Winter came early it seems. I experience SAD during the winter months and this is the first year without my pharmaceutical crutch. Not even winter yet and I am feeling I am failing. Miserably. Monday night terrible night. The day started really really nice. In the morning I was figuring out my new toy from him. I tortured my clit for an hour, made my tits hard and ended up sending pics to him; I wasn't going to as it never ends favorably for me. He didn't comment on them as usual and I instead messaged him and directly asked about this. Then got the reaction one would hope from their Dom albeit it felt less like a natural reaction and more that he was just fulfilling my request to take notice of my tatas.
Later in the morning he and I were figuring out how the toy connected remotely and then it worked! Amaze balls! Fucking technology is fucking very amazing! He played with me remotely. I may have to write about the experience or share my audio clips of the play! Then he continued with messaging about meeting later in the evening and even spoke about funishment! My favorite! For some reason I was in 'trouble' and had a feeling I was going to get a lecture with his dick in my mouth...another favorite. But in a span of two hours I crashed hard with his message about a heads up not knowing if later the play would happen. I was triggered with his parsing of words however we did meet up later but it was more out of maybe emotional necessity and to save the dynamic rather than our dynamic playing. It was a great play and very open hearted. My drop was great this time because it seemed as soon as I come to terms, his terms really, for his unavailability I am met with another obstacle that takes his time. I am learning fucking patience at an alarming fucking rate! I feel like I finally found my sexual match and want so badly to gorge myself on the delectable treat in front of me! But if someone doesn't have the time, well we all are allotted the same amount of time it's just priority, regardless if it's not there I can't magically give him extra time for me. This latest that has taken his time is fairly serious as he's become part caregiver of his friend that is going through a serious health crisis. And I commend him for being a wonderful human being to care for another. I forget to shield myself from other's emotions and found I am very connected to him...likely swallowing his essence has some energetic connections likely....ahhhh swallowing him. oy. ouch. So I am very connected to him. The next day I wasn't feeling well. Sore throat, a two day old headache I couldn't get rid of grew worse, low grade fever, chills, runny nose and my chest was feeling wheezy. My first thought was how dumb we were when he has to take care of someone and what if I have covid. In my panic I called around and found a place that would test me as I met the requirements for a test. What of course this did was also keep me home from work. I like my job and the people I work with. Getting out of the house alone is nice. But I can't until my results are in. Gyms are closed I don't even have this to look forward to when I get my results. I feel like that will be negative. I panicked for the sake of his housemate. I felt guilty that I succumbed to my emotions and that someone I didn't even know existed until a few days prior could be affected by my actions. Communication has decreased as he said he would have very little availability and little headspace for me or this dynamic. He's being a decent human being and I'm feeling shitty because my brain is making this all about 'me'. I don't know if I should feel sorry for myself. I can't determine if how I look is because I'm sick or for crying so much. I don't have test results yet. Can I cry because I feel like shit and I feel like I keep getting shitty deals? I get I can't be in the happy sphere all of the time but I feel like those moments are few and far between. I am having a hard time sitting still, being still. What refuses to be still is my sex drive. My touchy feely side, my cuddle side my salacious about insatiable fuck side isn't sick, isn't sitting still, isn't wanting to take a break doesn't understand lockdown or titrating or lack of someone else's availability. I react now negatively to heterosexual porn my jealousy is off the charts of watching other women getting fucked, sucked, cream pie'd on, even kissing and now some thoughts are turning towards my body image...if only I looked like them then maybe I too would be getting fucked, sucked, cream pie'd on and kissed! Logically this isn't true but my body reacts. I loved cuckolds. I can't watch those anymore. Slightly jealous of gay cockworshiping now. I'm down to watching men jerk off. And really I don't need to see them. I just want to hear a man's voice cum as I cum. I'm very careful to not burn up my dopamine receptors and keep my visual porn to a few times a week or one binge a week. My binge is 6 orgasms in a short period of time watching porn. Even being sick doesn't really hold me back but maybe 2 days this week. I've exceeded my limit for the week. Luckily it's Friday. I may just put myself in the corner. until the flip. nose drip. sniff sniff.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |