Okay. So I've been doing a little research about D/s. Dom and sub relationships. How to have one online. Rules. Rewards. Punishments. Tasks. Contracts. Everything, because Dv popped into my head when he sent me the thank you message. I did tell him, well I copied and pasted a line from his birthday post, about my leveling up sometime to play again with him. The research alone was hot, let alone envisioning him dom'ing me. Reading about tasks a dominant can give and coming up with my own ideas.
Planned on creating a special "Daddy" space for only him to read and maybe want to play with me. I don't know but it was some sexy research thinking of tasks that can be accomplished since this is all based online. The ideas for tasks were pouring out of me. Rewards not so much and punishments even less. But for instance a reward for me would be for him to just read me something from a sexy novel. Punishment would be me writing for him what it means to be a good sub. That still needs work. Last night however after I wrote the Dic Pic Piece, Mr. Pickle rang. I had just two beers and that was enough for me, I was full of giggles and jokes. Sadly, or maybe it was okay I guess, there was no session for me. We actually had a nice time talking deeply about life and how we met as teens, then in our late twenties and twenty years later reconnecting. He told me he remembers a specific time we were at my friend's house. I went into her mom's bedroom with his friend and he went into my friend's bedroom to be with her. Only nothing much happened with him because he wanted me and didn't want his friend to be with me. My friend did tell me her attempts at oral weren't that great, he confirmed why. I couldn't believe he remembered a time back when we were 17. I too had a crush but pushed it out because I was dating and had been dating his friend for sometime. But I told Mr. Pickle had he tried to get with me my boyfriend at the time would not have likely reached out 10 years later to go see Mr. Pickle play. Which in turn gave us a year of being together. I will never forget before me and my ex entered the club, he told me to not fall in love with Mr. Pickle or hook up with him. Mr. Pickle and I didn't hook up that night or even days later, but I made Mr. Pickle tell his friend what we were about to do. And oddly enough some girl after the show saw me talking to Mr. Pickle and when he stepped away from me she approached me and told me good luck with that one. However I had a question I had always wondered. I lived downtown on 10th next to a bar he would visit but also he had friends that lived a few doors down. After we broke up I was chasing after emotionally unavailable men, and at the time a married guy was playing with my head. Really worked me into running out of state to get away from him and from Mr. Pickle. I planned on moving to Georgia to go to the art school in Savannah. Before my planned move Mr. Pickle showed up one night at my apartment out of the blue. He knew I was moving as we were still writing to each other. He seemed out of it drunk or high or on something. My heart skipped a beat seeing him though. He stood outside my building on the porch telling me he was doing just okay. He had a new girlfriend but she was young and does drugs. However with that he said, that I would like her. Annoyed as fuck because he really hurt me and here he is on my porch talking about not only his new life, his new girlfriend but that I would really, really, like her. So mad. I couldn't look at him and just hurried the conversation along so he would leave. Clearly there to brag? So last night I had an opportunity to clear this up. I asked him. Always wondered why he did that. What was he expecting me to do or say? He remembers the incident. He told me he was down at the bar. He missed me and wanted to see if I was home to say hi. He told me he was testing the waters, he wanted me back. Back in his life but was too afraid and unsure how I would react. So he brought his current girlfriend up, who he wasn't serious with and would've dropped her had I asked. My eyes welled up. I started to cry, "Why didn't you just tell me you wanted me back. You missed me. You wanted us back?" He said he was afraid. After which he said then his life spiraled out of control and ended up in rehab. My heart hurt a little, or maybe a whole lot because my mind started with what ifs. Fantasy took over. I feel like there was a missed opportunity for us. It hurts because at that moment I saw him at my door I thought he was there because he wanted me back and he was willing to work for me to come back. Not only that but I would've taken him back. My heart has missed him all these years. I am in a current situation but I think I can work it out to an amicable place. I would tell my child it's not important to have children, it's not important to get married but it's important to build a tribe of good friends. I still believe this. But when my child comes to me with questions about love or logic, follow heart or head, I thought I'd be of the head camp. However, I'm going to now say go with love. Passion drives us to grow, makes life enjoyable even when life hits a rough patch; passion can help. Logic is safe. If you're feeling safe you likely won't grow as a person. Get out of that comfort zone. Fear is good, it's a fire to get you moving. And passion is worth the flames. Until the flip keep a fire lit~
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Hmmmmm. Buzzing/humming in the background. Not my vibrator. The space heater, which means I'm happily purring in my writing studio. Fucking silence. Cold air, but feeling warmth of my electric lap blanket. Cold Elysian Dragonstooth stout to wet my lips. I've got my bump n grind playlist because I feeling I am coming down with something; I am catching a DV mood, maybe?
"Let's Get It On" Marvin Gaye Damn, such a light weight, and loving it because a third in and feeling the warmth of a buzz coming on. Feeling like a satin ribbon unwinding like a wind spinner. Old joke or saying, I am suddenly reminded of because of the word 'spinner'; I'm only 5'2" and when the cutie would comment how short I am I would reply with, "Easier to spin." Dv. Last night I ended up snapping with someone I follow on tiktok. I stupidly fan'd out for a second because he didn't ask for a nude in fact he has a video to discourage followers from sending one. Super cool. He gives really good sex tips. One was for the fellas how to go down on a woman and I damn near needed a release because of how well he described a technique. I later told him I write about sexual fantasies and past hook ups because I've been sexually repressed for 8 years and I'm the desperate house wife cliche. He had a video for the ladies how not all ladies can be a deep throat queen but had tips to satisfy. It made me think of one of my posts, "Dic Pic". I told him it is one of my favorite pieces. I spent a long time on it, even researched and pulled from all kinds of memories. I really went deep, pun intended! But I am curious what a male thought about the post. He reminded me he's dyslexic and that I would have to read it to him sometime. "Learn Ya" 6lack I didn't read it to him, but got me thinking. Could I? Could I actually read that to a male? How would that make me feel? Would it excite me? Would it excite him? Well, and the thought of me reading it to him and him getting turned on of course would excite me. Him who you wonder? Well, the one that inspired me to write it. Speaking of which. Which, he, started more fantasies. No big deal but Dv messaged me back a thank you for his birthday wishes. Ahhhhnnndd why did my face want to anime uwu? My body got tingly too. Could I read his piece of his piece to him? I'm laughing at how funny that sentence is. But it is sure fun to fantasize about reading that post to Dv. I think I may make an audio to it to test how it sounds. Yes, it would be fun to read it to the other guy but I'd feel weird about it because it wasn't meant for him, I specifically wrote it for Dv. So if anybody is going to hear about it from me, it should be him. Going to read aloud to myself now. Until the flip... Tried to write the other night. Tried Korn anything, thought rage fuck music would help. Nope. Maybe I was in a domme mood, maybe Iggy. Nope. Just wasn't there. Where I was; I was trying to stay present. I felt antsy. My dormant passionate side has been let out of the box (pun intended?) and I wanted more. Again. Feeling a little desperate, okay maybe a lot desperate out of fear this side may be suppressed again. Who am I kidding? Play once a week? I feel like I need a cum'sesh every other day or stretch it out every two days.
Got back on my a.m. and p.m. routines. Guitar nightly has helped keep myself occupied in a nonsexual manner and have managed to not think about being plowed. It's the long hot showers that do me in. Steaming hot then cool my red hot skin with cold water. The extreme temperatures can get my thoughts going. So no shower tonight. I actually wanted to just do some regular boring writing. Reading Larry Niven's "Ringworld", the 7th book from the Nebula Awards; making my way through the list because I couldn't decide what to read. Almost done with the book so I just wanted to spend at least 30 minutes tonight in it. Just kill 30 minutes. Read. Ringworld, flycycles, Louis Wu...aaahhhhnnnd, my mind wanders. Lying on my back, thermal blanket warming my body underneath and a flash crosses my mind. A flash back jolts my memories awake. His thumb in my mouth. I remember how he tastes and the thickness of his thumb. Wow. Forgot about that. He, the last time we spoke, reminded me how I would suck his fingers while he was fucking me. Loved caressing his thumb with my tongue and then sucking on his ring fingers. Some reason it's sensitive on me. Gawd. I do miss his voice. Even more his voice telling me these fucking sexy things I had forgotten. Reminding me how I used to love fucking. Playing. He was so open to me. If he was ever nervous he never let on. He'd let me drive and know exactly when to reclaim control. Damn he was fun. Sex was fun. Fucking was fun. Making love, with him, was soul touching intense. I can't blame myself for shutting down after he left my life. Before him, I was half awake. With my previous partner we could've had a dom/sub relationship but he never took the reigns and he never gave it up enough. However when I met Mr. Pickle, our sexual energy matched. I met someone who loved kissing as much as I did. He was a fuckingtastic good kisser. He would let me climb his lap and just kiss him for hours if I wanted. Kissing him was so good. Biting my lower lip now as memories of the times we kissed flooding my mind. His beautiful lips. My face is smiling. We'd make out for hours. After him, I was open to passion but after a couple attempts felt my passion with Mr. Pickle was unique. So why bother. My heart hurt. My body ached. My passion ceased to exist. So I thought. Still in here. Still wants out. I'm laughing, please send help. I'm trying to stay present. And with this I'm slipping into another fantasy, not quite ready to share, got to relieve some pressure my legs are restless. Until the flip pull it to the side, keep it up & stay slow~ "Down For Me" Loon, Mario Winans
Time to myself. I'm in my writing space. Perfectly alone. Space heater running creating an orange glow mixed with red from my lamp. Heated throw draped over my lap, perfectly comfortable I may just fall asleep out here. However, hoping to hear his voice. Since I have time to myself I may as well use it by writing, thinking about the leap. Or possible leap. Fantasy. The prospect of a rendezvous seems exciting. "Call Out My Name" The Weekend Sitting here for a few minutes, staring, typing but mostly deleting. Nah, it's not in me tonight. I don't feel like writing. Instead I'm going to go back and read. Finish my Guinness while reading my previous posts. Maybe the early works could also help to inspire. Checking out for now. "Blackened" Metallica Mood shifted dramatically. I'm shaking. Thigh muscles trembling. Arm muscles, hands, my whole body is still vibrating. I changed my mind to not just read. Instead I started voice recordings of me reading. I made it to only the second post. He sent a message via snap asking if I was ready. Very daddy like is what popped into my head. I also thought, well good luck with me tonight because I'm not in the mood. Got situated. Popped my headphones in and a few minutes later he's calling. Can he hear my smile? I hear his voice and my face just reacts in that manner! I fucking bet my eyes twinkle too. Butterflies and yeah I smile because whatever thoughts I had previously, like doubt I was going to talk with him tonight, fell away like my panties want to do. We talk about everything, well he talked about everything. I would giggle when I would hear him say words like, 'tie up' and others that made me think of having sex with him. Two hours later I pipe up, "Yeah hey there buzzkill, ya gotta go to bed soon or check on your kid?" "Yeah, let me call you back in five minutes." "Please do." Hung up and my hand went down my pants. I'm leaning back up against the wall, legs bent and splayed. I'm thinking I got to hear him talk for two hours I'm good. I'm real good right now. A few finger circles on my wet panties, I'm thinking he might not call back so lets continue. The other part of me is thinking no, he'll call back. Wait, should I just answer the phone as I'm coming? Or drag this out to right before I cum answer the phone? Thoughts of him in between my thighs. I was already close. I stop. Maybe bust out the vibrator. Yeah, low setting I can edge myself; pull back just before I cum and keep it going until he calls. "Thunder Kiss 65" White Zombie (great fuck song) Yeah, vibrator won't work it's making me want to cum too soon and in my quiet dark writing room it's mood killing loud. No, slip hand down draw string pants. Panties are wetter. I'm more excited knowing I will get to hear him again. Another cum session. I'm getting close. Now I'm thinking I'm too close because the half second I hear his voice I'm going to cum. This time I want to hear him, as last time it was just myself because I didn't have time. Okay, slowing my circles, using less pressure; oh shit the lack of pressure is teasing me. Applying more pressure, slower circles; I think I can hang here for a minute. Think about the trees outside. It's cold. He calls. And I'm close. He knows immediately after I respond to his, "hayyy can you hear me?" Since I was already close, I've been edging for 5 minutes, I hear the sound of his voice, and a small moan escapes me. "Are you being naughty right now?" "Wait, what? What did you hear?" "I know you. I can hear it. Want me to join?" "ahhh fuck yesss, pleeease." "Okay I have to go to another room, it'll take me a second, don't cum yet." I push myself back harder up against the wall, re position myself to slow me down. "Okay, I'm close though, but I will wait." "No I want you to cum first. I miss making you cum. Fucking you quietly in your bathroom so your sister wouldn't hear." The memories again, rushing back. Telling him I'm so close, can't hold it back. I can hear his sexy breathing; I was wishing I was on top of him making him breath that heavy. Kissing him. I think he's close enough, and with that I let go. Multiple waves. Just keep filling me. Rolling waves making my thighs shakes. Jolts through out my body, I keep going as I can hear him now starting. Hearing him is making me wind back up, I'm still riding this wave but feel like it could be building back up again. His breathing slows down and I start to relax my body. Curled toes begin to uncurl, thighs loosen up, stomach muscles relax. The wave is waning. I let out a sigh. I tell him it would be difficult for me to be left alone with him in a room. I miss his hugs. I could be blindfolded and get hugged by 25 random men with him included, and would know without a doubt which hug belonged to him. It's getting late, I have to go and I know he's 2 hours ahead so I know he needs to go. I ask, "Okay so same thing next weekend, please?" He laughs, "Of course." "More Human Than Human" White Zombie (another good fuck song) And with that my moody uninterested in sex, or sexy thoughts, sexy talk, orgasms nothing, he manages through just the sound of his voice to not only change my mind but give me multiple orgasms. This is amazing. And he's not even physically here with me. Perfect song to go out on "A.D.I.D.A.S. "(all day I dream about sex) Korn because yes, all day today I will be thinking about his sex. until that flip- pull it to the side, keep it up and stay slow~ Four days since last post. Busy with life feeling like this place from which I write from, well she's in a cocoon. Not frozen. But rather being still. Not hiding, conserving energy. Encroaching upon a magnificent precipice making calculating plans and fantasizing about the feeling of my stomach dropping the moment I decide to run and jump off. How far down will I fall before I pull the ripcord?
I feel like something behind the scenes is in the works. So for the past few days my mind, has for the most part, remained present and in the space of this moment. In a few months it will have been year since the great thaw. This written space has been extremely cathartic and has provided unbridled relief to fantasize again and an outlet for physical release. I'm sure there had been times I had been so horny I masturbated. But I'm thinking even those sessions were just going through the motions for a surface relief. Nothing like this almost past year has provided. I feel awake. Alive. Full of breath. Eight years since I've had physical intimacy; I just succumbed to feeling of being dead inside. Keep that part of myself frozen because this right now, right here, is it. Even longer since I had been flirted with. The fuck, I kept myself so closed off from human connection and hidden away from any possibility of friendly flirting. The irony is it was my spouse who insisted I play Fallout76. I had forgotten how the path to my vagina is really through my ears. A nice voice with confidence. Doesn't even need to be really deep. A confident voice is sexy, deep one is hotter. Easily could read me Nursery Rhymes and I'd get turned on. But a deep sexy voice could say something lacking confidence and it's a cold shower. So, it's definitely the confidence. Commanding, confidence. One other player's voice 3 months prior to me meeting DV stood out to me. I guess maybe if he had confidently flirted with me there might be a different first muse. But there wasn't. I've always been very sexual. Very passionate. Very playful. All the way up and even more so through Mr. Pickle. After him, I subconsciously chose men that had intimacy issues; meaning some part of themselves was closed off. They didn't like to either show affection or experiment. Somehow I was punishing myself for being passionate as a way to protect myself. Rather than just mindlessly fuck multiple partners to find the right fit, I sought to close myself. Current relationship was the winner. Even more closed off. Perfect fit. Perfect punishment. Passion won't hurt here. What I thought was dead and gone was just frozen. Thankfully. My tits are ready to bust out of my shirt needing exposure! My first muse shall not be forgotten, I am still hoping to level up, he confidently said the right thing with his delicious voice. I needed a place to write all that was being released. An eight year, really maybe even longer, sexually repressed side of me, which is really a large part of who I am, was breaking the dam. Flooding. Flooding everywhere. Figuratively and literally. Wind would blow a certain way and I got turned on. I could feel the clothing on my body. Something sexy would cross my path and I needed a release. So this cliff that I'm about to stare down. I currently have a fantasy heating up in my imagination. However, will my writing of it be actual fantasy or of intent. And if it is of intent will I go ahead and free fall in it or pull the ripcord? Guess we both will happily find out. Until the flip- pull it to the side, keep up & stay slow~ |
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |