The butterflies are frantically banging around inside. I don't understand why they can't settle nor figure out what stirred them. So I'm up thinking and wanting to write. My mind feeling a need to explore exhibitionism. Me, the people watcher enjoys being watched. I had a thought about the blog being part of my exhibitionist tendency. The excitement I feel when I can see numbers about new viewers and page views increasing can get me started. Thinking about others getting excited about my work turns me on.
Even more thrilling is when he comes at me with one word, comment, quote, or a question about the post the previous day; I get wet. The butterflies in my stomach will start to vibrate; making me ache for him. Gets deep inside my head. This morning their agitation began when I was thinking about this feeling I have when I don't hear from him about my writing. What am I experiencing and why? It's not anything negative, like hurt or anger. My knees weaken. Almost breathless as I'm checking in with myself. Trying to capture this emotion. It's excitement no doubt. How am I excited that he might be reading but not letting me know especially if he likes or doesn't like it? He's watching me from afar. Wanting to see what unfolds. Maybe quietly stalking me; I'm his prey. Watching, waiting; will he or won't he pounce. Does my writing please? Is he enjoying the show so far? I have no idea. No inclination any of this turns him on. But I guess that's the point, he's watching something, while removed. The thought he might be there quietly watching coupled with the thrill of waiting for that contact keeps me on my toes, keeps the butterflies on standby. They're waiting for a faint rustle, or a small ripple of a token whispering praise.
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My head consumed by imagination; tried to push out the negative thoughts. He said he would call at 9 pm. Closer to 10 pm and I sent him a message asking if anything happened since the last time we talked Thursday. I will need time to get over my knee jerk reaction when I don't hear from him. Left alone with my negative thoughts. I can see he opened the snap with the link to my post yet he hadn't mentioned whether he read the post. Afraid he's thinking I am too intense or doesn't want me to write about him. I was full of tics today. Finally he messaged me, he apologized saying he went out to dinner.
I called or he called, can't remember. He switched to video. Oy. Nervous. What if he doesn't look as I remember or what if he doesn't like how I look? Oddly my tics are taking the pressure off of this insecurity, but then I'm scared I really look weird. My breath, shortens when I see him. Been so long, I've missed him. I could've cried. Still hot. My tics started acting up pretty badly; I was excited emotionally and physically. He hadn't brought up the post I made about him and every time I wanted to bring it up my tics started up. I was so nervous asking him about the writing. My sexual line I don't want to cross is I want to wait until I was with him to have an orgasm. I will more than happily deliver facetimes of me coming along with nudes after we've been physically together. I think it would be a great tortuous form of foreplay. Sexy pics or coming through voice chats only. However when it comes to him, my line gets blurred or disappears altogether; I become a soft moldable pliable subject waiting for his tools and words to guide and shape me. I told him how I love the way he looks at me. Him wanting to know what that looks like I explained it looks like he wants to savor me slowly and then savagely devour me. Natural dom in him. And although I'm not so much a brat he brings her out of me; I think that might be his unbeknownst kink. I can't help but start to feel on my breasts. He says he wants to see the bottom of one. Ahhh a sexy peek. Now cleavage and side boob is okay but when I see the bottom of the breast I instantly get turned on. I slip my hand under my shirt and sports bra and grab a handful of my breast. I check the mirror next to me to see if my large areola is covered sufficiently with my hand. I slowly slide my shirt up and expose the sexy bottom portion of my swelling breast as requested. He then tells me take my sport bra off. I tic forward, my tics happen when I'm excited. My dead give away as I'm for sure sexually excited. However I'm struggling with my line I didn't want to cross. I really want him to see all of me in person first. I think it would be sexier. But my tits, I can't keep my hands off of them. Especially, seeing that smile come across his lips viewing the bottom of my partially exposed breast. I want to see him smile that way again. Using my bent knees, I pull a pillow up to my chest, propping up I reach under my blanket and pull my shirt up over my head. After I pull off my sports bra I slip my shirt back on. Feels so good to be free. I can't help but play with them even more and tug at my nipples. My tits feel so full eager to be touched. Biting my lower lip, I grab and knead my tits while he's watching; feels so amazing. Another of my line was to not to cum through video chat; I want it with him first. I can feel my lines melting away as I slip my hand under my blanket. He asks where my hand is going and what is it doing. I pull it back up to my mouth, slip my two fingers in my mouth and give it a wet lick and suck. A sly smile escapes me. I am incorrigible. In a soft moan, I tell him I can't help this and not sure I can stop this. He asks if my pussy is throbbing. Fuck. Line is gone. I'm going to cum. I'm half propped up with my left arm and up against the wall. He said he likely won't be able to speak when we're in person. Fucking hot I have that effect on him. He's not saying much he explained he's losing his words while watching me. I'm thinking about the time we can be together. How very little will be said. I want badly to grind on him while he's looking into my eyes. Blanket still over my lap I'm really close. He told me to move my hips more. My body automatically reacts to him positively when he gives me a command. My head back, I sit up straighter grinding my throbbing pussy on the folding foam pad. Braless tits jutted forward; my body begins to shake I'm so close. He said he likes when my tits shake. I withdraw my hand. My mind reminding me of my line; wanting to cum in his physical presence. He was surprised I didn't cum and he thought I had already. No, that was just a warm up. As I love to edge. Get myself close, stop then restart. He tells me, I want to cum. Yes, I want and need to cum. I slip my fingers in my mouth. He smiles as he knows I will obey and that I plan to finish. I slide them down under the blanket under the waist band of my sweats and panties. I give him a play by play. Finger one, slides right in. Finger two, inserted. I hear a slight gasp from him as I tell him a third goes in. This feels so good to be doing this and to have his eyes on me. I pull them out and find my clit. I'm so wet. I have zero traction. I move outside of my panties. I stop to slip my sweats off. Back under the blanket I immediately put my hand on the outside of my soaked panties starting my back and forth movements. As instructed earlier, I make sure my hips are moving, it feels even better because he told me. I was so close previously it won't take long to cum. Mind wanders back to my line and it's trying to get me to stop but my body is wanting this release. Imagining him with me, I tell him I need him to pound me. But first tease me with his cock, just a tip. I can feel my body so close. Images and shadows fill my head. Scattered parts of me coming together, zipping up perfectly forming an energy helix as my body feels like it's rising higher the closer I get to coming. I'm lost with thought and fantasy. Ceiling, walls, floor and objects are falling away as I begin to come. My calling out his name was my way of staying tethered to this plane with him. I float away with my wave. After a minute or so, I told him I have to stop, I had to pull my fingers away. I was drained. I come back to this plane, fully present looking at his face. Can't wait until I can physically be with him. After four hours of being on chat we talk a little bit more because neither wants to leave. I noticed this time edging myself with him watching me, that when I returned to finally make myself cum the climb to reaching my climax was higher and the orgasm was longer. Intense. My head can't be in two places at once, so I did close my fet account. D/s relationships require trust even more true when they are online. I'm not hiding me from my flame I'm just wanting to keep my head space available. I have to do something about this 20 year old chapter, I haven't moved on since I want to see what continues. My tics are prevalent and others are noticing and laughing. Ouch. Need to read my chakra rocks, I have an idea of what they will reveal.
I could've guessed the message I was to receive would be. Message received. Time to go hug a tree and play some drums. I'm out.
Oy. My mouth. My mind. Funny now, I have had for a few years developed anxiety tics. Worse they have become since I've been off of medication. I'm feeling alive not on medication but it's tic season. My anxiety tics are head shoulder shrugs. Then came a mouth fart or queef. Followed those just recently are sexual exhales. Which currently because I'm speaking of them are fervently present! Joy.
My beautiful twisted mind, making gestures and mouth noises the more twisted my mind gets. Amazing. Plenty has transpired lately to cause such a vocal frenzy. I said goodbye to dom A. My first. He was gentle and kind, inspirational and encouraging. Exactly who I needed at the moment. Then my old flame, Skippy back in my life. He said he isn't going to run this time. I've been writing and exposing more of myself and my mind. Counseling for my family as we shift into something other than what 16 years ago we had planned. No wonder my mind feels stressed and stretched. Emotions constantly in check but some escape me to climb. Shoulders jerk, quick moans and mouth farts...embarrassing but it's an autonomous nervous system release. Physical activity has helped but I only go to the gym 3 days a week and play drums daily for only 30 minutes. Oy. My emotions now. Deep breath. Checking in. Where is it? Eyes closed. My stomach. Another inhalation. Anywhere else? No. Just my stomach. Dead heavy murdered butterflies. I knew it. Bad sense of humor. My humor flood lighting the area to ward off dark thoughts. Relax eyebrows. Bring tongue from roof of mouth down touch bottom teeth. Check in again. Still in stomach. Now I want to cry. Okay so cry. What are we crying for. Sadness. I am sad. Deep breath. Exhale. I have sadness. Deep breath in. Exhale. I am experiencing sadness. Okay much better. I'm out of that. And back to my mouth and the disconnect with my brain that I experience sometimes. Do I need to be more present with my thoughts before I send them out? Or is part of my essence is to just go. Unrestrained. Oy. Tics starting. Thoughts in my head. Wondering. My mind. My beautiful twisted mind. Why I allow some so readily inside? My already twisted mind, please come in. Is it the ones that appear to want to unravel and untangle only to get me more contorted? I can see them a mile away coming, they want to partake. Dip your toe in the intense detailed emotion filled pool; I can see the outcome each time yet I hope for a different ending. Someone inevitably drowns. And it's usually me. Plenty of deaths before, not my first drowning. Difference this time is I can pull out. Stand back and watch the beautiful intense events unfold. Lie back and reminisce over the beguiling meeting. The intermediary intense exchanges that took place prior to me pulling the pin. An unnecessary pin to say the least. I don't have to stay in this intense emotion. What was to be uncovered without chaos having my layers exposed started to take place only I started to create the chaos. Yes, I will wonder how with so much ease I allow someone to enter. It hurts, that I do this and yet I do not know my own formula to make such a decision. Ascension, what goes up, must it always come down? Do I pull the pin to make it come down faster? Why must I feel someone else has the answer to unravel my own mind. Next itch I get to pull a pin, I will stop and reflect. Take a deep breath. Relax my eyebrows. Pull my tongue down from the roof of my mouth. Stay in this space whatever it is, whatever emotion. Happiness, sadness, fear, trust, anticipation, sexual attraction, amused, captivated, disappointed whatever the emotion ride it. The wave will pass. Then decide a next move. "Being vulnerable has a cost." This I know this to be true, the cost can be painful. It is painful, it hurts. I won't stop being open for fear of pain. It's part of the experience. I can ride that wave and wait for it to pass. With that my tics have stopped. My heart is lighter, and my smile brighter today was a gift I may not see it now but I am marked by an experience. A scar or a beauty mark? With grace, I will always make the conscious decision it will be the latter. I can't quit you. This isn't towards anyone or because of anyone. It's for me. I won't quit me. If I like something, that means it's part of me. So why would I hide any part of myself from the world or from anyone? No reason. So I won't.
I started writing as a release of my pent up sexual frustrations. I have been exploring and releasing and now this blog has morphed into a journal to document my sensual sexual journey. My diary of discoveries. I am currently where I am in my life because of hiding and conforming to other's ideals of whom I should be or become. I certainly have no shame in discovering. What is shameful is hiding part of one's self. I am proud of this past year of writing. If my daughter later wants to read any of this I certainly would encourage her to do so. I momentarily deactivated my fet account. My old habit of conforming for others to protect others from me. That hurts. My eyes are filling with tears. Hurts me a lot. And my tears are now flowing freely, for emotional pain that here after a year of writing and expressing myself I was so quick to go back to my old ways. Quick to disregard me. Hide me. Why protect someone else, is it out of shame or fear if I don't conform I will be abandoned? Account reactivated, I updated status information to not appear as being desperate. At the moment of creation weeks ago I felt I was in a desperate state of despair. This community is the most accepting of any I have known and certainly the last place that would bind me (pun intended) to society's standards. It's a perfect platform to explore myself. I won't quit it. I'm here, I'm alive and fully mentally present this is a great time to learn about myself. Continue dating my authentic self. Fluidity. While I was wrestling with deciding what to hide or tone down, I've even recognized my passion to write waned. Clearly my barometer. My passion is to write and if it's amiss then I need to take a step back and hone in on current activities. Check my light, is it being smothered? Why? Luckily it only took less than 24 hours for me to recognize I was trying to turn my brightness down. I am drawn to others' light so why would I hide mine. I will attract the right people into my life to help me continue to flourish as I am drawn to those that are authentic and on their path of discoveries. I'm laughing because when I woke up the first song in my head was "I Like It" Cardi B. I thought what in the world is my psyche trying to tell me? I see said the blind man. Every song on my playlist while listening and writing has caused me to chair dance. I've been dancing and writing. Hilarious I'm sure to witness. I love to dance, it's expressive. I love writing it's expressive. I love being expressive. I like that I have found people and tools to help me continue to being expressive. I like me. I'm not hiding any part. I like it, like that. Until the flip~ keep your light on. |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |