I suppose I shall start a readings section! I read chakras through rocks/crystals. I tell my clients "Let's get stoned!" Today I'm called to sit and be still. I had a very difficult time after waking this morning. My monkey mind running desperately and frantically chasing away ghosts of the past and future monsters that do not exist. See? Where is 'present'? I couldn't meditate it was so noisy in my head. I did my best then yoga head stand to help those thoughts fall out. Then I read myself.
I read on my current situation:
Until the flip~ monkey sit
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By the way, this post absolutely has nothing to do with sex...I'm not always a cock worshiping whore panting in dire need of a good sweaty fuck! Another song I've looped, part of last night and today. Well, two actually. Both by Ween, and I thank Meta for introducing me to brilliant music. Currently they are "If You Could Save Yourself" and "I Don't Want It"... If I could just save myself... but more importantly it's the latter song, here are the lyrics.... I Don't Want It- Ween Oh did we miss the moon? I'd lie in your arms if I could now It's such a common pain Repeats itself again and again now Flowers grow in the springtime and leaves fall from the trees I've been GONE for so long, you just threw away the keys I understand it, but I don't want it I know it so well, you tripped me and I laughed when you fell now This isn't how it should be I've let you drift so far, from me But please hold onto the memories Before we really crash and burn We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn I understand it, but I don't want it The song hit me loudly as a message to self... "I've been gone for so long, you just threw away the keys" "We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn" I'm 'here' now. Spent the last couple of years waking up and realizing. I was wrapped up in other people's ideas and ideals, I forgot how to learn. During this process of losing myself, it wasn't overnight, I did have lucid awareness that I was shutting down to please others but still put myself away. Seeing myself do this to myself, I felt I slammed the door and yelled, "Well go then. Be gone. And don't return." A lovers quarrel. Kicking the other out because they aren't conforming to their ideals. Here, I removed myself and shut myself out to conform to others' ideals. Hurts. I want my daughter to see this. All of this. I want her to see she never has to conform. Never shut herself out to follow someone else. Follow yourself. Lead yourself from your intuitive voice no matter how small it sounds now, for that voice will continue to grow in volume the more you listen. I knew when I found out I was having a girl this would be healing for myself. To heal the little girl within myself. Each year my daughter progresses in age is the year I reflect where I was at her age; talking and releasing. Me having my awakening is important to her also. I have maintained with her father a level of respect so she sees I treated her father decently as a loving human treats another human. Even when he tells me within earshot of her I am a bad mother because I do not fit his ideas of what a good mom looks like. However, last night was extremely hurtful and I lost my composure and she witnessed me at my worst. Me yelling at her father to leave my room. She heard me trying to slam my door and threaten to call the police as he would not leave my space. I was out of body trying to escape the current event. I had repeatedly asked him to not disrespect her mother. Show her even though he and I are no longer that he still can act like a decent human to her mom. Last night he questioned me continuously if I even wanted to be a mom still. I'm sobbing having to write this out. In the almost 20 years I've known him he doesn't know my spirit. We spent six years trying to get pregnant and had two miscarriages that emotionally broke me. When I realized he and I would no longer work I wanted us to still live on the same property so she may have both her parents at any time and not at court mandated times. He, this morning, asked about my childhood asking if my mom went out with her friends so much. I said I wouldn't answer because he's trying to draw conclusions questioning my behavior-deciding if I fit in his box. It hurts me so much because of what he was saying and asking, I in knee jerk reaction, began to question if he was right. If he's 'seeing something' then maybe there is truth there. No. Fuck him. What he is correct about, is there is a difference from how I am as a mom now and how I was. I can't parent when he's around, I automatically have to become the bad parent so yes I have retreated; I've pulled away. Hiding, shutting myself up again because of guilt not living in someone else's box of how a mom should be. Had I continued staying on Zoloft and numb, I would've been showing her this is how life should be. Even with my emotional meltdown last night what I am doing is better for her, for her spirit. I've been fighting for myself; waking up to become whole...I'm desperately now fighting for her to not have to have a period in her life where she feels she needs to wake up to try to become whole. I want for her to start now, become whole. Never having to hide parts of herself. I want for her to take this life and learn about herself, to never wrap herself up in other people's ideals that she ever forgets to learn. I don't want there to be a time in her life where she feels she needs to save herself. I want her to not feel she has to become undone, that she has to undo other people's ideas to figure out what she's all about. I want her to have her time spent here on Earth just learning about herself, loving herself, loving others, loving life and becoming whole. Freeman, Aaron, and Michael Melchiondo. “I Don't Want It.” Spotify, 1 Jan. 1970, open.spotify.com/track/3SvmoUOs4WS9CTnDqfodCq?si=fEVSq7W2Q9yeNtLWjzEEeA.
8/8/2020- Fitting yesterday's post, "I'm Coming Out". His homework, he had wanted me to send him a pussy pic. No. I haven't seen her in years- since days after I gave birth. His response was I'm not ready/worthy. Ouch. 'worthy'. Okay Wayne's World-I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy. He wants me to take pictures of my pussy for me. Write my first thoughts. Then write what I would want him to say about my pussy, what others might say if I posted the pics and write a conversation of me having with my pussy.
Yes work. Inner work. Pussy work. This is what I signed up for. After spending an hour trying to find my selfie stick, I realized I was just avoiding. Shower, shaved the legs as it had been awhile since last play; I felt like I was going on a date! Remembering the shower I took when I got ready for the first time I played with Meta. Went to my room. Decided to set up the chair in front of my chakra tapestry; my meditation spot seems fitting. Oy! I'm excited and nervous. I don't know why I'm nervous. It's just a pussy picture. Mine. I got this. And I don't have to send it to anyone. He didn't say he wanted it anyhow. I really don't want my pussy pictures floating around nor collected. Camera setup would be easier if someone else could do the shots but this is for me and my eyes and for her. Awkward I have to put a pillow under my ass to lift me up enough for the camera to get a good shot. I see her. I haven't seen her in years. Almost 9. Nothing like I remembered and so much more. I just started crying. Like a long lost relative being found; separated at birth. Literally the last time I saw her was when I gave birth. Lots of shots and I feel like now I can't stop. Can't stop looking and staring! So now my own comments on her: Even the blurry ones are pretty. “Nice long slit, I'm attracted to long slits I realize, I'm a slit girl!” “My inner labia right side is larger, like a petal peeking and has a beautiful gradient dark color.” “I love that my clitoral hood can be seen when the mound is slightly pulled away; sexy peek-a-boo.” “I really love the natural look- men and women; especially for myself. Something primal, raw, nature.” “I love that my hole partially can be seen- alluded to- a sexy come hither hint!” “I have a blurry one spreading my labia and looks like a pink heart!” “I'd totally worship her!” Now what I would want him to say: “I can't wait until you are worthy enough to have me worship that pussy.” “I want it wet!” (Demanding voice testing me if I could on cue make her wet-likely especially with his voice...maybe reading a jeep manual even!) “I want to place my hand on your pussy with my middle finger cradled in your slit.” (He called me while on my vacation to give me a guided meditation and he had me do this.) “There needs to be a Godcock introduction- a teas'mony teasing introduction ceremony!” (oh my gawd a fucking t.i.c.! Homage to my sex tics!) “I want to rub Godcock around your pussy, then you must lick him clean so you may taste yourself...if you are worthy!” “Godless pretty pussy!” What others would say if I posted the pics: “Juicy pussy” “I want some of that” “I'd rub my cock all over you” “I'd bury my face in that” “Nice pussy” ”Pretty pussy” “Let me lock my mouth on that” “Delicious slit” My conversation with my pussy: Crying, I haven't seen you in years. I don't know why I kept you away from others let alone from myself. I never once did not, not like you. I remember all those times fucking in our early 20's I loved watching when he would pump in and out. The mirrors. The video, but it was bad quality and we agreed not our best angle. But I'm sorry I never found another partner as worthy, and fun; I kind of gave up searching and just stopped caring to play. Having stopped caring, I didn't need to see you as you just became a reminder that I settled and didn't care enough about me or us. Then it just became easier. I got older so it was time to literally settle down; family pressured me to find someone to get married and start a family. So I found someone that had no passion, easier this way for me; I wouldn't set myself up for disappointment somehow. And he didn't care. I forgot this memory! Remember when we hid in the closet dressed in the nurses outfit? Well, it was my phlebotomy jacket and some white wedge stripper shoes! I thought for sure he'd be excited! It was hot that day when he came home, we were sweating and couldn't breathe in that closet. I left a sexy path of notes for him to follow and find us. And all he did was pick up the notes and not look for us. He had his routine and preferred that than us. We were too hot in there and jumped out in frustration and left emotionally hurt. He was surprised, but because I was hiding and didn't know why I had a costume on. I did this thinking he had a playful side. I felt so dumb. And disappointed. Last time I showed my playful side too, hid you as well. I said no more and ignored you. Then the miscarriages. Thought you hated me and I was being punished somehow, we both were. I should've left after 6 years trying for a baby. But then she came. I looked at you days after and no one told me how different you would look. I thought I messed you up and now no one would really want us ever again. So again I put you away, ignored you and put us down. All this time I felt a bit guilty that it was me not wanting him, but I did try with him. I thought he would play and appreciate us and my playful side. He didn't appreciate you, I don't even remember if he even kissed you. He hardly kissed me so no matter. I had no money to get back home so I settled not knowing what else to do. Figured this was my life, the rest of it. And now. I signed up for a fet account looking for a Dom not sure but figure I’d fuck and finally be used and here I am falling back in love with you. Cried some more, because I have missed you and am terribly sorry for ignoring you, us. And from now on you are worthy of being cared for, by me. You are worthy of being appreciated by another. Kissed, caressed, fondled and fucked you deserve this and more. I won't put you away nor stop looking at you. You are here. I am here. No longer separate. I care. I read my chakra stones and card for the day. I received The Fates card- Love unconditionally, and the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. My stones showed my throat chakra, heart chakra is blocked. My prescription for self: Write about this experience, forgive self- reach out and help another. Also understand the difference between what I can change and what I can’t. Love and friend self and others unconditionally. I thank the fates for guiding me to you, Meta. Yes likely I would've found my way back to my pussy eventually but when I signed onto fet I had hoped I would find a good Dom that wouldn't just make this just about sex but a deeply personal evolution. "I can't thank you, enough." ;-) And just realized- this was four months to the day we met. When we first spoke, I had a feeling you'd bring me back. Standing alone in the wind and rain Feeling the fear that is growing Sensing the change in the tide again Brought by the storm that is brewing Feel the anxiety hold off the fear Some of the doubt in the things you believe Now that your faith will be put to the test Nothing to do but await what is coming "Sign of The Cross" Iron Maiden I deactivated my fet account for the time being, I needed a break from the stimuli. And look at that! Above. I'm listening to music, posting current audio choices while writing as I had done when I started this site. This song is eleven minutes of slow build up starting with a chanting of sorts. Good song to use to reflect, to continue to process my thoughts, expose myself. Not like anyone reads these? I've been purposely void of emotion, hiding myself for years. Abandoning that part of me that laughs loudly; if you're lucky enough you can get from me a good laugh. Previous co-workers years ago called me Horshack from Welcome Back Carter with very good reason! Abandoning that part of me that loves to hug! Upright and vertical I love being the little spoon, the feeling of being protected from the mean world. Also love being the big spoon, giving someone the feeling I can protect them momentarily, I can be their place of peace and encouragement. Now horizontal...I love the cuddles that transition into sleep...spooning and snoozing...spoozing or snooning sounds better? Being nuzzled, a favorite of mine, a head burrowed into my hair at the nape of my neck, taking in my fragrance leaving the warmth of their breath on me. Also abandoning the love for gazing...staring deeply into someone's eyes trying to climb inside of them through the windows of their soul. Hand holding another favorite. A way to guide and provide. Give direction and a feeling of protection- even naughty touches can be given and received in public via hand holding and none would be the wiser. Kissing. Another part of me I had given up. All of my exes and one night stands have said I am a good kisser. I told my Dom I kiss like I'm giving a blow job preview! The mouth is so sensitive so much can be expressed with all different kinds of kisses! Rediscovering and awakening this side of me is overwhelming. A flood of emotions being stirred along with my senses coming alive again. With that, emotions and questions of why I would do this to myself, hurt myself by hiding myself conforming for others and giving up. The timing of this currently coinciding with my kidney stones is eye opening. Something deep; built up, repressed is coming out in need of being expelled. Forgive the above and anything else that may follow that doesn't make sense my pain pill kicked in. I don't know how I liked these things. I had a slight addiction to them in the past even as late as last year. Helped me make things tolerable. My addicted part had good intentions. I didn't doctor shop I was just very very happy when I got a prescription; my doctor at the time gave me a couple weeks worth every 3 months. Also just happened I have had a fair amount of surgeries. It helped me smile momentarily. Now just makes my head hurt, antsy wanting to heal and get back to living and cognitively not making sense sometimes. Not hiding anymore. Moving forward even if it is uncomfortable exposing and removing layers. My play partner- I am exactly where I need to be with whom I need in order to process, remove and grow. Having another Dom, the typical ones wouldn't work for what I need. The typical Doms would cater and conform to what I wanted in order for me to feel less discomfort. If you're not feeling pain from the heat of a fire you won't learn to not stand so close. (Oy! Now Police song Don't Stand So Close To Me is in my head momentarily) If another is helping me stand how do I learn to stand on my own. I could get lost in a Daddy Dom; I'd certainly enjoy and feel good momentarily, but I wouldn't learn or grow. A Daddy Dom maybe could see what I needed to learn and teach me. But I'm an active learner. I learn best by doing, drawing and coming to my own realizations. When I get the epiphany and navigate, that is when a lesson is ingrained. It has to be me that realizes there is a lesson here not someone else telling me I have something to learn. Also twofold as I'm learning and recognizing lessons, I'm learning to trust myself. I just need to ask for help when I recognize there is a lesson to be had. I do enjoy him and feel good with him. I think the problem here is I'm wanting to keep a division between play side and teacher side. The play side I enjoy the blindfolds and the 'distance' not in a rush trying to get to know each other, both of which I see help create longevity. However, a part of me sometimes needs instant gratification, recognition, adoration instead of patiently sitting waiting; the good student wanting praise from the teacher. The teacher should know the student a bit more in order to assist. He challenges me whether this is his intent or not. I need this. I gravitated to D/s dynamic because I felt this arena would help me learn to separate sex and emotional attachment. Or rather separate myself from the monogamous romantic ideals the templates I have instilled in me want me to follow. Also of course help me get back to my sexual self and discover more of myself through sex. Find all my dark parts and make friends. The movie Secretary- I relate so much to Lee Holloway. OY! Can there be a Secretary reenactment kink?! I don't want to heal my dark part; I need her to come out so I can get to know her. Could it be it's the end of my world? All the things that we cherish and love Nothing left but to face all this on my own Cause I am the chosen one "The Fallen Angel" Iron Maiden Rediscovering the abandoned parts and discovering my dark parts, parts I had hidden for whatever reason all of me coming together learning to be whole. Maybe why I would drown myself in monogamous romantic relationships I knew I wasn't whole and needed someone else in order to feel whole. If I am in a safe place to allow all of my parts out to become whole then I have no need to drown myself in another. I am nervous at my own intensity and excitement. Will I be too much? I've scared off others in the past with my sexual intensity. Why instinctively I knew I wanted someone who would work on me slowly; slow training but also want to know he wouldn't run from being too much. Fear is good to a certain extent, maybe I can switch that fear and associate it with my prey kink! Another reason him- primal. I trust myself enough, I decided to follow him for a reason. Trust the process, time to fully come out and explore. Start to become whole. You lead me on the path Keep showing me the way I feel a little lost A little strange today I think I'll take a hold Of whatever comes my way Then we'll see what happens Take it day by day "Different World" Iron Maiden Until the flip~ don't trip enjoy the ride Somewhere I hear a voice that's calling, Out in the dark there burns a dream, You got to hope when you are falling, To find the world that you have seen. Like the eagle and the dove, Fly so high on wings above, When all you see can only bring you sadness, Like a river we will flow, On towards the sea we go, When all you do can only bring you sadness, Out on the sea of madness. Iron Maiden Sea of Madness First of all dealing with physical pain and the narcotic has been a nightmare. Kidney stones are horrible but the pain medicine messes with me as bad if not worse than the pain of the stone. Second of all I looped a terrible song choice, next time I'm in a funk find better music to loop. So I'm currently on an Iron Maiden binge. Bruce Dickinson, I really did not give you enough praise for your powerful vocals! Ok so tonight, the night after I vowed to never write again...well after last night's poem which you should read. Maybe I will explore that piece. But I've been in pain all week, the medication is playing havoc with me mentally and my anxiety is trying to resurface. My tics, slowly have been returning just from the physical stress. I want to get back to work. I want to get back to hanging with my friends. I want to especially get back to playing with my play partner. But alas, the pain medication got the best of my cognitive function and I made a mess. I am with hope and faith this will work out and what transpired will promote inner growth for me and hope he gains something positive as well. Because I am impaired I won't write anything heavy but pick apart my poem from last night...
I picked Dark Corner because the corner is for 'bad' behaviors, dark is hiding...also the corner because I need to sometimes just sit still! Thanks for being here... To take this out right....full of fucking hope I won't hide, I won't return to the dark and I won't be lost...maybe a little disoriented for a bit because I was on a path a fun path...and because my beautiful fucking mind is dirty as fuck and hopeful as all hell. I know you're the one! My back door is unchained! You're invited! Honey, it's getting close to daybreak The sun is creeping in the sky No patent remedies for heartache Just empty words and humble pie So get down on your knees, honey Assume an attitude You just pray that I'll be waiting 'Cause you know, you know I'm coming soon Bring your daughter Bring your daughter to the slaughter Let her go, let her go, let her go Bring your daughter Bring your daughter to the slaughter Let her go, let her go, let her go Iron Maiden Bring Your Daughter...to the Slaughter Until the flip~
drink fucking water fuck stones don't medicate and try to communicate! |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |