Detachment. I swallow hard on a thought trying to not let my tears well up. I am reading "personal non-attachment is not needing anyone for acceptance or validation". A thought of him enters. It's just him though. There have been and are others I'm 'attracted' to yet they can come and go, drift in and out, on and off my path, and my 'being' is okay. Maybe they bring in 'love' and leave love with me? Or maybe I should just stop trying to be seen by someone that doesn't want to see me or maybe doesn't want to want to see me?
Was I ever of value to him, did I matter, do I mean anything other than a once a week meeting in the cover of darkness? Initially he would tell me things like he appreciates me and that he likes me, or were these just words for the beginning it maybe wasn't 'me' he was referring to, just the new relationship energy he appreciates and likes. I'm scared of that feeling that if I'm quiet and still he will forget and this will be gone. Clearly anxious attachment. How do I move past this? I loathe this. The sun is out and beautiful today and my head hurts; I'm surprised my heart is open. Yes my heart is open to a male...this makes me smile. However my solar plexus is blocked; power is gone. Makes sense because of these thoughts about being attached to a person, just writing this sentence is a heavy sentence. I'm watching all these thoughts these 'what ifs' and 'should haves'. If I had just picked a person that played a Dom by the book, someone that worshiped me, or just someone to just fuck and go; these don't feel right. I really don't do things the easy way so why would my sexual rediscovering be different. Would all this be less 'painful' if I was less attracted to him or felt less of a connection with him? It's really fucking hard to feel that gravitational pull and not want to crash, and does he feel a pull? I don't know what he feels. And possible to drift too far away there is no longer the feel of the pull? I sometimes question myself if our play is a good idea because I get so high. I don't know. I know nothing but feel and think too much. I can give myself compassion and be gentle to self while I move through this thought for the next few days.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |