Critical self-care.
I turned off my phone 24 hours ago. No connection to apps. No connection to dopamine fillers from saved messages. No connection to pictures that also provided dopamine hits. And no connection to saved audio or video clips that gives me the same chemical high. My attention objects A much needed break from my stimulus my head heart and sexual parts wanting to possess obsess while I miss I become a mess I fucking can't tell you how many times I heard my notifications go off...then realized it's in my head because the damn phone is completely off. Not airplane mode. Not silent. Completely off. Hurtful words from my child's father too. His codependency is choking me. He sharpens his blade of words and stabs me. I have seen his dark side peer; peek and bolt back in hiding from fear. But growing bold and he no longer cares to keep this evil in check, coming for me to include me in his wreck. I surrender raise my hands for help from the Divine please give me a reprieve tell me how give me a sign... Been making my way back to my healthy habits. And the evening of turning my phone off I grabbed my bike. Dilemma, I use my phone to listen to music while I ride. New concept, instead of drowning self in noise to stimulate the self induced drama feeding masochistic ego in need of a high, let's 'just' fucking ride? Allow the moment, the real world moment and nature and Earth provide 'music'. Stop fucking controlling every minute. Stop controlling every fucking emotion. I rode. I rode and cried. I cried from thoughts and cried for noticing. Touching the beautiful thick soft semi moist bright green and dull brown moss that hugged and clung to a tree I always pass by on my ride. I have a thing for trees. And I'm going to follow this thing. Strong Tall Phallic rooted deep in the Earth reaching far above for the sky critters seek refuge a place to call home a harbor a den I hug when in need of a chakra to open One day I'd like to go exploring with my camera and paper and charcoal in hand for some pictures and bark rubbings. Quiet exploration. Touching. Feeling. Caressing and sensing. Realizing awakening to my presence here on this Earth. I share this space with magnificent beauty the sky and the dirt. Such a thing for trees I wanted to draw the trees I 'see' when I read science fiction books from the Nebula Awards list...maybe I will start that since I'm not too far down the list. I will always enjoy rereading Dune! I have an audio, on my tablet, once I had accidentally and wonderfully induced an astralgasm. I should write about my experience. This morning after reading some of Betty Dodson, "Sex For One: The Joy of Selfloving" it was her art and the story of how her and her lover opened their worlds through mutual masturbation experiences; I was aroused and felt a desire to love myself. I used the same audio that helped me the first time. No expectations just experiencing the self induced sensations in my body. I left my body the pains aside sliding to my middle my center my heart inside met with ripples and waves i danced with myself a smile to my soul i gave her a break a reprieve much earlier the sign that I need i went above and saw below in or out of physical or emotional pain i'm held firmly and securely in the safety of my inner Divine My astralgasm this morning, a fantasy did escape my mind before my orgasm climbed...me and another experiencing and achieving an astralgasm in the presence of each other. I cried as my mind floated back to my body wanting to stay 'up' there. Cried for the heaviness of being human and all that I've been made to feel. I needed this time this space from outside stimuli and just be with myself. I needed to curl up in a ball to cry. Sweat it out on bike rides. After every bike ride, I load my bike in the back and once in the driver seat, I lower the seat and lean back with legs splayed and give myself an orgasm- the bike seat presses so hard against me it makes my vulva swell. Once the blood returns it about gives me an orgasm. Without the phone without his pictures, messages, audios or videos, without porn even...I used the sensations of my body and in my mind a few pictures to give me orgasms. Delicious to just be still and follow my sensations. To be alone outside and inside. I will turn my phone back on and reconnect tomorrow about 45 hours later. I'm not worried if my attention object left. He'll understand. My close friends know I'm in and out a lot but I always return. First time though I forced myself to remove stimuli, the quiet made me cry I want to be still I want to just be, needed this quiet time to reflect and make it all about me. I was in crisis. Melting feeling rejected rejecting myself stimulus too much needed to sit inside myself beside myself needing to get in touch to not think to not react calm the loud chaos with multitude of minutes with quietness of solitude to shift my focus to reclaim my attention the world wasn't rejecting me divine was gifting me abstention Mr. Bungle Retrovertigo I thank your spirit for being here... Until the flip~ hang up that phone sit still be left alone
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Finding my center
Trying not to flounder Holding at arm's length Until I feel secure enough Allowing my outer layers to slowly melt Away like the chocolate coating of the chocolate candy You gently place in my mouth While I'm sucking on your cock Then it fully explodes in my mouth Giving way to a creamy filled center Pick a flavor! Dark https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvoTktdpIiI Light https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcF7R4RKBI Mitch Hedberg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt-xcfyVmLU How I explained my subspace, my out of body experience before I drop in my body~
Being out of body feels so good! Being human is hard. Having the meat suit is heavy. I feel so much and intensely feel. Being out of my body gives me a break. Coming out of body, feels natural like combustion. Like striking a match. The combustion is great because there is more energy, reactants and potential energies, generated than can escape. With his touch, I shake. With his voice, I quake. Energies building within me. Swirling Heating Igniting Once the reactants and energies and the products of kinetic energy becomes balanced then combustion stops- this is equilibrium; this is when I can then drop in my body and experience the moment. With his touch, I become calm. With his voice, I become tranquil. Sensations experienced and remembered. Aware Awake Responsive Ahhh and what does crashing into another's gravitational field like? Burn up on impact?! Fun for a second. But I am looking for something to last longer. Stick Boy and Match Girl Stick boy liked Match Girl He liked her a lot He liked her cute figure He thought she was hot. But could a flame ever burn for a match and a stick? It did quite literally he burned up quick. -Tim Burton Soft blue gray light
cold floor empty room A dark night She’s on her knees restless Head won’t stay down A smile fades from her panicked lips Master enters her eyes avoid his The quiet storm Crossing over he walks with purpose Towards the circle where she sits Folded in his gentle hand is a bull whip… New for her New for them The whip slowly threading from his hands She’s antsy and wants to rise Her hands forward flat on the floor Readying herself to a lift She smiles as he circles deliberately behind her He knows her every thought He knows her every need She wants to protest instead bites her lip For he is not a sadist This is not him She knows he will not use the whip She moves to rise CRACK She feels the breeze whip by The tail strikes the air next to her ear Back down she sits Unsure Needing to move Or Aching to quit She tests She moves CRACK She feels the vibration the sound the whip created On bended knees she still sits Quiet Silent Noticing her beating heart Now mindful of her breath A slow inhale drawing in an energetic hug An exhale letting go untwisting All knots from her hallucinations That act like a drug Nothing sexual empty Nothing crosses her mind tranquil She smiles understands This was Master’s intent Forced serenity Not repent Eyes draw close as a tear falls free For old stories And past races No running Towards a win Patience Finding a peace here Within Eyes blink open Empty is the room This master for he did not exist A smile crosses her calm lips She realizes it was she That made herself sit Made up for the makeups
stillness lying on back Head up high in subspace bring me down back Hand up towards my breasts reaching back smacking slapping spanking Me back in my body feeling connected feeling orgasmic Breasts both dappled with your markings green yellow blue Days of drop just look down your presence there in the dappled hues Monthly Challenge "Dappled" |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |