an aggressor at this energetic level. In order to reign this in and dispel some energy, I masturbate before I leave the house. It helps relieve the pressure while turning the volume down to not assault others. Having been without sex for years, and often needing to relieve pressure there are weeks I'm nearly spending every day releasing orgasms. With having so many, I have come to realize if I'm not at the top of the wave, the orgasm will come out from underneath me and leave me feeling robbed. My mind detaches and doesn't experience what my body experiences; a disconnect. I've been playing around with breath lately while I orgasm. Normal for myself to hold my breath because I am busy in my head concentrating on fantasies right before I cum. My thoughts generally would be about recent play fantasies such as; mother and college son, wolf fantasies (you will want to read "becomes the Prey") and fantasies about finally hooking up with my 20 year crush. I protect my dopamine receptors from being fried by too much porn and since it's been 8 years since I've had sex with anyone, in my head is where I am often. It was just only a year ago when I finally shared an orgasm experience with another person. I was unable to sleep last night. My sacral and solar plexus chakra vibrations were heightened and filled with heat; there was no way I could sleep. I turned off my electronics. I did for a moment want to find a good song to have join me, but felt this time I would like to just be and not have my ears miss my soft breathing noises. I adjusted a pillow behind my head and pulled some covers off of me as my abdomen and thighs were already very warm. I was feeling flushed. Wanting to pull fantasies and visualize them in my real space, I will often leave my eyes open. Like my sense of hearing limited, I wanted to keep external visual noise also out of this experience and keep them closed this time. Eyes now closed with only the white noise of my air purifier, I slide my hands underneath my light blue t shirt, lifting to expose my hard budded nipples. Caressing my tits, I'm feeling the softness and smoothness of my skin around the breast in contrast to my hard nipples. I can feel my pussy vibrate. With my right hand I glide down slowly feeling for every beautiful imperfection, a scar, a bump, or a mole. Past my navel, I eagerly reach the waist band of my panties. I can't be distracted with my cunt tonight, the folds and wetness will have to wait for next time. I want to focus on breathing and less on touch. Therefore, I decide to situate my fingers outside of my panties. My panties are completely drenched with a wet concave spot where my aching pussy is underneath desiring something else other than my hand. I notice my breathing has become shallow and rapid. To bring mind back to breath, I inhale deeply. I follow breath into my expanding chest. My nipples get hard again. I draw my breath down center, to my stomach further down to my right hand. As I'm moving my fingers in slow steady circles, I imagine my breath circling my clit, filling my wet folds and entering me. With eyes closed, I notice the feeling inside building; a small fire burning. I need a release. My mind goes to the day's contents searching for material to keep pushing me closer over the edge. Conversations are popping up and an image follows. I'm on a bed in some room. My heart is racing. I feel pressure on my limbs, I'm tied. Splayed. Eyes remain closed because I'm blindfolded. I hear a newly familiar voice, affording me only a simple, "Hello". These ropes snugly binding my limbs are providing comfort as it is the only thing I know to be proving what they are; providing me security. They're reliable. No fear. My pounding heart is slowing. Back in my room, my hand is circling faster I'm already close to cumming from the fantasy. I'm getting wetter and can feel my orgasm building inside me. I want badly to be in my fantasy; to feel the fervor live as if he actually came to me. My muscles are clenching; my throbbing pussy is trying to pull at something that isn't there. Back in my head; he knows what I'm really afraid of. I hear footsteps. I feel the safety of the tight ropes being unfastened. My breath hitched. The blindfold is removed. He's standing at my feet, saying very little but so much is spoken through visual hunger; his pupils are wide, he wets his lips and I can see his cock growing. My body is now hot drowning in lust. Back in my room, my frantic fingers are circling and pressing a bit harder through my panties onto my clit. My thighs shake as I'm getting close to cumming. Wanting to be fully present, I inhale through my nose and pull breath down to my vulva. Exhale slowly with open mouth. I can feel a slow rolling from within my stomach and my muscles are tightening. Like the subtle crescendo building in Beethoven's Piano No. 14 Moonlight Sonata, keeping a steady, slow and gentle movement, gradually climbing; I feel my orgasm begin to trickle outwardly. Staying fully present, I gently focus and inhale deeply and exhale slowly. Soft mews leave my mouth, while I am cumming. The wave intensifies as it's being pulled out with my deep inhalations and exhalations. My stomach muscles shake as the orgasm is moving away being guided with breath. My vaginal muscles quiver. I inhale deeply, down to my shaking thighs and with more slow breaths I release my right hand. Both arms now above my head I can't help but smile. In Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, as the crescendo grows, it intensifies maintaining a slow steady build. The same rhythmic pace is carried even after the climax as the song begins to descend. There isn't a defining disconnect between the beginning and ending. I noticed there wasn't a sharp climb to intensity with an abrupt ending of the orgasm by doing the deep breathing. I was able to stay present and connected in the moment; from the initial warming up, through the building, during the climax and on the decline. Continuity and fluidity between beginning and end. From so much emotion after an intense orgasm I will sometimes cry. However tonight I discovered a lot of my crying happens because I feel sadness for the thought I may not have this with another person. Tonight I didn't cry. There wasn't anything but joy. For once I wasn't stuck in my head with my past or in the future. I stayed fully present. Regardless with anyone or not, it was my mindful experience. I feel my entire sexual existence has been nothing more than mindless orgasms. I needn't have fear that I won't have the chance to experience something so intense with another. I still had an intense experience. I learned to breathe and let go. Coincidental the song in my head was Moonlight Sonata and last night was a full moon? Until the flip~ go ahead bark at the moon |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |