I can't stop thinking about him. I faced time with my ex one Saturday night and all I wanted was to be talking with Skippy. I miss his face, his laugh, and the way he fucking looks at me as though I'm his next meal. I miss how he makes me laugh. I hope I get to facetime with him again. It was strange when Skippy and I were ending our facetime, I couldn't hang up. I almost asked him if that was our last time we'd see each other, I had a sinking feeling that we wouldn't facetime again. Likely the last of this sextion; momentarily. Sad, because this shit was hot, hot enough to have me Hanging By A Moment for 20 years. I'm laughing, because the song that just popped on is by Jonny Lang "A Quitter Never Wins". I told him I wouldn't tap out, I'm just slowly taking a couple steps backwards to stand still; to find balance. He knows my situation is over. He knows when I'm heading to my hometown. He knows how to get a hold of me. However, I feel I've cried too much this round. I've shed many tears for this man that I've never been with. I've spent time dreaming, fantasizing and planning; lots of my time, I all too happily used to be just left on read.
I guess I'm too impatient and want to be just told the truth head on, no bullshit. Am I in or am I out? But not getting straight answers I guess is an answer; I just don't want to fucking hear it. He said he wouldn't bail and he hasn't. I said I wouldn't tap out, I'm not. The doom of us, are we the star crossed lovers that won't ever get to be together? Hurts unlike anything. To have met someone that moved me so much: we were never together in a romantic or physical relationship. I can't fathom being with him, hugging him again or being made love to by him; my imagination can't reach that level of intensity. Maybe to not know is better than knowing to only be left with the same unanswered questions. Not having answers, how do I grow? Should I have not shared my site? I am a very sexually intense person and likely even more so now since I haven't had sex in 8 years. Is all of this for naught? Am I being dramatic because he's had a bad day(s) and has been silent? Should I have slowed him down when he was hot and heavy with the sexting initially? Why do I have to have brakes for two because I feel I have to play the game of "drag-this-out-because-you're-likely-to -bail-after-we-play"? Why can't two fucking adults play and keep playing or say "hey I need a break" or "we moved too fast"? My close friend said he could likely have deep feelings for me and I'm giving off a vibe that I just want to play. Told her I want to go deep with him and that he and I should have a conversation about how we feel for each other in person; but can we fuck first? She laughed and said, "See? No." She's right. I do feel like he does want more and this shouldn't be based around sex. I have always wanted more with him. It wasn't just about sex; I feel like there's more to experience with him and I want this, have wanted this. I can't tell if this panic is from old ghosts that ghosted me or my gut trying to talk to me. The feedback I got from the sex book club review party when I spoke of him and our road; nine women were excited saying he and I should be a story. I should be writing about us. I had planned making this whole website journey into one story. Now thinking maybe do something about him and I even if it turns out to be fiction. Hurts, I don't even want his section to have an intermission. Spirit has been guiding me; all signs say to find and hold patience. I'm terrible with patience especially when I feel like the finish line is so fucking close. Yet, I've been at this for 20 years. Hope I can continue this path without self sabotage and self fulfilling prophecy. I will make a pact with the Universe; I will stand still, smile, hug myself and trust fall. I am being read and will be answered.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |