My test. I am learning a great deal in compassion for self and others as well as releasing judgement. I am reminding myself about others having stories. In particular my ex. I live on his property. He provides me now with conditional access to his shower and to sleep in his house if it is too cold outside. His messages lately to me I observe are very detailed oriented to stories of his. The more I don't deny nor confirm the more detailed he becomes about his stories. I see where his focus is, control or now lack thereof.
I was told if I have special circumstances, I am to not get ready in his house it makes him uncomfortable. If I am sleeping in his house, I am not to leave his house. This makes him uncomfortable when I go out at night. He reminds me this is his house, and he is putting up his boundaries. Even weeks ago, this conversation would have had me crash into a state depression or panic with anxiety. However, I see his stories, the details he puts into his thoughts and more importantly I see his need to have control over his feelings. The difficult feelings that make him uncomfortable he has to control, becomes prevention rather than processing. He thinks controlling people, me specifically by not going out at night, prevents these difficult feelings from happening. I am not his person to help him regulate his feelings. I tried this almost 10 years ago when I told him to go to therapy. He refused saying nothing was wrong with him. In his eyes because I want the divorce this is all my fault. I am releasing my old stories of trying to convince and remind him I wanted to leave no stone unturned helping our relationship years ago. I am releasing my stories that I need to show him what his thoughts are doing and how he is stuck in his thoughts. I am releasing my stories of panic because he is emotionally unstable. Releasing stories, I may lose myself or he in fact still has control over me. Instead, I am in a learning space to continue to remind myself to hold compassion for myself while I transition from my old stories. To remain aware and see others' stories and now to not judge their thoughts nor my own. Cultivate curiosity and observe. I am approaching my 10 years mark, no, I will rephrase, I am approaching 10 years, not 'my' mark but it has been 10 years since I had cock invited inside me, my divine sexual space. I see maybe I have been in a panic of wanting to get laid, needing pussy sex because I did not want to say I went 10 years without it. I feared it wouldn't happen again, that I wouldn't have sex as I was too much in my head with thoughts. Judgment. Fear. I too had lack of control fears. I invite myself to sit without judgement. Instead, be with compassion. You are safe.
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Today is technology free Tuesday, aside from writing for my blog that’s it. I messaged him yesterday, I was super stressed and wanted to get out of my head and give him head. Sunday night I misunderstood and thought we would have a session; I became so worked up, I crashed hard with disappointment. What the actual fuck? Disappointed to not have sucked dick? Yes, as a good worshipper of course I felt disappointed! As I observe a lot lately, I have an increasing desire for physical intimacy mixed with sexual creativity through an emotional connection; a deep kink is what I am craving. Upset a little, that I am hard up for a, could I say shallow connection, but, I feel sometimes we connect physically deeply. So would this be a low vibrational connection? Again, I sometimes feel we ‘vibe’ hard, high and intensely.
Then what is this? It is surface stuff. Barely scratching the surface, feels safe to me. I don’t want safe surface scratching, I want dangerous deep diving! Say what I see until I see what I say. I am feeling very much a side piece, not even friends with benefits or maybe it is, just not in the friends sense but rather friendly with benefits. Sometimes I daydream of being his friend and wonder what that is like; likely dreaming about fucking him, wait, I do that anyway! I have even wondered what he was like “in love”. I bet he was full of fire, intense, hot and angry- not in a negative sense. So we are below a fwb and we are friendly with benefits, cockworship benefits in that regard. I’m scared, a part of me is growing tired of this safe surface shit and I may start shutting down. What is the difference between shutting down and just matching energy? No, I would end things before I shut down because that would just be wasting each other’s time. I wouldn’t be able to cock worship him if I was shutting down. Maybe because I am seeing I am able to unattach, or remain unattached from another sexually, this is upsetting the core of who I thought I was, especially with him. He enjoyed my worship last session as did I. And it was the only session I purposely sat in my jeep and watched him leave. I sat with my feelings of watching him ‘leave me’ and what if he never returned. I was “ok”. He just messaged me via the toy app. His ability to contact me via the topy app on Tuesdays, I had referred to as a loophole, he called it an essential cockworship side channel. Side channel spurred thoughts about me feeling like he’s my side piece. My heart felt a little sting because “essential” is not a priority feeling I have so readily any longer. I keep the toy app open but close everything else. Examine. Why? Maybe I want to only connect through sex with him? It’s the only app that is just ‘us’, with no other friends, co workers, nor past or current potentials meaning the dating apps. However, I still use my phone either text messages or phone calls with people that actually have my phone number. A punishment because he doesn’t have my phone number, he’s never asked for it so who is being punished? I look forward to him having to ‘chase’ me down. I look forward to having a break from him. Yes, maybe all of these and all at once even. We had a conversation about why I like submission, he says it’s part of the DNA. Agree, but when he pushes me down forcefully onto my stomach and he’s over me on top of me, I really zone out; I reach subspace very quickly. This feeling of submitting isn’t just an overpowering feeling because of his strength and I’m at his mercy, it’s because I feel the primal nature underneath the surface. I’m weak with resistance, setting myself aside in merciful anticipation waiting to see how much smashing through shallow surface tension there will be, mine and his. Surface tension in science, causing particles to stick together so objects float, not sinking or diving underneath. I see it as too much thought, rather than being with feeling. Surface tension as a way of protection? My craving of deep diving with another is to explore the dangerous areas of feelings, emotional intimacy and kink. This is not available to side pieces, lacking emotional connections. I’m moving towards letting go that he is my deep dive. I can be happy and enjoy the safe shallow surface play still; I enjoyed our last session. No judgement about shallow, it’s still a lovely location. No judgement either with how badly I crashed from disappointment not being able to worship him Sunday night. Even though I am very open to deep diving with another, I can remain aware this deep diving is essentially about myself. I am still learning a lot about myself now, later another may cum. My submission is my body and mind My surrendering unto you means you have my heart too Until the flip... He can't have her wake up to consciousness because then she'd realize he was no fucking wizard, just a fucking little man hiding. Oz was her creation. ISO: A lion, tell me you're fucking scared, your vulnerability shows me your strength!
I am BOTH the good witch and the fucking wicked witch- give me the space for both of my sides, allow me to fly and I will help guide you down the yellow brick road for healing and promise to wear my hair in braids and red high heels too! ....I reactively, wrote this out of anger, frustration, and fucking fear that I have pulled back the curtain and it's been me all along; the projections. I don't mind little men, it's the little minds I mind; they fucking see me see them, so just fucking stop, stand still, and self actualize with me; I promise I don't bite unless you like. I will let you bite me instead! November 5 of No nutt...nuthing...November EAT. emotional admittance terminated. :)
A picture of a sign reading, “Stay off the Animals Thank You!” funny, means there was enough animal on activity to necessitate a sign to say keep off of them! Oh wow I fucking found the session our blindfolds were removed! Fucking hot and ahhhh makes my heart smile when I remember. He had me remove mine and saw him blindfolded but then had me look up at the stars and the moon. I smiled, it was a pretty night. Then he had me bring my head down to look at him, no blindfold. I remember I could feel his momentary nervousness and my heart warmed for his vulnerability. Session 16 it was maybe I will post. Ah another memory was his highlights- something of a rarity will he share but this time he said the only thing on his highlights was that he remembered how happy I looked when I looked up at the stars. When I retold my friend this I was crying a bit, happy tears my heart was smiling and asked her why she thought I was happy crying, she said because I felt seen. Yes. Finally seen literally with the removal of blindfolds but seen by him. Ugh. Still working on organizing all the writing of sessions. Discovered another gem! Well the time he gave me gifts, a dried up jeep sticker it was a regift something about jeeps are for girls- not my thing the girlie part and the toy! BUT I remembered he used to scold me or have serious talks with his dick in my mouth...lol. I don’t know why he stopped. Sphincter Spasms. Sitting here most of the day organizing the hours of cockworship caused my asshole to spaz. Now my mind is going with it. I didn’t word vomit thankfully. Just spent too much time editing videos of my worship on a large candy cane and video clip of my tits. Being in my toxic environment, I really can’t keep my head on straight. I can’t relax, I’m constantly reminded this is emotionally unsafe here. Play partner that feels more than just play to keep reminding me this is to keep it hot. Maybe if I could get a fucking cup filled I would feel stronger, safer and more connected with others; my anxious brain could take a rest. Whelp. I jumped. I’m tired of shit. Nothing November empty shell; I over share for those that use it against me or for those that haven't anything in return. Another experiment with few; I am glass, semi opaque with enough reflection you mistake me but it’s really you. Seemingly empty but again what is of me and mine are only your projections. I seem cold until you hold me in your hands.
We all project so why do I keep interjecting myself anywhere. Suck’tober sucked. Not a lot of sucking. Now no nutt November is here and this will be a random space with a lot of explanations or none at all. May make sense to a few or no one. This is my space to come to, a place for me to open up, to share and express all that I want. No expectations because really no one is here. I no longer feel dumb and don’t mind the crickets that are here. I will water my own plant, not the one you said we were to share because I feel I maybe over watering and I’m drained. I’m starting late November 4th, and I wanted an orgasm today but the one he gave me last night with the remote toy sufficed. So no nutt can commence. Alliteration. I could not cum up with “N”, so I will not impart my parts on another, mainly remain a shell and see how the month turns out; no nutt nothing November. Let others water. Nutt here essentially means nut, for nothing. And surprised he came back with a message for a round 2! I'm not sure what that meant I usually unplug the toy, turn phone off and marinate with yummy after orgasm thoughts. I wonder if he really meant another round and maybe play with him this time too. I don't know and been so long since he and I had phone sex together. Usually it's just me that cums and then I go because that's it for the conversation. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |