When I started this over a year ago coming undone diving into my sexuality, I woke from a dream with a song faintly reverberating in my mind, "Come Undone" by Duran Duran.
"Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin I've been waiting for you Signed with a home tattoo "Happy birthday to you" was created for you Ah, it'll take a little time Might take a little crime to come undone Now we'll try to stay blind to the hope and fear outside Hey child, stay wilder than the wind and blow me in to cry Who do you need? Who do you love? When you come undone" I had a fabulous play with him last night. I asked myself why I wouldn't answer him truthfully when he asked me what I wanted more than anything at that moment. Why did I feel myself shut down when I was on top of him. He had his cock in my wet folds against my engorged clit. I rocked back and forth with his hands on my breasts and hip. My left hand pressed into his forearm for support, out in the open on a warm night under the shadow of a canopy of trees. A beautiful place, a beautiful sharing moment and I didn't come. I wanted to come. In fact when I slid down his legs and placed my wet eager mouth on him, tasting myself smeared all over his cock, I placed my fingers on my wet clit and couldn't help but give myself an orgasm. Why away from him? Why not answer truthfully when he asked me what I want more than anything in that moment, and why not have my orgasm on him, from him? Later, I drove off in the warm night, topless jeep...cried that the moon was so beautiful, the air was warm enough while wearing a braless see through top and bare legs in a mini skirt. A beautiful night. This morning a song played in my head while waking...please don't cringe but allow me to continue... "My Sacrifice" by Creed. I mistakenly thought at first it was for and about him, but it's my psyche speaking to me... When my soul I felt split apart from a devastating end to a fun passionate relationship I wrote this poem: "...Cast out from the song of life my heart no longer sings the sorrowful angel on Earth unto yourself what destruction do you bring the light of hope to warm the frozen tear of faith Strike the chord of harmony For this overture, the angel must wait" I know exactly why I didn't answer truthfully and why I didn't, why I couldn't share my orgasm on top of him in that beautiful scene. The year of that song was when I shut myself out. I decided I wouldn't be vulnerable again; hiding became automatic. I knew at that moment last night I was afraid of being vulnerable. I self actualized during the moment; what was a knee jerk reaction to hide, to be emotionally unavailable I recognized I have been hiding and emotionally unavailable. This is remarkable to me. I moved from a subconscious autopilot reaction of fear, to consciously recognizing I was afraid of being vulnerable. Means to me I am returning to myself. "Hello my friend we meet again It's been a while where should we begin?... We've seen our share of ups and downs Oh how quickly life can turn around In an instant It feels so good to reunite Within yourself and within your mind Let's find peace there" My sacrifice is to lose the fear of being vulnerable, to come fully to myself and to just be. "Cause when you are with me, I'm free I'm careless, I believe Above all the others we'll fly This brings tears to my eyes My sacrifice" Circling back to the initial song Coming Undone, "... stay wilder than the wind, stay blind to the hope and fear outside, who do I need and who do I love when I come undone" Who do I need? I need a vulnerable me.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |