Writing has been cathartic. I likely would've lost my mind sooner~
Earlier this week, I was triggered to a flashback. A memory I had forgotten. A traumatic experience. I don't even think I ever brought it up in therapy or shared with a psychiatrist. Tucked away in the furthest corners of my mind, out it came; full force. I hope kidnapping doesn't trigger you, or forced sexual acts do not bring about uncomfortable feelings. What or how my memory was jostled doesn't matter. I want to dive into my forgotten past. Explore it. Are there kinks in me because of the incident? Did I lose kinks because it would cause PTSD? I was in my early 20's when this took place. My boyfriend didn't want to go out dancing with me, as he never did so I went without him and met my friends. We went to a club I normally didn't go to but wanted to check out. There I met a bouncer. He was watching me pretty much the entire time I was in the club. Low lighting, loud music and me gyrating. Watching me dance. I love to dance, more than I love being watched. And I like being watched a lot; exhibitionist in me though really likes to dance. For hours he watched and I danced. I watched him watch me. Soon it was the end of the evening last call was made then the lights went up. He finally approached me introducing himself asking if we could get out of there together. I said no, I have my friends with me. He said even better let's all hang out including some of his friends. Destination: Denny's. We all ordered breakfast and enjoyed each other's company talking about the night's events. My friend and I laughed while disclosing how we give each other a code to let the other know whether or not we are interested in a guy. We used fake names. If I introduced her as Tina, which was not her name, she understood I was not interested in the guy I was talking to or dancing with. She would then either become my lesbian girlfriend or just annoying. Even more funny to watch him and his friends verify our names. We finished our meals and discussed possible future hang outs. He paid my and my girlfriend's checks then walked us all out to the parking lot. His friends took off ahead of us and left. My very good friend and I were the last to enter our vehicles. He was attractive and I hoped he was attracted to me. When he caressed my arm as my friend said she was leaving I felt he did like me. She hesitated and looked at him while asking if I was okay. I smiled, said I was good she can go and motioned for her to get out of here. I unlocked my Jeep and he held my door open for me. I saw my friend was in her car next to me, smiled and waved goodbye to her. At which point I was hoping for a kiss from him or even a little driver seat make out session. She pulled out of the parking lot leaving just him and I. He leaned in and I happily received his lips, his mouth and his tongue. I began shivering from the cold and shaking with excitement. I started my Jeep to crank up my heater which didn't work that well. He pulls back to say, "It's too cold let's just sit in my truck for a few minutes to warm you up before you leave." My gut was telling me otherwise; but why not? I hurriedly ran through my list of why it would be okay: he paid for our meals, I know where he works, met his friends, talked about getting together again, and he seemed like a nice person. I jumped out and climbed in his truck as he held the door open for me. See he's a gentleman. He hopped in the driver's side and immediately started the truck. My heart plummeted. He could read something in me grew concerned, he assured me it's just to get the heater warmed up. Okay, I sigh slightly with relief. My feet were freezing and killing me from my high heeled boots; the heater felt nice. I wanted another kiss, my heart was pounding. I was aching for another kiss or a make out session. I'll sit here for a few more minutes. To hurry this up, I smile and mention, "I need to go soon." Hopefully it would trigger him to give me another kiss. Worked. He leaned over to kiss me but then locked the door behind me. The very second I looked questioningly at him he pops the truck in reverse; tires screeching and we leave the parking lot. I'm so confused. Panicked, I tell him I have to get home my boyfriend is expecting me to call him. He replied, "There is no boyfriend you're lying." My refuting there in fact is a boyfriend and the boyfriend is going to be pissed, fell on deaf ears. Everything felt to be in slow motion yet how was it possible it was also flying by so rapidly; too fast I couldn't think. I despondently glance at my aching feet in high heeled boots silently praying for nothing to break on me. At the red light I plan to jump out. I'm talking loudly to him, telling him I needed to get back, for him to not notice that I unlocked the door. I start to pull back the handle readying myself for a jump. Oddly, this isn't my first time needing to jump from a moving vehicle. Years prior I had my sisters on my lap when my dad drove drunk on a river embankment. I was thinking we'd have to jump or he'd kill us by driving over the embankment into the river. Back in his truck I pull the handle while noticing the traffic light is turning yellow, this is likely my one and only chance to escape. He notices what I'm doing and leans over and slams the door tight. He begins yelling at me, "What, you were going to jump in those shoes and think I wouldn't come back around and get you?" My eyes well up from tears. I've never been so scared in my life. My attempt to escape made him angry. He snatched my keys from me, rolled his window down, and screamed, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO WITHOUT THESE?" I began to sob and plead with him to not hurt me. Chilled to the bone and startled when he began to laugh. Something I just did triggered something in him, a monster. He grew more delighted the more scared I became. With tears streaming down my face, the mascara began stinging my eyes. Thoughts in my brain were going a million miles an hour. Racing. Thoughts of my family. How did I get here? Why aren't these people in their cars helping me? What is going to happen? I was so afraid. He could see the fear rising in me; his laughter got louder, he even began to appear larger. I quickly changed tactics as I went into survival mode automatically. I tried to get tough. I demanded my keys back. My heart leaped out of my chest. With a confident tone I said, "Give me my keys, and take me back to my Jeep now." With my keys in his hand hanging out of the window, he slowly pulled his arm inside the truck. My heart pounding with anticipation as it worked. With one hand on the steering wheel the other holding my keys he smiles as he begins to hand them to me. As I reach to grab them he pulls his hand back, laughs and slides them down his pants. Neither he nor I bought into my attempt. Manically he laughs while licking his lips and with a sinister grin says, "Come and get them. While you're down there take my dick out and suck on it." My heart is hurting as adrenaline begins to flood my system. This is the moment I have feared. I'm thinking I may not make it out alive. "Be nice and I'll take you safely back to your Jeep." He coldly declares as he unzips his fly reaches in and pulls out his dick which bobs free from his pants. I look at it and think, oh my god, this is where I'm going to get raped isn't it? Is he then going to kill me? Can I fight here? Bite him? Will that cause us to crash? Would I survive a crash if I'm bent over? Within milliseconds tens of these thoughts are flying at me in my head all the while I was staring blankly at his dick. I look up and his eyes meet mine. He sees me contemplating; likely, about sucking him off. His eyes fall to my mouth staring at my lips. Now his thoughts are possibly wrapped up and contained with thoughts of my warm, wet mouth and tongue wrapped around his cock. There. He stopped smiling. He dropped his smile because now I can detect he's busy picturing me sucking him off. Here it is. Now. It's clear; he dropped the reigns. He's lost control. I now am wrestling with my anger at the unfair physical advantage he has over me; it takes everything in me now to not want to strike him or bite him when I'm on his prick. I instead am going to choke the life out of him with these metaphorical reigns that he mistakenly dropped. I pick them up and prepare for play. Unbeknownst to me I automatically went from victim and stepped into a new role. I took the reigns maybe the way a dominatrix might fling around a bullwhip. I gathered myself, wiped the tears and I smiled, slyly. Stupid prick. Yes, his weakness. I see you clearly now. Hello ego. With tears gone, I primped my hair and hiked my skirt. Wanted to present myself to him properly then I turn to face him. In a softened voice, I ask him if this is what he was thinking about all night while watching me dance. I angle myself over him above his crotch and in a breathy voice I ask, "Did you like watching me? Now you want me don't you?" I gently grabbed his dick and placed it in my mouth. Thinking, I hope this doesn't make me hate cocks or blow jobs. With my mouth on him he's having a hard time driving. He's really losing control. I take my keys from between his legs. I come up off of him and start licking his neck while I slip my hand down to cup his balls. He swerves again. I softly giggle and say, "Easy you're going to get us into trouble." He wants me. I've got him but is it where I need him to be to get me back unharmed; I test it out. "If you can control yourself we'll make a day of it." He promptly responds by telling me he's going to take me to the mall to buy me panties and matching bras (maybe why I don't like wearing sets). He wants to dress me up and then keep fucking me. My fear is slowly starting to return as I feel like I just gave him permission to keep me. Desperately trying to figure out where is this line that I can't cross and lose this control? I firmly reply, "Yes, I want nothing more. Make me your pretty present. Wrap me up then fuck me all day into the night." I felt my confidence building. His eyes lit up wildly; he turns and flashes a fake smile. He knows. I crossed the line. His voice grew deep when he said, "Yeah not so easy, you're going to suck it first." With a handful of my hair he grabs the back of my head and slams me down on his cock. I gag from surprise. I choke down his dick. Without hesitation he blew a load in my mouth while telling me we're going to buy pretty clothes then go to his house to fuck all day and fuck me some more to make sure I can't walk. After catching his breath, he loosens his grip and gently lifts my head up. He relaxes. Smiling, I tell him this sounds like fun. He looks at me with a genuine smile. With his cum dripping down my face I lift the front of my blouse, "Look at me I'm a mess now." I coo softly, "I want our first time together after I have showered. I really should shave my legs and my feet are likely swollen from being in the boots all night." I say a silent prayer before adding, "Please take me back and I'll meet you at your place this morning after a quick change in time for the mall to open. I want to check out Fredrick's of Hollywood anyway." He quizzically looks at me, and asks if I was trying to get away from him. I smile softly, "No, come on now, you didn't enjoy yourself? I did, and now you owe me one please. But I do need a shower desperately." He nodded his head, yes and said we need to get me back to my Jeep. I held my breath. I refused to let my guard down though, this isn't over yet. He pulled into the Denny's parking lot while he's still describing to me all his plans and events. Such the gentleman as he placed his hand on the small of my back and walked me back to my Jeep. He held the door open for me and told me to take his number. My hands shaking, I fumbled for paper and pen barely remembering how to write numbers. I managed to scribble his phone number down. Still with my guard up I'm beginning to feel more at ease with each passing second; he'll be gone soon. He leaned in to kiss my cheek. I flashback to how this all started. He pulls back and whispers in my ear slowly reciting my Jeep license plate number then states, "I work for the DMV, so don't make me come get you." My heart stopped while my shaking commenced. I inhaled deeply. With a quivering voice told him to not be silly that I will call him after my shower. I added I did have to go check on my boyfriend. Frightened, I may push something I stopped talking. He throws me a fake smile and shuts my door. I started my Jeep and calmly backed out of the parking spot. Since he parked next to me I backed out enough to get his license plate number. He's smiling, waving at me while leaned up against his truck, his license plate blocked by his legs. I pull out of the parking lot making a right towards the light. I'm praying for a green light so fearful he will change his mind and suddenly grab me. The light is green. My eyes are filling with tears, so much so I can't see; the road is blurry. I don't care I keep moving forward. My aftercare? My boyfriend didn't believe me until I showed him the police report, at which point he blamed me for even going to the club. I begged my boyfriend to please come stay the next few nights with me because I was scared the guy would come get me. My boyfriend said the dude likely lied and since I created this mess I need to deal with it alone. I called the guy's work and told them of the incident and gave them the police report. This wasn't this guy's first time doing this. I doubt it was his last. I had a little guilt while processing my emotions writing this piece. I was getting aroused writing about the blow job. Guilt dissipated because my arousal was about the sexual relevance not the context; this is arousal non-concordance. The split second where I recognized he dropped his guard and I snatched power back, arouses me immensely. If I had this desire prior I hadn't noticed but I notice now I get turned on when I can see an opportunity to take control from a man. I even feel like my younger self would appreciate this possibly new found arousal. This incident thankfully did not alter my desire for cock worship; no problem loving on dicks or was I hating blow jobs. There were no safe words and certainly received zero after care. Non consensual. The incident did nothing to my kinks involving primal/prey fantasies I still have them. I know immediately after I stopped discussing the desire of being tied up with my boyfriend. But that was because I saw the dysfunction of my relationship with him and my attraction to him waned greatly. Boyfriends after him didn't share the same kinks or was open enough so I didn't have an opportunity to explore rape or cnc fantasies or play to decide if the incident ruined me. This guy left a mark but he didn't scar me.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |