Past few years I've been 'waking up'. My subconscious mind is growing louder, thankfully I have intuitively navigated myself to the people that will and have helped me further with my growth.
As of late, I have realized a need to connect emotionally to another in order for me to have sex. I haven't had sex in almost 10 years and miss being physically intimate with another. Unfortunately, what's been brought to the forefront of my awareness, my conscious mind, is that I am emotionally unavailable and have been for likely 20 years. This. Hurts my heart so much. I felt I was in a psychological thriller when I came to this conclusion. The ending of the movie made previous chopped sequences complete while simultaneously concluding, that I, the protagonist, was actually the killer! So, the conundrum, catch 22, in order for me to have desire with someone to have sex with them, I have a need for emotional connection with them. Yet I'm unavailable. Also, as I am becoming more self aware, walking in my conscious being with intent, the pool of others in this same state is growing smaller. I am finding my interest waning with many I currently know and interest in new connections lose hold fairly quickly as I am made painfully aware another individual is operating mostly from a subconscious loop. I am looking for another to help heal me with my emotionally unavailability. I crave more than shallow surfaced connections; my full bodied being is desiring sacred sex while the pool of conscious beings that I feel can help heal me is growing smaller. I'd like to take my shadow out and get her fucked with someone else's shadow while we both are aware of this dynamic occurring. In this moment, I am safe while on this journey of healing my meat suit and connecting to my conscious mind. please enjoy Peeping Tom's "Five Seconds" a great accompaniment to this post.
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Circular Safe Space
I'm a safe space for you to go inward to feel your inner experience; to have an inner experience. Many men are conditioned to not experience their feelings. I want to be the woman that provides you the safe space to feel. This also helps heal me. By default, the conditioning that fell on you about your feelings, unable to express (except anger), I too am conditioned about men showing gentle emotions. The looped rhetoric in my head makes my body feel discomfort when you express your feelings in a less than aggressive manner. I want to be fully present with my discomfort, desensitize society's conditioning. Allowing me to loosen that hold; become accustomed and comforted by you when you express your feelings. A reciprocal safe space. Conditioning has taught me, I am to be inward. In my feelings, inside my head, rather than be outside in body learning physical space. I would like from you to teach me how to be outward, outside of my inner self where I am most often. Story in my head is that most men see women as physically helpless, incapable and needing over protection to be taken care of. Therefore it is not necessary to teach me these things I want to learn because ‘you’ the man can just do it for me. I feel this when I am being mansplained to; this has me go inward so much I feel small and invisible. I am nervous and physically react when a man watches ‘over’ me; I’m not learning this way. Help me create a safe environment for me so I may be drawn outward; the freedom to breathe and learn. A place to heal the stories that I am capable and that a man can openly share his knowledge without talking down to me. A circular safe space; exchanging safety, meeting another vulnerably and healing the hurt from our stories society’s conditioning has placed on us. Some ideas of what I want to learn and yet even writing these I am feeling vulnerable: to 4wheel in my jeep, modify my jeep, drive in the snow, paraglide, change a tire, change my oil, backcountry camping/hiking and so much more... I can certainly take classes but even so I have found classes taught by men have the same mansplaining feel to me. No expectations, vulnerability meeting vulnerability with breath; just let and allow breath to happen. You can openly be in touch with your inner self and I can learn outward experience within a safe vulnerable space. I'm scared. I hate this feeling. Today's mantra is long, "extreme self-care, let nature take over, receptivity releases attachments, speak truth."
My cards show I'm in a current state of seeking comfort to avoid my painful struggle. I am in such a hungry starvation of want to either contact most recent attention object or contact crush. I'm hurting emotionally and so unable to find my love for myself. I'm lacking self compassion and this hurts me greatly. I even thought to lose myself in fantasy and create a story to start writing fiction again. But my imagination it seems has left me; rightly so as I really need to just walk through this. Loneliness. Big life changes around the corner and I am still so afraid. God, even questioned myself and choice of staying off of my antianxiety and antidepressants. Momentarily thought last night I should get back on these. Being numb would be so much easier than to feel this nothing for self other than fear. Being in a pharmaceutical coma would be a nice vacation from feeling and thinking and planning and wondering. I hate having been awoke to feeling good and this bullshit new relationship energy. I hate having had dopamine highs. This is hurting me so much. Addiction. My addicted brain unable to cope without it wanting and craving that when I'm without I feel I create these absolute lows to trick myself and convince myself I really do need a dopamine bump to get through 'this'. Maybe this isn't really a low, a true low and really is a trick. How fucked am I then to do this to myself? Fuck it sucks right now. I don't know where to put this but I want it out of my head. Today's mantra, "My heart has what I need to feel joy of love, here and now." Miscommunication. Not listening. Assumptions. It's been made clear to me I was to read someone else's enthusiasm levels or lack thereof and understand their need. Clearly this is a mistake to have someone else guess a need through their reaction or lack of. Instead of me seeing this just as a mistake and having them clarify I emotionally reacted.
I'm hurting- because of my hurt it rippled out from me and I do not want to be this for another, towards another human that is working on there stuff; cause suffering. Today no thoughts of fictional futures or false memories; today just prayers staying present, chanting. My body has been hurting, my heart has been heavy and my mind has been suffering. I'm done. I am my beginning. I am my end. I am. Here. Just for today. My last post about trust falling without a focal point, I found it. It is within me. My honesty and willingness to examine connections are my gauges, my thermometer, this is my north star. I read my rocks today and my chakras are all open and balanced and even my heart is open to male and female energy. While writing, out my chakras and my pulled cards for the day, I found a previously scribbled note or appears to be the start of a poem. But odd how it feels like it was a note to my future self, which is currently now at this very moment. I somewhat remember when I wrote it last summer. The message while listening to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement: Moderation thoughts the blindfolds within intuitive communication without the noise of miscommunication without the empty space needing a fill of ambiguity This has so much meaning for me now. The cards I pulled current- To Be Fair(protection)- lead with kindness, empathy and courage Heading to- Higher Power (protection)- give to Spirit Action- Loyal Heart- trust divine protection Dynamic- declare feelings I played last night and afterwards, he played a song twice. I don't know what it's called or how to find it but while listening I connected to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata 1st Movement. The song he played I made connections from beyond; thoughts of my deceased brother, and either initials S.H. or a name with 'sh' in it was trying to communicate with me. There was just a yummy cosmic openness. Human vulnerability, honest with feelings and needs and desire to have magical connections with others even if filled with fear. There was a moment last night where there was an intense connection. No walls. No thoughts. Even fear was present. A recognition of connection; I smiled to him for being present with me and this energy. I smiled at him because I saw him; I saw him see and feel this energy. That openness to step to the connection and let it unfold, even if with fear but allow that energy to form and swirl; that's what I want more of. Take that fear, be honest to it and with it; honor it. Honesty and honoring. I honor you and our connected energy by bringing my honesty.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |