I woke up with Brittney Spears "Baby One More Time" playing in my head. In particular lyrics, "...my loneliness is killing me, I must confess I still believe...give me a sign hit me baby one more time."
This is my small self, still believes in "love" the romantic, the traditional, romantic, one with one ideals. May I confess? I miss holding someone's hand while walking. I miss dreaming about a future, making future plans with another even if not set in stone just fantasizing with another while lying in bed after waking up and making love. I miss vanilla. I miss good mornings. I miss good nights. Forehead kisses, I don't think I've ever received but seems nice. I miss hugs that could be held onto for forever. I miss inside jokes and looks from across the room. ...I paused for a few minutes to sob.... I confess I want love. I am terrified of getting hurt again. A passionate love. Based around sexual attraction. Playful. With another vulnerable soul working on self actualization waking all parts of himself to express. ...another pause to breathe as I shake for somatic release... In a matter of weeks I will be fulfilling a dream of mine that I've had for years and I never thought possible. And I feel lonely embarking on this dream; taking on this dream by myself and not having another with open arms to also share in my joy, amazement and accomplishment. Someone I can call to help provide a boost of courage and strength when at the 11th hour I feel fearful and in need of a pep talk. ...another pause for more tears for fears.... When I complete this feat, who will I become? I will have done this without that special someone. Will I no longer have a desire. I'm afraid I will see from a different vantage point of the baggage I brought up to that moment in my life and realize it was all wrong for me. ....a pause this is my small self with big feelings.... I must confess I still believe, in love, being 'in' it; loving and discovering him while he is also loving and discovering me. Surrendering to fear today. I am surrendering to wanting to love another and being loved. I am surrendering to the woman I will become after my flights. I am surrendering, I still believe.... ...give me a sign....hit me baby one more time.... more 'punk' version.... Hit Me Baby One More Time, Bowling for Soup
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |