Here use this for this ride... picked this song as it matched my mood and inspired the post. Hey Nate, how's life? I don't know it's alright I've been dealin' with some things like every human being And really didn't sleep much last night I'm sorry That's fine I just think I need a little me time I just think I need a little free time Little break from the shows and the bus rides Last year I had a breakdown Thoughts tellin me I'm lost gettin too loud Had to see a therapist then I found out Somethin' funny's going on up in my house Yeah started thinkin' maybe I should move out You know pack my cart take a new route Clean up my yard get the noose out Hang up my heart let it air out I've been searchin' What does that mean, Nate? I've been learnin' Grabbin' my keepsakes Leavin' my burdens Well I brought a few with me I'm not perfect Lookin' at the view like this concerns me Pickin' up the cues right? I'm quite nervous Hate it when I lose sight life gets blurry And things might hurt me It's prolly gonna be a long journey but hey! *Just thought I'd throw some stuff away here. Good place as any to hide shit. Stick it here, drown it out amidst some loud looping music. Loop the song the way a memory loops. Replay a fantasy to try to change the outcome. Just as in a looped song the words never change neither will the reality. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. Now that's fucking crazy and worse yet, time has passed. Growth of some sorts should have taken place. So what are we hiding here? Oooh something dramatic and deep. Hang a heart not a moment? How about hang, the fucking heart instead of being hung, by a moment. Sad to glance at myself; can't discern is this a rear view reflection or front view. Repeating past mistakes? Letting back in what shouldn't have gotten close. Trying to dance with a ghost. Why am I propping up something that is dead? That never happened? Giving life to a fantasy. The psychological mind fuck of the doppelganger teasing me and taunting me. Setting the trap for a trick knowing I'm thinking this time I'd finally get the treat. Masochistic mind. Beaten heart. Self roped and rigged, tightly bound waiting for the rigger to come release me from his rope; my bondage. Self inflicted burn marks. Seemed tighter this time the closer he came; my body shaking with excitement for the final release and ability to breathe. The years of being bound to a glance, tied to a kiss and strangled by hope; his footsteps coming closer to me sounded like a difference. His eyes looked hungrier from my absence. His mouth filled with new words. And his voice sounded of a believable promise. I'm a sad sweet little rope virgin. Trusted to be tied. Bound and forgotten. I search for the complications in myself that keep me bound. I've had to fight, scratch and claw my way to always be someone's attention; to be someone's number one. He was easy I had very little fight or work to do. I just had him tie me and leave me. This won't be the last. This game is so strong. The rigging is tightly comforting and the suffocation familiar. Bring safety cutters, search for a self release, or use the safe word and tap out. Tapping out isn't giving up it's slowing down the round or cease the play. Then gather self; self respect, self love, self worth and finally finish up with self after care. Until the flip~ Carry on with the looped performance. See we've all got somethin' that we've trapped inside That we try to suffocate you know hoping it dies Try to hold it under water But it always survives Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies You don't relate to that, must not be as crazy I am The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way It's pretty cool right? Yeah, but it's not always safe Just hang with me this will only take a moment okay Just think about it for a second if you look at your face Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great You'll never be great Not because you're not but the hate Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith (Whoo) Profitt, Tommee, and Nate Feuerstein. “The Search.” Spotify, 26 July 2019, open.spotify.com/track/3oLe5ZILASG8vU5dxIMfLY.
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I can't stop thinking about him. I faced time with my ex one Saturday night and all I wanted was to be talking with Skippy. I miss his face, his laugh, and the way he fucking looks at me as though I'm his next meal. I miss how he makes me laugh. I hope I get to facetime with him again. It was strange when Skippy and I were ending our facetime, I couldn't hang up. I almost asked him if that was our last time we'd see each other, I had a sinking feeling that we wouldn't facetime again. Likely the last of this sextion; momentarily. Sad, because this shit was hot, hot enough to have me Hanging By A Moment for 20 years. I'm laughing, because the song that just popped on is by Jonny Lang "A Quitter Never Wins". I told him I wouldn't tap out, I'm just slowly taking a couple steps backwards to stand still; to find balance. He knows my situation is over. He knows when I'm heading to my hometown. He knows how to get a hold of me. However, I feel I've cried too much this round. I've shed many tears for this man that I've never been with. I've spent time dreaming, fantasizing and planning; lots of my time, I all too happily used to be just left on read.
I guess I'm too impatient and want to be just told the truth head on, no bullshit. Am I in or am I out? But not getting straight answers I guess is an answer; I just don't want to fucking hear it. He said he wouldn't bail and he hasn't. I said I wouldn't tap out, I'm not. The doom of us, are we the star crossed lovers that won't ever get to be together? Hurts unlike anything. To have met someone that moved me so much: we were never together in a romantic or physical relationship. I can't fathom being with him, hugging him again or being made love to by him; my imagination can't reach that level of intensity. Maybe to not know is better than knowing to only be left with the same unanswered questions. Not having answers, how do I grow? Should I have not shared my site? I am a very sexually intense person and likely even more so now since I haven't had sex in 8 years. Is all of this for naught? Am I being dramatic because he's had a bad day(s) and has been silent? Should I have slowed him down when he was hot and heavy with the sexting initially? Why do I have to have brakes for two because I feel I have to play the game of "drag-this-out-because-you're-likely-to -bail-after-we-play"? Why can't two fucking adults play and keep playing or say "hey I need a break" or "we moved too fast"? My close friend said he could likely have deep feelings for me and I'm giving off a vibe that I just want to play. Told her I want to go deep with him and that he and I should have a conversation about how we feel for each other in person; but can we fuck first? She laughed and said, "See? No." She's right. I do feel like he does want more and this shouldn't be based around sex. I have always wanted more with him. It wasn't just about sex; I feel like there's more to experience with him and I want this, have wanted this. I can't tell if this panic is from old ghosts that ghosted me or my gut trying to talk to me. The feedback I got from the sex book club review party when I spoke of him and our road; nine women were excited saying he and I should be a story. I should be writing about us. I had planned making this whole website journey into one story. Now thinking maybe do something about him and I even if it turns out to be fiction. Hurts, I don't even want his section to have an intermission. Spirit has been guiding me; all signs say to find and hold patience. I'm terrible with patience especially when I feel like the finish line is so fucking close. Yet, I've been at this for 20 years. Hope I can continue this path without self sabotage and self fulfilling prophecy. I will make a pact with the Universe; I will stand still, smile, hug myself and trust fall. I am being read and will be answered. I wake. I'm in an elevator. Looks like I'm going down. Light in elevator is low. Elevator is shaking slightly while my heart is racing with anticipation. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what will be waiting for me when it stops and the doors open. Hands shaking. I lick my my lower lip before biting it to keep it from quivering. Hands are hot. My legs are weak with fear. Seems the dim lighting grows darker with each descending floor. I look down at my shoes. Red shiny heels; sexy laces wrapped up to and around my small ankles. Smooth bare legs. Up mid thigh, a skirt. My hips and ass, hugged by a cotton semi flared short black skirt. White buttoned up work blouse is buttoned up to my throat; no sight of swelling cleavage. Shirt covering a black laced bra with peek-a-boo red satin cups filled with spilling breasts; eager to be freed. Deep breaths quicken when I glance at my reflection in the control panel. My bright mermaid red hair pulled back on one side leaving a piece hanging softly next to my cheek. Bangs hanging slightly hiding my nervous eyes. I bite my lower lip again. My lips are a perfect shade of dark red matte, full and unable to keep still. My full dark lashes framing my soft muted blue eyes. Pupils wide and wild as my adrenaline is pumping through my veins. I'm scared. I have no sense of where I am. I have no idea where I am being lead to. I have no clue what or who will be there when the doors slide open. Even more fear courses through me, what if no one is there to guide me. Direct me. Explain to me what is going on. How long will I be left alone? With that thought, I jerk at the sound of the bell marking my arrival. The elevator makes it's final slight bounce locking into place before opening the doors. I shudder at the feeling I have just been delivered. Sent to whom? Commissioned for what? Heart pounding, I brush my sweaty hands across my hips adjusting my skirt. Clasping my hands behind my back I try to control the visible shaking that is starting to transpire. My terrified mind now has spread it's fear to my body. I feel as my body betraying me; shaking with fear yet I feel my panties getting wet. I hear the elevator light flickering as the doors begin to pull open; lights adjusting. The rubber from the doors making a slight suction pop as they spread slowly apart. Presenting. Like curtains at a performance; a show is about to begin. Sliding ever so slowly, wider, I see dim lights reflecting off of shiny tiled marbled floor. Gold flecks in the tiles sparkle. Dark reflective shadows in the floor appear as my eyes are scanning for movement. None. My heart pounding in my chest as the doors are now opened wide somehow telling me it's time. Time to leave the comfort of the defined four walls, ceiling and floor out into the unknown. I pull what strength I have to force my legs to move forward. My heels clicking softly as I cross with trepidation over the threshold. My clasped hands now moved to the sides of me, fidgeting with my skirt and wiping any wetness from my palms. As I slowly walk out of the elevator I can feel how wet I am. My panties providing no shelter for my inner thighs as they too are getting smeared from my pussy deceiving me. Fear is seducing me, pulling me. I am starting to fill with a need. I stop suddenly as I hear footsteps coming towards me unsure from which direction as I am facing a wall and either side of me is open. I can't gauge which direction the echoes of the slow with intent footsteps are coming from. I turn my head to the left. I see an open lobby, I'm in a hotel. Front desk is empty. No one is here. My heart drops to my stomach, when I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. My knees start to buckle at the thought the instant I turn my head to my right shoulder I will see who called for me. I turn my chin down with my eyes to my feet as he pulls his hand away. I can feel his body heat resonating eager to get at me and fill me. He comes close purposefully invading my space making me move; backwards. My heartbeat and heels are ticking as I walk backwards; head down and back into the elevator. I recognize these hands as they are now placed on my hips guiding me back. He walks me backwards to the back elevator wall. Now I'm flush with the wall, pinned. Elevator speakers, have been quietly in the background with instrumental music which now fades to a recognizable song: I'll let you show me his moves Let you do what he taught you Let you reminisce how you used to do Girl, I'm open to anything that'll get you into that zone And understand that we're all alone So you can slowly take off your clothes Baby girl, you know what's in store The song begins to fill me, while his hands on are still on my hips; he's waiting. Paused for my rapid breathing and racing heart to slow a bit. Just to build me up again. My head still down, I have an idea who has summoned me. My excited thoughts making it difficult for me to catch my breath. He patiently waits. I hold in my breath and slowly release. Relaxing my breath. Slowing my heartbeat. Baby I will stay up all night I've been goin' hard since last night And I'ma go harder tonight Wish you could see you through my eyes Oh, I'm telling you this ain't the same And I know he's still in your brain I'm 'bout to burn that shit into flames Once I'm in you, baby whoa His left hand remains pushed up against my right hip. He slides his right hand up, brushing gently across my breast making both breasts swell with a desperation to be freed from being bound in the bra. My breath, I'm losing again as his hand finds his way back down to the side of my thigh. He slides his hand up under my skirt. Slowly traces up the side of my thigh pulling my skirt up, exposing my black laced red satin panties. He gently pulls at the waistband of my panties. My pussy aches as he quickly pulls back his hand; the tug was to tease. I hurt. My head still down, his hand comes back up and he lays it across my chest just under my chin. My heart pounds when he places his fingers under my chin. My heart feels as though it will burst from anticipation. The butterflies in my stomach vibrate violently frantically needing to be released. Lifting my head, my eyes well up with tears as my eyes match his. I knew it was him. Relieved it was him. He pulls my arms up over my head and takes both of my small wrists in one hand pushing me hard up against the wall. His other hand comes down to grab hold of my face pulling it up as he leans down to kiss me so I would forget. Forget what you know (whoa, whoa, whoa) Make yourself at home (ooh) 'Cause baby when I'm finished with ya You won't wanna go outside Montagnese, Carolo, et al. “Outside.” Spotify, 1 Jan. 2012, open.spotify.com/track/1yhDPgIPGoe3Bf8wRsK4u7.
Deflated.
So three times this fucking month. Once last month. What goes up must come down. The dick gets hard and then it gets flaccid. Ain't no shame. Hold two minutes, and another emotion will replace the feeling of wanting to hold my heavy sad head in my scared little hands. Then tic the shit away. I've been wanting to write some more fantasy but been feeling stuck. Stuck on other fucking narratives that aren't even sexy for fuck's sake. I need to get my head out of bullshit boring stories and back into fucking, dick worshiping, pussy worshiping and other items that my one and only dom, I did have for a minute, had listed on a questionnaire. I had to google some of this shit, shit which by the way there is a scat play kink. Uh, that is for certain my hard no. *** Update to this as the above was written last night, not only did I not get out of my head I went deep up in there. Worst case scenarios playing in my head feeling vulnerable and exposed. I should've recognized how the night was going to end; I kind of suspected which is why I brought my vibrator out with me to the studio. Had planned for the evening it would be just me and some porn or even reread the special highlighted sections in Wicked Fall but instead I decided to get aboard the crazy train to pity'ville. Not sexy at fucking all. Even took it further and left a crying voice message to my flame telling him I wanted to tap out thinking he isn't into 'this' as much as I am. I am too much even for myself. Conversation this morning, I retracted my tap out. Stressed already and my facetime with him last Saturday had me feeling vulnerable. My morning and evening routines have almost disappeared and I need this to be the forefront of my mind to keep me on track with my lines. Sad thoughts of thinking I probably need to get back on my medication; realized this is just doubt talking trying to continue last night's narrative. I know what I need to do to get myself out of this funk. Just do it. Until the flip~ don't wait for the flip, do it yourself. My head consumed by imagination; tried to push out the negative thoughts. He said he would call at 9 pm. Closer to 10 pm and I sent him a message asking if anything happened since the last time we talked Thursday. I will need time to get over my knee jerk reaction when I don't hear from him. Left alone with my negative thoughts. I can see he opened the snap with the link to my post yet he hadn't mentioned whether he read the post. Afraid he's thinking I am too intense or doesn't want me to write about him. I was full of tics today. Finally he messaged me, he apologized saying he went out to dinner.
I called or he called, can't remember. He switched to video. Oy. Nervous. What if he doesn't look as I remember or what if he doesn't like how I look? Oddly my tics are taking the pressure off of this insecurity, but then I'm scared I really look weird. My breath, shortens when I see him. Been so long, I've missed him. I could've cried. Still hot. My tics started acting up pretty badly; I was excited emotionally and physically. He hadn't brought up the post I made about him and every time I wanted to bring it up my tics started up. I was so nervous asking him about the writing. My sexual line I don't want to cross is I want to wait until I was with him to have an orgasm. I will more than happily deliver facetimes of me coming along with nudes after we've been physically together. I think it would be a great tortuous form of foreplay. Sexy pics or coming through voice chats only. However when it comes to him, my line gets blurred or disappears altogether; I become a soft moldable pliable subject waiting for his tools and words to guide and shape me. I told him how I love the way he looks at me. Him wanting to know what that looks like I explained it looks like he wants to savor me slowly and then savagely devour me. Natural dom in him. And although I'm not so much a brat he brings her out of me; I think that might be his unbeknownst kink. I can't help but start to feel on my breasts. He says he wants to see the bottom of one. Ahhh a sexy peek. Now cleavage and side boob is okay but when I see the bottom of the breast I instantly get turned on. I slip my hand under my shirt and sports bra and grab a handful of my breast. I check the mirror next to me to see if my large areola is covered sufficiently with my hand. I slowly slide my shirt up and expose the sexy bottom portion of my swelling breast as requested. He then tells me take my sport bra off. I tic forward, my tics happen when I'm excited. My dead give away as I'm for sure sexually excited. However I'm struggling with my line I didn't want to cross. I really want him to see all of me in person first. I think it would be sexier. But my tits, I can't keep my hands off of them. Especially, seeing that smile come across his lips viewing the bottom of my partially exposed breast. I want to see him smile that way again. Using my bent knees, I pull a pillow up to my chest, propping up I reach under my blanket and pull my shirt up over my head. After I pull off my sports bra I slip my shirt back on. Feels so good to be free. I can't help but play with them even more and tug at my nipples. My tits feel so full eager to be touched. Biting my lower lip, I grab and knead my tits while he's watching; feels so amazing. Another of my line was to not to cum through video chat; I want it with him first. I can feel my lines melting away as I slip my hand under my blanket. He asks where my hand is going and what is it doing. I pull it back up to my mouth, slip my two fingers in my mouth and give it a wet lick and suck. A sly smile escapes me. I am incorrigible. In a soft moan, I tell him I can't help this and not sure I can stop this. He asks if my pussy is throbbing. Fuck. Line is gone. I'm going to cum. I'm half propped up with my left arm and up against the wall. He said he likely won't be able to speak when we're in person. Fucking hot I have that effect on him. He's not saying much he explained he's losing his words while watching me. I'm thinking about the time we can be together. How very little will be said. I want badly to grind on him while he's looking into my eyes. Blanket still over my lap I'm really close. He told me to move my hips more. My body automatically reacts to him positively when he gives me a command. My head back, I sit up straighter grinding my throbbing pussy on the folding foam pad. Braless tits jutted forward; my body begins to shake I'm so close. He said he likes when my tits shake. I withdraw my hand. My mind reminding me of my line; wanting to cum in his physical presence. He was surprised I didn't cum and he thought I had already. No, that was just a warm up. As I love to edge. Get myself close, stop then restart. He tells me, I want to cum. Yes, I want and need to cum. I slip my fingers in my mouth. He smiles as he knows I will obey and that I plan to finish. I slide them down under the blanket under the waist band of my sweats and panties. I give him a play by play. Finger one, slides right in. Finger two, inserted. I hear a slight gasp from him as I tell him a third goes in. This feels so good to be doing this and to have his eyes on me. I pull them out and find my clit. I'm so wet. I have zero traction. I move outside of my panties. I stop to slip my sweats off. Back under the blanket I immediately put my hand on the outside of my soaked panties starting my back and forth movements. As instructed earlier, I make sure my hips are moving, it feels even better because he told me. I was so close previously it won't take long to cum. Mind wanders back to my line and it's trying to get me to stop but my body is wanting this release. Imagining him with me, I tell him I need him to pound me. But first tease me with his cock, just a tip. I can feel my body so close. Images and shadows fill my head. Scattered parts of me coming together, zipping up perfectly forming an energy helix as my body feels like it's rising higher the closer I get to coming. I'm lost with thought and fantasy. Ceiling, walls, floor and objects are falling away as I begin to come. My calling out his name was my way of staying tethered to this plane with him. I float away with my wave. After a minute or so, I told him I have to stop, I had to pull my fingers away. I was drained. I come back to this plane, fully present looking at his face. Can't wait until I can physically be with him. After four hours of being on chat we talk a little bit more because neither wants to leave. I noticed this time edging myself with him watching me, that when I returned to finally make myself cum the climb to reaching my climax was higher and the orgasm was longer. Intense. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |