By the way, this post absolutely has nothing to do with sex...I'm not always a cock worshiping whore panting in dire need of a good sweaty fuck! Another song I've looped, part of last night and today. Well, two actually. Both by Ween, and I thank Meta for introducing me to brilliant music. Currently they are "If You Could Save Yourself" and "I Don't Want It"... If I could just save myself... but more importantly it's the latter song, here are the lyrics.... I Don't Want It- Ween Oh did we miss the moon? I'd lie in your arms if I could now It's such a common pain Repeats itself again and again now Flowers grow in the springtime and leaves fall from the trees I've been GONE for so long, you just threw away the keys I understand it, but I don't want it I know it so well, you tripped me and I laughed when you fell now This isn't how it should be I've let you drift so far, from me But please hold onto the memories Before we really crash and burn We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn I understand it, but I don't want it The song hit me loudly as a message to self... "I've been gone for so long, you just threw away the keys" "We've got ourselves so wrapped up that we've forgotten how to learn" I'm 'here' now. Spent the last couple of years waking up and realizing. I was wrapped up in other people's ideas and ideals, I forgot how to learn. During this process of losing myself, it wasn't overnight, I did have lucid awareness that I was shutting down to please others but still put myself away. Seeing myself do this to myself, I felt I slammed the door and yelled, "Well go then. Be gone. And don't return." A lovers quarrel. Kicking the other out because they aren't conforming to their ideals. Here, I removed myself and shut myself out to conform to others' ideals. Hurts. I want my daughter to see this. All of this. I want her to see she never has to conform. Never shut herself out to follow someone else. Follow yourself. Lead yourself from your intuitive voice no matter how small it sounds now, for that voice will continue to grow in volume the more you listen. I knew when I found out I was having a girl this would be healing for myself. To heal the little girl within myself. Each year my daughter progresses in age is the year I reflect where I was at her age; talking and releasing. Me having my awakening is important to her also. I have maintained with her father a level of respect so she sees I treated her father decently as a loving human treats another human. Even when he tells me within earshot of her I am a bad mother because I do not fit his ideas of what a good mom looks like. However, last night was extremely hurtful and I lost my composure and she witnessed me at my worst. Me yelling at her father to leave my room. She heard me trying to slam my door and threaten to call the police as he would not leave my space. I was out of body trying to escape the current event. I had repeatedly asked him to not disrespect her mother. Show her even though he and I are no longer that he still can act like a decent human to her mom. Last night he questioned me continuously if I even wanted to be a mom still. I'm sobbing having to write this out. In the almost 20 years I've known him he doesn't know my spirit. We spent six years trying to get pregnant and had two miscarriages that emotionally broke me. When I realized he and I would no longer work I wanted us to still live on the same property so she may have both her parents at any time and not at court mandated times. He, this morning, asked about my childhood asking if my mom went out with her friends so much. I said I wouldn't answer because he's trying to draw conclusions questioning my behavior-deciding if I fit in his box. It hurts me so much because of what he was saying and asking, I in knee jerk reaction, began to question if he was right. If he's 'seeing something' then maybe there is truth there. No. Fuck him. What he is correct about, is there is a difference from how I am as a mom now and how I was. I can't parent when he's around, I automatically have to become the bad parent so yes I have retreated; I've pulled away. Hiding, shutting myself up again because of guilt not living in someone else's box of how a mom should be. Had I continued staying on Zoloft and numb, I would've been showing her this is how life should be. Even with my emotional meltdown last night what I am doing is better for her, for her spirit. I've been fighting for myself; waking up to become whole...I'm desperately now fighting for her to not have to have a period in her life where she feels she needs to wake up to try to become whole. I want for her to start now, become whole. Never having to hide parts of herself. I want for her to take this life and learn about herself, to never wrap herself up in other people's ideals that she ever forgets to learn. I don't want there to be a time in her life where she feels she needs to save herself. I want her to not feel she has to become undone, that she has to undo other people's ideas to figure out what she's all about. I want her to have her time spent here on Earth just learning about herself, loving herself, loving others, loving life and becoming whole. Freeman, Aaron, and Michael Melchiondo. “I Don't Want It.” Spotify, 1 Jan. 1970, open.spotify.com/track/3SvmoUOs4WS9CTnDqfodCq?si=fEVSq7W2Q9yeNtLWjzEEeA.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |