Here use this for this ride... picked this song as it matched my mood and inspired the post. Hey Nate, how's life? I don't know it's alright I've been dealin' with some things like every human being And really didn't sleep much last night I'm sorry That's fine I just think I need a little me time I just think I need a little free time Little break from the shows and the bus rides Last year I had a breakdown Thoughts tellin me I'm lost gettin too loud Had to see a therapist then I found out Somethin' funny's going on up in my house Yeah started thinkin' maybe I should move out You know pack my cart take a new route Clean up my yard get the noose out Hang up my heart let it air out I've been searchin' What does that mean, Nate? I've been learnin' Grabbin' my keepsakes Leavin' my burdens Well I brought a few with me I'm not perfect Lookin' at the view like this concerns me Pickin' up the cues right? I'm quite nervous Hate it when I lose sight life gets blurry And things might hurt me It's prolly gonna be a long journey but hey! *Just thought I'd throw some stuff away here. Good place as any to hide shit. Stick it here, drown it out amidst some loud looping music. Loop the song the way a memory loops. Replay a fantasy to try to change the outcome. Just as in a looped song the words never change neither will the reality. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. Now that's fucking crazy and worse yet, time has passed. Growth of some sorts should have taken place. So what are we hiding here? Oooh something dramatic and deep. Hang a heart not a moment? How about hang, the fucking heart instead of being hung, by a moment. Sad to glance at myself; can't discern is this a rear view reflection or front view. Repeating past mistakes? Letting back in what shouldn't have gotten close. Trying to dance with a ghost. Why am I propping up something that is dead? That never happened? Giving life to a fantasy. The psychological mind fuck of the doppelganger teasing me and taunting me. Setting the trap for a trick knowing I'm thinking this time I'd finally get the treat. Masochistic mind. Beaten heart. Self roped and rigged, tightly bound waiting for the rigger to come release me from his rope; my bondage. Self inflicted burn marks. Seemed tighter this time the closer he came; my body shaking with excitement for the final release and ability to breathe. The years of being bound to a glance, tied to a kiss and strangled by hope; his footsteps coming closer to me sounded like a difference. His eyes looked hungrier from my absence. His mouth filled with new words. And his voice sounded of a believable promise. I'm a sad sweet little rope virgin. Trusted to be tied. Bound and forgotten. I search for the complications in myself that keep me bound. I've had to fight, scratch and claw my way to always be someone's attention; to be someone's number one. He was easy I had very little fight or work to do. I just had him tie me and leave me. This won't be the last. This game is so strong. The rigging is tightly comforting and the suffocation familiar. Bring safety cutters, search for a self release, or use the safe word and tap out. Tapping out isn't giving up it's slowing down the round or cease the play. Then gather self; self respect, self love, self worth and finally finish up with self after care. Until the flip~ Carry on with the looped performance. See we've all got somethin' that we've trapped inside That we try to suffocate you know hoping it dies Try to hold it under water But it always survives Then it comes up out of nowhere like an evil surprise Then it hovers over you to tell you millions of lies You don't relate to that, must not be as crazy I am The point I'm makin is the mind is a powerful place And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way It's pretty cool right? Yeah, but it's not always safe Just hang with me this will only take a moment okay Just think about it for a second if you look at your face Every day when you get up and think you'll never be great You'll never be great Not because you're not but the hate Will always find a way to cut you up and murder your faith (Whoo) Profitt, Tommee, and Nate Feuerstein. “The Search.” Spotify, 26 July 2019, open.spotify.com/track/3oLe5ZILASG8vU5dxIMfLY.
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I came out of a dream or I was still in a dream state when I had some delicious thoughts; a submissive and the relationship she has with her Dom. The focus could be most of the time about how the Dom knows so much about her, his sub. He understands her likes, her wants, her desires, how far he can push her and what may break her. He knows how to comfort her and can usually see when she needs to be comforted. He even knows her limits well enough he will use the safe word for her when she can't or doesn't. But this 'dream' I had, sheds light for me how she could know him just as well. In a scene she's the good submissive doing as she's told and behaving as expected. But she knows his kinks intimately and can see the exact moment when and how to change the play to benefit him, her Dom. But she does it in a way he doesn't even notice. His subconscious will automatically play his new role. When he realizes what she had done it feeds his primal side and he wants to consume her. The theme song from The Lost Boys movie "Cry Little Sister" was playing in my head upon waking along with these thoughts. The scene was in black and white, maybe even a little grainy. It was night or at the end of dusk in a wooded area with lots of dry brush. Branches and twigs every where. Rolling fog drifting through the trees acting like acoustic panels dampening the loud crunching of leaves from their footsteps. Play felt like a contented repetitive scene; switches leaving soft barely noticeable markings, general dirty talk and light leash leading. and just like that the good sub falls on bended knees And becomes the prey I got the impression he may have let his guard momentarily slip maybe because she dropped to her knees; hence the leash fell. Also felt her heart pounding in her throat at a rapid pace as she made the decision she was going to use this opportunity to run and hide. It was delicious. The power possession she performed. She dutifully behaved as the submissive but then turns it on him by stealing enough control to ignite his primal side when he recognizes a quiet takeover took place. She observed the split second he unconsciously relinquished his power, because of which made him more primal and more hungry for her. Filled him with an overwhelming need to punish her for taking it from him and the desire to consume her to be certain he has all of his power back. I can't stop thinking about him. I faced time with my ex one Saturday night and all I wanted was to be talking with Skippy. I miss his face, his laugh, and the way he fucking looks at me as though I'm his next meal. I miss how he makes me laugh. I hope I get to facetime with him again. It was strange when Skippy and I were ending our facetime, I couldn't hang up. I almost asked him if that was our last time we'd see each other, I had a sinking feeling that we wouldn't facetime again. Likely the last of this sextion; momentarily. Sad, because this shit was hot, hot enough to have me Hanging By A Moment for 20 years. I'm laughing, because the song that just popped on is by Jonny Lang "A Quitter Never Wins". I told him I wouldn't tap out, I'm just slowly taking a couple steps backwards to stand still; to find balance. He knows my situation is over. He knows when I'm heading to my hometown. He knows how to get a hold of me. However, I feel I've cried too much this round. I've shed many tears for this man that I've never been with. I've spent time dreaming, fantasizing and planning; lots of my time, I all too happily used to be just left on read.
I guess I'm too impatient and want to be just told the truth head on, no bullshit. Am I in or am I out? But not getting straight answers I guess is an answer; I just don't want to fucking hear it. He said he wouldn't bail and he hasn't. I said I wouldn't tap out, I'm not. The doom of us, are we the star crossed lovers that won't ever get to be together? Hurts unlike anything. To have met someone that moved me so much: we were never together in a romantic or physical relationship. I can't fathom being with him, hugging him again or being made love to by him; my imagination can't reach that level of intensity. Maybe to not know is better than knowing to only be left with the same unanswered questions. Not having answers, how do I grow? Should I have not shared my site? I am a very sexually intense person and likely even more so now since I haven't had sex in 8 years. Is all of this for naught? Am I being dramatic because he's had a bad day(s) and has been silent? Should I have slowed him down when he was hot and heavy with the sexting initially? Why do I have to have brakes for two because I feel I have to play the game of "drag-this-out-because-you're-likely-to -bail-after-we-play"? Why can't two fucking adults play and keep playing or say "hey I need a break" or "we moved too fast"? My close friend said he could likely have deep feelings for me and I'm giving off a vibe that I just want to play. Told her I want to go deep with him and that he and I should have a conversation about how we feel for each other in person; but can we fuck first? She laughed and said, "See? No." She's right. I do feel like he does want more and this shouldn't be based around sex. I have always wanted more with him. It wasn't just about sex; I feel like there's more to experience with him and I want this, have wanted this. I can't tell if this panic is from old ghosts that ghosted me or my gut trying to talk to me. The feedback I got from the sex book club review party when I spoke of him and our road; nine women were excited saying he and I should be a story. I should be writing about us. I had planned making this whole website journey into one story. Now thinking maybe do something about him and I even if it turns out to be fiction. Hurts, I don't even want his section to have an intermission. Spirit has been guiding me; all signs say to find and hold patience. I'm terrible with patience especially when I feel like the finish line is so fucking close. Yet, I've been at this for 20 years. Hope I can continue this path without self sabotage and self fulfilling prophecy. I will make a pact with the Universe; I will stand still, smile, hug myself and trust fall. I am being read and will be answered. After I reconnected with an old flame, I talked to Mr. Pickle again. However my only thoughts were wishing I was talking to old flame. So, this clearly tells me I'm ready to end this sextion. I hadn't written about Mr. Pickle in awhile anyhow. What we had was good. Should stay and will remain there. Even if flame hadn't entered the picture I had decided it wouldn't work. Mr. Pickle hasn't changed, he says he's drug free but drinks and I'm not into that among other things.
The rekindle was nice but it burnt itself out. Maybe the fuel and ignition was there to begin with, but there isn't any oxygen to sustain itself. I don't have the desire to fan this flame. I don't have the breath in me to resurrect anything. He's my past and no ill will just hope he has the life he wants. My 28 year old self should smile knowing when she was drinking heavily because of a broken heart from him that he wasn't the one that got away. My soul has found peace from this release. I wake. I'm in an elevator. Looks like I'm going down. Light in elevator is low. Elevator is shaking slightly while my heart is racing with anticipation. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what will be waiting for me when it stops and the doors open. Hands shaking. I lick my my lower lip before biting it to keep it from quivering. Hands are hot. My legs are weak with fear. Seems the dim lighting grows darker with each descending floor. I look down at my shoes. Red shiny heels; sexy laces wrapped up to and around my small ankles. Smooth bare legs. Up mid thigh, a skirt. My hips and ass, hugged by a cotton semi flared short black skirt. White buttoned up work blouse is buttoned up to my throat; no sight of swelling cleavage. Shirt covering a black laced bra with peek-a-boo red satin cups filled with spilling breasts; eager to be freed. Deep breaths quicken when I glance at my reflection in the control panel. My bright mermaid red hair pulled back on one side leaving a piece hanging softly next to my cheek. Bangs hanging slightly hiding my nervous eyes. I bite my lower lip again. My lips are a perfect shade of dark red matte, full and unable to keep still. My full dark lashes framing my soft muted blue eyes. Pupils wide and wild as my adrenaline is pumping through my veins. I'm scared. I have no sense of where I am. I have no idea where I am being lead to. I have no clue what or who will be there when the doors slide open. Even more fear courses through me, what if no one is there to guide me. Direct me. Explain to me what is going on. How long will I be left alone? With that thought, I jerk at the sound of the bell marking my arrival. The elevator makes it's final slight bounce locking into place before opening the doors. I shudder at the feeling I have just been delivered. Sent to whom? Commissioned for what? Heart pounding, I brush my sweaty hands across my hips adjusting my skirt. Clasping my hands behind my back I try to control the visible shaking that is starting to transpire. My terrified mind now has spread it's fear to my body. I feel as my body betraying me; shaking with fear yet I feel my panties getting wet. I hear the elevator light flickering as the doors begin to pull open; lights adjusting. The rubber from the doors making a slight suction pop as they spread slowly apart. Presenting. Like curtains at a performance; a show is about to begin. Sliding ever so slowly, wider, I see dim lights reflecting off of shiny tiled marbled floor. Gold flecks in the tiles sparkle. Dark reflective shadows in the floor appear as my eyes are scanning for movement. None. My heart pounding in my chest as the doors are now opened wide somehow telling me it's time. Time to leave the comfort of the defined four walls, ceiling and floor out into the unknown. I pull what strength I have to force my legs to move forward. My heels clicking softly as I cross with trepidation over the threshold. My clasped hands now moved to the sides of me, fidgeting with my skirt and wiping any wetness from my palms. As I slowly walk out of the elevator I can feel how wet I am. My panties providing no shelter for my inner thighs as they too are getting smeared from my pussy deceiving me. Fear is seducing me, pulling me. I am starting to fill with a need. I stop suddenly as I hear footsteps coming towards me unsure from which direction as I am facing a wall and either side of me is open. I can't gauge which direction the echoes of the slow with intent footsteps are coming from. I turn my head to the left. I see an open lobby, I'm in a hotel. Front desk is empty. No one is here. My heart drops to my stomach, when I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. My knees start to buckle at the thought the instant I turn my head to my right shoulder I will see who called for me. I turn my chin down with my eyes to my feet as he pulls his hand away. I can feel his body heat resonating eager to get at me and fill me. He comes close purposefully invading my space making me move; backwards. My heartbeat and heels are ticking as I walk backwards; head down and back into the elevator. I recognize these hands as they are now placed on my hips guiding me back. He walks me backwards to the back elevator wall. Now I'm flush with the wall, pinned. Elevator speakers, have been quietly in the background with instrumental music which now fades to a recognizable song: I'll let you show me his moves Let you do what he taught you Let you reminisce how you used to do Girl, I'm open to anything that'll get you into that zone And understand that we're all alone So you can slowly take off your clothes Baby girl, you know what's in store The song begins to fill me, while his hands on are still on my hips; he's waiting. Paused for my rapid breathing and racing heart to slow a bit. Just to build me up again. My head still down, I have an idea who has summoned me. My excited thoughts making it difficult for me to catch my breath. He patiently waits. I hold in my breath and slowly release. Relaxing my breath. Slowing my heartbeat. Baby I will stay up all night I've been goin' hard since last night And I'ma go harder tonight Wish you could see you through my eyes Oh, I'm telling you this ain't the same And I know he's still in your brain I'm 'bout to burn that shit into flames Once I'm in you, baby whoa His left hand remains pushed up against my right hip. He slides his right hand up, brushing gently across my breast making both breasts swell with a desperation to be freed from being bound in the bra. My breath, I'm losing again as his hand finds his way back down to the side of my thigh. He slides his hand up under my skirt. Slowly traces up the side of my thigh pulling my skirt up, exposing my black laced red satin panties. He gently pulls at the waistband of my panties. My pussy aches as he quickly pulls back his hand; the tug was to tease. I hurt. My head still down, his hand comes back up and he lays it across my chest just under my chin. My heart pounds when he places his fingers under my chin. My heart feels as though it will burst from anticipation. The butterflies in my stomach vibrate violently frantically needing to be released. Lifting my head, my eyes well up with tears as my eyes match his. I knew it was him. Relieved it was him. He pulls my arms up over my head and takes both of my small wrists in one hand pushing me hard up against the wall. His other hand comes down to grab hold of my face pulling it up as he leans down to kiss me so I would forget. Forget what you know (whoa, whoa, whoa) Make yourself at home (ooh) 'Cause baby when I'm finished with ya You won't wanna go outside Montagnese, Carolo, et al. “Outside.” Spotify, 1 Jan. 2012, open.spotify.com/track/1yhDPgIPGoe3Bf8wRsK4u7.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |