My psyche is bubbling, boiling, turning over and over inside. Awake. This isn't some things are happening around me that's causing my subconscious to flicker online. Much deeper than this. I've never experienced nor read anything like what is currently unfolding. My higher self maybe? Enlightenment?
"(Can't ever keep from falling apart At the seams Can't I believe you're taking my heart To pieces) Oh, it'll take a little time, Might take a little crime To come undone now We'll try to stay blind To the hope and fear outside Hey child, stay wilder than the wind And blow me in to cry" These lyrics, this song is softly echoing in my head as I'm waking up. Theta state, my brain is speaking to me or my psyche trying to communicate with me through theta state. If it's a hypnotic state of the brain then who or what is using it to speak to me. Replaying this Duran Duran song "Undone" I search for the lyrics. Tears start streaming, all the words hit me. Deeply. "Who do you need, who do you love When you come undone" I dreamt of a large seemingly forgotten warehouse. I felt I should have recognized the dilapidated building. Storm clouds billowing quickly high above with a cold wind leaving me chilled. The large semi shiny silver metal stood in stark contrast against an overcast grey twilit sky. The sky less foreboding than the coldness and the largeness of the building. Not much around. I'm standing in a remote area, barren without any vegetation. I shudder with trepidation; not from fear but the feeling of an unknown. I have to enter the building. Answers are in there. As I begin to slowly walk towards the building, a green side entrance door pops open. Suddenly I'm inside and can hear my heartbeat echo. Even in the dark I can feel the awesome size of this cold place. Florescent lights begin to crackle on, and one by one each section coming alive like a domino track exposing the interior of the warehouse. Massive piles strewn about covering the floor with no carved pathways; stuff. I make my way to look. I can feel a presence behind me; not to frighten, not even to guide, just present. Coming closer to a small hill I can see lots of papers and items. Boxes. I look down and see a one eyed pink teddy bear. It's my childhood bear, I named She-She. In Japanese Shishi has a meaning, and I currently don't have the psychological bandwidth to take this deeper still. I look around, so is this warehouse of my things? Just tossed here to be forgotten? The bear brought back memories, shameful memories. It was the bear that I would masturbate on. My female neighbor about my age locked me in a closet and forced me to 'hump' her teddy bear. I was scared and hurt that she was so deceitful about the incident and betrayed my trust. However, after I found my own bear to hump because it felt good. Shame would always follow after each session and every time I looked at that bear. Even until the day in my late 30's when I finally decided to throw it away. I remember in my 20's Oprah talked about her molestation but she also discussed enjoying it. I remember thinking back to a time prior to the closet incident; I was molested by a family friend's teenage boy. I was only 7 or 8. It was the adults around me handling the situation that did the most damage. I liked him. I liked the way he made me feel. I liked his kissing. I liked his touching. I liked how my body responded to him. I liked the secretive play between us when we would run up stairs and hide under blankets in his bunk bed. After it was discovered, I never saw him again, and had heard he burnt his house down. When Oprah said it felt good to her, for years I was made to believe I had done something wrong. That something feeling pleasurable is somehow wrong. Had the adults not freaked out the way they had and just talked and explained I likely would've handled the closet incident better. I could've seen the girl just wanted to 'play' and we could've played freely or I could've told her it was just inappropriate. The very least not feel shame when I enjoyed myself with the teddy bear. And to this day I have crippling claustrophobia and panic in a small dark space. My daughter will be taught to listen to her body, when her body speaks it's not shameful. When she requests advice about sex, I will give her a fetish list and tell her to explore freely and with consent. If she has an incident exploring and discovering at a young age, I will handle appropriately not attaching shame. Hoping her warehouse is smaller and not so filled with items or memories she deemed to be shameful. I hope to revisit my warehouse and discover other discarded items I wanted to keep hidden. I can now see I had to hide because of someone else's psychological distress. The insightful dream was brought on by my discussion with him last night. I shared an event with him that's considerably taboo. It was freeing to not only share it with another person but to freely get excited from the memories of the events. And even more exciting, he too was getting aroused. When I explore the song's lyrics, it's myself digging deeply into everything; my past my present. By digging everything up I'm exposing myself. Then at the end who am I, who do I need, who do I love, when I come undone? Hey child stay wilder than the wind. ~
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |