First family therapy appointment went exactly how I thought it would. My tics would flare, only this time they flamed up as his fucking bullshit barometer. I couldn't even look at him. Two different people here. Granted his first therapy appointment in his life, and therapy sucks. I have been in therapy since my first suicide attempt and alcohol abuse at 15. Consistently in therapy since my brother died. All these years even now I dread some appointments; the work having to sort and face the thoughts in my head.
But, to blatantly sugar coat shit. I had to speak out and up against this a few times. Cried because I was hearing pathetic too late attempts to save anything. I was the one that tried for the sake of the family to save the relationship. Cried also because I was grateful nothing was done. I've been over this relationship likely when it began. I know better to should on myself and I won't. So, here I am. I am being an adult and taking care of what needs to be done. There is no wiping the slate clean and moving forward as he suggested I gave that chance 8 years ago. That slate has long been gone. It doesn't have to be complicated. However where ego is involved this can get convoluted. My ego is set aside. I hope he can put his aside for our child's sake. I'm already seeing two extremes: defensiveness and a pathetic victim that is suddenly alert to the fire that has already burned through the town leaving nothing but charred remains behind. How does he think he can bring life to that? It's been gone. A friend of mine offered advice, she said one regret she had when she divorced her children's ex was she didn't honor her children's father. She was caught up in the back forth anger. I get it. And remind myself to see him as my child's dad and find patience but it's so difficult. Harder still when I feel I have already left. Tics and all, with my ego set aside I shall remain with my eye on the prize. My prize is my happiness. No more am I sacrificing myself just because I have a child. No more am I keeping myself in this because others envisioned this life for me. This relationship worked in the beginning because it was who I was and what I wanted at the time. But no longer am I checked out and afraid. The fear of losing myself again is greater than the ease of getting back on medications and checking out. Is this the precipice that I wrote about? I knew I was on the edge of something. Staring down into a great view. Would I jump? Would I run and jump? How far down will I fall before pulling the ripcord? It doesn't even need to be a dramatic cliff overlooking a breathtaking picture worthy scene. I'm moving forward. I've been moving this past year. Now I'm going forward. Feels fantastic. I have an idea of what's shining in the horizon and smile when I think about it, regardless my spirit is happy. Cliche as it may sound chains are breaking away. Besides chains should be used for fun in the bedroom. Relationship status: not complicated. When it's over it's over time to move on.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |