“...spontaneity is a myth, committed sex is premeditated sex, it’s willful, it’s intentional, it’s focus and presence.” Esther Perel“
I would like another ‘crack’ at a long term relationship. In the last 6 years I have done a lot of work and a lot of growth; in relationships is where I learn best, reveal, heal and release old stories. I’m driven to find a certain type of partnership, open to finding who would help attain the partnership I desire. I’m very excited to write this down, it feels like I’m casting a spell! Sexual chemistry is a must, because sex motivates me. Sex is play and it is where I have been hurt and is a vulnerable place for me. Sex is a place we go, not this thing we try to do weekly. It's where we explore and share new parts of ourselves; exploring, experimenting and playing. Also necessary is compatibility. Here we genuinely want to know the other and learn of ourselves in this space. Presence, without it we’re just on autopilot not connecting learning another’s internal experience. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist specializing in human relationships, has a great ted talk about creating longevity in relationships. Through her work she discovered that there are 3 influences that draw partners to each other.
I’m a natural sub, guided by and leaning onto a self actualizing Dom type; not codependent rather interdependent. The relationship will be a 51/49; with myself as the 49, you will always have the deciding vote if you choose. This helps eliminate a lot of power struggles that usually take place in relationships. The undertone of the relationship is always D/s. As in bdsm there is a safe word to halt or slow a scene. I would like in this partnership an “escape word” to switch from vanilla life immediately into play. This does not necessarily mean intercourse or straight sexual play right away, although that’s not ruled out, it's connecting and remembering the reason we’ve come together; because of play and chemistry. What would an agreed core value(s) for the relationship look like? Enm- ethically non-monogamous, something I am open to exploring with the right emotionally intelligent, transparent partner with current and history disclosure. And open to exploring a monogam’ish dynamic Spirituality is important. Personal development and growth is a must; a conscious partner. This space is safe for mistakes and differences are allowed. Conflict is safe. What does a disagreement agreement look like to you? In agreement the relationship is slightly more important than ourselves individually. We are not becoming one, we are parallel recognizing we are greater together. We have friends of the opposite gender, inside and outside of the relationship. Time apart; short and long amounts. Genuine desire to know and see the other in their happy places, open heart. Keeping the play/sex a priority, learning new things about ourselves, each other and of the relationship. This partnership is physical and emotional connectedness. A place to lean on in difficult times, to share wins, individual and relationship growth, a safe space full of ebbing and flowing, to introspect, caring and most important play. It evolves as we both grow. "...love consists of this; two solitudes protect, border and greet each other." Rainer Maria Rilke This means when I meet you I come with stories but I greet you with a vulnerable honest space sharing these with you. I share to not hurt nor trigger. I am the safe space for your honesty and vulnerability; I don't scare easily nor run from difficulty. I remain myself. You remain you. Not blending nor losing ourselves, but actually experiencing each other with awareness to not project; individual solitudes. I’m looking for another spirit living in their weirdness, able to accept and appreciate mine just as I accept and appreciate his weirdness!
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I'm really annoyed and my body is feeling anxious. I feel I need to sit and just cry stuff out. I listen to a podcast about relationships and today it's fucking annoying the fuck out of me. I have a strong desire to see myself in a healthy loving partnership, I'm envious to hear of others with this, afraid I will not have a chance. I think having been sick this week, I've been off my routines. I am not feeling grounded. Today is a cuddle day, I declare~
Just you and I in togetherness eye gazing Yet in our separateness, there is no talking Just full of smiles and looks and touches and hugs Hands on hearts Naps all day So mote it be! The sun is shining and it is fucking beautiful.
There is a lovely gentle vibrational hum in my body oscillating from root to throat. A low hum, like the slow drag of a bow against the taut strings on a cello. I'm sinking into this feeling, something or someone is coming. Phone vibrates. I look down to see it is our app that we communicate through, it is him. I answer the phone with baited breath for the sound of his voice, also a delicious low hum that vibrates my core, more importantly my cunt. Slow deep inhalation through my nose, deliberately I answer curtailing my excitement, "Hello. Yes, Sir?" He doesn't often call and never, well, albeit years ago when we first met, does he call me during the morning hours. Butterflies form in my now warm belly. I can hear the slow calculated inhalation of his breath readying with full purpose to say something. His pause, means business. I tremble slightly. I can hear the subtle wetness click from the tongue leaving the roof of his mouth as he beings to speak, "Good morning. Be a good girl and meet me at our usual spot in 2 hours. Dress for an easy hike, Level 2 type. We're going to be in our bodies, enjoying the company while taking in the beautiful scenery." After a breathy pause, I can hear on him a grin forming, "or is it, taking in the company, while enjoying the beautiful scenery with our bodies." He lets out a breath. "Now." The app disconnects. That is my cue to start the timer, to not be late. My mind is a scrambled mess of excitement from sexual arousal, confusion and pure elation. Daytime. And a vanilla activity. Neither of which has this dynamic seen. I can feel my heart and my pussy pulsating. Reaching for my play bag carrying play essentials of lube, a cord, small whip, wipes, lip balm, condoms, anal plug, anal lube and vibrators, I also grab my pack. Years ago he said to have on hand gloves and knee pads, I had placed these items in a backpack with other essentials for an easy hike. Shaking, I change my clothes from my sweats into a sexy comfortable outfit comprising of black thong panties, that incidentally now are getting wet and the favorite powder pink demi bra that has my breasts spilling over eager for his touch. Completing the outfit: form fitting yoga pants, a deep v black shirt, and I top it with a tight zip up fleece jacket that further pushes my breasts together, accentuating a deep slit perfect for fingers or for cock to fit. Keys in hand and a last primp at the mirror. I take in my soft waist length long straight wine colored hair that is ready for his yanking. Suddenly an insatiable hunger to masturbate washes over me, a need to release some of this sexual tension. Instead, I decide I will sit on my vibrator, a slow pulsing while driving to our location; preparing myself to be delivered wet and swollen, edged, ready for him and his daytime hike. This was from session #59 Still in a high yummy state after an almost 2.5 hour cock worship the other night. I will make my usual highlights later but I have thoughts about my session during this afterglow.
I am so horny right now as I am writing, I can cum again, and will. Societal and religious conditioning really had me always focusing on an 'end'. Lead a good life now and salvation in the end. I dated to find someone to marry and have a family; the end. Always an ending, an end result. Not enough or any focus or teaching me how to just be and enjoy people. To enjoy the experience I have when I share my time and attention with another. Last night I really did let go of any end. It was our second play since his return from a 6 week trip. The first session a few days ago, I was excited and getting reacquainted with his legs, his balls and his cock. Almost lost myself to the ‘excitement’ of missing him and cockworship. Last night however, I was in body with my attention on our energies together, fully receptive to the experience. I wasn't in past thoughts of how much I missed him nor in future thoughts of the discomfort I could experience if I no longer worshipped his cock. I was so fully present, time was becoming non-existent to me or became less linear. I’ve never experienced sex magick or ritualist sex but feel maybe that was close to it. It was a dual experience; an out of body and in body experience for me. It was as if my divine being was recognizing and appreciating his divine being by creating a chemical and energetic reaction with our earthly bodies. Fucking beautiful! My brain, however, is still wanting to hold onto some end wanting to create certainty. So what if in our session I felt a duality just like an out of body and in body experience. But using the concept of time I can help the brain remove the worries of endings and uncertainties. Jumbling up time I can purposely create and recreate the imprinting of a memory; I’m already in my future looking back to my past. So when I go to my play sessions, I'm looking fondly back to my past reminding myself to enjoy the present. There is no ending, it’s me always creating. In play, when I know he’s close to cumming, I start to think about when our next play will happen as the current one is ending. However, as I found my thoughts beginning to drift down that path again, I pulled myself back and welcomed the experience of him; receiving him and enjoying this moment. It was as if my future self was reminding me to be still. Stay seated the ride is now; sit and swallow. Swallow, I did a few times as he shot a hot load that hit the back of my throat and filled my mouth! I was fully present feeling the hotness of his cum explode down my throat. I am right now whispering thoughts of “Good girl” for being and having been so fully present enjoying the experience! #38 12/29/20 38 swallows
As the dutiful suc (submissive under consideration) I keep track of days, times, places, sessions, swallow number and amount of time...currently almost 64 hours. Wow! 64 hours of my life has been mostly on my knees for Him. Worshiping His cock. He had me to, initially and sometimes still, write and document our play sessions. I may even put together an anthology. This is one of the nights that I almost did not save and one I had difficulties with because of my filters that are in my head skewing reality. It was a really good connected session I want to share...I omitted personal information but otherwise left the document in it’s raw form unless I felt a need to add an explanation for the reader….but here is a glimpse into our play sessions. ~~~ Wow. Lucky girl, double header….good girl, suc I am lucky! I was busy finishing last night’s assignment and had the toy on my clit for about an hour when I heard the chime….it’s pavlov reacting now, that chime. I hear it and my pussy clenches or if I don’t have the toy on/in I’m scrambling to find it! Network issues. You drop off then come back asking me if I remembered what the name of two games played back to back is; double header. Then asked if I showered….I’m getting my hopes up. Pants on I like unwrapping my gift. (He more often than not is nude from the waist down-quick easy access this way, however with my asmr I love hearing sounds and love touching different fabrics and the contrast between fabrics and flesh and the fuck it’s like unwrapping my gift when he’s dressed!) You noticed handle bars back (He calls my pigtails His handlebars) Scent...even after having you the previous night, when I entered your car and the wall of your scent hit me, I reacted the same as if I had been away from you for days; this surprised me. You want to try something- I'm going to almost domme you, initiate, use you for cock worship. Funny because after I left our previous play I said aloud while driving home, “I want to seduce him.” I kept you in your pants for a while, playing with my senses; dialed down deeply (oy like that alliteration!) feeling divot-like sensations while slowly dragging my fingertips across your pants. Ears perking up to listen to the sounds my fingers on the gift wrap were making… Lots of slow licks, sucks and kisses doing my favorites; while writing this my mouth now comes alive seemingly with muscle memory of my mouth lightly on your tip, my lips barely touching as I pull off and slide back on. Using your cock to massage my mouth, feather touch my tongue and lightly brush against my lips... Very vocal Oh god You said you saw God I set out in the universe I wanted to ‘seduce’ you. Use you. My boobs all over you blindfolded again (for about 4 or 5 months every time we played we were blindfolded including the first time we met) My energy with your cock, I wasn’t with Godcock, I wasn’t with ‘cock’....I felt I was with you and your masculinity...ahhh delicious feeling to fully be open, receiving. Enjoying the ‘beauty of man’, a man- you. My feminine energy was desiring to give you the space to embrace your masculine essence and be fully in my permission embracing reactions, yours and mine. I have a female friend that knows just a little surface information about my writing but that’s it. I shield myself when I see or talk with her because her being is filled with negativity towards men, overgeneralized ideas and assumptions. I see a lot now on ‘this side’ how I too had been filled with an us versus them mentality. That invisible line will never bring people together. Last night while in my comfortable space, it just felt really good to not have those thoughts. To be enveloped in your energy; appreciating this masculinity that comes from you not what society deems what a man should be but I could really ‘feel’ your ownership of masculinity. And also could feel your feminine energy, your receptivity, tenderness and surrendering. Then something wonderful filled me, at the time of writing this I may edit if I remember exactly, but I think when my head was resting on your thigh and you were soft in my mouth, I was in this relaxed state of being with your being. I was having these ideas of your masculine and feminine energy floating in and out of my mind when it dissolved and I recognized union, a warm homeostatic balance of your energies. Yet there was no defining separation of a masculine or feminine; just being. My boobs on your knees. My boobs everywhere on you. My boobs and you I *like*. When you were close and told me to slow down- ahhh then you came so much ;-Q We sat there for almost another 30 min. I was just grounding myself in goofy smiles. And something came over me, a strong want to touch and caress your legs. Massage your thighs. I relaxed into this undulating energy in me and I started to get aroused. I had a strong desire to have you again in my mouth. You were saying things and whispering I couldn't hear or understand and didn't fully need to know as I was having my moment. I was enjoying this wave rising in me. Eventually you got up, pressed your hand onto my breast - pushed me away. Haha it wasn't rejection it was a compliment, I had to be stopped! It was a good experiment. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |