Within the first few seconds of waking up I grab my recorder and let my thoughts and dreams fly. A lot of the times I forget I recorded something and only weeks later I find something...here is rambling dictation of the Almost Sex Dream I had Jan 31 of this year. Enjoy. Finally a good almost sex dream. It was fucking hot like the level of detail, this dark haired older guy and I was telling him about how when I was younger I used to help my boyfriend when my boyfriend rode motocross and I would help him carry the gas cans it was so fucking heavy and then he was sending me some signals maybe, but then he was like I ride motocross still and he showed me this picture it looked like he was in some gear but he was lying back on a couch and he had black almost spandex pants on and he has this huge fucking dick outline you can see and he knew what he was doing when he was showing me this photo he wasn’t perpetuating memories or look what I do, it was more look of what I have and another point in the dream I had to excuse myself to go the bathroom it was a public bathroom and I felt like I squirted every where and I had to leave because the toilet wouldn’t flush and I was afraid people could hear me and then maybe a married guy and he sat down next to me but I can tell, I don't know if was the same motor bike guy the way he scooted too close to me and he caressed the side of my leg and looked me dead in the eye with a smile and said um please forgive me (I'm laughing) and then I was talking to a couple of other people and I didn’t even think this guy noticed me but as he was getting ready to leave with this hot girl I mean hot girl and I'm not even hot he lets her go ahead and acts like he forgot something and he came back to me and whispered something and I couldn’t even understand him but I feel like, so he whispered something I had to lean in closer to him and I feel like he did it on purpose so he could lean in closer to me to smell my hair and let me feel his breath on my neck and then he asked if he can contact me in a month and a half. A month and a half? I don’t know? Fuck I think there were 3 different guys. I don’t know dark hair brown eyes, fucking hot. So no actual fucking but I don't, can’t remember when I had a good sex dream. It was close and I’ll take it.
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I should be listening to my pre-made Drop playlist featuring the soothing tunes of Elbow, and predictably included in every I've-got-the-sadz playlist, Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. Certainly, let's not listen to Korn, or System Of A Down, and stay away from the likes of Pantera. You're right or is that I'm right? So, I just went for some Death Angel- album "The Evil Divide" instead. I met those tall fuckers in a literal crazy place, know me well enough I may just share. However, back to self care-that would be the responsible good, self-soothing task to take care of myself. The epitome of a good, responsible, sensible, play partner; self-servicing sub, self-caring sub or do-it-yourself sub aftercare. Quick to start. Very little care but the easy to accelerate trade off is often maintenance. I do and have self-soothed. For what. So I gently settle my self while my dropping hormones continue to drop? Self-soothe. Is fucking funny to me right at this moment. Sounds funny, silly alliteration or a subject. Sub subject, or subject the sub; no that's object or I object the sub objecting. In my head, in the dark corner, an image weeping in a darker corner self-soothing, thumb sucking wailing because of dropping hormones. A chemical reaction received from playing with ones that can easily accelerate me. A few minutes (well okay maybe with one of those players it's a bit longer) of an awesome high and a day or two later I'm coming down from the cum. Tired of self-servicing. You've met me right? 8 years now. Touch hunger? You have no idea. I will still drop regardless of self-care or care by anyone else. This time fuck the meditation. Fuck coloring. Fuck the soothing Tibetan bowls. Fuck the warm shower, fuck crying in that warm shower. Fuck the calming music. Ease for what? Aftercare for whom? For me? Maybe sometimes I don't want to self-soothe or soothe; this time would be a perfect fit for a slightly sadistic Dom. Meet my masochistic side. Just before I completely hit bottom, I get a bottom hit and my chemical high returns. Then just maybe, that's the time when I will readily self-soothe or just fucking edge that drop for a bit. I have no fucking clue, so I continue to self-educate. Until the flip~ new playlist: Fuk. U drop. I made a new Drop playist, "Fuk. U Drop."
sub mit Lots of water dreams lately. This one of a locked mausoleum at the end of a dock floating on water. Emotions locked away. An aspect of myself locked away thought for dead. I was 'told' I will rise. Leaving the cold stone building, so out of place floating at the edge of a dock. I have a couple pieces waiting to post. Even the above Mausoleum is incomplete but I haven't much else to add; I'm sure as it happens 'something' will be revealed making sense at another time. Or just make into something now and leave it as an incomplete completed thing. Back to my pieces. I just need to edit a bit and then post. The editing process as arduous as it can be, brings me joy spending the minutes reading and editing right before I post. However, this place in time I have no desire to read about my orgasms, no interest imagining anyone else's orgasms nor do I have any dick worshiping enthusiasm. My brakes are on today. My easy accelerator is unable to accelerate at this instant. I am all things at this moment. Tangled. Confined within an array of jumbled emotions- polarity of feelings and everything in between. The 'everything in between' is at the same time the polarity of these emotions; the juxtaposition of feelings becomes a blended interchanging woven crux of my current state of consciousness. I am fascinated, and confess a lot turned on even in my non-accelerated state, by contrasts. Hot/cold. Soft/hard. How amazing with the possibility to experience bliss at the same time while experiencing discomfort? I have butterflies currently while wallowing in feelings of self-pity. I have facial flushing from excitement while undergoing extreme sadness from a shift in an important teacher/student relationship. I am frozen with fear of what is to come next, yet I'm running to the next. My brain is trying to put things in boxes and wanting to sit with each box respectively; honoring. But I feel as though my spirit is not in need of sitting with boxes not wanting to experience each individual emotion. I also sense by allowing a free flow I am thus purposely creating the observer effect. As I am watching the polarities as a whole observer, not viewing one emotion thereby in reality by definition acting as a partial observer, but by being a whole observer the polarities become blended. I don't have to experience the pain of sadness, yet the uncomfortable feeling is 'there'. Because happiness is 'there' also, I am feeling comfortable. The polarities themselves become the in between; balancing, blending and being. The free flow creating an observer effect- the observer, the whole observer is creating a free flow. My sexual temperature now? Very warm. Vibrating in fact. The Mausoleum on the end of a dock floating in water- water represents emotion- the mausoleum holds the dead- death is a birth. Inside maybe it holds the death of my old ways of thinking and soon a new me will in fact rise. Until the flip~ be all the things another angry fuck urge
maybe this is a primal Surge tired of feeling on the inside instead need to feel something on the outside how lovely to have that someone to partake when I have this urge the need to make all of me shake Shake from me thoughts feelings emotions pent up intimacy that I have been without fill me replace my hollow cry with a primal Shout My sexual energy.
I am quick to accelerate and can easily overstimulate. I will quickly bring myself to orgasm to give myself a release. Today I have not. I was easily charged up today and left it. Letting my energy climb. Everything becomes sensual. I feel everything, through all of my senses. The heat currently climbing up my back-emanating from my lower back. I'm braless today. The soft cotton fabric from my t-shirt brushing against my breasts easily hardening my nipples. I can feel the waist band from my panties. The waist band from my baggy shorts- caressing my hips as it falls down my hips. The feel of the soft worn polyester shorts as I grab the sides gently pulling them back up over my wide hips. My wet mouth salivating as I held a wedge of a blood orange between my lips. Pushing the wedge in, parting my lips slowly. Partially in my mouth I drag my tongue over the veins of the orange. Gently suckling, pulling the juices from the dense piece, tastes sweet filling my warm eager mouth. Tangy going down my throat drinking it down. Gliding the slice across my tongue, I press my tongue flat; savoring every sensation on my tongue. This is just with an orange. Eyes open. You in my mouth. I close my eyes. I can't fathom. I no longer want to imagine. My impatience is close to boiling over. 8 years pent up. My exploration has only increased my want. My small energy discharges are just enough to keep me from bursting. However, these are no longer helping. Evident by my tics- my anxiety tics had turned. To sex exhales. I can't hide from you my excitement that you bring me. You'll hear it. My normal anxiety "fuckshit" now have a breathy exhale before and or after "fuckshit". You'll see it. My lower lip biting is more frequent. My head jerking forward with shoulder shrugs. I can cry from intensity and a painful need to release. I need discipline. I want to edge this. I don't want to use an orgasm to release it. If the end result is a mind blowing orgasm then why use an orgasm to release a little. I want it to build. Also I feel my orgasm isn't being put to good use; I want to share my orgasm. Maybe it's the years of masturbating alone I no longer want to always be alone with myself. I want to be trained. Trained to ride the heightened state of sexual energy. Recognize it and maybe turn it down a little. I can't think of anything else all day. I need to learn how to harness this sexual energy and put it somewhere else. My brain with just "put it somewhere else"; the visuals can be headache inducing. Breathe. I noticed my foot hasn't stopped twitching under me. I literally can't sit still. Be still in all of this vibration. I woke up wet and throbbing. As the day goes on my stimulation increases. Headache begins. Tics start. I can end this by having an orgasm. I feel I need to learn how to channel. Hold onto this for later? Savor for later? Release a little now and be built up again for more? Know how? I'm open- to learn, to be guided, directed....agh my thoughts again somewhere else. Meditation for now, I can go sit with the energy, but not shirtless like this morning. Until the flip~ channel the energy Thank you for being here. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |