(Listening to Dave Matthews "Crash Into Me") She lost her virginity Grey; excuse my sarcastic tone-they made love. Eye roll. The first 23 times with the guy that said we'd get married, I swore I was suppose to be a nun. It was awful. He was naive and awful. He was boring. I'm currently bored and in need of play. Crave some play. My out of state trip uneventful -all but family emergencies with immediate family in tow. Playing tourist was fun. Even the weather was dumb.
Now heading home my mind returns to DV. I know I said I didn't want to hear his voice and let my fantasy of him live on, but I long for a lip biting blush that only he gave. Be slowly fed double entendres, while taking a delicious few seconds to decide if talk was gaming talk or something else. Dirty. Biting my lower lip. In the back of the quiet van due to others sleeping or busy driving, I could, if the situation were to arise relieve some pressure. No one would know. Lap my blanket and just look out the window to see if the stranger in the next car would notice. Ahhh, memories of car self pleasuring sessions. I had a '78 blue Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme-sparkle blue with a sunroof. I used the cruise control for the purpose of not for what it was intended! I loved warm city summer nights. As said before, with all of my dates, I'd have to make myself cum first. Before meeting up with my boyfriend I'd open the sun roof and set her to cruise. The warm winds and summer smells filled the car while I slid my right hand down my panties. (ahhh that word dv said so nicely but can't remember) A semi truck beside me, not sure if anyone could see me or that I cared, made me hotter. The thought of getting caught. Enough freeway and light traffic I didn't have to worry about having to hurry my climax. It was too much anyhow, I'm wet just thinking about that time. My jeep, however has no cruise control, and was a little harder to orgasm in. A particular drive from Mt. Shasta to Sacramento my boyfriend, at the time, sitting in the passenger seat was just watching wondering what I was up to. I wanted his attention and to get him hard as I planned to off road to have a quick fuck. I loved my roll bars. Hanging onto them while sliding my ass down onto his cock, man I love those bars. Trying to make myself cum while driving- the winding roads, foot on gas and one hand on wheel, felt dangerous; he had to take the wheel to make sure we didn't crash- I came quickly. Tonight thinking about these 'trips' started to get me hot and wet. As much as I'd love the challenge to see if a stranger in another car could see me have an orgasm it was getting dark and we were close to home. I'd rather tonight just have my excitement build. As much as I'd hate to admit this, DV won't be back and his delicious fading voice will soon be gone from memory. I have this 50 Shades book to at least warm me up and keep me warm...but just seems every time I try to get into it my mind wanders somewhere else. Maybe the only chance this book has with me is, if and when DVs voice and memory did in fact fade. After the fade then the shade. Ahhh booo-cheezy mcgreasy- Tried and failed at word play, fade/50 Shades. I'm thinking is must've been DV, I'm horrible at the game. Fucking beautiful fates- fades out with Dave Matthews "Say Goodbye"... "Just for an evening When we make our passion pictures You and me twist up Secret creatures And we'll stay here Tomorrow go back to being friends..." I hope we can go back to being friends, I have rules now so players know their positions and how to play. I doubt his silence is part of the 'the hot game' to get me worked up with anticipation; although that would be a cool fucking trick. "Sweet dreams" ...I return with a jumbled comment that hears more like, "Okay bae" I think it was a mixture of good-bye talk later = bye+later came out as bae...twisted. He had me. So I've got nothing until the flip, no pulling anything to the side, nothing kept up or telling anyone stay slow-tonight it will be just an "Okay 'bae'" ;) Sweet dreams...
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Still with 50 Shades of Grey, made it to when he discovered she's a virgin and yawn, he wants to 'fix it'. I call bullshit. Not even had masturbated. For fuck's sake I remember as a kid I would masturbate to the idea I couldn't wait until I was old enough to have sex. I even wanted orgies! So much wrong with that maybe therapy is needed for that but even as a teenager I couldn't wait to fuck. I knew enough to want my first to be special and with parents in my head, I wanted to be engaged. So the first fucker that gave me a promise ring I gave him me. I was almost 18 years old.
But until then I was doing everything else but penis to vagina intercourse! I'm just not buying into the book's bullshit this chick is a virgin AND never masturbated. Then of course my mind wanders. Wishing I had my laptop with me, my notes will be added to my phone app. Since Grey showed her his rules my mind started to fantasize about "my rules". Hilarious because I do not have any. Safe words I had, but never rules. However, my heart is racing and I feel a twitch in my groin that maybe I should have rules? Whoa, could I be a closet dominant?! This is definitely exciting me. Without specifics, my rules: 1. Timing 2. Minimizing 3. Feelings 4. Non scheduled sessions-master avoidance 5. Social media darkness 6. Permission-undecided to disclose this site before, during or after playing, do you have any thoughts? Would love to hear, male or female perspectives as I'm open. Something is tingling. Fantasizing about sharing the actual rules. These are partial rules, since I share pretty much everything minus names here, I want these rules to be sacred. Just for my dutiful obedient participant(s)?
It's been a couple of weeks since an actual DV encounter. The sexual fantasies aftermath left a blurred line between real life and friction fiction not remembering when it had stopped. I had to jog through my writing and some direct messages to get an actual point. I really don't even know the actual day we last spoke. I have no desire to explore possible insecurities of why we haven't talked; my 15 year old self loathing goth days are long behind me. I'm not troubled or have feelings- good, bad, or indifference that he has disappeared and the memory of his voice is gone also. I've been playing, not gone dark or hidden from anyone. I care enough that he is okay and not hurt or laid up in a hospital. What I do feel is that it's not about him. Maybe never was. And yet I want more.
Audible memory has faded. His, what I would have described his voice as being sexy and seductive, has dissipated and left my memory. His words made my legs tremble with excitement. His voice made me wet. The thought of this leaves a pit in my stomach. Delicious Voice. His very nickname. How the fuck could I forget something that had excited me so? So cruel. Like the fairy tales, was it not his 'kiss' that woke up sleeping beauty? His voice should've been burned into my brain to recall at anytime I need a release. Had I been without for so long any gentle breeze pressing up against me would have started me up? Been without sustenance, Vitamin D, for too long it was just a matter time I'd explode? This pit in my stomach grows. My need for this to be wrong is great. Why is it so important? I'm feeling a desperation; frog in my throat choking from desperation. All of this excitement must be because of him. His voice, the image of his hard cock (or maybe stolen image) I did see a partial pic of him-appears easy on the eyes, his double talk, was it not this compilation all together, the entire package (pun intended?) that frenzied me into multiple states of arousal multiple times? I so wanted it to be because of him. Dissecting this thought, the pit in my stomach rolls into a cold flush that spreads through out my body. It's me. Which means I didn't lose this, I at some point decided to lock her up and until recently freed her. I had her wasting away. Drying up. Briefly glimpsed of how I used to feel. How I was. Maybe he was just a catalyst. Is it wrong for me to use another and want to continue to use another? DV was a spark, because how can people connect with just a voice, barely knowing each other? He just gave off the right amount of heat my gas filled oven that had may be been seeping for years finally exploded. If you haven't read about the oven shaking, here...it's that good. The brief encounter, the momentary exchange revealed my passion. I had a release-and since, fantasies have cooled down immensely, trying the book 50 Shades to excite me now. The encounter was enough to release the pent up energy, the way a small earthquake releases tectonic plate pressure. Panties, (although maybe this word still excites me even though the memory of his voice is gone) pulled back up, skirt straightened and breath caught; I don't think I can be shaken again so easily-unless the 100+ million are wrong about 50 Shades and I just need to attack that. When I have a panic attack, I sometimes use a fingering technique; not as exciting as you are thinking. I use my hand, palm side facing down and I slowly trace from the wrist up the side of the thumb around and down to the other side. Then slowly up the first finger, around and down the other side. All the while counting, each side is counted all the way up to 10 ending right side of pinky to the wrist. Up the side of the thumb is one, down the other side of the thumb is two. Up the first finger is three, etc. See not as exciting. It returns me to the present moment from the feeling of fear, an excited state. When talking with DV I was easily aroused, maybe too easily-it was too much. Arousal is a feeling, an excited state. Maybe next time I should use the fingering; fingers to fucking calm or fingers to fuck n cum and not give two squirts about anything- or is it give two squirts? ;) Where am I going with this? It's just this morning I didn't wake up with a song in my head or a thought of anything arousing. Did I return to hiding my passion only making appearances because of certain people? Or I allowed her to make an appearance? I wanted the former to be true otherwise I'm doing this to myself locking her up and allowing when she may come out. If it was the magic of some other person then I could just easily seek these magical people to let me out every now and then (bi-monthly would be nice a scheduled cum sesh and then returned to normal life). But it's me. A cum sesh. Could it be that simple? Just have someone, use someone? That has to be wrong but why does this excite me? They'd also be getting pleasure out of this, so it's not one sided play. It would also make for a great read, fuck 50 Shades. Maybe I should add some rules...
Seriously really trying to read 50 Shades of Grey. The past few nights all it's helped me do is fall asleep. No arousal just made me sleepy. Nothing I read made me feel like I needed a release and it's been quite sometime since I've last master'd myself. Tonight the book is finally getting to some good bits, however, my mind wanders. Memories and my wanting to read my own writing about DV has me distracted and cheating on this book. Even coming here to just write is something I'd prefer than read the book. So far the book doesn't give me shower material or warm me up for fantasies just makes me want to write my own erotica. Mainly about DV since he was the most recent and a bit mysterious.
The magic of the mysterious. I'm not so sure I want to talk to him, DV, again. I KNOW CRAZY TALK. Never mind the fact we haven't spoken in weeks, and every fiber in me says this is him ghosting me (fear, skerd, I'm too much, too ugly, too this or too that); it's moot. Even if he was reaching out to me, what if his voice isn't as delicious as I made it to be remembered as? Then my fantasies wouldn't be as powerful? What if it was all in my head, I was just horny and he just happened to be at the right place and right time? It likely could've been any other guy? Maybe I've been so hard up I'm the equivalent of a 15 year old boy cumming from just catching a glimpse of side boob. Well, maybe not a good example since I could cum from seeing an exposed partial breast-with me it isn't side boob that I find hot it's the under boob. With the breasts mostly covered only the bottom portion offering a peekaboo is hot. Agh, because of breast I digress. Was DV just a catalyst? We played a few times prior to our headset session and seemed innocent enough right? When did, the double talk happen, or was it always there? Who pitched first? Maybe it was I that tossed first to test waters? Seems like it must've been him; as I'm not one to go looking for this type of play he was my first gaming sex. Me, was I pretending to be innocent from the get go or was I really blushing because he in fact did catch me off guard? More than one occasion I was red faced and even mentioned to him FO76 needs a blushing emoticon. When pics were being exchanged I do remember thinking I did not want this to happen, minus the dic pic which was awesome whether it was stolen or not the image was put to good use. Even seen a partial face of his, seemed cute from what I could tell and enough for me to want to sit on it. I never wanted face time or even fantasized about meeting irl; the mysterious. Wanted to keep all of it in the fantasy realm. Isn't fantasy way better than real life? I had no plans meeting him so why not completely live this up to just fantasy? Now however, sadly, though I feel like if his was in a voice line up, would I be able to pick out his voice? I had made such a big deal about his delicious voice and here this delicious memory is fading into some friction fiction. If this was all in my head then what was it he said that made me remember I love dirty talk, the fun of sexy banter and blush from our conversations. I had blocked another guy that was trying to sext- why did I block that guy and yet got turned on from DV? What about him, something he said, or was it his fading delicious voice that warmed me up? The book, 50 Shades of Grey, I had hoped would keep me warmed up but it isn't and what did warm me up is starting to fade. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |