Here use this for this ride... picked this song as it matched my mood and inspired the post. Hey Nate, how's life? I don't know it's alright I've been dealin' with some things like every human being And really didn't sleep much last night I'm sorry That's fine I just think I need a little me time I just think I need a little free time Little break from the shows and the bus rides Last year I had a breakdown Thoughts tellin me I'm lost gettin too loud Had to see a therapist then I found out Somethin' funny's going on up in my house Yeah started thinkin' maybe I should move out You know pack my cart take a new route Clean up my yard get the noose out Hang up my heart let it air out I've been searchin' What does that mean, Nate? I've been learnin' Grabbin' my keepsakes Leavin' my burdens Well I brought a few with me I'm not perfect Lookin' at the view like this concerns me Pickin' up the cues right? I'm quite nervous Hate it when I lose sight life gets blurry And things might hurt me It's prolly gonna be a long journey but hey! *Just thought I'd throw some stuff away here. Good place as any to hide shit. Stick it here, drown it out amidst some loud looping music. Loop the song the way a memory loops. Replay a fantasy to try to change the outcome. Just as in a looped song the words never change neither will the reality. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. Now that's fucking crazy and worse yet, time has passed. Growth of some sorts should have taken place. So what are we hiding here? Oooh something dramatic and deep. Hang a heart not a moment? How about hang, the fucking heart instead of being hung, by a moment. Sad to glance at myself; can't discern is this a rear view reflection or front view. Repeating past mistakes? Letting back in what shouldn't have gotten close. Trying to dance with a ghost. Why am I propping up something that is dead? That never happened? Giving life to a fantasy. The psychological mind fuck of the doppelganger teasing me and taunting me. Setting the trap for a trick knowing I'm thinking this time I'd finally get the treat. Masochistic mind. Beaten heart. Self roped and rigged, tightly bound waiting for the rigger to come release me from his rope; my bondage. Self inflicted burn marks. Seemed tighter this time the closer he came; my body shaking with excitement for the final release and ability to breathe. The years of being bound to a glance, tied to a kiss and strangled by hope; his footsteps coming closer to me sounded like a difference. His eyes looked hungrier from my absence. His mouth filled with new words. And his voice sounded of a believable promise. I'm a sad sweet little rope virgin. Trusted to be tied. Bound and forgotten. I search for the complications in myself that keep me bound. I've had to fight, scratch and claw my way to always be someone's attention; to be someone's number one. He was easy I had very little fight or work to do. I just had him tie me and leave me. This won't be the last. This game is so strong. The rigging is tightly comforting and the suffocation familiar. Bring safety cutters, search for a self release, or use the safe word and tap out. Tapping out isn't giving up it's slowing down the round or cease the play. Then gather self; self respect, self love, self worth and finally finish up with self after care. Until the flip~ Carry on with the looped performance. See we've all got somethin' that we've trapped inside That we try to suffocate you know hoping it dies Try to hold it under water But it always survives Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies You don't relate to that, must not be as crazy I am The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way It's pretty cool right? Yeah, but it's not always safe Just hang with me this will only take a moment okay Just think about it for a second if you look at your face Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great You'll never be great Not because you're not but the hate Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith (Whoo) Profitt, Tommee, and Nate Feuerstein. “The Search.” Spotify, 26 July 2019, open.spotify.com/track/3oLe5ZILASG8vU5dxIMfLY.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |