There is a bubbling back story going on behind the scenes of this site. It's not just about sex, fantasy and personal developments. There are also drafts here about the people I meet along the way. My journey finding a "Dom" is the main story I've been keeping track of and will at a much later time, share. I knew I didn't want to just have a sexual partner I wanted growth within myself. Growth in any form be it intellectual or sexual experiences, but really needed and wanted spiritual and psychological growth. I was in hope of a cerebral/spiritual connection. This is a portion of my diary piece about my current Dom...Meta. I wrote to my kitten friend I met through a mentor. I feel it is important enough in my growth, becoming undone and rebuilt, that I wanted to share now rather than later. All day yesterday I was reflective. He's psychologically intense, behavior modification for my betterment and role play kink keeping sexual play. I feel like a filly he's breaking me in; breaking me and having me build myself up. I've been undoing myself this past year but have needed another counterpart to help me with the remainder which is my sexual self. Can't discover too much with masturbation; it's sexual exploration with other people that removes layers. And it,s him. And my psyche this morning upon waking had this song (Confidence by Oscar Scheller and Ashnikko) playing my head. I could cry from revelations. Last night I cried because I lost faith in myself. My instinct was to pick him. My gut telling me to follow him. My head wanting to get in the way fought this. I cried knowing he is the one to show me a mirror and it would be difficult inner work. Cried he found me. Some of the lyrics to the song... [Verse 2: Ashnikko] Why am I so insufferably mean to myself? Why do I go the long way round when you offer help? Wouldn’t it be so damn easy if I could be the queen you see me as? They say you grow, but I can’t seem to lay my roots down [Pre-Chorus: Ashnikko & Oscar Scheller] And when I was a kid, I was top of the mountain All my confidence was flowing like fountains I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without it [Bridge: Ashnikko & Oscar Scheller] Tell me what is confidence Is it something I can find? Hero on a noble quest Slay the dragon, save a life I’m no damsel in distress Only I can save me Unafraid to be a mess So I face it bravely Chorus: Ashnikko & Oscar Scheller] With a little bit of confidence I could break the fourth wall down With a little bit of confidence I could turn the world around Step away from hurt and then watch it all fall down With a little bit of confidence Cause that’s All I need All I need Yeah, yeah Casey, Ashton, et al. “Oscar Scheller (Ft. Ashnikko) – Confidence.” Genius, 6 Sept. 2019, genius.com/Oscar-scheller-confidence-lyrics.
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I started with bcomingundone to get back to me and fet website for research. I ended up finding more of myself, however I feel with eating the apple I'm exposing, revealing rawness.
Work to be had, a past to let go and a present to grab onto. The proverbial mirror is making it's appearance; look closely. New territory, no guidance with only self to rely on. Intuition burnt yet required to frantically build self trust quickly lest I drown in this uncharted sea. A false sense of security, with those I've met along the way. A need to look to others for assistance as my own compass worn and broken. My sea legs weak and wavering knowing now is the time to stand but feeble from years walking straight but never forward. My voice strained and weak from shouts for help, from the endless sobbing because of skewed hopelessness and from the frail whispers as the only means to be noticed. My heart beats. Reliably beats. When my mind wanders it's my heart that sees me through. A defiance, in spite of me almost. When my mind mutters all is lost and there is no further need to hope, rhythmically, my heart, albeit faintly, still carries. Carries and protects a light from within. My beacon. My steward. A light bright like a sun; my heart protects this brightness from exhaustion, thus burning itself up into a white dwarf my mind would comfortably accept. I just need a moment of rest on this raft in this often turbulent sea. Darkness surrounds, engulfing me. My battered lonely spirit fighting along side my heart finding the courage and strength to stand. A lookout. Is what I need. To navigate, protect and search from above to see in the distance all is not lost. As above there is a calmness of things greater than me. So below a stillness my inner light will always remind me to see. world having to batten down the hatches forcing you to remain still long enough to find me searching me blindfolded and he asks do you trust me me the blank canvas needing you the artist says- take off your pants right now and start touching your pussy creating cultivating sustaining molding holding sculpting even scolding says- I have many things planned for you enters gallery gathering curating hanging arranging lovely art a shared dirty thought confirmed by a look from across the room crawl the hall cold floors beneath the feet raw knees exposed reeling in the heat submitting diligently eagerly gingerly his inhale before a kiss
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |