I think I've mentioned before about keeping an energy calendar. My mood yesterday was low and worse today. Low energy and zero sexual energy. Sucks. But I guess with every force there are waxing and waning periods. My card today Unfinished Symphony; don't quit before the finish line and Spirit wants 'this' for me- to not overthink things. I almost threw in the towel. I have been so used to it going a certain way it would be less painful now to jump ship than not have it go anywhere.
But I think that's when it's time to just drop anchor and sit. Enjoy the moment. How's the view? No thinking, just being. Becoming still is okay. Good to just sit and be, let that energy refill. Belly dance class yesterday was nice and challenging. I felt so out of place though. It wasn't that I didn't feel I belonged, there was such a disconnect between my body and my mind. I had been letting my morning routines fall away, my meditation is one routine that helps me keep body and mind connected; remain grounded. For days my chakra rocks have my Root Chakra showing as blocked. Family can be a good source for grounding. All but one is out of state. I have a brother I plan to see next month. It would be good to just take a break from my day to day, take a nice long drive and hang out for the weekend or just a quick overnight trip. We used to watch Japanese horror/psychological thrillers and hang out. I love Takashi Miike's films like "Audition" it's an amazing mind fuck. It's a beautiful day here. My chakra rocks again say I need some grounding and meditation to ask what I want to manifest in my life. I should go hug a tree and whisper how I would like spirit's help to guide. I wish they would answer me back with direction; I don't share everything on here and need a place to share my good manifestations. until the flip~ wait for a sign
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The butterflies are frantically banging around inside. I don't understand why they can't settle nor figure out what stirred them. So I'm up thinking and wanting to write. My mind feeling a need to explore exhibitionism. Me, the people watcher enjoys being watched. I had a thought about the blog being part of my exhibitionist tendency. The excitement I feel when I can see numbers about new viewers and page views increasing can get me started. Thinking about others getting excited about my work turns me on.
Even more thrilling is when he comes at me with one word, comment, quote, or a question about the post the previous day; I get wet. The butterflies in my stomach will start to vibrate; making me ache for him. Gets deep inside my head. This morning their agitation began when I was thinking about this feeling I have when I don't hear from him about my writing. What am I experiencing and why? It's not anything negative, like hurt or anger. My knees weaken. Almost breathless as I'm checking in with myself. Trying to capture this emotion. It's excitement no doubt. How am I excited that he might be reading but not letting me know especially if he likes or doesn't like it? He's watching me from afar. Wanting to see what unfolds. Maybe quietly stalking me; I'm his prey. Watching, waiting; will he or won't he pounce. Does my writing please? Is he enjoying the show so far? I have no idea. No inclination any of this turns him on. But I guess that's the point, he's watching something, while removed. The thought he might be there quietly watching coupled with the thrill of waiting for that contact keeps me on my toes, keeps the butterflies on standby. They're waiting for a faint rustle, or a small ripple of a token whispering praise. Oy. My mouth. My mind. Funny now, I have had for a few years developed anxiety tics. Worse they have become since I've been off of medication. I'm feeling alive not on medication but it's tic season. My anxiety tics are head shoulder shrugs. Then came a mouth fart or queef. Followed those just recently are sexual exhales. Which currently because I'm speaking of them are fervently present! Joy.
My beautiful twisted mind, making gestures and mouth noises the more twisted my mind gets. Amazing. Plenty has transpired lately to cause such a vocal frenzy. I said goodbye to dom A. My first. He was gentle and kind, inspirational and encouraging. Exactly who I needed at the moment. Then my old flame, Skippy back in my life. He said he isn't going to run this time. I've been writing and exposing more of myself and my mind. Counseling for my family as we shift into something other than what 16 years ago we had planned. No wonder my mind feels stressed and stretched. Emotions constantly in check but some escape me to climb. Shoulders jerk, quick moans and mouth farts...embarrassing but it's an autonomous nervous system release. Physical activity has helped but I only go to the gym 3 days a week and play drums daily for only 30 minutes. Oy. My emotions now. Deep breath. Checking in. Where is it? Eyes closed. My stomach. Another inhalation. Anywhere else? No. Just my stomach. Dead heavy murdered butterflies. I knew it. Bad sense of humor. My humor flood lighting the area to ward off dark thoughts. Relax eyebrows. Bring tongue from roof of mouth down touch bottom teeth. Check in again. Still in stomach. Now I want to cry. Okay so cry. What are we crying for. Sadness. I am sad. Deep breath. Exhale. I have sadness. Deep breath in. Exhale. I am experiencing sadness. Okay much better. I'm out of that. And back to my mouth and the disconnect with my brain that I experience sometimes. Do I need to be more present with my thoughts before I send them out? Or is part of my essence is to just go. Unrestrained. Oy. Tics starting. Thoughts in my head. Wondering. My mind. My beautiful twisted mind. Why I allow some so readily inside? My already twisted mind, please come in. Is it the ones that appear to want to unravel and untangle only to get me more contorted? I can see them a mile away coming, they want to partake. Dip your toe in the intense detailed emotion filled pool; I can see the outcome each time yet I hope for a different ending. Someone inevitably drowns. And it's usually me. Plenty of deaths before, not my first drowning. Difference this time is I can pull out. Stand back and watch the beautiful intense events unfold. Lie back and reminisce over the beguiling meeting. The intermediary intense exchanges that took place prior to me pulling the pin. An unnecessary pin to say the least. I don't have to stay in this intense emotion. What was to be uncovered without chaos having my layers exposed started to take place only I started to create the chaos. Yes, I will wonder how with so much ease I allow someone to enter. It hurts, that I do this and yet I do not know my own formula to make such a decision. Ascension, what goes up, must it always come down? Do I pull the pin to make it come down faster? Why must I feel someone else has the answer to unravel my own mind. Next itch I get to pull a pin, I will stop and reflect. Take a deep breath. Relax my eyebrows. Pull my tongue down from the roof of my mouth. Stay in this space whatever it is, whatever emotion. Happiness, sadness, fear, trust, anticipation, sexual attraction, amused, captivated, disappointed whatever the emotion ride it. The wave will pass. Then decide a next move. "Being vulnerable has a cost." This I know this to be true, the cost can be painful. It is painful, it hurts. I won't stop being open for fear of pain. It's part of the experience. I can ride that wave and wait for it to pass. With that my tics have stopped. My heart is lighter, and my smile brighter today was a gift I may not see it now but I am marked by an experience. A scar or a beauty mark? With grace, I will always make the conscious decision it will be the latter. "Let's Get It On" Marvin Gaye I narrowed my list down to him. Dom A. Last night he said he wanted to work schedules to not neglect me. Cool. A turn on when I see those words, "not wanting to neglect". Today however, when I asked if I should let my final potentials know I'm going to just have one dom, his response was just, "Sure". Deflated. Not sure why I'm deflated. I go back and read his messages, they appear so different from the conversations we previously had. At one point I wanted to ask him if I was actually talking to two people. But I get it, my email writing is different from my text message writing and he's human he's having a day. I would write a post, and wait for a comment from him either after I posted or the next day. Not much lately. Again life. But what if he's just a hunter or thrilled at the prospect of competition. He did say I could have more than one, something about not limiting. Maybe things changed when he asked last night if I wanted to be chosen. I don't know. Then the Spanish speaking incident; he acted like he spoke Spanish. I told him of the time I learned a sentence from a friend of mine to tell my Chilean boyfriend off. Usually, when I repeat the sentence Spanish speakers will comment my accent is good. With him all I got were crickets. Then he admitted he only spoke a few words. Maybe I'm catching flags and ignoring it because of written words and blinded by my desperation. Desperate housewife and all. What are my responsibilities? How am I to behave? No schedule from him so no planned contact just seat of pants. Generally unplanned. With all of this and being new I have no idea what is normal, what are flags; this whole lifestyle could be viewed as a red flag quite frankly. Regardless I'm still excited to see where I am going and what I will do next. He's human and I'm gonna have an off day. I will see if in a few weeks things change. It will be interesting to look back at this. "Drop It Like It's Hot" Snoop Dog I can't sleep and about finished with my cold-thank god since corona virus is in my city my sickness was triggering my anxiety. Happy to note I didn't even need anxiety emergency medication. A few message exchanges between him and I but with me being sick I feel out of it and I don't know perhaps my vibe is off. Maybe in the next few days I'll be back. I joined a woman's book club. I've done one before so I had to ask the member that invited me if this was really a book club or just an excuse for women to get together drink wine and bitch about shit. Don't get me wrong, that's fun too. But she assured me it's a book club and sent me information about date, time location and the book, Wicked Fall by Sawyer Bennett. Hesitant since the last 'sex' book I tried to read which left me deflated and disappointed was 50 Shades of Grey. What the hell at the very least I have a great time with female friends making new friends. Bought the book had it sent to my tablet. Started a little on Friday, a bit more on Saturday thinking well it has captured my interest enough I want to keep going. Sunday night, tonight I'm about at the half way mark and fired up enough to write. Flushed. Wet. Sure the book started me. The great thing about the tablet is I can see sections highlighted multiple times. I chuckle a little because the sections that are highlighted by previous readers are not my reasons for highlighting. In fact the sentences I highlighted haven't been. Some reason this thought turns me on; I'm highlighting descriptive paragraphs that move me, physically makes me twitch. Sentences that I find not only a turn on but I think, wow I like me some of them adjectives and nouns and perhaps should use something like that when I write. Not wanting to spoil for a possible reader, after a steamy interaction between the main characters, the chapter ends with, a typical dramatic comparison. Comparing having to end an interaction the same as having to stop breathing. However, according to my tablet, 43 highlighters were used to emphasize the importance of this sentence. And here I highlight sentences such as "...I'm dying to orgasm inside of her. Mark her." Or "...I could sit here and lick this woman for hours to hear that again and again..." I guess I'm not of the typical audience of this book. Maybe because I'm also studying the writing style. It's been years since I read anything steamy let alone finish and enjoyed the book. The books I had given away I wish I hadn't because one, I can't remember the title, was my favorite. My favorite was about BDSM. In particular a scene I remember the female lead was at a dinner party and she was nervous when the person she didn't know next to her started fingering her. She was enjoying and frightened by it. All the while the object of her desire was watching knowing what was going on. Disappointing I can't remember the title. So the next book I tried was "50 Shades of Grey" and because it was so bad I felt I wouldn't read erotica anymore. Figured the book club would help get me back into reading that genre again. Let someone else decide what I should read. Good sub girl. Studying the author's erotic style, words he chose, and getting into the story, my thoughts also sprinkle to him. Then back to a fantasy of mine. I love watching Hysterical Readings. I enjoy watching women read while being stimulated by a vibrator. Fully clothed. Sitting unassumingly at a table just reading. Other than maybe a hum of the vibrator just looks like a live reading. I experience ASMR with some of the voices and I get turned on watching others getting turned on. But more so I put myself in there place. I would love to get out of my comfort zone and do a reading without showing my face. Maybe using lightening to semi hide it or a filter. Certain chapters in the current book I'm reading could get me off. Or shit even better read one of my posts. My favorite posts. I could have my own version of Hysterical Readings Of Favorite Posts. Ooohh maybe have someone decide what to read? My dom decide? If had to pick right off the top of my head, I like Dic Pic and Wicked Game. "Ride- Remix" SoMo Being sick and my head muddled with thoughts that I can't process nor digest conversations I had with him; this song is hitting spots on me. I even had a session with Mr. Pickle Friday night. As great as it was I didn't feel like writing about it. Okay, I now remember a two minute orgasm, I was imagining Dom A present and directing me, while I was cumming he oddly messaged me during that time. That would've been a great post to write about. Timing, would've been a good title too. "You Learn" Alanis Morissette When I'm sick my emotions are heightened, it takes extra time to settle my emotions. I should've meditated tonight and certainly need to get back on my routine. I feel like my energy is leaking and I'm not replenishing. Giving myself away somewhere. I could use some grounding. My hour long music rabbit hole has me ending up on this song. What started out a semi-book review with a touch of a fantasy that crossed my mind while reading said book has turned left down emotion ville. I really dislike being sick. "Wait until the dust settles" "You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn You bleed you learn, you scream you learn" |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |