Been a while since I posted here. My space when I don't want to share on the kink site as I think less people visit here. I'm hurting a bit. I have been friends with an ex since '97. He was the best lover I had, we explored and he was open to my exploration. Good girl conditioning and attachment disorder messed our relationship up or we likely would've still continued with our sexual relationship.
We've lifted each other up when needed and I have been open and shared a lot of my writing, my kink site experiences, my people experiences, tinder experiences and my podcast. Even talked about having a 3some with him and her. When he and I were a couple this was our fantasy and even after we broke up I kept trying to get in with his girlfriends but they weren't into sharing with an ex. As good as friends as we have been, I'm hurting over our recent fallout. He's in 'the template', a loop of an unhappy relationship but together because of the kid. His child's mother doesn't seem happy either and I bet she's stuck in the good girl conditioning; I have told him I hold compassion for her. Even shared with him about a book, Raising A Secure Child to help break the attachment disorder after he reiterated a story about reacting to his child. He 'disappeared' for a bit. My calls and texts went unanswered. He had covid and I feared the worst of may be experiencing a fatal after effect. I kept calling and one recently he answered. Turned out she found all the text messages and shared pics and shared stories. When he was retelling the event he used words to describe me as "perverted" "perversion" in order to bring me down thinking somehow this would lift her bruised ego. Frog in my throat I wanted to cry. Hurt. Felt ashamed. I know this was a story, his story. And my story. My own attachment disorder has been lately hurting me. My anxiousness wanting and needing just one co-regulator but not feeling good enough for anyone. Someone I could turn to during these difficult moments. I recognized that I was already dealing with wounded feelings. I just messaged him back explaining I needed a break from us. It hurt me to hear him down talk me because she didn't deserve what? Honesty is what she needs. We've been friends for 28 years. I can't describe the hurt my heart feels to hear him use “perverted” to downplay me when I know how sexually unhappy he is. As sad as I often am feeling 'lonely', I'd much rather be here being 'perverted' than in a 'forced' monogamous relationship being sexually unhappy. I'm sure at some point our relationship will mend but now I just feel a little bit lonelier. I trusted the years of our relationship and all we had been through would have left judgement out. Now how can I not have a story run through my mind? He really thinks I'm a pervert? No wonder people continue to hide ‘perversions’ in the shadows. I refuse. I try to keep my monsters in check, it's when others' aren't even trying to self actualize and take ownership of their monsters that cause problems.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |