Tried to write the other night. Tried Korn anything, thought rage fuck music would help. Nope. Maybe I was in a domme mood, maybe Iggy. Nope. Just wasn't there. Where I was; I was trying to stay present. I felt antsy. My dormant passionate side has been let out of the box (pun intended?) and I wanted more. Again. Feeling a little desperate, okay maybe a lot desperate out of fear this side may be suppressed again. Who am I kidding? Play once a week? I feel like I need a cum'sesh every other day or stretch it out every two days.
Got back on my a.m. and p.m. routines. Guitar nightly has helped keep myself occupied in a nonsexual manner and have managed to not think about being plowed. It's the long hot showers that do me in. Steaming hot then cool my red hot skin with cold water. The extreme temperatures can get my thoughts going. So no shower tonight. I actually wanted to just do some regular boring writing. Reading Larry Niven's "Ringworld", the 7th book from the Nebula Awards; making my way through the list because I couldn't decide what to read. Almost done with the book so I just wanted to spend at least 30 minutes tonight in it. Just kill 30 minutes. Read. Ringworld, flycycles, Louis Wu...aaahhhhnnnd, my mind wanders. Lying on my back, thermal blanket warming my body underneath and a flash crosses my mind. A flash back jolts my memories awake. His thumb in my mouth. I remember how he tastes and the thickness of his thumb. Wow. Forgot about that. He, the last time we spoke, reminded me how I would suck his fingers while he was fucking me. Loved caressing his thumb with my tongue and then sucking on his ring fingers. Some reason it's sensitive on me. Gawd. I do miss his voice. Even more his voice telling me these fucking sexy things I had forgotten. Reminding me how I used to love fucking. Playing. He was so open to me. If he was ever nervous he never let on. He'd let me drive and know exactly when to reclaim control. Damn he was fun. Sex was fun. Fucking was fun. Making love, with him, was soul touching intense. I can't blame myself for shutting down after he left my life. Before him, I was half awake. With my previous partner we could've had a dom/sub relationship but he never took the reigns and he never gave it up enough. However when I met Mr. Pickle, our sexual energy matched. I met someone who loved kissing as much as I did. He was a fuckingtastic good kisser. He would let me climb his lap and just kiss him for hours if I wanted. Kissing him was so good. Biting my lower lip now as memories of the times we kissed flooding my mind. His beautiful lips. My face is smiling. We'd make out for hours. After him, I was open to passion but after a couple attempts felt my passion with Mr. Pickle was unique. So why bother. My heart hurt. My body ached. My passion ceased to exist. So I thought. Still in here. Still wants out. I'm laughing, please send help. I'm trying to stay present. And with this I'm slipping into another fantasy, not quite ready to share, got to relieve some pressure my legs are restless. Until the flip pull it to the side, keep it up & stay slow~
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"Down For Me" Loon, Mario Winans
Time to myself. I'm in my writing space. Perfectly alone. Space heater running creating an orange glow mixed with red from my lamp. Heated throw draped over my lap, perfectly comfortable I may just fall asleep out here. However, hoping to hear his voice. Since I have time to myself I may as well use it by writing, thinking about the leap. Or possible leap. Fantasy. The prospect of a rendezvous seems exciting. "Call Out My Name" The Weekend Sitting here for a few minutes, staring, typing but mostly deleting. Nah, it's not in me tonight. I don't feel like writing. Instead I'm going to go back and read. Finish my Guinness while reading my previous posts. Maybe the early works could also help to inspire. Checking out for now. "Blackened" Metallica Mood shifted dramatically. I'm shaking. Thigh muscles trembling. Arm muscles, hands, my whole body is still vibrating. I changed my mind to not just read. Instead I started voice recordings of me reading. I made it to only the second post. He sent a message via snap asking if I was ready. Very daddy like is what popped into my head. I also thought, well good luck with me tonight because I'm not in the mood. Got situated. Popped my headphones in and a few minutes later he's calling. Can he hear my smile? I hear his voice and my face just reacts in that manner! I fucking bet my eyes twinkle too. Butterflies and yeah I smile because whatever thoughts I had previously, like doubt I was going to talk with him tonight, fell away like my panties want to do. We talk about everything, well he talked about everything. I would giggle when I would hear him say words like, 'tie up' and others that made me think of having sex with him. Two hours later I pipe up, "Yeah hey there buzzkill, ya gotta go to bed soon or check on your kid?" "Yeah, let me call you back in five minutes." "Please do." Hung up and my hand went down my pants. I'm leaning back up against the wall, legs bent and splayed. I'm thinking I got to hear him talk for two hours I'm good. I'm real good right now. A few finger circles on my wet panties, I'm thinking he might not call back so lets continue. The other part of me is thinking no, he'll call back. Wait, should I just answer the phone as I'm coming? Or drag this out to right before I cum answer the phone? Thoughts of him in between my thighs. I was already close. I stop. Maybe bust out the vibrator. Yeah, low setting I can edge myself; pull back just before I cum and keep it going until he calls. "Thunder Kiss 65" White Zombie (great fuck song) Yeah, vibrator won't work it's making me want to cum too soon and in my quiet dark writing room it's mood killing loud. No, slip hand down draw string pants. Panties are wetter. I'm more excited knowing I will get to hear him again. Another cum session. I'm getting close. Now I'm thinking I'm too close because the half second I hear his voice I'm going to cum. This time I want to hear him, as last time it was just myself because I didn't have time. Okay, slowing my circles, using less pressure; oh shit the lack of pressure is teasing me. Applying more pressure, slower circles; I think I can hang here for a minute. Think about the trees outside. It's cold. He calls. And I'm close. He knows immediately after I respond to his, "hayyy can you hear me?" Since I was already close, I've been edging for 5 minutes, I hear the sound of his voice, and a small moan escapes me. "Are you being naughty right now?" "Wait, what? What did you hear?" "I know you. I can hear it. Want me to join?" "ahhh fuck yesss, pleeease." "Okay I have to go to another room, it'll take me a second, don't cum yet." I push myself back harder up against the wall, re position myself to slow me down. "Okay, I'm close though, but I will wait." "No I want you to cum first. I miss making you cum. Fucking you quietly in your bathroom so your sister wouldn't hear." The memories again, rushing back. Telling him I'm so close, can't hold it back. I can hear his sexy breathing; I was wishing I was on top of him making him breath that heavy. Kissing him. I think he's close enough, and with that I let go. Multiple waves. Just keep filling me. Rolling waves making my thighs shakes. Jolts through out my body, I keep going as I can hear him now starting. Hearing him is making me wind back up, I'm still riding this wave but feel like it could be building back up again. His breathing slows down and I start to relax my body. Curled toes begin to uncurl, thighs loosen up, stomach muscles relax. The wave is waning. I let out a sigh. I tell him it would be difficult for me to be left alone with him in a room. I miss his hugs. I could be blindfolded and get hugged by 25 random men with him included, and would know without a doubt which hug belonged to him. It's getting late, I have to go and I know he's 2 hours ahead so I know he needs to go. I ask, "Okay so same thing next weekend, please?" He laughs, "Of course." "More Human Than Human" White Zombie (another good fuck song) And with that my moody uninterested in sex, or sexy thoughts, sexy talk, orgasms nothing, he manages through just the sound of his voice to not only change my mind but give me multiple orgasms. This is amazing. And he's not even physically here with me. Perfect song to go out on "A.D.I.D.A.S. "(all day I dream about sex) Korn because yes, all day today I will be thinking about his sex. until that flip- pull it to the side, keep it up and stay slow~ Four days since last post. Busy with life feeling like this place from which I write from, well she's in a cocoon. Not frozen. But rather being still. Not hiding, conserving energy. Encroaching upon a magnificent precipice making calculating plans and fantasizing about the feeling of my stomach dropping the moment I decide to run and jump off. How far down will I fall before I pull the ripcord?
I feel like something behind the scenes is in the works. So for the past few days my mind, has for the most part, remained present and in the space of this moment. In a few months it will have been year since the great thaw. This written space has been extremely cathartic and has provided unbridled relief to fantasize again and an outlet for physical release. I'm sure there had been times I had been so horny I masturbated. But I'm thinking even those sessions were just going through the motions for a surface relief. Nothing like this almost past year has provided. I feel awake. Alive. Full of breath. Eight years since I've had physical intimacy; I just succumbed to feeling of being dead inside. Keep that part of myself frozen because this right now, right here, is it. Even longer since I had been flirted with. The fuck, I kept myself so closed off from human connection and hidden away from any possibility of friendly flirting. The irony is it was my spouse who insisted I play Fallout76. I had forgotten how the path to my vagina is really through my ears. A nice voice with confidence. Doesn't even need to be really deep. A confident voice is sexy, deep one is hotter. Easily could read me Nursery Rhymes and I'd get turned on. But a deep sexy voice could say something lacking confidence and it's a cold shower. So, it's definitely the confidence. Commanding, confidence. One other player's voice 3 months prior to me meeting DV stood out to me. I guess maybe if he had confidently flirted with me there might be a different first muse. But there wasn't. I've always been very sexual. Very passionate. Very playful. All the way up and even more so through Mr. Pickle. After him, I subconsciously chose men that had intimacy issues; meaning some part of themselves was closed off. They didn't like to either show affection or experiment. Somehow I was punishing myself for being passionate as a way to protect myself. Rather than just mindlessly fuck multiple partners to find the right fit, I sought to close myself. Current relationship was the winner. Even more closed off. Perfect fit. Perfect punishment. Passion won't hurt here. What I thought was dead and gone was just frozen. Thankfully. My tits are ready to bust out of my shirt needing exposure! My first muse shall not be forgotten, I am still hoping to level up, he confidently said the right thing with his delicious voice. I needed a place to write all that was being released. An eight year, really maybe even longer, sexually repressed side of me, which is really a large part of who I am, was breaking the dam. Flooding. Flooding everywhere. Figuratively and literally. Wind would blow a certain way and I got turned on. I could feel the clothing on my body. Something sexy would cross my path and I needed a release. So this cliff that I'm about to stare down. I currently have a fantasy heating up in my imagination. However, will my writing of it be actual fantasy or of intent. And if it is of intent will I go ahead and free fall in it or pull the ripcord? Guess we both will happily find out. Until the flip- pull it to the side, keep up & stay slow~ I had to fuck myself three times today. Oh, and a couple last night. I couldn't sleep, my mind was going places and wanting my body to come. I spoke again with Mr. Pickle a week later. Naturally I've been replaying the conversations in my head and last night mixed with fantasy; my restless legs needed some relief. Was he bluffing when he wanted to see me? Just hot talk?He said he has relatives close to where I live. I need to recall when and where this was brought up. Likely, just a strong emotion at the time when he was on vacation but now that he's back at home in his real world; it was just a fantasy.
I couldn't sleep because I picked up where he left off. The fantasy of a weekend. Which I could do, I could get away. I looked at a resort close to me, checked prices and what the rooms looked like. The fuck I ran with it. As I always do; give me three inches and I will get it to six. What it would be like reuniting again with him after all these years? It would be like no time separated us. The cock of his head, a sly smile and his "Haaay" and I'd waste no time getting to his face. The little details I envisioned; from conversation to items in the hotel room, I really went all out in my head. I wouldn't have lasted long. Fuck the small talk, fuck the-how-you-been bullshit, I would've pushed him down on the couch and straddled him. Started kissing. And those thoughts, for who knows how long it took place last night, got me my restless legs. Now I'm starting to ache. However, fantasizing about us making out, fucking and then making love I managed to calm my ass with a cum session. We could fuck and make love in one session. Ravaging bodies, fucking doggie style, then right before cumming, a flip and we orgasm together squeezing hands and looking into each other's blue eyes. Sigh. Memories. "Nothing Else Matters" Apocalyptica I have panic disorder. And with it I have anxiety tics. Just some bursts of shoulder shrugs and head lifts. Good days, anxious moments are a couple tic rounds and I'm good. Bad days it's tic season; replace my earbuds for headphones and it just looks like I'm listening to music. Lip biting too with my tics, that's a new one. It appears like I may burst from not being pounded. I've been ticcing more than usual lately. Heavy sigh. This music is killing my mood. Switching to my Naked Rage playlist. "Coming Undone" Korn Much. Much. Better. Laughing because I had this song in mind when I first created this site. A good rage fuck song. Okay. So, stop checking texts. Stop checking snap. He's got a mess at home too. Work. Similar stuff I have. Not like it was 20 years ago with hardly any obligations. I told him I've missed him. My heart has. When he left he took it with him. My relationships after; well I fucking basically dated, fucked and sucked Jack Daniel's. I was a hot mess. I may have cleaned up but my heart was never the same nor as receptive to allowing another in. Dumb. I shouldn't have told him such heavy shit. Ahhhnddd now feeling dumb as hell. "Just One Fix" Ministry Yes. Just one fix. Okay, so what if it was a bluff that I had started to clear my calendar for; he put the fucking idea in my head. Now I'm going to fantasize the fuck out of it and stick it here for me to read anytime I need some help getting off. Another fantasy. Probably the end of his sextion-I'm laughing from accidentally misspelling 'section'. I enjoyed myself reminiscing and finding all the stuff I saved from when we dated. Going through the items I really think I should write a book. He's a musician and at the time we dated he was on tour off and on around the country; I believe the longest trip he had was 7 weeks. He would return for a few weeks then back on the road. Back in the day there wasn't 'insta' anything. It was phone calls and post cards and lots of phone sex. The anticipation of his return; that was some serious foreplay. I would send him on the road with audio tapes I made of us either fucking, me masturbating and my poetry. I will have to listen to them to remember what else is on them. He would send me postcards from where ever he was. Also interesting to see the progression in our relationship by what was discussed and how the card was addressed. Some historical cards too; I feel like I should put a sexy anthology together to immortalize this. Who writes these days using the mail? It should be recorded. It was fun to relive and in my fantasy we read them together. Or better yet I make him read it me. Ugh, he's likely run for the hills...Oooh reminds me I need some Iron Maiden for my list. Bad girl. No feels, just orgasms. Hard to not feel anything especially with him. He was intense. We were intense together. Soul fucking sex, there is nothing else like it in the world. Surely making a woman orgasm can make any man feel good. However, and I can't speak for other women, but you get me to cry during and after; you've fucking touched my soul. My vibrator can make me cum but it can't get me to cry. until the flip~ Slept with a smile on my face. Woke up in the afternoon. Worked my to do list. Took a shower, groomed, like I had a date with some real actual sex. He said after 4 p.m. to call him, however with work around the house it would have to be later. Putting around doing stuff, anything to keep my mind off of him and a potential cum session. He worked me up badly earlier in the morning it was hard to keep from coming; I wanted to prolong this. Dv had me warmed up Friday ready for a session. So now it's Sunday and the player has switched. I'm eager.
I set up my studio; plugged in the heater and set up my red light. Mood. Took some pictures. I liked the red light reflecting off my laptop. The red light was casting a sexy glow. Spent the time writing and listening to music. A few tincture drops and then waiting for the effects. Just chilling. Combination of writing and my playlist has me starting to warm up nicely. By 11 p.m. I'm ready. I need to hear him again. I took a picture of my keyboard showing the key "insert". Then I sent a picture of me just after we parted ways years ago. I'm in a black cowboy hat, long red hair cascading down my shoulders, bent over a chair showing sexy cleavage. A couple minutes after I get a text from him. Can you talk? I'm excited. He's at a bar and it's loud. But I can still hear him. Blah blah blah and lots of yada yada yada an hour or so later he's finally leaving for his parents house. Some sexy talk sprinkled in while on car ride home. The sound of his voice makes my face smile, and my panties wet. I remember his parents house so it was like I was there too, with him. It was late so he was trying to be quiet. He begins talking about life stuff, when I pull my toy out. I can't take it. Wonder if he'd notice the humming. If he did what would he say. I slide my vibrator down my pants. My panties are wet and my clit is engorged waiting for a lick or a flick. He's asking serious questions about this and that. I can't for the life of me remember what he was talking about. I was using his voice. His breathing. His laugh. My vibrator is humming nicely on my clit. I'm close so how do I handle my moaning? When I cum he's going to notice. My thigh muscles get tighter the closer I get. Before moving to another subject he asks me a question. Quickly my brain scrambles to what was discussed and give him a blanket answer. Every time he switches topic I feel like my clit resets herself. I was so close to cumming. In all of it's existence, my vibrator hasn't had to work so hard. I started to have a little panic and thought what if I fucking run out of battery juice. Frustrated. We need to get this going. He switches to family. My family. Ah man. Come on now. Really? This is how it's going? "Kind of a buzz kill." I said while biting my lower lip and rolling myself over onto my stomach. I didn't know if I'd finish this. I started to pull my vibrator out He asks, "How so?" I politely and matter of factually tell him a couple of times within the past 10 minutes I was about to come. That I haven't been able to control myself while he was talking and I started in on myself. Also that my vibrator has been buzzing and I felt like my batteries were going to die. Without missing a beat (drummer pun intended) he starts in on me, just with his sexy nervous are you serious laugh. I'm wet and my clit is alert; ready. "Are your legs shaking?" he softly says. "Ah my god, there you are." I whisper out in a breathy exhale. A little moan escapes me. I roll back over to my back. Sliding myself down my floor mat, in my studio, I unfold some of it so I can stretch out my legs without hitting the cold tile floor. Legs are splayed and stretch, I'm taking him in. His voice is wonderfully in stereo through my earbuds. Another moan escapes me. I'm imaging him here with me. My legs wide open and ready for him, coming closer to me telling me he wants so badly to make me cum. To hear me. I'm already so close when he whispers, "I remember your thighs would shake while I was sucking on your clit. Remember how I could make you shake?" Back arching, head turned towards my left arm I moan back, "Yessssss. I loved you licking my clit." My breathing is deepening, "Only you could make me cum that way." Shorter breaths are escaping me. "I can tell when you're getting close." he confidently whispers. I'm biting my lip. Fffffuuuuucccck, I am getting close. I want him so badly here. Touching me. Stroking my feet. The thought is making wetter. My vaginal muscles clenching waiting in anticipation for his dick, his finger, and or his tongue, when he says, "You're shaking now aren't you? " My voice is quiet, as my body is pulling energy to my pussy, " Yaaaasssss. Please I am shaking." He says, "You are very close. I remember you hold your breath a little bit longer." My breath hitches at his remembrance of my orgasms. Breasts tighten up as my nipples get hard. desiring his hot mouth on them. Flicking them with his tongue, sucking. I need him inside of me. Legs spreading wider shaking more. "I loved looking into your eyes, hold your hand when your were cumming." he quietly adds just at the right moment. He knows what to say and when to say it. Not surprising since we've had countless phone sex sessions while he was on tour. Memories of us fucking, making out and making love come rushing back. One last quick inhale, then follows short quick moaning exhales while a rush is flooding me starting from my pulsing clit. I cry out, " oh gawd I'm so close. Don't stop talking. I'm going to cum." My quivering thighs are trying to clamp at a body that isn't there. My pussy is contracting wanting something to grip. A few higher pitched moans followed by a long exhale. My body is releasing. Faintly with reverence as he knows it not just an orgasm, but waves, he says, "I've missed this. Hearing you cum. Making you cum. Looking into your eyes. Gripping hands while cumming at the same time." My waning orgasm wave is starting to slow down. I can feel my vaginal muscle jolts slowing down. And with that a tear escapes me. Another memory. He was the only one that could move me to tears during and after sex. I haven't been emotionally and sexually deep with another since him. I've missed that so much. I pull my earbud out to move the mic from my face. I needed more of a release. Not wanting him to know what was happening I started quietly sobbing. I put the earbud back in, unsure if in my head or aloud, "I hate you." I tell him. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |