Okay. So I've been doing a little research about D/s. Dom and sub relationships. How to have one online. Rules. Rewards. Punishments. Tasks. Contracts. Everything, because Dv popped into my head when he sent me the thank you message. I did tell him, well I copied and pasted a line from his birthday post, about my leveling up sometime to play again with him. The research alone was hot, let alone envisioning him dom'ing me. Reading about tasks a dominant can give and coming up with my own ideas.
Planned on creating a special "Daddy" space for only him to read and maybe want to play with me. I don't know but it was some sexy research thinking of tasks that can be accomplished since this is all based online. The ideas for tasks were pouring out of me. Rewards not so much and punishments even less. But for instance a reward for me would be for him to just read me something from a sexy novel. Punishment would be me writing for him what it means to be a good sub. That still needs work. Last night however after I wrote the Dic Pic Piece, Mr. Pickle rang. I had just two beers and that was enough for me, I was full of giggles and jokes. Sadly, or maybe it was okay I guess, there was no session for me. We actually had a nice time talking deeply about life and how we met as teens, then in our late twenties and twenty years later reconnecting. He told me he remembers a specific time we were at my friend's house. I went into her mom's bedroom with his friend and he went into my friend's bedroom to be with her. Only nothing much happened with him because he wanted me and didn't want his friend to be with me. My friend did tell me her attempts at oral weren't that great, he confirmed why. I couldn't believe he remembered a time back when we were 17. I too had a crush but pushed it out because I was dating and had been dating his friend for sometime. But I told Mr. Pickle had he tried to get with me my boyfriend at the time would not have likely reached out 10 years later to go see Mr. Pickle play. Which in turn gave us a year of being together. I will never forget before me and my ex entered the club, he told me to not fall in love with Mr. Pickle or hook up with him. Mr. Pickle and I didn't hook up that night or even days later, but I made Mr. Pickle tell his friend what we were about to do. And oddly enough some girl after the show saw me talking to Mr. Pickle and when he stepped away from me she approached me and told me good luck with that one. However I had a question I had always wondered. I lived downtown on 10th next to a bar he would visit but also he had friends that lived a few doors down. After we broke up I was chasing after emotionally unavailable men, and at the time a married guy was playing with my head. Really worked me into running out of state to get away from him and from Mr. Pickle. I planned on moving to Georgia to go to the art school in Savannah. Before my planned move Mr. Pickle showed up one night at my apartment out of the blue. He knew I was moving as we were still writing to each other. He seemed out of it drunk or high or on something. My heart skipped a beat seeing him though. He stood outside my building on the porch telling me he was doing just okay. He had a new girlfriend but she was young and does drugs. However with that he said, that I would like her. Annoyed as fuck because he really hurt me and here he is on my porch talking about not only his new life, his new girlfriend but that I would really, really, like her. So mad. I couldn't look at him and just hurried the conversation along so he would leave. Clearly there to brag? So last night I had an opportunity to clear this up. I asked him. Always wondered why he did that. What was he expecting me to do or say? He remembers the incident. He told me he was down at the bar. He missed me and wanted to see if I was home to say hi. He told me he was testing the waters, he wanted me back. Back in his life but was too afraid and unsure how I would react. So he brought his current girlfriend up, who he wasn't serious with and would've dropped her had I asked. My eyes welled up. I started to cry, "Why didn't you just tell me you wanted me back. You missed me. You wanted us back?" He said he was afraid. After which he said then his life spiraled out of control and ended up in rehab. My heart hurt a little, or maybe a whole lot because my mind started with what ifs. Fantasy took over. I feel like there was a missed opportunity for us. It hurts because at that moment I saw him at my door I thought he was there because he wanted me back and he was willing to work for me to come back. Not only that but I would've taken him back. My heart has missed him all these years. I am in a current situation but I think I can work it out to an amicable place. I would tell my child it's not important to have children, it's not important to get married but it's important to build a tribe of good friends. I still believe this. But when my child comes to me with questions about love or logic, follow heart or head, I thought I'd be of the head camp. However, I'm going to now say go with love. Passion drives us to grow, makes life enjoyable even when life hits a rough patch; passion can help. Logic is safe. If you're feeling safe you likely won't grow as a person. Get out of that comfort zone. Fear is good, it's a fire to get you moving. And passion is worth the flames. Until the flip keep a fire lit~
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |