It's been a couple of weeks since an actual DV encounter. The sexual fantasies aftermath left a blurred line between real life and friction fiction not remembering when it had stopped. I had to jog through my writing and some direct messages to get an actual point. I really don't even know the actual day we last spoke. I have no desire to explore possible insecurities of why we haven't talked; my 15 year old self loathing goth days are long behind me. I'm not troubled or have feelings- good, bad, or indifference that he has disappeared and the memory of his voice is gone also. I've been playing, not gone dark or hidden from anyone. I care enough that he is okay and not hurt or laid up in a hospital. What I do feel is that it's not about him. Maybe never was. And yet I want more.
Audible memory has faded. His, what I would have described his voice as being sexy and seductive, has dissipated and left my memory. His words made my legs tremble with excitement. His voice made me wet. The thought of this leaves a pit in my stomach. Delicious Voice. His very nickname. How the fuck could I forget something that had excited me so? So cruel. Like the fairy tales, was it not his 'kiss' that woke up sleeping beauty? His voice should've been burned into my brain to recall at anytime I need a release. Had I been without for so long any gentle breeze pressing up against me would have started me up? Been without sustenance, Vitamin D, for too long it was just a matter time I'd explode? This pit in my stomach grows. My need for this to be wrong is great. Why is it so important? I'm feeling a desperation; frog in my throat choking from desperation. All of this excitement must be because of him. His voice, the image of his hard cock (or maybe stolen image) I did see a partial pic of him-appears easy on the eyes, his double talk, was it not this compilation all together, the entire package (pun intended?) that frenzied me into multiple states of arousal multiple times? I so wanted it to be because of him. Dissecting this thought, the pit in my stomach rolls into a cold flush that spreads through out my body. It's me. Which means I didn't lose this, I at some point decided to lock her up and until recently freed her. I had her wasting away. Drying up. Briefly glimpsed of how I used to feel. How I was. Maybe he was just a catalyst. Is it wrong for me to use another and want to continue to use another? DV was a spark, because how can people connect with just a voice, barely knowing each other? He just gave off the right amount of heat my gas filled oven that had may be been seeping for years finally exploded. If you haven't read about the oven shaking, here...it's that good. The brief encounter, the momentary exchange revealed my passion. I had a release-and since, fantasies have cooled down immensely, trying the book 50 Shades to excite me now. The encounter was enough to release the pent up energy, the way a small earthquake releases tectonic plate pressure. Panties, (although maybe this word still excites me even though the memory of his voice is gone) pulled back up, skirt straightened and breath caught; I don't think I can be shaken again so easily-unless the 100+ million are wrong about 50 Shades and I just need to attack that. When I have a panic attack, I sometimes use a fingering technique; not as exciting as you are thinking. I use my hand, palm side facing down and I slowly trace from the wrist up the side of the thumb around and down to the other side. Then slowly up the first finger, around and down the other side. All the while counting, each side is counted all the way up to 10 ending right side of pinky to the wrist. Up the side of the thumb is one, down the other side of the thumb is two. Up the first finger is three, etc. See not as exciting. It returns me to the present moment from the feeling of fear, an excited state. When talking with DV I was easily aroused, maybe too easily-it was too much. Arousal is a feeling, an excited state. Maybe next time I should use the fingering; fingers to fucking calm or fingers to fuck n cum and not give two squirts about anything- or is it give two squirts? ;) Where am I going with this? It's just this morning I didn't wake up with a song in my head or a thought of anything arousing. Did I return to hiding my passion only making appearances because of certain people? Or I allowed her to make an appearance? I wanted the former to be true otherwise I'm doing this to myself locking her up and allowing when she may come out. If it was the magic of some other person then I could just easily seek these magical people to let me out every now and then (bi-monthly would be nice a scheduled cum sesh and then returned to normal life). But it's me. A cum sesh. Could it be that simple? Just have someone, use someone? That has to be wrong but why does this excite me? They'd also be getting pleasure out of this, so it's not one sided play. It would also make for a great read, fuck 50 Shades. Maybe I should add some rules...
0 Comments
Seriously really trying to read 50 Shades of Grey. The past few nights all it's helped me do is fall asleep. No arousal just made me sleepy. Nothing I read made me feel like I needed a release and it's been quite sometime since I've last master'd myself. Tonight the book is finally getting to some good bits, however, my mind wanders. Memories and my wanting to read my own writing about DV has me distracted and cheating on this book. Even coming here to just write is something I'd prefer than read the book. So far the book doesn't give me shower material or warm me up for fantasies just makes me want to write my own erotica. Mainly about DV since he was the most recent and a bit mysterious.
The magic of the mysterious. I'm not so sure I want to talk to him, DV, again. I KNOW CRAZY TALK. Never mind the fact we haven't spoken in weeks, and every fiber in me says this is him ghosting me (fear, skerd, I'm too much, too ugly, too this or too that); it's moot. Even if he was reaching out to me, what if his voice isn't as delicious as I made it to be remembered as? Then my fantasies wouldn't be as powerful? What if it was all in my head, I was just horny and he just happened to be at the right place and right time? It likely could've been any other guy? Maybe I've been so hard up I'm the equivalent of a 15 year old boy cumming from just catching a glimpse of side boob. Well, maybe not a good example since I could cum from seeing an exposed partial breast-with me it isn't side boob that I find hot it's the under boob. With the breasts mostly covered only the bottom portion offering a peekaboo is hot. Agh, because of breast I digress. Was DV just a catalyst? We played a few times prior to our headset session and seemed innocent enough right? When did, the double talk happen, or was it always there? Who pitched first? Maybe it was I that tossed first to test waters? Seems like it must've been him; as I'm not one to go looking for this type of play he was my first gaming sex. Me, was I pretending to be innocent from the get go or was I really blushing because he in fact did catch me off guard? More than one occasion I was red faced and even mentioned to him FO76 needs a blushing emoticon. When pics were being exchanged I do remember thinking I did not want this to happen, minus the dic pic which was awesome whether it was stolen or not the image was put to good use. Even seen a partial face of his, seemed cute from what I could tell and enough for me to want to sit on it. I never wanted face time or even fantasized about meeting irl; the mysterious. Wanted to keep all of it in the fantasy realm. Isn't fantasy way better than real life? I had no plans meeting him so why not completely live this up to just fantasy? Now however, sadly, though I feel like if his was in a voice line up, would I be able to pick out his voice? I had made such a big deal about his delicious voice and here this delicious memory is fading into some friction fiction. If this was all in my head then what was it he said that made me remember I love dirty talk, the fun of sexy banter and blush from our conversations. I had blocked another guy that was trying to sext- why did I block that guy and yet got turned on from DV? What about him, something he said, or was it his fading delicious voice that warmed me up? The book, 50 Shades of Grey, I had hoped would keep me warmed up but it isn't and what did warm me up is starting to fade.
Song in my head this morning, Weezer "Say It Ain't So". Whatever that means. Likely some deep seeded psychological knot I'm not willing to unravel right now. I'm just glad I momentarily feel like writing after a Non Sensual session last night. Also first thought upon waking, "box". Maybe this idea is more superficial and can easily be dissected; something with sexuality and not so blatant as to mean my pussy/box. DV isn't the first to mention something about my voice, I've been told my sensuality is palpable. Someone even said my smile is as if I'm hiding a sexy secret, like I'm fantasizing about giving someone a blow job.
A half laugh from me as I recall, while some women before dates eat something so they wouldn't eat too much during the date, I would pleasure myself. My predate warm up was usually to Marvin Gaye "Let's Get It On" or Led Zeppelin in "Kashmir"; I'd fantasize about my date. What he would wear, how he would smell and hopefully what activity would transpire. The 'delish' was in the details. Self pleasuring was both a warm up and cool down. Make myself cum and I'd calm down enough to have the date rather than just suggest we get right to the fucking. After orgasm I'd slide my fingers deep inside. Take the wetness and rub it behind my ears, on my wrists, and at points at my ankles. My primal perfume if you will. Maybe it worked. I don't know but I loved the scent and I guess my 'secret'. Blindfolded, tied up and spanked I love this sexy vulnerability. Exposed flesh after a delicious spanking is sensitive to the breath of a gentle after kiss. I feel super sensitive after meeting an equally sensual perceptive person. The box looms. Beckons secret safety, but I love my vulnerability, my openness to feel electricity and want to explore; run with it. Come undone. Be in the moment. Not get caught up in tomorrow or the past. Is it really wrong to feel good in the moment? To just savor and enjoy something that feels good. I feel the cosmos punishing me. The box is calling. No more exposure and no risk of danger. Don't be open. Repression is familiar and isn't familiarity comfortable? The safe place, the secure place climb back in, life was tolerable and okay. Keep the secret under wraps. Maybe I am saying, "say it ain't so" don't repress, and don't store away. Don't fade my smile. Until the flip...
The song that pops into my head upon waking is usually the kind of day I will have....
Ludacris Vitamin D. So not a normal morning? Nope, shaky with thoughts, butterflies fill my stomach- more excited than a virgin at a prison rodeo. Turns out I went to bed pondering my desire to be snuck up on; what is the psychological pull behind it? My eyes closed but my brain explored this idea, which is why I woke up in this state of trembling sexual arousal. Must go to the gym in this condition. Working out, not cardio as that can be happily achieved in a different form of exercise, but lifting weights. Using the weight machines to be precise. Not only makes my brain happy but excites my body. The acts of lifting. Pushing. Pulling. Heavy breaths during and between reps fires up my engine. I've had to stop doing crunches at the gym, the on my back missionary style crunches. See how I turned left to fuckville? It's really difficult to rub one out in the restroom just because someone is always in there shitting which is such a buzz kill. The showers are always full. Sometimes the prison yard has a few jewels to bestow my eyes upon, mainly males but I will admire a beautiful female's physique. I like the ones that are not arrogantly flexing or grunting. The ones that are just there to do their time because it makes them feel good and look good. My mind turns to DV. Him spotting me. Encouraging me. Telling me to go slower. Giving me breathy counts,"3...2...1... Gooooood girl. Release." Ohhh mmmmmmy. Have to be careful. Last week I was more focused on fantasy than arm position and tweaked my upper back-trapezius muscle. I just got it well enough to go back to arms, I don't need another injury. So, more focused on lifting, but now also thinking. If he was at the gym with me how that would look. The sexual tension, ripe with electricity, how could it not be felt by others. It would be so hard to concentrate on my lifting, take him seriously or take any of it seriously when I'd just want to hurry the session and end it with a hot and heavy sweaty private cardio workout. My nipples grow hard with thought. The elasticity in my sports bra has relaxed as my bulbous breasts are all too happy to heavy shake as I walk over to the lat pull down machine. Slight blush crosses my cheeks, as I felt my tits were being too dramatic and noticeable. I feel my crotch heat up as I imagine it was him I was about to straddle with my breasts slowly jiggle over him. While holding a firm grip on the pull down bar I slowly lower my ass onto the triangle seat, maintaining good form as thighs distribute my weight. I'm glad the elastic in my bra has weakened. The nerves in my breasts are alive. I can feel my nipples harden to attention as I pull the bar down. The fabric of my bra is slowly sliding across my tits, I make my shoulders pull forward closer together to get my breasts to move more. Ahhh it feels good, but I could injure myself again. Pay attention. Slowly returning the lat bar up, the fabric rubs gently again. Focus. Finish reps, now new machine. Shoulder press machine should be safe. Should be. I discovered tis not. For me at least. I realized as I'm pressing the handle bars up the weight is pushing my cunt harder down onto the seat. I can feel my lips spread, exposing my clit. Feeling this I start to get wet. Glad I have a pantyliner on today. Down to return position. Up again more pressure on my clit. Slowly back down again. Happily going back up, my clit must be getting hard it seems more sensitive. My pussy feels like it wants to open eager for something to enter, right here and now. I finish my set. Triceps push down machine. Yeah here my body felt like it wouldn't start to cum, but the bending of my elbows just had me thinking about my previous fantasy with DV. The washing machine. Him lifting me, my elbows bent to balance and hold myself up while he works himself slowly inside of me. Eyes locked. He unhurriedly in a teasing manner pulls back and then deeply pile drives me. Oh fuck. My pussy is now soaking the liner, I can feel wetness. Sexual butterflies buzzing around in my stomach. I need to release them. I hope the bathroom is free, cause I'm cumming.
I've been sporadic with my game play and I've removed social media from my phone. I'm not hiding, nor do I want to get all caught up on seeing whether or not he's reaching out to me. I needed to pull back and life for a bit. It can't be that intense all of the time, things would get too raw. Keep it lit but a slow burn. I did see him a few times online and was bummed because I had preferred to play with him at that time more so than with my current friends. Is it possible to continuously repeat our first encounter? I decided I'd much prefer he sneak up on me again. Game in a game. ;)
Like a wave. Silent until he comes up on me. Enveloping me. Making me wet. Coming in hard then pulls back. Ebbs slowly, pulling back. Prey stalking. The MMO is a perfect environment to create and make magic happen. Even recreate. It's doable. The element of surprise. I'd be in a constant state of anticipation. Not knowing when. Not knowing where he'd strike. On edge. One minute deep in my game playing but then hear a rustle of something. Don't check the map, just hold still and listen. It's been I think a week. Evident here he left me plenty in my tank. Lots of shower material. My imagination and memory has served me well with his imprint. I've spent the time cleaning, well, in between self pleasuring and writing, some cleaning. My world shook as hard as my legs shake during an intense self cumming session that was brought about by him. Now the after shocks are waning. Don't get me wrong I can easily reheat, just with the memories and some rereading direct messages are helpful. However once the gas is gone it's just faint vapors until another fill up. Oh shit, what if there isn't another fill up? My words here, can help me relive. I get the Snapchat thrill, the delete. However where is the savoring, the marinating if given a 'gift' only to have it self destruct upon exiting? None. I'm glad I have something in somewhat his voice, his written words at least. Even though the snaps are gone, the image of his beautiful, erect, commanding attention, hard cock that deserved to be swallowed is burned into my mind. Don't stop. Until the flip, pull it to the side, keep it up and go slow~ |
cum hear me on my podcastCategories
All
Archives
May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |