My psyche at work again- Sleep To Dream I got my feet on the ground And I don't go to sleep to dream You got your head in the clouds You're not at all what you seem This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways So don't forget what I told you Don't come around, I got my own hell to raise I feel this isn't directed towards anyone just for myself; to my negative self, my self filled with doubts; an internal conflict. My struggle that's been brewing likely since I realized I had been without touch for far too long. This also includes my own touch. I remember discussing with my therapist a time I cried just for putting lotion on my body after a shower; I had even refused to lotion up my body fully. For years somewhere inside me I felt my body didn't deserve touch from anyone else including myself. Lately, I've been allowing self judgement to try to seep in; trying to refill places where I had successfully removed negative thoughts. This past year I have been filling myself with an openness to find my curiosity again and explore. My writing has helped me process, and my exploration these past few months inside the BDSM world just exploring my sexual self has done more for me than a year's worth of cognitive behavioral therapy. I have met a couple of great guides through this process helping me navigate this world and have even helped me explore my inner self. One in particular is my sounding board to my curiosity. This journey isn't just about my body, to feed the physical need as I once thought; but I'm realizing it's really about reconnecting my body and my mind. The dissection I performed years ago was a way to live in my choices without a fight; my way of coming to terms of me giving up to settle. My mind has been waking up this past year when a young cub started to flirt with me; I remembered how good it felt to feel aroused. Memories of me loving sex came back. Then deeper still were memories how I loved dirty sex. All but one of my sexual partners were vanilla and I continuously settled. My reawakened curiosity to explore has me realizing further, it's not just conventional society's vanilla definition of dirty sex I want; but I want to try just about everything I can. I feel I've been locked away for years and I'm coming out now, free to seek. The voices of opposition in my head are telling me this isn't going to work. To just stay locked away it'll be easier and less messy. I tell you how I feel, but you don't care I say tell me the truth, but you don't dare You say love is a hell you cannot bear And I say gimme mine back and then go there, for all I care Makes sense now this song and why it was in my head upon waking. I'm trying to explain to myself in order to be whole I need to feel, I need to discover my truth, and the experience of every emotion is a beautiful thing it's part of what makes me feel alive. All of me should want this for myself. Carl Jung said, "Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one's being, but by integration of the contraries." I'm reconnecting mind with body and this is starting to feel amazing. I want to explore with all of my senses to make up for lost time; slowly savor and enjoy every moment sexual or not. Let this journey unfold. The tension within myself that has been built up no longer has to remain restrained, it is now able to expand and fall open the way petals on a flower splay apart; blooming. With this song in my mind and warm thoughts of those that have helped me and currently are helping me, I begin to ache. I want to be touched. A desire to be caressed begins to build. I reach out to touch my own body, I feel the softness of my breasts. Noticing and appreciating the difference between my pre baby breasts and after baby breasts; sexy squishy now. My nipples harden. Hands eager to explore my body while my mind is swimming in delicious thoughts; wanting to have an orgasm. With my left hand on my sexy tits, my right hand slides under the blanket gliding down to feel the dip of my waist. Next, my hips, my beautiful wide hips yearning for the pressure of his hands to bear down upon them using them to drive deeper inside me. Legs splayed, I'm so wet this morning. Fingers explore outside of my panties feeling the wetness; soaked. My internal muscles are throbbing. I press around my vulva dragging my fingers against the fabric feeling the slight bulge from my full outer lips. My vaginal muscles opening in anticipation having an urge to be penetrated. The thought of whether I want a slow tease of his cock entering me or a quick plunge deep diving into my wetness; makes me more wet. I'm close to cumming. I can feel my vulva becoming more sensitive; the brush of fabric falling concave and slight air changes on my pussy is increasing my sensitivity. Frantic finger circles with visions of his forearms at either side of my head pumping himself inside me, meeting my bucking hips; I cry out softly as I cum intensely. "This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled By your deviant ways" I won't be stifled any longer now that I'm becoming fully present in my mind and my body. However, as I reach for further growth and exploration, I do hope to be encouraged by some deviant ways. Until the flip~ don't sleep to dream stay aroused Apple, F. “Sleep to Dream.” Spotify, 23 July 1996, open.spotify.com/track/51HiIbv8gO0HvwpmAxXAFe.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |