8/8/2020- Fitting yesterday's post, "I'm Coming Out". His homework, he had wanted me to send him a pussy pic. No. I haven't seen her in years- since days after I gave birth. His response was I'm not ready/worthy. Ouch. 'worthy'. Okay Wayne's World-I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy. He wants me to take pictures of my pussy for me. Write my first thoughts. Then write what I would want him to say about my pussy, what others might say if I posted the pics and write a conversation of me having with my pussy.
Yes work. Inner work. Pussy work. This is what I signed up for. After spending an hour trying to find my selfie stick, I realized I was just avoiding. Shower, shaved the legs as it had been awhile since last play; I felt like I was going on a date! Remembering the shower I took when I got ready for the first time I played with Meta. Went to my room. Decided to set up the chair in front of my chakra tapestry; my meditation spot seems fitting. Oy! I'm excited and nervous. I don't know why I'm nervous. It's just a pussy picture. Mine. I got this. And I don't have to send it to anyone. He didn't say he wanted it anyhow. I really don't want my pussy pictures floating around nor collected. Camera setup would be easier if someone else could do the shots but this is for me and my eyes and for her. Awkward I have to put a pillow under my ass to lift me up enough for the camera to get a good shot. I see her. I haven't seen her in years. Almost 9. Nothing like I remembered and so much more. I just started crying. Like a long lost relative being found; separated at birth. Literally the last time I saw her was when I gave birth. Lots of shots and I feel like now I can't stop. Can't stop looking and staring! So now my own comments on her: Even the blurry ones are pretty. “Nice long slit, I'm attracted to long slits I realize, I'm a slit girl!” “My inner labia right side is larger, like a petal peeking and has a beautiful gradient dark color.” “I love that my clitoral hood can be seen when the mound is slightly pulled away; sexy peek-a-boo.” “I really love the natural look- men and women; especially for myself. Something primal, raw, nature.” “I love that my hole partially can be seen- alluded to- a sexy come hither hint!” “I have a blurry one spreading my labia and looks like a pink heart!” “I'd totally worship her!” Now what I would want him to say: “I can't wait until you are worthy enough to have me worship that pussy.” “I want it wet!” (Demanding voice testing me if I could on cue make her wet-likely especially with his voice...maybe reading a jeep manual even!) “I want to place my hand on your pussy with my middle finger cradled in your slit.” (He called me while on my vacation to give me a guided meditation and he had me do this.) “There needs to be a Godcock introduction- a teas'mony teasing introduction ceremony!” (oh my gawd a fucking t.i.c.! Homage to my sex tics!) “I want to rub Godcock around your pussy, then you must lick him clean so you may taste yourself...if you are worthy!” “Godless pretty pussy!” What others would say if I posted the pics: “Juicy pussy” “I want some of that” “I'd rub my cock all over you” “I'd bury my face in that” “Nice pussy” ”Pretty pussy” “Let me lock my mouth on that” “Delicious slit” My conversation with my pussy: Crying, I haven't seen you in years. I don't know why I kept you away from others let alone from myself. I never once did not, not like you. I remember all those times fucking in our early 20's I loved watching when he would pump in and out. The mirrors. The video, but it was bad quality and we agreed not our best angle. But I'm sorry I never found another partner as worthy, and fun; I kind of gave up searching and just stopped caring to play. Having stopped caring, I didn't need to see you as you just became a reminder that I settled and didn't care enough about me or us. Then it just became easier. I got older so it was time to literally settle down; family pressured me to find someone to get married and start a family. So I found someone that had no passion, easier this way for me; I wouldn't set myself up for disappointment somehow. And he didn't care. I forgot this memory! Remember when we hid in the closet dressed in the nurses outfit? Well, it was my phlebotomy jacket and some white wedge stripper shoes! I thought for sure he'd be excited! It was hot that day when he came home, we were sweating and couldn't breathe in that closet. I left a sexy path of notes for him to follow and find us. And all he did was pick up the notes and not look for us. He had his routine and preferred that than us. We were too hot in there and jumped out in frustration and left emotionally hurt. He was surprised, but because I was hiding and didn't know why I had a costume on. I did this thinking he had a playful side. I felt so dumb. And disappointed. Last time I showed my playful side too, hid you as well. I said no more and ignored you. Then the miscarriages. Thought you hated me and I was being punished somehow, we both were. I should've left after 6 years trying for a baby. But then she came. I looked at you days after and no one told me how different you would look. I thought I messed you up and now no one would really want us ever again. So again I put you away, ignored you and put us down. All this time I felt a bit guilty that it was me not wanting him, but I did try with him. I thought he would play and appreciate us and my playful side. He didn't appreciate you, I don't even remember if he even kissed you. He hardly kissed me so no matter. I had no money to get back home so I settled not knowing what else to do. Figured this was my life, the rest of it. And now. I signed up for a fet account looking for a Dom not sure but figure I’d fuck and finally be used and here I am falling back in love with you. Cried some more, because I have missed you and am terribly sorry for ignoring you, us. And from now on you are worthy of being cared for, by me. You are worthy of being appreciated by another. Kissed, caressed, fondled and fucked you deserve this and more. I won't put you away nor stop looking at you. You are here. I am here. No longer separate. I care. I read my chakra stones and card for the day. I received The Fates card- Love unconditionally, and the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. My stones showed my throat chakra, heart chakra is blocked. My prescription for self: Write about this experience, forgive self- reach out and help another. Also understand the difference between what I can change and what I can’t. Love and friend self and others unconditionally. I thank the fates for guiding me to you, Meta. Yes likely I would've found my way back to my pussy eventually but when I signed onto fet I had hoped I would find a good Dom that wouldn't just make this just about sex but a deeply personal evolution. "I can't thank you, enough." ;-) And just realized- this was four months to the day we met. When we first spoke, I had a feeling you'd bring me back.
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May 2023
AuthorReleasing some steam. You should want to know me, not just a woman with pent up passion. Oh yea and you should start this from the beginning. |